Nothing Left At All
We live to give ourselves away
But they take til there's nothing left at all
Elliot rubbed his tired eyes and lazily made his way through the squad room, just barely missing a chair that blocked the aisle ever so slightly. Shrugging it off, he continued on his way. He shook his head in an effort to wake up. It was going to be a long day, he could already tell. He and Olivia had been up the better part of the past day and a half and it was getting to him. If he was tired, he knew Olivia had to be downright exhausted.
The week had gone from dead to bustling. Cragen had signed off on Fin's time off to attend a wedding out-of-state and after that, it all went downhill. The cases came in left and right and Olivia had no choice but to take on Fin's cases to help John out. Elliot's so-called, "walk in the park" had turned up two more assaults from previous attacks. He was getting nowhere without an extra body to do interviews. He felt bad for even asking Olivia for her help when he knew she was bogged down. He'd taken one look into her bloodshot eyes and regretted it right away. She'd insisted, though, staying up half the night with him to review notes and possible leads so he could start on them the next day. That was a day ago and yesterday wasn't any better.
Olivia helped when she could, which meant she spent every waking minute scouring prints, DNA samples, and anything else Elliot would need her eyes for. He'd come and gone all day, each time seeing her hard at work. She wouldn't budge. It had gotten to be eleven thirty and everyone had long since gone home, leaving just the two of them in the deserted room. They'd made progress but exhaustion was preventing them from moving forward. Hours later, he finally had given up and told her he was going home to his nice, comfortable bed. He hated to leave her but she'd insisted that she was leaving any minute. At the time, he knew she'd stay until someone drug her away but he was simply too tired to argue. One of them had to get a decent night's sleep. Well, a few hours at least. When the alarm went off at six, he'd hardly gotten any shut- eye and he was reminded of that each time he took a step. He was still tired but the few hours he got were better than nothing. As he rounded the corner, the sight that greeted him stopped him in his tracks.
Olivia was hunched over her desk, what appeared to be sound asleep. Her head was buried in the crook of her right arm and her left arm was wrapped around the back of her neck. Only a few wispy strands of her hair were visible through the tightly clenched fingers of her left hand. She was still wearing the clothes she'd been in the night before. He sighed, feeling like an ass. He should have called and made sure she'd gone home. At the very little, he should have told her to sleep in the crib. He thought for a moment, unsure of what to do. Olivia would raise a stink if he didn't wake her up, but regardless of the workload, the health and safety of a detective came first. He turned back around and was met face-to-face with Fin and Munch.
"Wh" John started to ask what was up when he saw Elliot jerk his head. His eyes moved down past Elliot and he saw what Elliot was referring to. He nudged Fin and nodded, before escorting the younger man away. Quietly, he could be heard explaining what the deal was. He saw Fin shake his head and the look on his face matched how Elliot felt: guilt. Elliot walked over to Cragen's office and tapped on the door. Hearing a muffled response, he opened the door.
"Sorry. Mouth was full. It's the only chance I've had lately to relax and get a bite to eat." He wiped his mouth with a napkin and took a sip of his coffee before setting it back down.
"Hey, you care if Liv takes a few hours off this morning? She's beat. I left here last night real late. Well, real early and she must have fallen asleep at her desk after that. She's been picking up cases for Fin and John, too. I think we'll be fine now that Fin's back. You know, if you could kinda send her to get some sleep…" He wasn't sure if Cragen would let Olivia off for a few hours but he didn't care. She deserved it and it was the least he could do to ask.
"So I've noticed. This shit always happens when I give one of you a day or two off. I should have known but damnit, I worked enough hours in my lifetime to give my people the time they have coming. I can't do anything about the rapes, Elliot." He didn't know if he was making any sense. He knew what it was like to go on little or not sleep. He'd seen too many detectives burn out and refused to let it happen to his people. He rubbed the back of his neck and stood up before walking over to the door. He stepped out into the hall and stared across the squad room. Frowning, he sighed deeply.
"See what I mean? I shouldn't have asked her for the help but I had nothing to go with. It was one case, compared to the three they had. I figured I could handle one case. Then the other two vics came forward once they heard about it in the papers and I thought, well, I thought Liv would help out. I shouldn't have asked and she shouldn't have accepted but you know Liv." He stopped talking and looked up from where he was staring. He hadn't seen Cragen trying to cut him off.
"I know, Elliot. I know Olivia and I know you. You wouldn't ask if you didn't need the help and she wouldn't turn you down if she didn't know the same. Hell, she wouldn't turn you down, either way. You're both stubborn. I've come to terms with that. Make it happen." He saw Elliot nod and leave. He frowned.
