Better Than Me

by JimberlyShipper

Dean and Cas break up and Dean is missing Castiel. They are apart and Dean finally decides that enough is enough and goes to talk to him after he has a talk with John. John sets him straight, so to speak.

Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. This is my third Destiel fic. The song used isn't mine either. This is AU, because it's established Destiel. It's mostly from Dean's POV. The song I used is Better than Me, by Hinder. It's SO Destiel to me. I hope ya'll like. Dean thinks Cas deserves better than him. Also, it's human!Cas, and no one is a hunter.

Better Than Me

By Julia

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

Rolling over in the bed, Dean's hand fell on Cas' empty side, and felt a clenching in his stomach.

Cas was still gone. Dean let out a sigh. This was horrific. He fought back the tears again, his heart pounding out of his chest. Was it always going to hit him like this every morning? He really hoped that that wasn't the case. He didn't want to have this reaction every morning. Dean got up and went down to the kitchen. He started the coffee maker. There was the sound of a key in the door, and his father John stepped inside. "Hey, Dad." Dean said, they lived next door to each other, and they spent a lot of time together. Sam, Dean's brother, was away at college. He had gone back, he already had a degree. Dean moved to start cooking breakfast. "What's going on this morning? You got any cars to work on?" Dean was doing his best to keep talking so John wouldn't ask about Cas. Dean did his best to avoid questions about how he was faring since Cas was gone. Dean didn't want to talk about any of his feelings. It was too much. Cas had been gone four months, and it still hurt like it was yesterday. And it was Dean's own fault. He was the one who had broken up with Cas. Dean couldn't even remember why anymore. He had loved Castiel with his whole heart.

John knew that Dean was barely keeping it together since Cas was gone. John didn't blame him. He didn't know why they had broken up, but they had been together for three years. You didn't get over that easily. He brushed his hand over his beard as he went to start the coffee pot. He answered Dean's question. "I do have a car to work on. Rebuilding it from the ground up, it's going to give me a lot of cash." John was a mechanic, and he worked at his house. He did pretty well. Word of mouth and all that. Dean worked for him on occasion, when he wasn't working in construction. "You free to help?" He asked.

Dean wasn't working today, he could help. Not that he wanted to though. Dean didn't want to go through working today. "I am, Dad, but I had plans to work on things around here." He said. He needed the distraction. "If I get done I'll join you though." He knew that John wasn't going to buy that. But it was all he had. Dean couldn't spend the whole day talking about stupid inane things and working on a car. Dean was going to do a bit of work on the Impala but John didn't need to know that. Dean was missing Cas so much it hurt. It was always like that these days. Dean was tired a lot of the time too.

"Suit yourself." John replied. He wasn't going to force him. He knew that Dean was still getting over Castiel. John had run into Cas the other day. He didn't want to tell Dean and upset him. John got out a coffee mug in preparation for the coffee. He wondered if Dean would talk about Cas if he was the one to bring it up. John doubted that he would. John decided that they should discuss it though. "So, Dean, how are you doing with things since you and Cas broke up?"

Fuck. That was so not what Dean wanted to discuss. Dean tried to keep his focus on breakfast. He was cracking eggs in a bowl, to make scrambled eggs. "Dad, I can't." He said, his voice already starting to wobble. He hadn't been able to discuss it with anyone yet. He kept his eyes away from John's. He just couldn't look him in the eye. Dean still felt incredibly guilty for what had happened with him and Cas. Dean didn't blame Castiel for leaving. Dean had been a jerk, a colossal asshat.

This wasn't a surprise to John. But he felt the need to talk about it and get his two cents in. "Dean, I'm not saying that you were completely responsible, but Cas was the one to leave. You pushed Cas to the point that he left. Castiel took a lot, Dean. You may not have been trying to hurt him, but you did. I'm not saying that you can't fix it, but you are going to have to prepare to apologize like you never have before. Castiel is the most patient man that I have ever met in my life, and you drove him to leave, Dean." He didn't believe in sugarcoating things. He had never minced words with his sons. John hadn't been surprised that Cas had left. Dean hadn't given him a choice. John honestly wasn't surprised that Dean had issues. They'd lost John's wife Mary when Sam was a baby to a serial killer. Anyone would have issues due to that. John knew that Dean was being stubborn by refusing to acknowledge that fact though. John didn't know how to say that without getting Dean to clam up. John watched Dean cook. "Dean, I'm always on your side, but I feel like I have to tell you that you need to make it right with him."

