You know those days where you just feel like the world would be a much better place without you in it? Those days where you feel like you're just being a burden on everyone around you... Even strangers you see walking on the footpath beside you. Like everyone's staring at you, judging you as unfit to be alive. I hate the way everyone looks at me... That feeling of not knowing who you are. Or where you fit in? Feeling like there's nowhere that you really belong anymore... Those days where you just want to fall to the ground, curl up and cry your eyes out. Cry for hours. Cry until you have no tears left. You're just so unhappy all the time and it starts to make everything you used to be interested in not worthwhile anymore. You can't even find the effort to get out of bed in the mornings to start your day. You would rather just lay there, and stare at nothing. Think nothing. Feel nothing. You hate where you're at in life, and no matter how hard you try, you can't figure out how to fix your problems? How to make yourself feel good again?
What about... Feeling empty. Like there's nothing in the world, nothing for you. No one for you. No one cares. You don't even care. You feel like you're being dragged into a dark pit, so deep, never ending, so dark, and so cold. And you can't get out of it? No matter what you do, the pit never ends. The sun never shines. The darkness is eternal.
You've gone through years of being put down for everything you do, made to feel worthless. Maybe even incomplete? Years of being stressed out about every little thing about yourself. Had comments made at you by everyone, 'You're doing it wrong,' 'don't even bother, small fry, you can't do that...' 'Why doesn't he just give up?' 'It's never going to happen...'
You're unhappy with your life. Everything about it. Even your own bedroom. You think you're disgusting. You find yourself crying yourself to sleep every night. And waking up feeling even worse than you had the night before, if that's even possible. Sometimes you just get so fed up... that you don't even want to look at yourself. You can't. You're slowly falling apart. People think it's so easy being you... But if they really knew what was on the inside, maybe they wouldn't so quick to assume.
Sometimes... You find yourself shaking in the middle of the night... Then it suddenly hits you... And you can't even believe this is your life... You're not strong enough to deal with it...
That's my life for you...
How I feel every minute of the day. Every day. Every month of the year. And every year of my life.
These are my final words. My story.
From when I met you, to the present time.
Hopefully you understand now. Why I had to do it...
-Roxas.
Day One...
Sleep was broken when the tiny gap in the between the blinds let through a ray of sunshine, a ray that just happened to be pointed straight towards the pale blonde boys closed eye lids. He groaned softly, rolling away to try and avoid the light that meant it was time for him to wake up again. He didn't want to wake up, not only was it way to early, but it had taken him a long time to get to sleep the night before. In fact, he hadn't gone to sleep until about 4am.
He began to wonder what the time was now. Slowly he cracked open one of his eyes, the one that had managed to avoid the sunlight, he threw his arm across his bed and found his small phone, exactly what he had been looking for. He pulled his arm back and slid the phone open. He couldn't help but groan at what he saw. 7am. He had only gotten a measly 3 hours sleep. Sure that was more than sometimes, but it still wasn't enough for him to feel better.
He considered faking sick and taking a day off school, but figured that it was probably a bad idea, seeing as he had already taken so many days off sick already and he was beginning to fall behind in his work.
He studied at Twilight University. He was really interested in Journalism so that was the career he was working towards. He took a Creative writing class, as well as his Journalism class. He wasn't only interested in Journalism, he had a passion for writing too, which is where his interest in Journalism came from. He wrote stories. Lots of stories. And posted them online for people everywhere to read and give him advice. He was regularly updating stories, adding knew chapters, editing things. Posting new stories. He was very good at keeping track of all his writing, and making sure it was all updated instead of favouring one story and leaving the rest.
In general life was good for Roxas. At least that's what people though. That's what people saw. That's the impression that he gave people when they asked him what he was doing and how he was. He was the only one who really knew what was going on. How bad Roxas felt all of the time. Well him, and his younger brother Sora. Sora had found out by accident and had from that moment on taken extra time in his days to check on Roxas, asking him if he was okay, if he needed to talk. Of course Roxas needed to talk, but not to Sora. Sora was to innocent to know about what went on inside of Roxas' head. That was saved for his counsellor, Zexion. Also his best friend. He wasn't really a counsellor of course, but Roxas liked to call him that. His friend was studying at the same university as him but was doing a psychology course. He was good to talk to, a great listener. And wasn't one to judge without first 'researching' as he called it.
After stalling for a good 20 minutes Roxas figured it was about time he got up and dressed. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and stretched his arms above his head, sighing with content when he heard his bones cracking, making him more relaxed. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, his feet instantly sliding into a pair of slippers he guessed Sora had put there sometime either yesterday or while he was sleeping this morning. Sora tended to like being up and out of bed as the sun was rising, too early for Roxas.
He opened the wooden door to his bedroom and headed silently down the long hallway that to the kitchen, the only sound that was heard was the sound of the soles of his slippers padding on the cold wooden floor boards. And the sound of Sora humming away to himself in the kitchen, Roxas couldn't help but left a soft smile form on his lips. His brother was such a happy kid; nothing really bothered him at all. Not even Roxas' phases where he would just lock himself in his room for hours on end, his music blaring and him doing god knows what in his bedroom. Usually self harm.
