Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I personally don't wish to own Harry Potter. So even if I did own Harry Potter, I would sell it to the next reviewer. Or maybe eat it. To tell the truth, I also don't own the original characters. Moxie made up all the names. So like, if they ever appear again, I'm pretty much guaranteed liver surgery.
(A/N: Penguin here! I get to write chapter one! To be honest... I dun really know that much about the Harry Potter series; I know enough to write a fanfiction of course. e.e Anyways, R&R, please, I hope you enjoy. :D)
Chapter One: "If for once I ever met him I'd…"
Julie Acard defined normal. Everything about her was normal. I mean, the good normal. You know, the normal that people like to define as sane and chocolaty. That type of normal. She led a perfectly normal life, in a perfectly normal town, of a perfectly normal worl-err… no, the world wasn't really that normal. It was more of a retarded world, but let's not get into politics, this is Julie Acard's time.
At the moment, she was currently hanging out with her best friend, Elizabeth Grasshurts, learning the meaning of life.
"I officially declare, that if I owned half of Antarctica, a bit of Moscow, and about two-third of the White House, I could easily make a really natural snow cone. That, Julie, is half of the meaning of life, but I'm tired, so I'll tell you the rest tomorrow."
Elisabeth Grasshurts was indeed, a naturally intelligent being. However, as amazed as Julie was at this mind-boggling explanation, she couldn't help but sigh as she placed down a poster for the next Harry Potter movie. The poster had a picture of Harry, in his usual robes, holding his usual wand up in the air with a determined expression. His stance was of course, his typical, 'I'm facing the right, but actually looking at you, you future-audience-of-my-new-movie-you!' type of poster stance. Ron, who was also wearing the causal Hogwarts robe, was at the side, shown to be falling down, but looking at Harry as he was doing so. His orange fur ball of a hairstyle was drastically poofy this time around. He looked like he just got shocked. Hermoine was the only one smiling, as she held her books in her arm and was at Harry's right. The title of the movie, THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX, was written across the top in big, bolded, capital blue letters, with a gigantic, and definitely corny phoenix swooping across the poster.
"Elisabeth… I can't believe this comes out in 2007… I really can't! I have to wait for 2007 to see Dan again! 2007! Why? Why?" Julie slammed the poster to her desk in a very disgruntled manner. She then started having a bit of a seizure.
Oh that's right; there was one important detail about Julie that wasn't mentioned about her normal life. If she was overcome by sudden greif, she would have random seizures. Yes, that's right. Random NORMAL seizures.
"Indeed, Julie, I in fact can't even get a hold of myself to wait that long. We should definitely enslave the directors and make them work faster!" Elisabeth lifted a finger up in great determination, ignoring Julie's seizure, and walked out of the room in great delight to go get a very unnatural snow cone.
"E-E-E-E-Elizabeeeetthhhhhhh… D-D-D-Daaan…" Julie muttered out, before she collapsed on top of her poster.
It just so turns out that the next day was the first cast meeting of "Harry Potter and the Dastardly Musical Piano" at Julie's local school. You see, Julie's school was a big fan of literature, and they thought by making up a Harry Potter musical, that they would indeed get their students to read the series. Boy, that's some crappy logic.
This was also the day where a cast list would appear on the wall of the drama room, and a gigantic crowd would stare at it for hours. Those who would rejoice, they would rejoice. Those who would be disappointed, they would go home on MySpace and post emo bulletins.
Julie Acard and Elisabeth had indeed auditioned, and were right in the middle of the anticipating crowd as the drama teacher pushed through with a friggin' huge piece of paper in her hand.
"Oh! Oh oh oh… Elisabeth I can hardly wait! I've been waiting for this day forever! Ohmigosh! OHMIGOSH! OHMI-"
"SHUT UP! You're getting me worked up! Elisabeth is not as content with her part as much if she is worked up!"
"Ohmigosh I'm so sorry it's just-…you have a part?"
"Of course I will. They'd be bloody stark-raving mad if they didn't hire the Elisabeth."
A sturdy young man walked up to the two nervous girls. He wore a striped blue polo and some worn out jeans. His hair was gelled in a fashion that made girls really like him. Oh, and girls liked him. I mean shallow girls. It wasn't often that a silly, shallow, feminine being would come up to him and 'play.' However, his appearance was greatly offset by, well, let's just say when people say the inside counts, he literally thought that things such as his intestines and appendix counts. This strange, sexually harassed being was as Vernon Spanchuck.
"Julie! Elisabeth! I didn't know you two auditioned! What part do you guys want!"
