Fate's a Funny Thing
"Harley? Where did you get that black eye?" asked Poison Ivy, looking up from the TV as Harley Quinn entered the Rec Room of Arkham Asylum.
"Oh…that. That's from…uh…Mr. J," stammered Harley, covering her eye hastily. "He…accidentally hit me, y'know…was aiming for my rear to give me a playful spanking, but…missed."
"The clown's aim isn't that bad," growled Ivy, feeling fury in the pit of her stomach.
"Oh…yeah, it is, Red," said Harley, slowly. "He was having an off day…forgot his glasses…"
"Joker doesn't wear glasses," retorted Ivy.
"Oh…yeah…that's right. So how's the game, boys?" asked Harley, rushing over to where Jervis Tetch and Jonathan Crane were playing chess.
"Fine, Harley. I shall achieve victory in a matter of moves," said Tetch smugly, surveying the board with a pleased expression, the exact opposite of the annoyed one on Crane's face.
Harley studied the board for a second and then pointed. "If you move your bishop, Johnny, you can get him in check. And then if you move the other bishop here, you can probably work it into a Boden's Mate. I read about that in a book the other day."
Crane stared at her in adoration. "Marry me," he gasped.
"What?" said Harley, puzzled.
"Um…I said, marry me, which is…an archaic exclamation of surprise and admiration, of course," stammered Crane. "Like verily and forsooth and words like that."
"Oh, right," said Harley, smiling. "You learn something new every day," she sighed, heading over to join Ivy on the sofa.
Tetch looked at Crane in disapproval. "Oh, don't you start," snapped Crane, moving his bishop. "You kidnapped the woman you were in love with, for goodness sake. You have no right to criticize me for accidentally voicing my feelings. At least I won't end up in Arkham for it."
"No, too late for that," retorted Tetch dryly, returning his attention to the game.
"Whatcha watching, Red?" asked Harley, nodding at the TV.
"It's a soap I like, Harley," she replied. "The main guy in it is quite the stud."
Harley studied the man tenderly confessing his love to the woman on screen, and made a face. "I guess he's all right," she said. "But his character's such a drip."
"He's being sweet and romantic, Harley," snapped Ivy. "I get that maybe you can't recognize that after years of abuse by the clown, but most women find that attractive."
"Well, most women are wrong," snapped Harley, folding her arms across her chest.
Ivy looked at her. "Harley, J was your first guy, wasn't he?" she asked, quietly.
"Yeah," retorted Harley, nodding. "I ain't never had anyone else but Mr. J. Ain't never wanted anyone else neither."
"And nobody else ever…wanted you?" asked Ivy, gently. "No boys in school or college?"
Harley thought. "I had a best friend growing up called Ricky," she said. "Once we got to high school, he…said he was kinda in love with me. But it wouldn't have felt right, y'know. He was my best friend, and not my type romantically."
"You mean he wasn't an abusive, selfish, disgusting psychopath?" asked Ivy.
"I mean he wasn't my type," repeated Harley. "Nice guy, but nice guys don't get my engine revving in the bedroom. I need someone forceful and strong and dominant and…"
"Harley, you useless waste of space!" shouted the Joker, entering the room. "I've been calling you for ten minutes! You need to get your worthless ass in to Dr. Leland's office before I kick it there myself, get me?!"
"Yes, puddin'," breathed Harley, eyes shining as she stood up and came over to kiss him. He shoved her away and slapped her hard.
"Now!" he shouted.
Harley rushed from the room, gazing back at him adoringly. "What are you staring at, Weed Lady?" snapped Joker, grabbing the remote from her as he sat down in front of the TV. "I ain't watching this crap – there's gotta be some cartoons on or something."
He flipped the channels casually as Ivy glared at him in fury, wondering if it was worth starting a fight and being dragged away by the guards. But she had a better idea for getting revenge on the Joker. She stood up slowly. "Jervis?" she said, coming over to the chess table. "May I have a word with you in private?"
"No," muttered Tetch, head in his hands as he watched Crane checkmate his king.
"I'd do it, Tetchy, she's probably the only piece of action you're ever gonna get!" chuckled Joker. "Beggars can't be choosers, can they?"
"I don't wanna sleep with him, you disgusting freak!" snapped Ivy. "I just wanna talk. Jervis?" she repeated, looking at him.
He sighed, standing up. "Very well. And it doesn't count as a victory, Jonathan – you had help. That's cheating."
"All's fair in love and chess," retorted Crane, smiling.
Tetch and Ivy left the room, heading for Tetch's cell. "Now how may I help you, Pamela?" asked Tetch, sitting down on his bed.
"Y'know a couple months ago you were testing out this alternate reality simulator?" asked Ivy. "Did you make it work in the end?"
Tetch stared at her. "Yes, I…had three very successful tests. But each one ended in the Joker breaking my simulators and beating me rather badly. I have no wish to repeat the experience. Why? Did you have a particular alternate reality in mind?"
"Kinda," said Ivy. "I'm just…sick of seeing Harley abused by J. He has to learn to appreciate what he's got. And the only way he's gonna do that is if he loses Harley. But Harley isn't ever gonna leave him permanently, at least, not in this reality. So I was kinda wondering if it would be possible to create a reality where the Joker…didn't have her. Because he didn't break her mind because she was already with someone else by the time he showed up. Harley mentioned this guy called Ricky was sweet on her in high school…"
"This is a great deal of hypothetical speculation and reality manipulation," interrupted Tetch. "You think it's easy to rearrange the fabric of the universe, do you? You think it can be done with just the touch of a button?"
"Well…I kinda thought that's what the machine did," said Ivy, slowly.
"Yes. But it's an incredibly complex process which requires the touch of several buttons," retorted Tetch, folding his arms across his chest. "Anyway, I am not at all pleased with Harley at the moment, after her little stunt of helping Jonathan beat me at chess. I have precious few victories in life, and depriving me of any of those is terribly cruel…"
"Do you want money, is that it?" interrupted Ivy.
"My dear lady, what I want is to vent," retorted Tetch. "And it is most rude to interrupt a man when he's ranting."
"Well, I kinda want an answer," retorted Ivy. "Yes or no to my reality simulator?"
"When the Joker returns from the alternate reality, he will be most displeased with me," retorted Tetch. "Do I have assurances that you will bear the brunt of his wrath?"
"Oh God, yes," retorted Ivy. "I can handle J, don't worry."
Tetch thought. "The pros and cons of this situation are numerous," he murmured. "I shall have to carefully consider each one…"
"Oh, for God's sake," sighed Ivy, reaching into her bosom and pulling out her lipstick, spreading it over her lips. "See, this is why I can't stand brainy guys sometimes. All talk, no action."
"What are you…" began Tetch, but Ivy had seized his face in her hands and kissed him passionately before he could protest.
"Jervis, just build the alternate reality simulator for me, ok?" she whispered when she drew away.
Tetch nodded, unable to refuse her mind-control lipstick. "I'll get started on it right away," he muttered.
"Good boy," sighed Ivy, replacing her lipstick and leaving his cell. "Now maybe I can kiss Crane into getting me some food. I'm starving."