Dean was quiet as he scrambled the eggs and put them in the pan. He ran his hand through his brown hair. Dean heaved a sigh. He didn't know what to say. He knew that his father was right. Dean was quiet, as his chin started to wobble as he was overcome with emotion. "I know that I was wrong, Dad. I know that. I just don't know what to do to make things right with him." He could feel the hurt building up in his stomach, and he tried to keep it from spilling out of him. He got out some bread to toast. He was quiet still as he slid it in the toaster. Finally he spoke again. "I still love him, Dad. I really want him back. But I don't think that I'm good enough for Cas. He deserves so much better than me. I hope that he's moved on. I really do." Dean couldn't keep the pain out of his voice, no matter what he did. Dean knew that he was going to have to deal with that sooner or later. He wasn't sure that he was prepared to deal with any of it to be honest though. Dean kept his gaze away from John.

That wasn't something that John was going to let him get away with. He stepped forward to make Dean look at him. "I know that you think you aren't worthy to be with him. He chose you, Dean. Cas fell in love with you and he stuck by you. He loved you in spite of and because of all that you are. You're never going to find someone else that loves you like that. I don't believe in sugarcoating, you know that. I think you need to make things right with Castiel. Tell him that you're sorry. Tell him that you still love him. I know that you still feel deep down that you shouldn't be bisexual. Dean, you can't hide what you are. You just can't. I never raised you that way. I raised you to be who you are, regardless of who likes or doesn't like it. Embrace how you feel, Dean. You love Cas. Let yourself feel that. Own it, no matter what the consequences might be. I am always going to be here for you, no matter what." John felt that Dean needed to hear this. "And so will your brother. Sam loves you, Dean, no matter who you choose to love." He just hoped that this was sinking in, and that Dean would take it to heart.

That all sounded good, but Dean was being stubborn. It was his default setting. Dean hated that his dad was making him look him in the eyes. It was very uncomfortable. He scratched the back of his neck. It was an old habit. Dean didn't know what he was supposed to say. He didn't know that he believed that John was right. Dean was trash, and he always had been. He wasn't what Cas needed. He put some eggs on plates for both of them, and popped some bread in the toaster for John. "I know all of that, Dad. I really do." He said, going to get out butter, wishing that he had some bacon. If a good was bad for you, Dean would eat it. He loved bacon. His most favorite thing in the whole world was pie, though. If he could live on pie alone, he would. He was holding back with his father, no one knew why he and Cas had broken up. Cas had asked Dean to marry him, and Dean had said no. He loved Castiel and wanted to marry him, but he felt now was the wrong time. He was running scared, and Castiel knew it.

"Why did you and Cas break up?" John asked, he was curious and he knew that if he knew why he could better help. John had his suspicions, but he didn't know when one of them was more plausible. Honestly, with Dean, it could be anything. John was a widower. Mary had been killed by a serial killer. John knew that his boys had issues because of that. John hadn't exactly helped by not having a steady woman in his life. John hadn't ever really gotten over Mary, he hadn't been a monk, but he'd never had anyone permanent in his life. Mary had died when Sam was a baby. "I'm curious because you never told me, and you never told Sam at all. I was the one to tell him." John knew that Sam and Dean were close, but not as close as they'd been when they were growing up. Dean had been the one there for Sam mostly. John had been working as much as possible to keep his mind off Mary. He felt bad about that and was trying to make up for it now. He and Sam might never be close though. He did the best he could to bridge the gap. Sam was different than Dean or John though, Dean and John were more blue collar and Sam wasn't. He was always striving to move up in the world. He loved college and Dean and John hadn't even gone.

The very question Dean didn't want to answer. He started buttering toast. "I…. Cas asked me…." He started, and paused. If he said it, it was going to open up a discussion about it. Dean hesitated. He put a plate of eggs and toast in front of his father, and got out a mug to pour him some coffee. Dean was still quiet as he put the mug on the table. Dean knew he wasn't going to want to hear what John had to say on the subject. Dean had been a complete and total chicken, and he knew that John was going to give him a ton of shit about it. Heaving a sigh, Dean settled in at the kitchen table with his own breakfast. Finally he spoke again. "Now, Dad, I know that you like to tell me when I've messed up. I know how much that I fucked up this time. I don't need you to give me a lecture about it." Not to mention, Dean was thirty-five, and old enough to make his own decisions without fear or reprisal. He knew it was too much to hope that John wouldn't give him a lecture though. "Cas asked me to marry him and I said no, okay?" His tone was a lot frustrated.