He was worried about Olivia for the both of them. He knew the guys would keep an eye on her, though. He'd read up on personality types enough to know that she wasn't the type to ask for help. She'd work and work and if the work got to be too much she'd just work longer to get it all done. She'd get frustrated at her lack of focus once she'd reached the wee hours of the morning. She'd curse her inability to concentrate and all the pent up feelings would come out in a curse or a slam of something on, or off, her desk. Yeah, he knew the type. He knew because he was the same way when he was her age. It was his job as her boss and as her friend, to keep her reeled in. Over time, he'd changed; mellowed out. He still raised his voice and pitched a fit but he was a far cry from his younger years.
A feeling of guilt settled in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't shake. He should have stepped in. Not because Olivia was a female. It didn't take a book to realize that. It had taken Olivia being one of the guys. She held her own but she was human and sometimes people need to be reminded they are mere mortals, in need of sleep and food. Olivia was sorely missing out on both and he kicked himself for not noticing. She didn't need to a babysitter, he knew that. She just needed someone to look out for her when she was beyond the point she could take care of and look out for herself. Suddenly, he was no longer hungry. He wrapped his burrito back up and shoved it away from him, completely disgusted with himself. He didn't deserve to eat, anyway.
Elliot regretted what he had to do. It was for her own good, but she looked as if she was finally getting some rest. Her desk was not the best spot for that, though, so he gently shook her shoulder to rouse her. He heard Olivia groan and saw her slowly lift her head and peer in his general direction. Her eyes opened briefly before snapping shut against the onslaught of the lights in the squad room. Migraine.
"Ow." She spoke in a whisper; her pain-wracked brain could not handle anything louder. All she could think about was the pounding in her head. It radiated from one side and every now and then would switch to the other, just to mix things up a bit. She was miserable and now that she was awake, nauseous. She could feel every movement the blood in her head made through the many veins in her brain.
"Ow is right. Have you ever had one of those before?" He kneeled down next to his partner and rested a hand on the shoulder he'd used to wake her.
"Um…once before, kinda. Fell when I was a kid. Nothing I really wanted to experience again. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I got hit with a baseball bat." She opened her eyes a crack and looked at him when she felt his presence near her face.
"Migraine. I've heard about those. Are you sick to your stomach? Your eyes are all bloodshot." She was pale and her eyes were glazed over. She didn't look good at all.
"A little. I don't think I'm going to be a lot of help. Damn. I can't think." She propped her head on her elbows and closed her eyes shut again.
"Come on. You're not going to work like this. You're going to go crash in the crib with the lights off. I'll get you something to take for it. Do you think you can make okay?" As soon as the words came out of his mouth, it happened. It was all in slow motion. He saw her head shoot up and she feverishly looked for something to be sick into. He quickly grabbed the trash can from under her desk in record time. Just as he put it in place, he saw her painfully lose everything she'd eaten the past day. He winced in sympathy, knowing it had to have made her headache worse. He rubbed her back and when she was done, scooted the basket back under her desk. He'd take care of it later when he got her Tylenol.
"Oh, God. Please kill me now. I don't even have the energy to use my Gun. Just put me out of my misery." Her voice cracked and she was in so much pain she didn't care how she sounded. She just wanted to crawl into a dark hole and die.
"I know it hurts, Liv." He pulled out her drawer where she kept her napkins and handed them to her so she could make herself somewhat presentable. Her eyes, on their own accord, had built up enough moisture to fall down her tanned face. When she was done, he tossed them under the desk where he thought the trash can was.
"Thanks. I think I need to lay down. If I can even get to sleep. This sucks." She hissed as a jolt of pain seared the right side of her head. She pressed the palm of her hand to the point of pain and stood up slowly as Elliot stood up to help her. She felt a light pressure on her elbow as he lead her to the crib. She stood aside so he could open the door.
"Go lay down and I'll get you something to take for it. First, I think you need to eat a little bit so it doesn't bother your stomach." He watched her move slowly to the cot and lay down before covering her eyes with her right forearm. She heard her sniffle and his heart went out to her.
She wasn't sure how long she laid there wishing for the pain to ebb before she felt the mattress sink. She opened her eyes and slid back a bit to sit up.
"It's your lucky day. Through certain connections, I have in my hand two miracle drugs. Nevermind where I got them, just know that you are going to owe me when you are feeling better." He grinned and handed her a can of pop along with two small tablets and a pack of leftover crackers. They may have been stale but it wasn't as if she needed a whole meal. He watched her down the pills and waited while she ate the crackers before taking the can of pop from her so she could settle back down onto the cot.
