Hi Guys, sorry it's been a while! This idea came to me after watching Jac getting all maternal over Freya in the last episode. I hope you like it.

Chapter one: Strumming on the heartstrings…

The front door was thrown open with such force that it collided with the wall and bounced back as Jac, still clad in her bike leathers and helmet marched angrily through it kicking it shut behind her. As she removed her helmet, the tear tracks ringing her eyes became instantly visible, even by her own standards Jac Naylor was an emotional mess. She knew she would have to let Freya go eventually and she supposed it couldn't have come to a happier ending for the child, so why was she so upset? She couldn't have looked after her any better than her mother could, but the truth was that little girl had got under her skin and was tugging on her heartstrings and it hurt.

Then there was the issue of Sean, she knew he was fonder of her than most, so as usual she had scorned, insulted and rejected him as much as she could in order to get rid of the persistent paediatrician. Nothing she did seemed to put him off, to the point where in a moment of weakness she agreed to accompany him to a bar later that evening, just to stop his constant asking. What was worse however, was how her own feelings towards the man had rapidly changed even since this afternoon. Alarmingly, she was warming to the infuriatingly cheery doctor. He had pulled out all the stops to make sure she got to say her own goodbye to Freya without attracting too much attention from her colleagues and she was more than grateful. He was breaking through her barriers in a way that only two other people had managed to do before, one of them being a little baby girl and the other being a certain former CT surgeon with cobalt blue eyes.

She hadn't heard from Joseph in months, until yesterday when a Christmas card with a Penrith postmark landed on her door mat and reawakening all those feelings she thought she had managed to suppress. Inside the envelope was a photo of a smiling Joseph wearing Jac's favourite blue 'sweep you off your feet' sweater and cuddling his beloved son who was wearing a huge grin and a Santa hat that flopped down over his eyes. She still loved him and she knew it. Sadly Jac picked up the photo from where she had left in on the table; briefly she turned it over looking for a message, a date, a sign- heck anything to show he hadn't forgotten her. And then there it was, an address written in Joseph's painstakingly neat copperplate script, there was her answer- she would write to him. If he didn't reply, she supposed, it was time to get on with her life and forget him. She checked her watch; she had two hours before she was due to meet Sean that was more than enough time to write a letter.

…

Dear Joseph

I'm sorry; I never meant to leave it so long to write to you. I've never been one for emotional gooey letters or anything emotional and gooey for that matter I guess. I suppose I didn't write to you because it was too painful, it always is- and when you're the Ice-Queen there's a certain reputation that needs to be maintained. Not that that's an excuse of course. I just feel like everything has changed in the past few months.

Ok, I'm just going to come out with it, if I don't say it in writing than I never will: I miss you Joseph, I'm a mess without you. Staying here alone was the worst decision I ever made. I thought it was bad as soon as you left, but now I realise what I have done. This is going to sound absurd coming from me Joe, but I think my heart may be melting.

It all started when I met Freya five weeks ago, she came to Darwin with heart complications and thanks to me she left with family complications. At first I couldn't stand her, she reminded me of Harry and the life I could have had with you. She made me think things I never wanted to consider. Then there was her mother, she was young and when the going got tough for baby Freya she got scared and ran. It was my fault, I was supposed to be comforting her and for once I was actually trying, but as usual I lost my patience. I turned my back and she had gone- they all blamed me for it and rightly so. I got so angry for that little girl, I kept thinking about Paula and what she did to me- sure I was young when Paula left me- but Freya wasn't even a year old. I felt so guilty, no child should have to go through the same anguish that I did. Still I insisted that I would treat her and because of me she nearly bled out, I doubt Eliot will ever let me forget that. It almost ended there and then with her heart literally in my hand.

The first night I stayed with her, I don't know who cried more. Me probably- this remarkable little girl had somehow got hold of my heartstrings and she was tugging on them, hard. It ended up with me sat holding her whilst sat on Sean's (you know the paediatrics consultant) lap with him dressed in a very poor Santa costume. She made me feel so many different emotions all at once; to think if I hadn't managed to lose you, the baby on my knee could've been my own- maybe even ours. I'm sorry I know that ship has sailed between us; I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by writing this to you. You're a full-time super dad now, like you have time to sit and write me a letter or even read this one I'm writing to you.

Then there's Sean, he's the only person who saw through my motives with Freya, he knew how much she got to me and he was one of the few people who didn't write me off as a cold hearted bitch. He's been hitting on me since the moment Freya appeared on Darwin, and part of me adores the attention but he's just not you. No-one will ever love you the way I do, not even Harry, Sean will make a good friend I'm sure but he's not you Joseph and he never will be. He would only be my second best, my alternative and I wouldn't do that for myself so why should I expect him to? I can't be that cruel anymore.

I guess what I'm saying Joseph, is that I either need to have you and Harry back in my life or I have to forget you completely. I've always been an all or nothing kind of girl and I guess this is it; I can't keep waiting for you to contact me, I need to get on with my life with or without you. I'm not asking you to drop everything and come running back to me, I just need to know what's going on between us because right now my life is going nowhere and meeting Freya and Sean has made me see the rut I've got myself stuck in and I don't know what to do.

I love you Joseph and I know I will never deserve you. I hate to be this weak but I need you to contact me in some way, I guess I just need to hear from you. You know my address.

Yours always,

Jac.

An hour and what seemed like a million pieces of tear stained and smudged paper later, Jac threw down her expensive pen. What was the point? She had just poured her heart out onto a piece of paper, why on earth would Joseph care about that? He had Harry to concentrate on now; he couldn't solve her problems anymore. She screwed up the letter and went to change.

Watch this space, chapter two will be here shortly!

Feel free to read and review if you liked it

Kat x