That got his eyebrows to raise. John paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. They had never thought that Cas and Dean would actually get married. John knew that Dean wasn't a marriage guy, although he could commit. John wasn't surprised by Dean's answer though. Dean wasn't the type to get married. Never had been. He finally took the bite of eggs. "You said no is not what I'm surprised about. What I am surprised about is that you and Cas were that serious. I thought living together was as far as you two were going to go, honestly. Dean, if you really don't want to marry him, you did the right thing. You were trying to spare him being hurt. However if you do love him and you're just running scared, then you need to man up. You need to tell him how you feel. Why are you so afraid of being happy, Dean? You shouldn't be living your life that way. I know that you lost your mom when you were young, but that doesn't mean that you have to be unhappy for the rest if your life." John had to tell Dean that more often than he should have to. He took a bite of his toast. John knew that that was most likely the case, that Dean was just scared.

"Most serious relationship of my life." Dean said, heaving a huge sigh. He hated that his dad knew him so well. John had always played it straight up with Dean and Sam. Dean didn't know what he was going to do about Cas. They might be over. Dean couldn't imagine going to Cas and telling him that he really did want to marry him. Dean was too afraid that he was going to fuck it up. Dean didn't know how to tell that to John though without getting a lecture. Dean forked up another bite of eggs.

While looking through your old box of notes
I found these pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't wanna lose
That time at the mall you and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

Six months later

Dean stood outside of Castiel's new place. He didn't know what he was going to say, but he had to say something. Dean had gotten Cas' address from his brother Gabriel, who actually liked Dean. Dean went up the walk and rung the bell. He didn't think that Cas was going to take him back, but he had to try. Dean knew that he'd fucked up. He knew that. And now he had to make it right. When the door swung open, and revealed Castiel, Dean bit his lip. "Hey, sunshine." He said, unable to help himself. It was their chosen pet name. Cas sometimes called him sweetheart though. Dean scratched the back of his neck, albeit a bit nervously. "Can we talk? If you say no, I'll understand. I just…. I have so much to say, Cas. I love you. I want you back." Dean knew that those words alone weren't going to do it. He was going to have to prove that he loved Cas. Cas had proposed, and Dean had said no. He didn't blame Cas for leaving. Dean couldn't say that he wouldn't have done the same.

When Dean called him sunshine, Cas felt a rush of love for him. He knew that he was never going to love anyone like he loved Dean. Cas was very happy that he was back though. Cas knew also that he couldn't make this easy for Dean. Cas had to believe that Dean loved him. Castiel had asked Dean to marry him, and he had said no. Castiel was very weary about trusting him. Cas wanted to so much it hurt, but that didn't mean that he did. Cas looked at Dean. "You want me back now? It's been almost a year, Dean. You could have come back at any time during these last ten months, and you didn't. I've been here, waiting for you to realize that you wanted to marry me. I know that you're running scared. You have always wanted to, you're just having a bit of trouble accepting the fact that you're actually bisexual. You need to let go and be yourself, Dean. You are bisexual, and you want to marry me. There's nothing wrong with that, Dean. You're allowed to love who you want to love." His tone was very gentle, despite his anger.

Damn, but Cas knew him well. He didn't know what to do. What to say. Dean rubbed the back of his neck, and the words started pouring out. Dean said, "I haven't had a lot in my life go right. It's not like I was free of issues. I thought I'd never really be happy. Then I met you. You showed me that you loved me, and that I was worthy of love. I haven't ever felt this way before. I didn't know how to be happy, Cas. Ever since you left, I've really been miserable. I realized how much I really do love you. All of my fears about us were wrong. I love you so much. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I am just sorry that it's taken me this long to come here and tell you all of this. I was being stupid and scared. And then stupid a couple more times. I want us to work things out. I can't be without you anymore. I really can't. Please, Cas, take me back. I know that I messed up, but you know that you still love me. You and I are meant to be, I know it." Dean wasn't able to get through that without crying. His green eyes filled with tears. Dean gave Cas a pleading glance. "I know I have no right to expect you to take me back. But I hope that you will."

