Yuzuriha: I would like to state that this is my first collaboration project that has been completed and turned out so well; if not for the MD, then I wouldn't have been able to work up the motivation to write everyday, lazy as I am on my own! ^_^ The /MD/ ish GOD. XD Wooooo! And oh yes, shotacon forever~ :D
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"to cease dreaming"
cowritten by MD and Yuzuriha (02/10/03)
fanfic written solely for entertainment; X copyrighted property of CLAMP.
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It was a crisp winter night and the world outside was beautifully clean and cloudless -- a limpid, bottomless pool of crystal water, kissed with stardust. Heat rose into the frigid air in gentle plumes of steam, little wisps of clouds between lovers like the dance of pink against a pale cheek, warning of cold. Inside the house, however, where two boys lay locked together in a nest of sheets and limbs, the air was warm and welcoming.
The older of the two drew on his companion lazily, feeling himself drift back from the enticing embrace of slumber as a dream, already half forgotten, faded from his mind. He wondered for a moment where he was and why he was awake... so odd, it wasn't time to be awake...Then he realized that his friend was shaking inside the circle of his arms.
Kamui was crying.
Tiny hands balled up into fists against those vast and normally uninhibited eyes, the small one trembled as if he were trying not to let any of those corpulent tears get past, keeping it all in so as to not wake his older friend. He made no sound, only quaking terribly even in that warm touch, rocking gently from side to side.
A small whimper escaped like a captured bird from a life-long cage, weak and unable to fly. Kamui curled tighter.
Fuuma curled his arm around the other's back, pulling him up against his chest -- knowing that warm contact had always been a good way of comforting his friend, even when he wasn't quite sure what was the matter, like now. "Kamui," he spoke quietly, his voice whispery and unsteady with sleep, "Kamui what's wrong?"
The fragile body froze, though after seconds of being inside the warmth that Fuuma provided, relented-- still shaking. The little fists settled to his chest, and frightened violet eyes, large and wet from tears revealed. Kamui jerked involuntarily, attempting to say sorry for waking him up, but not quite making it. So instead he wrapped his thin arms around his friend, clinging like a desperate willow tree in a hurricane to stay intact.
"Nigh..nightmare.. Fuuma.."
A heavy sigh escaped the older of the two and he pressed his cheek against that soft, tousled head. His hand stroked the other boy's back in small, rhythmic movements -- slow, concentrated circles of warmth.
"Shhh," he soothed, willing Kamui to focus on him and the careful motions of his hand on him. Slow... steady... breathe... "Everything is gonna be okay, I promise... shhh..."
They spent a minute or two like that, with Fuuma whispering gentle nothings in Kamui's ear -- murmurs soft and sweet and full of safety... silently urging the younger to keep their breaths in time as they pressed together under the cover of blankets and night.
Wrapped in that gently softening enclosure, Kamui slowly ceased trembling, falling into the lovely and insensible place of undertones and unthinking sight. Everything about Fuuma was warm and inviting.. everything around him, ripe and full like summer. The younger breathed deeply in the familiar scent and while his voice shook, he relaxed. Fuuma.. always kept promises..
Kamui made a soft, almost questioning sound towards the older boy, who looked down at him with kind amber eyes and a reassuring smile.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" that low voice asked, sounding like the whisper of rice paper held in too rough fingers. Another arm wound itself up around Kamui's back, touching a knowing hand against the back of the younger boy's neck, further steadying.
The younger pressed his forehead into the soft confines of the older boy's shirt, hidden. "I hurt everybody.. in my dream.." Kamui whispered, crumbling violets falling in precursory shame. "Everyone was suffering because of me.."
...Never.
Fuuma brushed his lips carefully over the center of that damp forehead, mimicking a long established ritual of nighttime comfort his auntie Tohru used to soothe her son's fears. Kamui was always best comforted by warm, affectionate touches; and although he didn't really mind, he never understood why the other was like that. His mother once told him that that was what happened when people were lonely. But Kamui wasn't lonely; Kamui had Fuuma with him and they'd always be together. They were best friends, after all.
Neither of them should ever be alone.
"No..." he murmured, speaking into those messy bangs, "you wouldn't ever do anything like that, Kamui... I know you. You wouldn't."