Sora knew this, but he didn't harass Roxas about it. He had told his brother his opinion on what he did to himself and that was it. He often checked Roxas for new marks, of any kind, be it cuts or bruises. He never commented about the fresh ones, but always got a sad look in his eyes when he discovered them, and moved away from Roxas quickly, distracting himself with other things.
Roxas walked into the kitchen and was blinded by sunlight that was even stronger than that of the light in his bedroom, Sora had the blinds pulled right up and the sun was shining in through the open window, the smell of spring was in the air. Roxas' favourite season of them all. It wasn't cold, but it wasn't too hot either. He didn't like the heat very much; it was sweaty and made him very uncomfortable. It also meant that they would start seeing baby animals around, they were always very cute. One of the very little amount of things that made Roxas happy.
"Oh, Good morning, Sleepy head!" Sora's cheerful voice reached him from across the other side of the kitchen, he was already dressed and had already cleaned the kitchen, apart from the small meal that had been placed at Roxas' seat on the table. Sora had made him breakfast that morning. A series of giggles erupted from Sora's mouth and Roxas looked over at him confused.
"You should see your hair, Roxas." He said, pointing at the mess on top of Roxas' head.
Roxas shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair, he could tell what it looked like just from feeling it. That and his fingers got stuck in quite a few knots on the way through.
"Eh, I'll fix it later." He replied, his voice was very different from Sora's. While Sora's was usually cheerful, happy. Roxas' was low and kind of empty sounding. Apart from when he got really into a discussion, it took on a totally different tone and made Roxas seem like a different person. Sora liked that person a lot better than his depressed brother.
Roxas took his seat at the table and began to slowly eat the food Sora had made for him. He didn't usually eat breakfast, nor was he that hungry either. But he didn't want to disappoint Sora or make him unhappy, so he was forcing himself to eat anyway.
"Just wash up when you're finished." Sora said, "I have to leave early today 'cause I'm meeting up with Riku and Kairi." He added. His eyes took on a dreamy look when he mentioned Riku's name. Roxas smirked, he knew about Sora's crush on Riku, even though Sora had never told him Roxas was very observant and had noticed the different way Sora acted around Riku.
He nodded his head, acknowledging that Sora had spoken to him, and letting him know he would do what he was asked for. Sora smiled and picked up a small backpack before walking past Roxas, ruffling his hair, and then leaving the house. Roxas sighed and looked around the empty kitchen, the house also seemed to dim some when Sora left it. Like the happiness and the laughter of the house had left with him, following him wherever he went. And left Roxas in the quiet, in the darkness.
When he had finished his morning routine Roxas headed to the front door, he stopped and went through a checklist in his head quickly, making sure he had done everything that needed to be done before nodded and leaving the house, locking it behind himself. He started the journey to University, he could catch the bus but Roxas preferred to walk during Spring. Every other season he would catch a bus, or get a lift off Zexion. Whichever was more convenient on the day.
Summer was too hot, and he would sweat in his clothes, making them smell. And get those disgusting stains under his arm pits that he saw so many of the other people at his school get.
Winter was definitely too cold to walk in, he would freeze to death on the way to school if he tried to walk, no matter how many layers of clothes he had on.
Autumn was to boring. And he didn't really like the sound that the leaves made when you stepped on them. It made his teeth itch.
It took him about an hour to get from his house to the university. When he arrived his friends Zexion and Demyx were already there. He wasn't really that good friends with Demyx but he put up with him for Zexion's sake. His friend had had a crush on Demyx for as long as Roxas could remember. But because Demyx was popular, and a bit oblivious to everything around him, he hadn't noticed.
"Hey, Guys." Roxas said as he approached the too, he took his seat at the small table and dropped his bag on top of it. Zexion and Demyx both acknowledged him with a nod and then went back to whatever conversation they had been having before Roxas had arrived. He sighed and laid his head down on his back, ignoring them. Maybe he could rest a little bit before it was time to go to his creative writing class. He was almost in a slightly unconscious state when he heard something being directed at him,
"...the new kid, Roxas?"
Roxas looked up, an eyebrow raised, a look of confusion clear across his face.
"He wasn't listening, Demyx." Zexion said, a half smile on his lips.
Roxas shrugged his shoulders, he had thought it would be obvious that he hadn't been listening, his head was down on the table, and his eyes were closed, isn't that obvious enough. Then again, this was Demyx..
"I said. Have you heard anything about the new kid?" Demyx repeated.
Roxas tilted his head to the left slightly,
"No. There's a new kid?" He asked, genuinely curious. It wasn't often that they got people who started at University halfway through the year.
"Yeah, Apparently he transferred from Radiant Garden." Demyx replied, an excited smile on his face. And he was bouncing up and down on his seat. It was bothering Roxas. Giving him a headache.
"Really?" Roxas asked, he was bored of the conversation now.
"Yep, and he's going to be in your classes!" Demyx added.