She mumbled her appreciation and sighed. If she had the energy she would have asked him if Cragen minded her taking some time out to rest. He must have read her mind.
"Since Fin's back, Captain said you're due for some shut-eye. Get some rest and take care of yourself. I'll check on you in an hour or so. If you need to get sick again, use the trash can by the bed." He scooted it closer to the cot so she could see it and saw her nod before squeezing her eyes shut once more. He made his way back to the door and quietly closed it before walking down the hall. He could hear Fin and Munch discussing the case.
"Piece of cake, huh?" John tossed up a balled up piece of trash at Elliot when he saw him coming. He watched Elliot make a glorious shot in the trashcan from ten feet away before tapping his pen on the notepad in front of him. They'd been going over the details of Olivia and Elliot's case. Cragen had informed them that Olivia was going to crash for a few hours and they'd decided that they could handle it without her if Elliot could. It was their problem child of a case that was causing the headaches, literally. If he needed any help, they could lend a hand. He handed Elliot his file back and waited for him to fill in the details and glanced at Fin, who was having an animated, yet hushed conversation on the phone.
"So I thought. Rape vic says she didn't know the guy. I don't buy it, though. Acted real funny when I questioned her. When I asked her if she'd heard the name before, she hesitated, like she was trying to get her thoughts in order. If I asked you if you knew someone and told you their name, wouldn't you just answer?" He scanned the notes in his folder in case he missed anything.
"Depends on the person. Some people I don't want to admit I know. May take a sec to see if they're on my good list for the day or not." John turned to Fin when he heard the phone being set down.
"Yeah well, my good list keeps getting' shorter and shorter by the day. I was on hold for twenty minutes tryin' to find out why my power was off this morning. Turned off my power instead of my neighbor's." Fin sat down heavily and huffed. His day was just getting better and better. He already felt bad for Olivia having to cover his cases while he was gone. He had virtually nothing when he had been given the go ahead for time off. He came to see Olivia crashed on her desk, nursing a migraine due to covering his load and Elliot's. He often wondered why they ever bothered taking days off. It always came back to bit them in the butt.
"I got a theory but just this once I'll spare you. Recap so we're on the same page. Take notes, Fin. Victim number one comes in with obvious defensive wounds. Says she's been raped. She reported it a week after it happened. Says she was scared. Also says she knows who it is. Open, shut, right? Wrong. Textbook, or supposedly. That was before she changed her story. Now she says she doesn't know who it is and that she doesn't even remember if it happened. Olivia and Elliot questioned her multiple times and she kept changing her story. Right now, we can't count on her being credible for anything. Oh, and it made the news. The so-called signature of the rapist is writing his initials on the victim's forehead so she won't forget him. Or so the elite's of the FBI say. Profiling my ass, government conspirators. Yeah, so two more victims came forward after hearing it on the news. They say the same thing happened and they don't know the perp either. We got a whole lot of everything right now. Trying to sort out all this crap is a nightmare. No wonder you two are having a time with this case. How's Liv, by the way?" He scribbled something on his notes and showed Fin, who nodded.
"I 'll check on her in a bit. She's exhausted, though. I got some stuff from the A/V guy. I ran into him in the break room and he had some stuff in his locker. He said his wife gets them and he carries them around in case she gets one. Hopefully they'll work. Cap said give Liv a few hours. I told him we're fine down here. You two cool?" Elliot nodded to the notepad in John's hand.
"Yeah. Gonna check on the ex girlfriend of the perp in the porno ring for now. The rest can wait. We're basically sitting on go, waiting for the lab before we can go ahead with the warrant. You should let her sleep. You're right, we're fine here." He put the cap on his pen and stood up.
"Good. I'll check the file room and see if we have anything around the time the two other vics said their rapes happened and see if maybe some others came forward around that time. Something to nail this bastard down, whoever he is." He got up and took his jacket off. As he walked around John's desk, he scanned his notepad. On the bottom, he'd written down to check on Olivia. Yeah, they had each other's backs. He hoped it would stay calm for a while. Then again, the rapists never took time off.
The first thing Olivia noticed was the darkness of the room. She rubbed her eyes and through blurry vision saw the frosted window had been covered. Small rays of light went out the sides where the fabric had been too narrow for the window. She sighed and collected her thoughts to get her bearings. The last thing she remembered was the pounding in her head and the inability to make it stop. At some point, it had dulled considerably. She almost felt normal. She brought her wrist up and squinted before dropped her arm to her side. She wondered what time it was but she didn't want to leave just yet. She was inclined to just stay there. Exhaustion had finally caught up with her and her body protested the lack of sleep and food and she was out for the count. Whatever Elliot had given her, though, had worked and her head no longer pounded. Her stomach grumbled as if proving a point that she'd neglected her health far too long.