The body in his arms was some beautiful soft thing, wanting him to curl around it and close his eyes forever -- forgetting that there was a world of scrapes, homework, and bitter vegetables and simply float in an enclosure of drifting leaves, crayon monsters, and rainy days with warm puddles of mud... without parents to rant and scream when they came home panting and delirious on the ecstasy of life and love. Dripping liquid dirt across the porch and giggling at the way they looked splattered with earth and groaning like demons with mock ferocity.
'Rowr! I am the evil spirit of the school yard tree and I'm comin' ta eat
ya and keep your soul here at school forever, Shirou Kamui! Bwahahahaha!'
'Waaah! Not school forever!! You'll have to catch me first!'
'Hee! Just you watch me! I'll catch you and make you mine for forever and
ever and ever!'
'Ha! You're on!'
He had caught Kamui that day, now that he thought about it. But instead of fighting back after getting wrestled to the ground, the younger boy had simply laughed, admitted defeat, and hugged him -- embracing that 'forever and ever and ever' -- right down in the squishy stretch of mud they'd fallen into. Their parents had thrown the biggest fit you'd ever seen when they'd finally come home, looking like a hundred different trenches, but that smile never truly left Kamui's face.
Someone that gentle could never hurt anyone.
"I promise... as long as I'm here... you'll never have to hurt anyone. I'll make sure of it," Fuuma vowed quietly, to Kamui as much as himself, "I'll do everything I can... it's just a bad dream... I'll protect you... always."
Kamui warmed considerably inside and out with the spare touches, feeling indeed like this would last 'forever and ever and ever'. More than anyone, Fuuma made him happy -- when they were playing, building blanket and chair blockades, Fuuma pushing him on the tire swing and he remembered spinning, dizzy with delighted excitement and then lying still. Spreading out on the short grasses next to his best friend, closing his eyes and feeling light. Fuuma would watch over him then, making sure he didn't fall before he lay down and made the world stop spinning, intoxicated with the illusion of flight.
For once, the both of them were clean, having taken a bath earlier that night -- and Kamui wanted it to be Springtime again, so they could get up late and run outside into the shrine garden and play, and he could forget the sad looks on everyone's faces as he completed unforgivable acts against their trust.
Small hands bunched up into the older boy's shirt, running over the words his best friend had said.
"I promise... as long as I'm here... you'll never have to hurt anyone."
Something looming and awful crept into Kamui's child mind. "What.. about you..?"
What do I do if I hurt you, Fuuma?
The older boy pressed a small kiss above Kamui's brow, as though to make the impression of warm lips last longer, then he tilted his face so that he could see his friend's eyes. Draped in shadows and graced with an expression far too pensive for his years, Fuuma appeared almost surreal -- a melancholy oil painting submerged in water. Skewed by reflections of light.
"I promised to protect you... and that means that sometimes, I may get hurt," he admitted solemnly, "But we're friends. And I... I couldn't just stand by if there was something I could do. Even if it means... taking a hit for you."
...or from you.
His eyes fell shut for a second, swallowing that piece of knowledge down inside of himself and away from his sensitive companion. It would upset Kamui terribly if he ever heard such a thing, but it was true. If... if somehow, someway... one day Kamui was capable of hurting someone... he'd rather it that it be him. He wasn't sure why, other than that if it were him, it would be different. Just because it would be something that stayed between them.
It didn't make very much sense to him, but his heart understood the implications well enough. And he trusted his heart with everything. His heart was far wiser than he could ever be; as a child, he knew that as well as anyone had the right to.
"You'd probably do the same for me even without a promise," he reasoned, sensing that Kamui would object to such a strong declaration, "It's enough for me to know that it's because we're best friends and that doing stuff for your loved ones is always worth it. Always, no matter what."
Because the ones we love are special and will stay with us always.
His heart told him so.
Kamui's heart was beating faster with every word, feeling something hurtful but earnest cling to him as Fuuma said these things, as if he said one word more the world would collapse in on them. He felt himself feeling guiltily delighted, but at the same time just scared.. scared of the thought of Fuuma hurt, of it being because of him that Fuuma would cry. Kamui's thoughts didn't go further than that because he had never been exposed to real hurt before--- it was foreign to him, looming indistinct and monstrous, and he did not think on it for fear he wouldn't be able to stop.
He nodded, shivering for a moment even in the comfortable heat of their blanketed shelter, shifting upwards so that he and his friend were eye-level and very close. He wanted to do nice things for Fuuma.. wanted to make him feel happy always, no matter what, like the older boy had said and done for him.. because they were best friends and Fuuma was, after all, his most important person.
