Title: Weary at Heart
Author/pseudonym: NemKess
Fandom: Fake
Pairing: Ryo/Dee
Rating: PG
Archive: anywhere is fine too as long as you let me know.
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmuses@msn.com
Other websites: ff.net
Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

Notes: Many of the italic 'memories' that Dee remembers are from translations of the Manga. The other italics are him arguing with his conscience.

"Damn it, Dee. Can't you grope someone else for one night!"

Dee Laytner pulled back as though burned. His friend's outburst wasn't entirely unheard of; Ryo always made some kind of protest to any intimate contact that Dee might initiate. It wasn't even the first time those protests had been harsh and stinging.

Perhaps they hit Dee as strongly as they did because of the cases the detectives had recently finished up. Elusive serial rapists and murdered prostitutes were never something he enjoyed working on at the best of times- they brought back entirely too many memories of his own childhood.

Or perhaps Dee was just weary at heart. He'd been in love with his partner, Ryo McClain, for the better part of two years. The handsome cop had done everything he could think of, including being completely celibate for the entire time, and still.. Still Ryo wouldn't believe he was serious.

Ryo's worried look pulled him out of his thoughts and he pasted on a smirk, knowing it was expected of him. "Sure, Ryo. Hey, you mind if I use your shower?"

Worry smoothed out to exasperated amusement. "I don't know why you bother to ask, you always do it anyways."

And that struck at Dee's rapidly crumbling facade as well and he knew he had to get out of the room and away from his partner as quickly as possible. "Well, it's just that I know you don't mind."

"Right." The sarcastic remark made it's own crack and Dee knew he was practically running as he fell into the bathroom and locked the door behind him, not bothering to respond to Ryo's comment about making dinner.

Two years...

Two very long, frequently lonely years.

He turned on the water, letting it warm, and then frowned at his reflection in the mirror as he pulled off his clothes.

What did Ryo see when looking at him?

A tall, mostly attractive man, rapidly approaching thirty? A hard nosed cynical cop who liked to break the rules and cause trouble? An honest man who refused to hide his sexuality, even among co-workers who weren't exactly comfortable with it? Or maybe the street-wise, smart assed kid who still lurked under the surface?

Perhaps the better question was, what was it that Ryo didn't see?

What was it about him that had so convinced the more shy, half-Japanese man that Dee couldn't be trusted? That Dee couldn't be serious in a relationship?

Certainly he'd proved in the last two years that his feelings weren't fickle.. He'd hardly even looked at another person, male or female, since he'd met Ryo. And more than once, Dee had been the one to walk away from something sexual between them when he knew his partner would have regrets.

The steam that fogged the mirror managed to remind him of his excuse for this escape and he slipped into the shower. Bowing his head, he let the water stream over his body. The heat helped with his physical chill, but did nothing for the ice that was making it's way through his chest.

'Damn it, Dee. Can't you grope someone else for one night!'

Did Ryo really feel like he was being molested on a regular basis?

"No," he denied, shaking his head fiercely. Dee knew he would have backed off early on if he'd thought Ryo really didn't want him.

'I'm not like you, Dee. I'm not gay.'

"Maybe he isn't, but surely he loves me..."

.. 'Don't you love me anymore, Ryo?
'I never loved you to begin with.'....

"He wasn't being serious, he was just irritated with me."

He's always irritated with you.. The only time he's ever shown you the slightest encouragement was when you were hurt or he thought something bad had happened to you.

Dee glared sullenly down at the drain, as if his seldom heard conscience was hiding there.

Admit it, Randy McClain does not and never has had any thought about you even remotely resembling the boffing bunnies scenarios that always run through your mind.

"Well it isn't like I can tell what he's thinking. I'm not a mind reader."

No, but he's usually very vocal in his protests.

"He doesn't mean that"

"I don't know why you bother to ask, you always do it anyways."

Did he really? Had he spent the last two years seeing only what he wanted to see and ignoring the truth?

Had he been forcing his attentions on someone unable and unwilling to return them?

Over and over, his conscience replayed all the various memories of the last two years that supported that idea. Defiantly, he tried to remember all the ones that proved his own belief that Ryo loved him.

Stacking the lists side by side left him on the losing side.

God.

He'd been as bad and worse than any number of the predators in his own past. And though he could console himself with the knowledge that at least he'd never actually raped Ryo, he had to admit that on more than one occasion it had come damn close.

There had been times when only his own experience with such things had stayed his hand.

Dee covered his mouth with his hands and fought the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him. How close had he come to destroying the man he loved?

But you didn't.

"But I could have."

But you didn't. And now you know. You recognize what you've been doing and you can stop it.

"But I love him."

Then love him enough to accept his friendship without pushing for more.

"I can't... I need time."

You have vacation time. Instead of finagling your way into his vacation, use the time to get a grip on yourself. Loving him is all well and good. But don't be the kind of person that crushes what he loves.

Heartsick, but determined, Dee turned off the water and got out. He dried off quickly and pulled his clothes back on, wrinkling his nose a bit as he realized they were the same ones he'd just taken off. With a philosophical shrug, he sighed and straightened them out best he could.

It wasn't the first time he'd worn dirty clothes in his lifetime and he doubted it'd be the last.

Taking a few deep breaths to fortify his resolve and opened the door. Stepping out of the bathroom, he looked around and was relieved to note that Ryo was still in the kitchen. From the sounds of it, he was chatting with Cara.

"'Bout time, moron. You're not the only person here ya know."

Startled green eyes jerked down to see Bicky pulling himself upright from where he'd leant against the wall, waiting to use the restroom. Frowning, Dee nodded and stepped aside so that the boy could move past him. "Yeah, sorry."

Now it was the teens turn to look startled and the detective had to wonder if he'd really been so bad he'd never apologized in Bicky's presence. "You feeling okay?"

He smiled faintly at the kid's barely masked concern.

"Yeah, Bicky. Nothing to worry about." It occurred to him that if he had to look into Ryo's eyes before he'd come to grips with his new decision, he'd never be able to stick with it. "Hey, kid, do me a favor?"

The concern was quickly replaced with wariness. "Depends one what it is."

"Just... Can you tell Ryo that I had to go? And I'll see him tomorrow?"

Without waiting for an answer, he picked up his shoulder harness and gun from where he'd left it and put it on. He was aware of Bicky standing there, looking both confused and concerned as he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door and released a soft, vaguely bitter chuckle. Usually he had to be forcibly removed from their apartment. The kid was obviously floundering, wondering why on Earth this time was any different.

At the door, he paused and looked back at the room he'd spent so much time in over the last two years.

Somehow, he doubted he'd see it again for a very long time- if ever.

His shoulders were slumped as he exited the apartment.

Straightening up, he pushed his melancholy away.

First thing was first. If he hurried, he could still make it back to the station in time to put in his request. The department shrink had been trying to get him to take time off for a while now, and they'd wrapped up most of their latest cases. He shouldn't have too much trouble getting leave, especially once the Chief and Commissioner realized that he would be taking it alone.

After that.. well, surely in a couple of weeks he'd be able to push his feelings for Ryo far enough down that being friends and partners with the man- friends and partner and nothing more than that- wouldn't kill him.

If not...

Well, there were other police departments.

The click of the door shutting behind him had a sense of finality to it.