It all sounded good, but Castiel wasn't sure that he could. "Dean, I do believe all of that. I do. Me believing you isn't the problem. The problem is how do I know that you're not going to leave again? How do I know that you're not going to freak out again? I love you, Dean. I do. I think I did ever since I first saw you. You are gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, sweet, and caring, but you're broken. That wasn't a problem until it got my heart broken. I can't go through losing you again, Dean. I waited for you for the first few months, but I've moved on. I'm not seeing anyone right now, but I am ready to meet someone else. You need to move on, too, Dean. What we had was amazing and beautiful, but it's not forever. Nothing lasts forever, Dean." Cas said, and closed the door, as hard as it was for him to do. He leaned against his door, his heart pounding out of his chest. Cas was so scared of being without Dean, but he was just as scared to be with him, too. Cas was so afraid of losing Dean again. He had barely made it through losing him the first time. He wiped his eyes.

When the door closed, Dean felt his heart fall to his feet. His eyes brushed with tears and he opened the door, catching Cas when he fell backwards. Dean righted Cas, keeping his arms around his waist. Cas didn't push him off, against his better judgment Dean was sure. Dean looked into Cas' blue eyes. "Cas, I swear to you that I'm not going to leave you again. Just let me prove it to you, baby. Please. I will treat you so good, sweetheart. I swear that I will. There;s nothing that I can say that will make up for what I did. Just, baby…. Please, give me a chance to prove to you that I love you." Dean kept his green eyes on Cas' blue ones. He wanted Cas to know how serious that he really was. Dean couldn't ever lie to Cas, the other man always knew when he was lying. Dean hadn't ever tried to lie to Cas, the other man was able to tell from Dean lying to others, which was truly amazing in Dean's opinion. He clung to Cas as much as he would allow, afraid it would be the last time. It was terrifying. Dean wanted to hold him forever. His hands pushed up Cas' shirt and touched the small of his back. Cas had a tat there that said 'Cas and Dean'. A drunken decision one night.

In the three years they'd been together, Cas had never been able to turn down Dean when he touched the small of his back. He was trying to be strong. And Dean had called him 'baby' twice and 'sweetheart' once. Cas was always puddy in his hands when he did that. "Dean… you just…. Stop." Cas managed to get out, but his voice was barely above a whisper. He got lost in Dean's eyes, that green grass like stare that bored into Cas' soul. He could feel his heart beating out of his chest at the proximity of Dean. "You're making it very hard to say no, and I need to say no, Dean. You hurt me, more than anyone ever has. I never wanted to marry anyone till I met you. And it's not like I didn't have offers. I've been out as gay since I was 12. I've been where you are, Dean. You have a journey to go on, you aren't okay in your own skin yet. If you aren't comfortable with yourself, how can I be? Do you know how much I love you? This is incredibly hard for me, to say no." Cas wished that his voice was stronger. Wished it held more conviction. It would help.

Reluctantly, Dean stepped back. Cas had asked him to stop. Dean really wished that he was still holding Cas though. Tears were falling off his chin. "Please, baby. Don't do this. I know that it'll take time to earn your trust back. I am willing to do the work. I just…. I need you back, Cas. I hate waking up in my empty bed. I roll over every morning and my hand touches your empty side of the bed, and my heart dies each time. I don't…. I thought I wasn't ready, baby. But I am now, I swear. I want to be with you. I'm not ready for marriage just yet, but I want that, one day, with you." Dean said. He wished that he'd brought his guitar. He started to sing acapella, singing Better Than Me, by Hinder. He had been listening to it nonstop. It made him think of his relationship with Cas. Dean sang with as much passion as he could, wanting Cas to know how serious that he was. He held Cas' hand and kept his eyes on Cas' blue ocean like depths. He had never sang for Cas before. He had been self conscious about his singing voice for years. Dean finished the song, and by the time that he had finished, he was crying and so was Castiel. They just stared at each other for a moment.

Castiel stepped forward, cupping Dean's jaw with his left hand. "Dean…. Is that really how you feel? Oh, Dean…. You're an amazing man. You don't need to feel like that. I have always seen us as complete equals. Oh, Dean." Cas said again, wishing that he could make Dean realize how much he deserved love. He finally kissed Dean, and the kiss was full of longing. They kissed until they were breathless. Cas pulled back to breathe, tugging Dean closer. "You deserve so many good things, Dean." Castiel told him, looking into Dean's green eyes.