Being seven years old, Kamui hadn't had much time to put a censor on any of his emotions, and most of the time right out said whatever he thought --- sometimes this was inappropriate, like at fancy restaurants or during some shrine services when the Guji's stomach was showing. Even with this child's honesty, he still smiled shyly as he replied to this adamant statement of devotion on Fuuma's part.
"I wanna protect you, too, because you're my best friend and I love you a lot." said the younger, forthright and open always.
Love.
Fuuma took a moment to ponder that, trying to find a point of reference which he could test his own feelings against. Love was a fairly ambiguous and bizarre thing to be contemplating at his young age -- especially when there seemed to be so many conflicting ideas about what it really meant. The popular definition of love made him blush slightly, uneasy with something he didn't really understand. He was just fine being friends with Kamui and not marrying him anyway... that would be weird. But there was another one, one that seemed to be more like what the younger boy was talking about, and his parents explained it to him as love being an unconditional affection and that those that you truly loved, you would always care for, no matter whatever happened on down the road. That seemed like a better idea to him.
He could love Kamui like that.
He smiled back, liking the idea very much.
"Silly," he murmured, "of course you can."
...because I love you too.
Kamui yawned hugely, apparently content even if the older boy didn't bother to say the words back. Laying those soft chocolate tresses in the bend of Fuuma's shoulder, deep in the cocoon of their embrace, the younger boy snuggled happily into his friend. They had a new wonderful promise to keep to each other, one that bound them together in more ways than ever before.
Though he was contented for the most part, though, he couldn't get to sleep in the dark. This worried him; he didn't want to spend his Sunday sleeping, when he could be playing with Fuuma. Kamui frowned up at his friend, wondering if he'd dozed off yet or was still there with him.
"..Fuuma..?"
At the muffled affirmative, the younger pouted openly. "I can't go sleep."
Hm? Um...
Fuuma yawned a little, silently taking inventory of himself and his friend and wondering what in the ritual they hadn't covered yet. He really was too tired to help Kamui run off any excess energy by playing right now, so he hoped it wasn't that. He gave a half-hearted groan, "You aren't gonna ask me ta go cave explorin', I hope?"
A small giggle, "No, I don't wanna do that.."
Pause. "You are tired though, arentcha?"
Kamui nodded. He'd thought Fuuma would get it, though, because he knew more than anyone that Kamui needed someone to give him a goodnight kiss before he went back to sleep after a nightmare. He'd told him so after one time, when Kamui's mother had had to come in and perform this ceremony while they were both staying over, and a nightmare had occurred.
It took a little bit, sleep-fogged as the other boy was, but he did eventually regain himself enough to remember the final step in their routine. It was the one odd point in that it made Fuuma feel sort of like he was trying to be a substitute for his auntie Tohru. After all, he couldn't really be Kamui's mother, no matter how much the younger boy was inclined to believe so when they did this. Sometimes, it made him think he should sleep over at Kamui's house more often so he wouldn't only have to pretend.
Then again... it wasn't so bad, was it? Kamui could definitely have worse needs to help him through the night than a hug and a peck on the lips.
Sighing, he pressed a small kiss at the corner of his friend's mouth, wondering a little bit about the differences in kissing your mother and kissing your best friend. Somehow, it never seemed to feel quite the same way to him... and it was just a little strange to think that Kamui couldn't feel that difference too. At least, he treated it as if it were completely natural – had the same sort of acquiescent softness that one would have for a parent. It was the sense of yielding that he was all too familiar with in himself when adults dropped warm affection on his lips... just enough to receive what they chose to bestow on you.
When he kissed Kamui, however, it felt worlds different; granted, it might've been because he was slipping into the role of a grownup and having to feel that softness instead of giving it – having to be the one to feel it out and to have that pressure… it was so much more lingering for him and his own lips tingled when he would pull back, feeling like he hadn't quite done enough but knowing full well that it had been a little bit more than he would have been comfortable with taking from his mother. Still, it was always strange. Warm and drowsy, but always odd.
