A/N: My first attempt at a story in the first person, please give it a chance!
Chapter 1
I remembered that day more vividly than any other.
It would haunt me forever, the day Ian O'Shea disappeared from me.
Nearly a year had passed since my insertion into my new host body. Our numbers in the caves had increased dramatically after our encounter with Nate. His bands of followers, for whatever reason, preferred the open skies and freedom to move more than the stifling walls of our communal home. Most of the new additions constituted of young and strong men, eager for adventure and excitement, no matter how real the danger was. They brought with them a handful of women and children, but they were in the minority.
Jeb graciously opened his doors to these newcomers, unable to bring himself to turn any rule abiding survivor away. Nate and his men would go on raids, for months at a time, and then return to us with supplies and new stories. Nate was as careful and efficient, good under pressure. He could've given Jared a run for his money. Their multitude of guns and weapons was an unnerving sight for me to get used to, but once I understood they were meant to be used in defense and not to harm, I managed to relax.
Security was still maintained as first priority, and we couldn't risk being detected by Seekers now, not when there were so many more lives at stake. General precaution needed to be raised, but no one minded. Everyone was content, glad to share the company with more humans than what felt like an eternity.
No matter how frustrating my new physical limitations were, I was happy. I got along with most people, and my new appearance was found less threatening. Nate's men didn't so much as scowl at me in the wrong way; Nate was strict about respect for some Souls, even stricter than Jeb. Burns was a new companion I could connect with, and we spent a great deal of time together whenever he wasn't on a mission.
Jamie was growing up and out of boyhood, his fifteenth birthday approaching on the horizon. He was no longer a child. Then again, he hadn't been one in a long time. He was ecstatic with the arrival of so many new humans. A little girl, Hannah, with clear alabaster skin and wavy raven colored hair, had grown rather attached to Jamie. Much like Sunny was with Kyle, Hannah refused to leave his side.
Melanie was fiercer than ever, sharp tongued and opinionated. I would still smile whenever I heard her voice aloud, reliving the times we spent crammed into one mind. The light in Jared's eyes returned when he and Melanie reunited. A pair of fated lovers, some would call them. But there were blurred lines between the three of us. I'm sure Melanie was more than aware of my past feelings for Jared, though she never explicitly voiced the fact. We swept the matter under the rug entirely, and I swallowed whatever lump in my throat appeared when I saw them together.
But luckily another distraction was able to shift my attention from a love lost to one that might have been even stronger. Ian. We'd grown closer after my insertion, and after a short period I had moved in with him. Our intimacy only strengthened. In spite of my initial resistance, Ian was always there for me. His midnight cobalt eyes, steady and reassuring, dominated my every thought of every moment.
His strong arms would rest possessively over my waist when we fell asleep. With incomparable gentleness, we fused together as one. My first and my only, I wanted no one but him. The scent of desert sand and rough soap so prevalent as I would bury my face into his shoulder. I never wanted to be separated from him, he assured me a thousand times over that the sentiment was mutual.
Swept head over heels, I was utterly enamored with the younger O'Shea brother. He kept true to his word, never pushing me into unwanted territory. He was gentle with me, caring, looking out for me even when I found it unnecessary. I knew he loved me too, and I didn't believe anything could ruin something so perfect.
But perfection didn't exist, not here.
"Wanda,"
It was Melanie's voice who narrated the words that shattered my world.
"Hello, Melanie," I had greeted, a blissful smile across my lips as I carefully peeled the potato in my hand. I sat atop one of the kitchen counters, my legs swinging off the side as I happily hummed a careless tune. "Care to join us?" I offered.
"Hey Mel," Jamie grinned sheepishly at his older sister. He held up the disastrous remains of his potato in his hands, trying to remove the skin of the tubular plant a little too masterfully. My gaze concentrated on my own work, but my hands froze when I heard Jamie's drop in tone. "What's wrong?"
"Jamie," Melanie's face was pale, translucent. Her warm eyes were rimmed red, almost swollen. She took a deep breath, "Can I talk to Wanda for a moment?" Alone, that part was implied.
Jamie took the hint easily enough, hopping off the table. He warily set down his tools and wiped his palms on the bottom of his shirt. He rested a hand on mine, "I'll be back, okay?"
"Sure," I feigned a smile. He left through the back door, and Mel stood solemnly before me. Her head was bowed, as if she were ashamed. "What is it?" I tried not to sound too urgent, too demanding. But her demeanor was scaring me.