Every time Cas said his name, he felt a little thrill. Dean leaned against Cas gratefully, glad to have him in his arms again. Dean sniffled as tears fall off his cheek. He now knew that no one was going to make him feel as good as Cas did. Dean loved Cas all the more because Cas thought that Dean was a good person. Dean knew that no one was ever going to love him like Castiel did. He wasn't going to find anyone better. Dean looked into Cas' eyes. He could stare into them forever. "I love you so much, because you think so."

One year later

The church was fully decorated. Dean was at the altar, waiting for Cas to come down the aisle. Sam was his best man, and Gabriel was Cas'. Dean looked at the entrance to the church as the wedding march started, and his fiance started down the aisle with John. Cas' parents had passed away, and they'd asked John to give Cas away to Dean. John had agreed. Dean kept his gaze on Cas the entire time, it felt amazing to be up here, waiting for Cas. He took Cas' hands, and the minister started the ceremony. Dean stared into Cas' blue eyes the whole time, he barely heard when he was told to say his vows. Dean looked into Cas' eyes as he spoke. "Cas, I don't know how I got along without you. Without you my life was horrific. I don't ever want to go without you ever again. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You loved me, despite me being broken. You showed me that I can see myself the way that you see me. I love you so much for that. We've not had the perfect relationship, but I know that we're going to be happy together. Forever. I know that we're going to be happy forever. You are my soulmate, Cas. I'm going to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you."

Cas' eyes were wet as he took his turn. "Dean Winchester, you are the only person that I have ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I knew almost as soon as I met you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I am thrilled to become Castiel Winchester. No one's ever loved me like you do. You love me, I have never felt so much love before. I love you so much. I am going to spend the rest of my life showing you how much you deserve to have love. You have never felt that you were good enough to deserve love. But you are. I'm going to spend the rest of my life proving it to you. You are the love of my life, Dean. You are going to be happy the rest of your life because I am going to make it so." Cas' thumbs stroked the backs of Dean's hands as he spoke. Cas knew that Dean loved that. "I just, I love you, Dean." Cas said, shrugging in his adorable Cas way that Dean loved. This was the best day of his entire life.

They did the rings next, Dean slipping the ring carefully on Cas' finger. This time, Dean had been the one to propose. Dean stared giddily into Cas' eyes as they were pronounced husbands, and then he pressed his lips to Cas', glad that he was finally married to Cas, finally at home in his own skin. Dean took his husband's hand, and they left the church. The reception was at the hotel they were staying that night before they left for London. Dean was very excited to see London. The ride to the hotel didn't take long. They had hired a limo so they could fool around in the back. They were so happy. Dean kept a protective arm around Cas as they headed inside to the reception. It wasn't much, they weren't fancy wedding people, and they were saving money for their honeymoon. Dean kissed Cas deeply as they went to check in. They were going to go up and put their bags in the room and change to something less formal for the reception. Dean knew that he was going to fuck Cas before they went downstairs. Dean opened their room with the key, and they went inside. Dean was married. Married. Dean honestly couldn't believe it.

As soon as they were inside, Cas put the do not disturb sign on the door and tossed Dean on the bed. They had to change clothes for the reception as it was. Cas straddled Dean, removing his clothes as quickly as he could, tossing them to the floor. Cas reached for the lube, and spread it all over his cock, shivering a bit, he was kind of cold with the lube taking a moment to warm up. Cas eased into Dean's entrance, as Dean grasped at Cas' shoulders. Cas rode Dean, his long hard cock bouncing on Dean's stomach. As Cas rode him like a pro, Dean reached up and put his left hand on Cas' cock, which he began to stroke with his long fingers. Cas gasped as he writhed on top of Dean and his dick. They were easily having the best sex they'd had in months. They'd been refraining for the past six months to make their first sex as a married couple amazing. Cas braced himself on Dean's abs, and Dean kept up the stroking of Cas' dick. They stared into each other's eyes the whole time, as Cas rode Dean like a total pro.

The orgasms were enormous, and they clung to each other. Dean, breathless, said, "I suppose that we should go. Go and greet our guests." Dean chuckled, and they shared a deeply passionate kiss. They were married, and it was always going to be true. They had a love that would transcend time.

Author's note: Well, I started this a few months ago, and now it's finally done. I hope ya'll liked. Destiel is my SHIP. I will SO go down with it. Let me know what you thought, I need cheering up. Trump won, UGH. All of us in the LGBTQIA camp are SO TOTALLY SCREWED. OMG.