I don't own Naruto. This is obvious, or chapter 362 would have ended much differently! Grr... Sasuke must die.
Author's note: Also, this is crack. I almost spurted juice out of my mouth because I found this and had forgotten what it was (I wrote it ages ago) and went back to read it. So yeah... just to warn you. There will be more...lol
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Silence wafted through the Akatsuki lair like the thick stench of burnt toast. It was heavy and almost as hard to bear, as well, for the orange masked ninja. Tobi paced around in silence as he waited for Leader-sama to call their weekly meeting.
He sighed deeply as he unconsciously walked through the hall that connected to all the bedrooms. "Nothing to do, no leads on any bijuu... Not even an easy money scheme from Kakuzu-san. It's so BORING here."
His eyes drifted up from his feet to the door in front of him. He recognized it immediately by it's scorch marks and the way it hung not quite rightly on it hinges, as if it had been through one explosion too many. Hm... I wonder what Deidara-senpai is up to...
Tobi rapped his knuckes on the scorched wood. "Senpai?"
"Just a sec, un."
A moment went by, with a few clunking noises and one particular noise that could only be described as questionable. The door opened and Deidara opened the door. He was only wearing pants and his half-mesh shirt, his cloak hanging over the edge of his bed.
"You want something? I'm kinda busy."
Tobi shrugged, not sure what to say. He knew it'd annoy Deidara if he just told the truth - that he was bored. He tilted his head to the side. "What are you doing?"
A spark entered Deidara's eyes and Tobi knew immediately that he had been working on a new kind of explosive. The blonde smiled widely.
"Well, since you asked, and since you're my partner... I don't mind at all giving you a preview my latest creation!"
I wonder if this is a good thing... he thought to himself apprehensively as he followed Deidara into the room. After all, last time Senpai showed me a new "creation" he ended up blasting away an entire wall by accident... Boy was leader-sama angry.
In the middle of the room, on a table even more scorched and unbalanced than the door had been, sat a pile of grainy dust the same colour as Deidara's clay.
"Behold it, Tobi. Isn't it wonderful? I'll show you what it does!"
Deidara walked over to the table and grabbed a pinch of it. He let it drop onto his hand. "See, it's small and like dust, unnoticable, un!"
He let the tiny bit drop to the floor.
"Are you ready?"
Tobi looked at the grainy dust with apprehension.
"Senpai, I don't think-"
CRACKLE BANG BOOM FLASH!
Tobi covered his ears and looked away. He looked back when he heard Deidara's laughter.
The exact place where the dust had been was a small crater. However, it wasn't burnt black; there was just nothing there.
"Isn't it beautifully artistic, Tobi? Nothing is left! Hah!"
He reached over to the table to grab more.
"Senpai, don't! you'll blow your room up again!"
Tobi reached over to stop his partner but before he could, the door swung open and the room flooded with crimson malice.
Itachi stood in the doorway in his cloud patterened pyjammas.
"I was sleeping." He said. Or more, he glared it.
Tobi cowered behind Deidara.
"He did it, Itachi-san. I tried to stop him, but-"
Itachi's glare made Tobi sweat beneath hte mask. It was not at all softened by the fact that Itachi was in his jammy-jams and fuzzy pink bunny slippers. In fact, that made it a whole lot scarier.
"Do it again and you'll be in a world of pain." He said coldly and closed the door.
Tobi let out a breath. Deidara crossed his arms.
"Stupid Itachi... Who does he think he is, un?!" He went off to mutter about how it was three and he shouldn't be sleeping. Tobi took the oppurtunity to leave the room. However, as he had his hand on the door handle, the fuzzy appiration of Pain showed up in front of them.
"I have an intersting lead for you two. Get to the statue chamber immediately."
He poofed away in all his fuzzy rainbow glory and Tobi looked bak at Deidara.
"Hehehe... Time to put my new creation into practice!"
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Tobi, Deidara, Itachi and Kisame stood in the chamber room along with the fuzzed appirations of Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Pain and Konan.
Pain cleared his throat roughly and everyone snapped to attention.
"Everyone here? Good. Now, I have some interesting news for you. The Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki has been reported to be on a vacation with his team. That means he'll be out of fire country and off guard. We need two teams, one to keep an eye on the Kyuubi until it is determined that we can strike, and the other to be backup."
Itachi nodded. "Since he is my job, Kisame and I shall go."
"No." said Pain. "There's some catches to this mission, and you and Kisame are not suited for it. However, I want you as back up."
"What sort of catch are you talking about?" Asked Kisame, "And who are you sending?"
"Well, the only way we can get close to them is... rather interesting. You see, the hotel where they are staying is outside of the village and owned privately, by a husband wife team, and-"
"So you want us to kill em'?" shot in Hidan. He grinned fuzzily. "Joy!"
"No." The leader's eyes glared down on them all harshly. "We need to be under cover for this one. That's why I picked Dei-"
"Oh no, no no NO, HM!" The artist took a step back.
Pain glared again. Tobi giggled. The rest sniggered.
"Yes," said Pain. "It's our only way of getting close to them without suspicion."
Deidara began to spout more complaints, but one sharp look from the leader's swirled eyes shut him right up. "...hmph."
"You are to take over the hotel quietly the night before they come. I've already had some clothes prepared and delivered here. You'll find them in the usual place for arrived packages." Pain cleared his throat and continued. "Also, your backup team is Kisame and Itachi. You four, do your jobs well. I expect this to be flawless."
He took a step backwards. "That is all."
Pain buzzed out, as well as the others, leaving the four mission-ed ninja alone. Deidara, still arms crossed, left, sulking. Kisame had a grin on his face and was barely stopping himself from laughing. Even Itachi had a bit of a smile.
Tobi, however, was determined. After all, he had always liked acting.
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Sounds of shuffling.
"Are you sure you even know how to stuff a bra, senpai?"
"Shut up! It's not like I've done it before!"
More shuffling...
"Hm.. well, maybe if you move this there... and roll that into a rounder ball..."
Increase shuffling and other noises.
"Hey, watch it! You almost elbowed me in the face, un!"
"There! Perfectly respectable breasts."
"...un."
Deidara stepped out of the room, followed by Tobi. He was almost unrecognizable as a male now, wearing a blue blouse that buttoned up the front and dark knee length skirt. He seemed to have shaved his legs (if he didn't already) and was wearing matching shoes -with heels- to complete the outfit. His hair was pinned into a loose bun and he was wearing more makeup than usual.
"Wow..." said Kisame roughly. "You can actually pull it off."
He crossed his arms, slouching back and pouting. "Hmph."
"Aww, come on, senpai!" Said Tobi. "That's not very lady like!"
This only brought out a sneer. Tobi leaned over to Kisame and whispered, "I think it's his time of the month..."
Kisame began to laugh uncontrollably until Itachi elbowed him in the stomach.
"Come on," he said monotonously. "We have a job to do."
They began to leave. Kisame, still laughing, bowed and pointed to the door. "Ladies first," he said barely cutting his words through laughter.
Deidara, red in the face and nearly with steam shooting out of his ears, glared and left.
Tobi chased after him. "Wait Senpai! You forgot your purse!"