A shark intake of air entered her lungs, as she began, "An accident," her voice strained, "On the last raid, a pursuit. Seekers spotted our boys and tracked them down,"
My heart dropped out of my chest, a heaving weight settling over me. I was surprised by the steadiness of my breath, as I let her continue.
"Most of them escaped, they weren't followed and managed to make it back,"
Most?
"Who?" I questioned softly, so casual that I could have been asking her what day of the week it was. Who had made it back?
She didn't answer at first, her eyes darkening. The pause was suffocating. "Jared tried to stop him, to find another way. But he ran out on his own,"
Oh, no.
Something inside my head beat violently, bashing unmercifully against my inner skull. A ringing filled my ears, as I grabbed the nearest surface to support myself upright. Stupid body, so weak, so small. So helpless.
"Who?" I inquired again, this time in a hushed whisper. I couldn't look her in the eye, I was afraid of her inevitable response.
"I'm so sorry Wanda," she apologized, shaking her head. She reached out toward me, but I recoiled. "They went looking for him after things died down, but there was no sign of him,"
My vision went black, as I gasped for the suddenly nonexistent oxygen in the room. Goosebumps raised on my arms, and my hands ran down the sides of them. How could she say something like that? He was her friend too, why did she resign herself over to it so easily?
"Wanda—"
"No," I stated stubbornly, "No," this time there was more exasperation, a maniacal smile behind the word. This had to be a joke. This couldn't happen, not now. Not so soon, not when we were finally together. But the unsaid name was understood, there could be no other explanation.
After chastising me for being too selfless, he sacrificed himself. He went down a martyr. Hypocrite, I thought bitterly.
"Please," Melanie tried to come to me again, but I backed away instinctively. I didn't want to be touched, I wanted no indication that this nightmare was a reality. I wanted to close my eyes, for all of it to go away. I wanted to wake up, for him to shush me and kiss my forehead. I wanted his arms around me again. "Please Wanda," her voice broke too.
I didn't speak up, so she went on. "It happened a week ago, they've been looking for him. They can't find him,"
A surge of guilt shot through me. Ian wasn't mine alone, there were other people that were suffering too from this news. Jared likely blamed himself, Melanie shared the same memories I had of him the first months we knew each other, Kyle lost his brother, Jamie his good friend.
But he was more than a loved one to me. He was my partner, my soulmate.
So for the first time in my life, I did something completely selfish.
"No, you're lying," the accusation was directed monotonously, with no inflection. I could see the surprise on her expression, "Not him," A humorless chuckle left my lips, as I turned my back to Melanie. I went and busied myself with the knife I set down earlier, and carried on peeling the vegetables. "Not Ian, not my Ian," I chanted to myself.
I could feel her astonishment behind me, her inability to react to the situation.
"He's probably just laying low somewhere, he wouldn't leave me," I finally noted droplets falling from my eyes, blurring my sight. They slid down my cheeks in silver streaks. "He'll come back," I assured myself.
The human range of emotion was vast, and the spectrum spanned from jubilation to devastation. I thought, after all this time, I might have grown accustomed to these overwhelming feelings. But no, nothing could have prepared me for this kind of unparalleled grief.
Distinct from the heartbreak I felt with Jared, a gaping hold manifested in the heart of my chest. It didn't ache, it didn't hurt. Instead, I just felt empty. Numbness overtook my senses, and I felt my legs give out as I collapsed on the kitchen floor.
I saw the pain in Melanie's face when she saw me crumble before her, unrecognizable from the great Wanderer she once knew. She covered her mouth with the back of her hand. She was trying to stay strong for me.
There were other voices, deeper. Jared, perhaps? Maybe even Jamie or Doc, I really couldn't tell. Melanie said something quickly, gesturing to me. Soon enough someone's hand landed on my shoulder, gentle yet stern. Jeb.
I wasn't making any noise, a series of silent tears dripping off my chin.
The rest of that day is a bit unclear. Overtaken with everything, I ran. Someone, I don't know who, tried to go after me. But I heard Jeb's voice tell them to give me my time. His tone was lower than usual, he was mourning too.
Strange, how whenever I searched for peace of mind, I came here. To the hole I was imprisoned in when I first came here. It was easier to fit in this body than it was for Melanie's. I crawled in, contorting my limbs so that I fit into the deepest corner. The jagged rocks dug violently into my back, but it was a welcome distraction. I sobbed, smothering my cries with the back of my arm.
The agony was unbearable, a part of me was gone.
Come back, Ian. Please don't leave me.
End Chapter 1
A/N: Thanks for reading, if you want me to continue please leave a review!