It wasn't as if she wasn't used to the long hours. No two cases were the same. Some were easier than others were but being the kind of work it was no one ever seemed to get a break. So, when Fin had "a family thing", she jumped at the chance to help. She didn't know what it was like to have a family or a life outside work, so she was more than happy to take on Fin's case load to allow him the time to get away from the rigors of the job. He deserved it—they all did. Naturally, it came back to bite her in the butt. She always seemed to get herself in too deep and she would never ask for help. The guys had been busy enough to where they hadn't had the chance to offer. She was glad Fin could get away but she knew that with him being back he would take on more work and leave her less to do. She welcomed what she hoped was to be earlier nights. Her bed was calling her name. She thought a moment and decided it was better to get up than to fall asleep again. No rest for the weary.
She sat up and swung her feet over the edge, accidentally kicking the trash can Elliot had nudged beside the bed. She stood up and stretched. It felt good to get circulation moving through her body. Her tired limbs popped and she could feel the strain of her overworked muscles. She felt like a massage. If only she had the time. Deciding she was ready to face the world again, she opened the door and stepped out into the hall. As she closed the door, she let out a laugh. A note had been placed on the door. In bold, unmistakable letters, someone had written a warning to keep away from the crib. In parenthesis, the words 'or else' had been added in another color. She chuckled and shook her head before pulling the note off the door.
She ran a hand through her hair, smoothing out any errant strands that may be sticking up. She should have stopped by the bathroom. She probably looked like death warmed over. She shrugged it off. Everyone knew the SVU squad. They all had the look. Everyone had an appreciation for the work they did but they had families that, had they been in the SVU, they would have never seen. No one ever said it, but the real reason no one wanted the unit was the stories that put the permanent expressions on the faces of those who worked in it.
"Hey, girl." Fin walked up to Olivia and put a hand on her shoulder. When she turned around, he gave her a smile. He studied her face. She looked like she'd gotten some sleep, at least.
"Hey, you. How was the wedding?" She tapped his hand in an appreciative gesture, still holding the sign. She raised her eye brows and held it up.
"That was your partner's idea. We just thought of the last part. Figured it went without saying that there would be hell to pay, though. The wedding was good. Long, but good. Thanks for takin' my place, Liv." He walked with her to the squad room and sat down at his desk.
"Well, look who's up. Last time I saw you, you were dead to the world. Get any sleep?" John propped his feet on his desk and looked over his glasses.
"I got some, yes. Thanks for picking up my slack. I really appreciate it, John." She put the note on her desk and pulled out her chair before opting to make a pit stop. After her nap, she didn't think she'd better take any more breaks. She held up her index finger and left the room. She didn't see Elliot as she made her way to the ladies room.
Once inside, she splashed some water on her face and gazed up into the mirror. She guessed she looked a little better. She hadn't had much to drink. She washed her hands and shook them off before fixing her hair. As she stepped out, she saw the retreating form of her partner. She jogged up to catch up with him and saw him turn when he noticed another presence.
"The guys said you were back among the living. Feel any better?" He scrutinized her, giving her a once-over briefly as they walked to their desks.
"Much. Whatever that stuff was, I owe you. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Sorry you had to uh…clean up after me." She cringed at the thought of him having to do it. It wasn't as if she was one of his kids. It wasn't exactly in the job description of being a partner. She still appreciated it, though. They both had been there for each other over the years enough times to where it was natural. Still, though…
"It's cool. You do owe me, though. Are you feeling up to a field trip? Turns out one of our victims' so-called amnesia is lifting. She suddenly remembered what the guy looked like. Oh yeah, and she's at the hospital. Checked herself in last night complaining of abdominal pain. Turns out she's pregnant." He glanced at her as he said the last part.
"Wait. I thought she said she was blindfolded. Did she see him before he put it on? I mean, doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a blindfold? And if the rapist knew she'd seen him, why bother at all? Something doesn't add up." She slowed her pace as she thought of all the possibilities.
"Right now, something adding up would be a God-send. Nothing adds up. Maybe she was pregnant before. Maybe it never happened. I just know it's time to find some answers. Go on, I'll get you some coffee. Why don't you go get ready?" Seeing her nod, he turned in the direction of the break room. She hadn't said anything about the victim being pregnant. He wondered how many times she thought about it when she was on a case. Did she agonize over it in the comfort of her own home? He had visions of her walking through the door and falling into the couch with gut-wrenching sobs.