Julie responded in a flash, "HERMOINE! HERMOINE! …I REALLY WANT HERMOINE!"
Spanchuck made a sparkly flirty glance. "You'd be a good Hermoine; a really shmexy Hermoine. Like, Dan would totally come here and be Harry Potter for our musical if you were Hermoine."
"AHEM!" Elisabeth gave Lance a dirty stare. "I believe the popular couple is Ron and Hermoine. According to many popular statistics, and the freakin' series if you actually read them, the chances Harry and Hermoine ending up as a pairing is currently 21 in contrast to Ron and Hermoine's 79. Also, likes it better."
Julie smiled at Elisabeth as she said this. She didn't want Hermoine to end up with Harry. (She flamed every Harry x Hermoine fanfiction she read.) That means she'd have to kiss him sooner or later. She cringed and seizure'd every bloody time when she watched Goblet of Fire at the theaters. You know, when Hermoine and Harry were propagandized as a pairing around the scene when... oh you know what scene it was! "So Vernon what part do you want?"
Vernon made a disgruntled, flirty look. "Ugh… I don't really want any part, because I know I'm not gonna get it. I'll prolly get the wizard ensemble…" This was a typical Vernon response. He has a mad history of being a typical ensemble favorite.
"Oh," said the Elisabeth.
"What about you, Elisabeth?"
"Well, I want to be Dumbledore. A part only one like me could handle; since we're on the same level in non-Muggleness."
Julie giggled, but Vernon didn't find the humor in this. In fact he was really confused. So confused, that he exploded; except, on the inside. You know, his appendix and all that.
"…Why do you want to be Dumbledore?" Spanchuck scratched his flirty head. "Oh, I get it! It's because you get straight As! And if Dumbledore went to our school, he'd get straight As too! Oh that's smart Amber! I totally think you should be Dumbledore."
Elisabeth almost fell over at this ridiculous observation, but if she did, she wouldn't be able to see the cast list, which was just posted. The crowd zoomed in like the freakin' Gold Rush, pushing, shoving, and even shoveling, to get through to the gold-err, cast list.
Hello, Students.
Thank you for your interest in Drama. We appreciate all 675 auditions we have received for our musical this year! We are very excited to produce this play in our campus this year! Listed below are the parts of "Harry Potter and the Dastardly Musical Piano!" We are so proud of those of you who made it!
Sincerely, Mr. Trunk
Harry Potter - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Zachariah Left
Hermoine Granger - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Brittney John
Ron Weasley - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Bill Guy
Dumbledore - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mr. Trunk
Snape - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Vernon Spanchuck
Hagrid - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Antonio Gumbo
McGonagal - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Elizabeth Grasshurts
Draco Malfoy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Johnny Bridler
Wizard Ensemble
Quinn Bridler
Caddie O'Dresser
Brittany Spoon
Julie Acard
Samson McLeh
Klevin Bozo
Hamly Emilin
Amy LeMary Queens
Nate Kissing
Socksey Moolah
Martha Stuart
Scott Peterson
Joseph Pizza
Graham
Ching-Somstein
"Julie… Julie? Julie, are you okay? Julie! They discovered the Australian zebra! You've got to check it out!"
A rabid Elisabeth was slapping a passed out Julie's cheek left and right. Next to her was her trusted slave, Antonio Gumbo, who did many enslaving things such as respond to her instant messaging, and not knowing too much about current events. He, however, did not see this as slavery, but instead, as loyalty, and that was a good enough observation for Elisabeth. Despite all this, everyone liked Antonio Gumbo. They all knew they could get a girlfriend before he did, so he was a good sign of self-esteem. If you want to know his appearance, he was pretty skinny, had long straight hair, and just recently died it blue. He wears a lot of sweaters, pants, and worn out shoes. Anyways, he was here because Elisabeth was not in the mood to carry a seizure'd Julie.
"You know Elisabeth, maybe if you said it was a Daniel Radcliffe zebra she might feel better." Antonio Gumbo truly did not know what a horror that would be if it actually existed.
"True Hagrid, true. I'm pretty sure that's the only Daniel Radcliffe she'd ever make out with, but she just got rejected from her play!"
"OBJECTION! If you made the wizard ensemble you must've beat out at least 600 kids!" Antonio Gumbo also pretended to be a lawyer sometimes, but he was usually not very good at that; some actor he was.
"OVERRULED! Julie would not settle for a measly part such as ensemble! You should know that her obsession to actually be Hermoine is greater than the intensity of Hagrid's beard on fire! Now go dance!"
