Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured in this story. Only the plot belongs to me. The poem (Featured in italics) is called "Dirge Without Music" and is by Edna St. Vincent Millay
Rating: G
Summary: Angel laments at Buffy's grave.
Spoilers: Graduation (this recounts a different ending to the story)
Author's Note: I have been editing and revising my current stories, so please do not expect any new ones out soon. This is the new, improved, and revised edition of this story. Enjoy, and thanks for your patience.
I Am Not Resigned
By:
Spike's Angel
Angel lay the rose on Buffy's grave and sat back on his heels, tears streaming down his cheeks, staining his burgundy silk shirt. He reached out and traced the words of her name, then the words her mother had had engraved on the bottom. "Daughter, Lover, Friend, and Protector." Joyce, in her grief, had asked everyone who had been closest to her daughter to describe Buffy in one word. She had given 'Daughter', Xander and Willow 'Friend', Giles 'Protector'. Angel had been surprised when Joyce had stepped up to him and asked the question. The hatred Joyce had once had for him was gone, replaced by a need to remember Buffy through the loving eyes of her friends. Angel had stood quietly, looked in Joyce's eyes, and spoke one word, 'Lover'. Buffy's mother merely nodded...and to his surprise, she had embraced him.
A sob escaped from his throat as he retraced the words again. "How could she have died..." he thought, and thought back to the day of the fight...
Graduation Day...
The Mayor had changed into a huge, gruesome snake. Buffy had somehow gotten the graduating class to understand what was going to happen at the graduation, and they had all come stocked with weapons. They refused to go down without a fight. Vampires came and attacked to students, but they still fought valiantly. Some died, some lived, but all fought to protect their town. When the Mayor got to hard to handle, Buffy appeared in front of him, wielding a small, brown package.
I am not resigned to the shutting away of
loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been,
time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the
lovely. Crowned.
With lilies and laurels they go; but I am
not resigned.
Buffy looked the Mayor straight in the eyes and unfolded the package, revealing a knife. She waved it in front of him; it's metal gleaming in the light of the fire that was slowly burning the school. Dried blood clung to its intricately cut blade. Buffy smiled and touched the blood, a look of revulsion on her face, only a mask covering what she really felt- pain. "Look here," she said to him. "This is the knife I killed Faith with!" The monster glared at her, pain written all over its face as it recognized the knife the mayor had given his precious Faith. "Don't you want it back?" Buffy cried, and ran into the school.
Angel knew where she was going. She was trying to lead him into the library, where he and the Scooby Gang had placed dynamite and explosives to kill the snake. She only had a few minutes to lead him there and get out herself; the fuse had already been lit. But Angel wasn't afraid, he knew she would come out safely. After many minutes, she did.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with
you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate
dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you
knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,-but the best
is lost.
She ran out of the school just as it exploded. Everyone looked at her as she smiled. "We did it!" Buffy cried, looking at her friends delightedly. Angel stood in the shadows, knowing that he could not go to her. He had already decided that the best thing for him to do was to leave Sunnydale. But he stayed, to watch her, to make sure she was unharmed. Angel watched her take a step, the smile still on her face.
All of a sudden, the charred remains of the mayor threw its ugly head out of the building, screaming in pain as shards of metal, glass, and wood flew through the air. Buffy turned in horror to see a long piece of wood falling straight at her. Angel's legs moved like the wind as he tried to reach her in time, but he was too late. The wood pushed its way straight through her, embedding itself in her chest, Ironically, it went straight through her heart. The last thing Angel heard before he reached her was a scream of pain.
He looked into Buffy's tear-filled eyes. Her breath came in ragged gasps as blood streamed from the wound. Angel forced himself to look away from the intoxicating sweetness of the Slayer's blood, the blood of the one he loved, and stare into her eyes. "Angel..." she whispered, blood trickling from her mouth. "I...I...love..." "Shh, beloved, I know," Angel whispered back soothingly. Even then, he knew she wouldn't make it. "It...it hurts..." Buffy choked. Angel forced himself to keep in the tears. "Buffy, I love you, you mean everything to me," he said. A small smile appeared on Buffy's lips. "You...my Angel...are my everything. I...I...love...you...so much...don't leave...me..." Her body jerked once, the tears in her eyes streamed forth, and the Slayer...the protector of the innocent, the killer of evil...was dead.
The answers quick and keen, the honest
look, the laughter, the love,-
They are gone. They are gone to feed the
roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I
know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes
than all the roses of the world.
Angel recounted the funeral, held at night, so he could attend. So many sad faces, so many tears, but none like his. Willow and Giles moved about as in a trance, their eyes filled with tears that never stopped, their faces red and swollen from crying. Joyce stood quietly, her face hidden by a black veil. Angel stood back from them all and watched silently. He looked at Xander, the only one who even remotely knew what he was going through. With shock, he had realized that Xander had loved Buffy.
As he watched the pallbearers- Xander, Buffy's father, and her two uncles- carry the coffin away, he had left. He could not watch them put her body into the ground. He had gone to the graveyard after everyone left.
Now here he was, staring down at her grave, wondering what he should have done to save her. Angel re-read the words on the stone, then stood up. He couldn't let it end like this. He had been brought back from Hell for a reason. He couldn't just let Buffy die. Strength coursed through his body as he turned and strode out of the graveyard. "I cannot let her die. there has to be a way to bring her back. We will be together again. I cannot let myself be resigned to her fate!" Angel turned into the street and stopped, looking up at the sky. "Do you hear me God?" he screamed. "I am not resigned!"
Down, down, down into the darkness of
the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the
kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty,
the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.