Smoking, Sherlock? I never pegged you for a man of such cheap thrills.

You know as well as I do that's not true.

Yeah alright maybe not. Still, one can't help but be disappointed. You, smoking… Such a cliché.

Did you ever try it?

Are you going to tell me that if I had, I would've understood why it is a cliché?

No… I'm going to make you take a drag and when you start to cough I'm going to tell you to not mock things you cannot handle.

Really? Isn't there anything you'd rather have down my throat than petty nicotine?

Not at the moment, no. Won't you indulge me?

Alright, but just because you look so sinfully delicious surrounded by that cloud of smoke.

Could I just have a lick of that?

Of which end?

The one you've been sucking.

Here.

Mmh… I'd actually rather press the other end against my arm, but I don't want you to think I'm morbid or something.

Oh, no… We couldn't have that. Just do it already.

Thank you, dear. Here you go.

How kind of you to not put it out. There are little bits of you on this, now.

How do I taste?

Just as intoxicating as I've always imagined.

There's no use denying it any longer. We're in a relationship.

How did you figure?

I can't feel the scent of your cigarette brand any longer. It's been too close for too long.

Ah. I didn't think we'd have this moment until I got you addicted as well.

Oh, honey, that won't happen even if we marry. Ash all over my suits? I hardly think so.

You don't seem to mind when it's my ash.

Of course not; that's different.

Aren't you afraid of cancer?

If I feared death, I wouldn't even be here.

Not death as such… but such a boring way to go.

I don't expect I'll live long enough to go through it, anyway.

That's entirely up to you. I'm not about to off the one person who is more interesting alive.

Maybe I'll do it to you before you get the chance.

Oh really? What'd you do to me once I was dead?

Aside from the obvious, that is?

The obvious?

You know as well as I do what I'm talking about.

Of course, but it'd be most inspiring to hear you say it. Indulge me.

So you were a smoker, after all.

Of course I was; don't be daft.

Has anyone ever told you that you're an insufferable little faker?

No one has said it and lived, no.

Perhaps I shouldn't push my luck.

You don't think I'm insufferable, though.

Really? Don't I? Want to bet?

Sure. How about this?

You—never mind. Keep it. You seem to need it.

I do, don't I?

What's going on?

Mind your place, fuck buddy.

Naturally.

I don't mind it if you smoke after, but during? Really?

Haha, sorry, I'm not quite, uh, myself, today. Hah.

I'm surprised you can even maintain an erection under the influence of whatever that is, but please, put your cigarette out.

Mmh, alright… Give me something else to put in my mouth, then.

You're a pissy little bitch today, aren't you?

Yeah. I'm trying to quit again. Maybe we ought to… Reschedule.

Oh, surely you can handle me without petty nicotine.

That depends. How much have you been whispering into big brother's ear?

Is that why you've been acting like this?

Sherlock.

I haven't said a word. You ought to know by now that I don't have any sentimental loyalty to him.

Do you have any for me?

You knew right from the start I wouldn't be your lapdog.

You can't blame a boy for hoping. So... How much would you charge to send him a false lead or two?

Oh, I'll do that for the fun.

Do you have a light?

I thought you had quit.

It didn't work out.

Well-

Oh no, don't tell me you did as well.

I'm afraid so.

But why? It's not like you suffer any consequences.

I realized you smoke about half of the cigarettes I buy, and John destroys the other half. I never get to enjoy them myself.

Then I'm fucked. Mind if I call Sebastian? I'm sure he'll be very eager to bring me my matches.

Oh, go ahead. I don't mind, as long as he doesn't plan to stay.

Oh, no. He's a good dog... All housebroken.

You're dripping on me.

I know; it's pissing down.

Since when do we meet at mine, anyway?

Oh, don't worry. Your pet is out and I brought breakfast and nicotine patches.

I don't want breakfast.

I never said I brought you breakfast. You can have some of my coffee, though.

How thoughtful.

Are you always like this in the morning?

Only when I wake up to someone else, soaking wet and completely unexpected, in my bed.

Oh, come on, I wanted to see your home.

You've been here before.

Yeah alright I wanted to know whether you sleep in the nude – and it looks like I was right, too!

Just shut up for five minutes, would you?

Touch-ey!

Jim.

Fine.

Are you going to jump out my window, now?

It does rather look like it, doesn't it?

May I ask why, or will you simply disappoint me?

Well... I needed a cigarette, and I thought John might get suspicious if the flat reeked when he got back.

So you decided to smoke it sitting on my windowsill? Outside? In the rain?

It's not like I'm wearing anything expensive, so what does it matter?

Pneumonia?

Pneumonia? Don't be absurd. At least that would make something interesting happen, what with the fever... You don't happen to have any LSD lying around, do you?

Why don't you take a look?

So that's a no, then? Pity. This place could use some colour.

Put it out on my hip.

Here?

Just a little to the left... Ah, yes, there.

Is this... Braille?

Not yet, but I'm getting there.

Not even I understand your humour.

This isn't humour. I'm deadly serious about this. Surely even you can see that.

As long as you keep your self-destruction to yourself, I'm not going to complain.

I will... But, you are me. You are. We are the same, you and I.

I'm not you.

Really? Where's the difference, love?

You blow up old ladies and I track down and catch people who do.

Oh... I see. On the side of the angels, are you?

I just so happen to be, yes.

Are you sure? Because I would find that terribly disappointing, and I don't think you want to disappoint me, Sherlock.