Antonio began to breakdance, but his hair got in the way of course, (Antonio has bangs.) so he bumped into a very random lamppost. This made it easier for Quin Bridler to come by and say her first line.
"Elisabeth, we're getting our scripts today!"
"The wizard ensemble gets scripts?"
"What? Duh! We're not hopeless rejects!"
"Oh."
"…What's wrong with Julie?"
"She got ensemble."
"WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THE ENSEMBLE?"
"Oh. Ahem. Nothing. They're the best part of the musical. Better than Harry. I think the audience would only pick me over them."
"That's better."
Elisabeth was eager to get her script. Hey, the idea sounded better than waiting for Julie to get out of her stupid coma, so she ordered Antonio to stay aloft with Julie and fight off any medical surgeons, or law enforcement that accused him of beating up a woman.
It turned out this was the worst script Elisabeth had ever read. Then again, when the victim is a piano on some kind of magic drug, there's nothing really you can expect. Some education. Her IQ had already dropped to about that of what she thought of Spanchuck's, but only temporarily of course. Julie was lying down on Elisabeth's bed next to her. She still wasn't awake, but she did mutter something from time to time.
The phone rang.
Obviously, Elisabeth picked it up.
"Hello?"
"It's Brittney John! What did Antonio do to Julie? She was unconscious when I saw her so I told the police!"
Brittney John, who got the part of Hermoine, was the biggest Julie Acard fan there ever lived. She thought always of Julie Acard, saying how they were going to make Animal Planet a reality. For this fact, people personally thought she was psycho, amongst other things, but she was in general a very outgoing person. Anyways, her version of telling the police was telling the drama teacher. Antonio, being educated of Elisabeth's wisdom, successfully told them what really happened. He ended up only getting lunch detention. Stupid Brittney John.
"Oh."
"WHAT HAPPENED TO HER! TELL ME NOW!"
"She had a seizure. That's it." Elisabeth explained unenthusiastically. She could not stand the Brittney John, when she yelled like a maniac.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"
"Because you would have made things worse." Brittney John had now exploded. And this time, her appendix had more than just exploded. It nuked. Hard.
"ELISABETH! STOP BEING MEAN! SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND!"
"…Then give her the part of Hermoine. You know it's what she wanted ever since she took a Harry Potter personality test."
"NOO! THIS IS MY CHANCE!" Elisabeth started yawning, while twirling the phone cords in her finger. She was obviously growing very bored. Personally, an author's note would be placed here for how annoying yelling is, but it was refrained.
"Well, then you're not much of a best friend are you?"
"STOP IT! STOP BEING SO ME-"
Click. Elisabeth had a headache, therefore, Brittney's whining was irrelevant.
"…And this, Julie, is supposed to be our lead female role." Elisabeth sighed to herself and went back to reading the script. Unbeknownst to her, though, Julie had snatched it, and Elisabeth was actually reading a cookbook for the greatest vegetarian recipes. However, the new storyline of how to make a broccoli kaleidoscope for a serving of ten people intrigued her, and she was lost to the world around her.
"…If for once I'd ever met him, I'd…" Julie stood outside of Elisabeth's driveway, reading the dastardly lame script in her mind while really having more Dan thoughts, "…I'd make him see how stupid they're making his franchise!" J.K. Rowling, deep down somewhere in a galaxy far, far away suddenly twitched, but that's not important. "Look at this! This is so stupid!" Julie then recited lines from the script in a mocking voice. This mocking voice was one to make Hagrid sound like the best opera singer on Earth, and would shatter even Snape's windows.
"Oh, Harry! Perhaps the piano is attracted to your robes! Oh Harry! Try using the invisible cloak to hide so you can go into Voldemort's closet! Harry! Voldemort is the piano!"
She took the script and threw it at a bloody and gored dead rat. Then, as she got even more upset, she started chanting out Brittney John's name in fury, while running up and down. This was certainly normal whenever something disappointing happened, of course, and also very fun to watch. Zachariah Left was laughing himself as he walked past her.
"What's so funny, Mr. Harry Potter?" Julie ran up and hit him with the script, the dead rat's blood was really sticky; when she hit him with the script, it managed to rip off some of Zachariah's skin. No one noticed, really.
"Just look at yourself!"
Julie did. She saw nothing too unusual, except her skin was more pale from the coma.
"I don't get it."
"Well, never mind. Hey, I didn't know you stopped liking Harry Po-"
"I'll never give up on Daniel!" She smacked him again. This time, she extracted a chocolate stain from his shirt.