Now Roxas was even more interested than he had been before, a new kid in his classes?
"Really..? Are you sure?" Roxas asked. It wouldn't have been surprising if Demyx had gotten the information mixed up and the guy was in an art class or something.
Demyx nodded. Zexion smiled.
"He's right, I heard it too." He commented, backing up his crush.
Roxas raised an eyebrow.
"well. I'll let you guys know what he's like then." He said, chuckling softly, more to himself than for the other two.
"Now, we have another person joining out class today, guys. So make him feel welcome. He should be here soon."
Roxas' creative writing teacher had spent the beginning of the lesson talking to the class about the new guy.
So far all Roxas had found out was that his name was Axel something. He was 24, 4 years older than Roxas. He had been doing the same course over at Radiant Garden but had to be transferred over to Twilight Town after some incidents that the teacher refused to discuss with them.
He didn't sound all that interesting. Though Roxas couldn't deny that he was interested to find out what the so called 'incidents' were that had made the guy get transferred to here.
The teacher started their lesson there, not being patient enough to wait for the poor guy to get here before he got right into it. Roxas was writing quickly in his book when there was a loud knock on the door, it echoed through the room and everyone in the class dropped their pens to look up expectantly.
The teacher placed down his book and white board marker to walk over to the door. He smiled and shook hands with someone before indicating for them to enter the classroom.
Roxas' mouth almost fell to the floor at the sight of the man that walked into the room. He couldn't decide if he liked the look of him or not. He was tall, that was sure, he was taller than the teacher. He had amazing red hair that was spiked. His eyes were an intense green, and he had two small purple triangular tattoos under each of his eyes. He was dressed in tight skinny jeans and red converse shoes. His torso was covered by a tight blood red shirt with a black vest over to of it. He didn't know what to make of the man.
"Now, Axel. The only spare seat is only next to Roxas so you can sit next to him." The teacher explained, pointing at Roxas to show Axel who he was, Roxas started gathering his things up and moving them to his side so there was more room for Axel to put his stuff down.
"And I'm sure that Roxas would be happy to photocopy his notes and give them to you to revise."
Roxas sighed and nodded. He always seemed to be the one getting stuck with copying notes and giving them to people to take and look over if they missed the work. That was when he was there, before he had started taking lots of days off.
Axel gracefully dropped himself down into his chair, barely making a noise as he got a note book and a pen out of his messenger bag. Roxas looked straight ahead to the front of the room, but every now and then glanced at Axel from the corner of his eyes. He sat with such good posture compared to Roxas who was slouched over. And he smelled good too. Roxas was almost drooling at the smell. It was so intoxicating, but in a good way.
A couple of hours later their lesson was finished and just as Roxas was about to stand up and leave the room Axel stuck his hand out.
"hey, I'm Axel." He said, a kind smile playing on his lips.
Roxas stared at the hand for a moment before quickly pushing his out too. He shook it gently before pulling it back and wiping his hand on the back of his own jeans.
"Roxas." He said simply.
Axel nodded, "I know." He said chuckling softly. He pointed at Roxas' note book. "So you're gonna copy notes for me right?" He asked.
Roxas nodded. "Yes I am." He replied.
Axel smiled. "You know what'd be fun?" He asked. "If you taught me what I missed out on. Could be like a study date."
Roxas' cheeks instantly turned dark red. He shook his head.
"N-no. Um.. we can't." He said. He frowned, he sounded like a loser. "I'm busy tonight. Sorry." He said quickly before turning and running out of the room. His cheeks were warm and red, he was so embarrassed. Why had he acted like that in front of Axel.
He rushed to the table that he and Zexion and Demyx sat at and threw himself down into the seat.
Zexion cocked and eyebrow up, "Something up?" He asked.
Roxas exhaled slowly. "I totally made a fool of myself in front of Axel. He asked if we could do a study date and I got all embarrassed and got tongue-tied." He explained, a frown on his face the entire time.
Zexion rolled his eyes, He looked over Roxas' shoulder. "Does Axel have red spiky hair?" He asked curiously.
Roxas looked up at Zexion surprised, had he met him already or something? He nodded his head gently.
"Yes. And he's totally gorgeous." Roxas said in a huff.
Zexion chuckled softly before poking Roxas' shoulder gently.
Roxas pouted slightly. "Why?" He asked.
Zexion smiled.
"Well.. It looks like your new friend is coming this way." He replied, a cheeky smile forming on his lips.
Roxas immediately got to his feet and looked behind him. Sure enough there was Axel, walking straight over to them. He gathered his stuff up and quickly muttered something about going home because he had a sore stomach and fled, leaving the university and running all the way home.
Axel approached Zexion and Demyx, a confused look on his face.
"You described him differently, Demyx." He stated, a dejected look on his face.
Demyx rubbed the back of his head gently, chuckling,
"Yeah well I didn't expect the kid to freak out." He replied.
Zexion raised an eyebrow at the exchange between the two.
"Wait.. You know each other?" He asked, he was confused.
Axel and Demyx both smiled at him.
"Of course." They replied in unison.