He hadn't seen her cry many times. When she did, though, he knew it was bad. He hated that the damn rapists in the world did this to her. He felt for the victims and their families. Olivia, though, she was a victim of so much in her life already. So many people had taken so much from her that he had no idea how she still went through the motions of living an everyday life. The cases were taking their toll. This one, even though early on, could be the one. She'd been working nonstop. Something felt different about her lately. The signs were there and he made a mental note to keep an eye on her. There were only so many times a person could face familiar cases before they cracked. He hoped this time she could handle it, because he didn't know what he could do to help her if she couldn't. He felt as if he was born to do it, though, to help her. He poured the coffee and grabbed a muffin. First, he'd make sure she ate. Anything after that, he wasn't sure.
"Which room?" She looked down each hallway with her hands on her hips.
"Three o-four. Should be on the…left?" He started down the hallway before he felt a tug on his sleeve." He turned around to see her shaking her head.
"Read the signs, Magellan. Three hundreds are on the right." She led the way to the maternity unit and knocked on the door before entering.
"Can I help you?" A nurse looked up from replacing an IV bag.
"Ma'am, I'm detective Benson. My partner and I are here to talk to your patient." Olivia flashed her badge and watched the nurse hesitate before nodding.
"Okay, but don't upset her. Stress is the reason she's here." She quickly finished her notes on the computer and left the room.
"Hi. My name is Lisa Parker. I spoke to Mr. Stabler on the phone. I realized after I hung up that I didn't give my name. I wanted to call before I chickened out." She played with the fringe on the hospital blanket but looked up occasionally.
"I understand. We'd like to ask you some questions regarding the night of your attack. We're not here to hurt you or your baby, so if you're even remotely stressed, we'll conduct this at another time." Olivia turned a chair toward the bed and took a seat while Elliot shut the door and stood against the wall.
"I don't really remember much. I'm sorry. I wish I did. I keep having these nightmares and I can't tell what's real and what isn't. I just see little pieces." She let out a shaky breath.
"How about if we start from the beginning? Where were you when it happened?" She took out a notepad and pen from her pocket.
"I was on the way to class. I took a short cut through an alley because I was running late. Mr. Wilkins doesn't let you come to class late, so I was hoping to save some time. I cut through between a couple of buildings. I think one was some kind of uniform place because I saw a bunch of different mats and shirts and stuff hanging from the back of the truck. The door was open. I've never gone that way before and I started to get lost so I went to turn around and that's when he came up behind me and covered my mouth. He dragged me behind a dumpster and took off my clothes. I was so scared. I don't remember a lot. I tried to block it out." She was surprisingly calm. She didn't want to hurt her baby.
"You're doing great. Do you remember if the truck had a logo on it or something to help us determine where you were? What is the nearest street you know for sure?" Olivia glanced over at Elliot, and he nodded, letting her take the lead again.
"Um..I don't, I'm sorry. The street was like McDonald or something." She let go of the blanket and stared Olivia in the eye for the first time.
"Don't be. You've given us a place to start. Can you tell us what he looked like?" Olivia leaned forward, giving the witness her full attention. She tried to stay focused, but her mind kept wandering back to that alley in her mind. She realized she'd lost track of time and snapped back to the present in time to hear the words that would cut her to her core.
"…can't believe I'm pregnant. With his baby!" She hugged herself as tears streamed down her face.
"Look, why don't we let you get some rest? Here's my card. Ask for my partner or myself. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call." Elliot stepped forward from his position near the wall and offered the card. He'd noticed Olivia grow pale and he wasn't sure who to help first. He had to end it, though, for both of their sakes. He ushered Olivia out of the room, leaving the frightened young woman behind. As he passed the nurse's desk, he jerked his head in the direction of the room, indicating that they were finished with the interview.
As he walked down with his silent partner, he asked himself once again just how many blows to her faltering psyche she could take. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and was surprised when she laid her head on his shoulder. They locked eyes. It was their silent agreement to let the topic go for the time being. He'd never heard the tapes of her mother's rape, but he didn't have to. Judging by Olivia's reaction, he would bet that the two incidents were similar. He pictured a young, Serena Benson in an alley somewhere, desperately trying to fight off her attacker, and deciding to keep the offspring of her rape. He could only imagine how hard it would be to live with the reminder of that rape. It wasn't her fault, though. At the moment, he couldn't say who he was referring to the most; Serena, Olivia, or the young woman sobbing in some hospital room. He said a silent prayer for another baby that would be brought into the world due to one unfortunate event in its mother's life. He'd said a lot of prayers, lately. He was starting to wonder if they would ever come true anymore.