"Err, never mind that one too. To be honest, I never auditioned for the musical. I don't know why I'm Harry Potter. I hate Harry Potter. Mr. Trunk just told me to play as him because I'm his favorite. I told him no, but he didn't listen."
"…Oh, so that's your stupid excuse to make me feel better?" Julie outstretched her fingers in a clawing position. Whenever she did this, she was seriously going to leave a nice good ol' feline Julie mark.
"It's not an excuse, Julie! If you were a guy, I'd give my script to you!"
"No. Just go away. Looking at you… it's sort of like he was here." She calmed down a little, but kept her hand up.
"Then why don't you get him here! I'm pretty sure Mr. Trunk would like the real guy over his favorite anyways!" Zachariah didn't know this, but his ridiculous comment actually sparked an idea down Julie's ears.
"…You're right…"
"Yes, I am. now if you excuse me, I have to go play my Nintendo DS. I just got the New Super Mar-"
"That's nice. Hey, are there any recipes or magic words in that script?"
"HEECK, I don't know! I don't go around talking in some crazy language!"
"..." Julie walked away, opening the script, but as she did, she dropped it. Zachariah had already walked back to his house, not knowing what was yet to come.
pg. 77
Scene XI - Harry imports a Muggle
Harry Potter: Hermoine! I'm afraid we're going to need the skin of a muggle, the blood of a rotted rat, and a high source of caffeine if we want to call Draco over! We also have to say the words, 'uggathorma sherglacier bugmarch!'
Hermoine: But Harry, where are we going to get the muggle skin if there are no muggles in sight!
Harry Potter: …I don't know.
Hermoine: OH NO!
Cue Song – Harry Potter's Luck is worse than that of a Griffin
Julie stopped reading after that short section with the out of character Harry and Hermoine. She turned the script around, and noticed there was some really irritating things to look at; such as Zachariah's peeled off skin, some old chocolate, and rat's blood.
"Hey wait!"
She suddenly beamed with delight, and grabbed the three ingredients in her hand. "THIS IS IT! It's my chance to meet him… To meet Daniel Radcliffe!"
Her totally fictional hypothesis had gotten the best of her now. There's no way those words could have done anything, and she was touching something that could basically have rabies on it! Sick. However, she was deadly determined. As she ran inside and upstairs to Elisabeth's room, she held the ingredients close to her heart. (Ewww.) Her thoughts of Daniel actually became visions. The ingredients started glowing in her hand, and slightly disintegrating.
"ELISABETH!"
She pounded the door open, and immediately kicked Elisabeth's literature off the table. Yes, kicked. Julie was nicely flexible.
"! Excuse me, Miss Acard, but what was that for! And aren't you currently in a coma!" Elisabeth looked to the side and flipped out. "Holy goblet of fire, you've been awake all this time, and I didn't calculate it!"
"Never mind that! I was just taking a nap! Look, Elisabeth! Look at this!"
Julie placed the ingredients down, but Elisabeth just stared at an empty hand.
"…That coma seemed to have an aftereffect on you, Julie. It appears you're 105 more delusional than usual."
"No! What! No! They were just there!"
"Calm down, hun. Just what was it?"
"Zachariah's skin, rat's blood, and some chocolate…"
The Elisabeth had clearly thought Julie had lost it, for she took a golf club and whacked her on the head. Julie then had YET ANOTHER seizure. Elisabeth went to bed, accomplished she got to see Julie squirm so often.
"Eliiisbuurthhh ploooorrshhhmaaa… uggathorma sherglacier bugmarch daaaaaannnn…" Julie said her last piece of gibberish before she passed out.
Both of them didn't notice that at that moment, the rat's blood, skin, and chocolate had reappeared, but in the form of a dimensional hole… it appeared on Julie's heart, where she laid her hand before she fell completely unconscious. What it was reacting to, was "daaaaaaaaaaaaaannn."
Uh-oh.
So what's gonna happen, eh? Well, it's kind of obvious, if you just think about it. Thinkin's pretty boring and RUINS EVERYTHING, so I suggest you just act like, 'WHOAMG, AN EVIL HEARTHOLE.' and like I'm not a completely obvious author; especially since I'm not writing the next chapter. Thanks for reading!
Yea, anyways, I apologize that the whole chapter was just OCs… it's definitely changing, I'll tell you that.
R&R would be cool. Moxie's writing the next chapter, so expect some surefire extreme weirdness and better Harry Potter references. :D