His mind always inevitably drifted back to some secluded Spring afternoon when he had slipped away from Kamui and Kotori, frolicking in the sun, and he'd happened across both of their mothers, engaged in what appeared to be a serious conversation. Auntie Tohru looked upset over something and his mom was reassuring her, wiping away the beginnings of tears in the corners of her eyes the way he did for Kamui on those occasions where he would stumble and fall a little too hard and try not to cry as Kotori cleaned away the blood with her skirt. Saya had kissed her best friend that day – a small, knowing, butterfly touch of lips – and it hadn't seemed like the kisses of mothers and her own.
It was brief and not much more than a breath shared between two people, but it seemed to stretch on even afterward. Gazes held and the gentle touch of a hand upon an arm maintained where their mouths had parted and it was like the warmth of that intimacy hadn't quite dissipated. It lingered... Hardly obligatory, but holding a world within itself.
It was never that way with parents, not that he knew of. But heck, maybe that was how kisses always were between best friends. Maybe that's what that sustained shiver was when he and Kamui were curled up together and sharing that peculiar bond – that wonderment at watching Kamui's eyes slowly drift shut under the coaxing warmth of his mouth. He wondered if Kamui would ever be able to recognize it in himself.
He wondered a lot of things, really.
Like how the tension in the younger boy's shoulders refused to be satisfied by peace of mind alone... and how the dance of lips barely touching was never enough to ease the tightness there.
He slanted his mouth down slightly, pressing his lips fully, if tentatively, against the other's.
After a little while, Kamui noticed his best friend's mouth was covering his completely instead of just grazing there for a moment, unlike his mother always did. Fuuma's kisses were always different, always just a little strange and made his stomach flutter slightly. Before comforting sensation and tranquility took their toll on him at this reassuring touch, there was an extra moment in between that seemed unusual, though the contact was fickle in that it only continued for a short time.
It always lasted for a very long time afterwards, though, in the unique taste of soft lips that were his friend's and unfeminine, but gentle and cherished nonetheless. Tender and solacing, Kamui had always needed a kiss to fall asleep since he could remember - it had been natural to him just as much as touching in and of itself was; his friend was normally not this way at all. And though he might have felt ashamed at one time for somewhat making Fuuma act in such a way around him, the older boy didn't seem to mind so much, and Kamui appreciated the individuality.
It was special, to get a spare touch from Fuuma. He couldn't think of anybody who got them more than himself, even though Kamui was sure that if someone asked the older boy would oblige them. He was like that, always kind, no matter what. Even when Kotori yelled and screamed at him, he would stand there until she'd lost her breath and calmed down, and when she ran to hug him Fuuma would always hug back, as if she hadn't ever said anything bad at all.
It was longer this time, his head in the clouds already and distant.. still strange, but Kamui felt himself sink into the kiss sleepily, clear violet eyes opening to heavy slits almost involuntarily.
Maybe best friends aren't supposed to kiss like this, he thought, but the idea slipped away from his mind like a white feather in snow.
Indeed, this kiss was a just little longer than what was usual between them and perhaps even bordering on inappropriate in Fuuma's mind; he'd never been adept with controlling a kiss -- few that he'd given. He was never certain what made for a satisfactory one, so he tended to draw them out a bit, trying to get a feel for them. But for this one, he almost didn't even notice... with his own eyes falling closed, it was so easy to forget...
His attention was mostly centered on his fingers, splayed slightly against Kamui's back and judging the muscle tension, willing them all to relax. Their mouths were slack against one another, parted slightly and breathing in the spaces between. Such lazy contact, brought upon by such natural and unassuming intentions, that it was so readily overlooked and Fuuma nearly gave a start when he realized that they were still pressed together like so.
His lips were restless as he pressed forward again, giving the concluding pressure that his instincts told him was required. They trembled faintly with the need for movement -- muscles held still and straining -- and he gave into that too, awkwardly. His lips tightened around Kamui's briefly -- something he'd never done before -- and held him with the softest of suction. His cheeks warmed a little at this, but it seemed a bit more natural than most of their other kisses and he let himself enjoy, for a moment, a more fulfilling mode of contact.
Violet eyes opened even more at the increased contact, more in surprised wonder than anything else. What was the other boy doing? Whatever it was, Kamui surely didn't mind. It was warm and fuller than other kisses -- see, he'd known Fuuma kissed different! The younger smiled into their awkward kiss briefly, the small ripple in texture allowing their lips to delve deeper when the other's came down as Kamui's mouth relaxed again, producing a soft.. click noise.
They were looking at each other, aware that something amazing was happening to them both; and not knowing what it was. Cheeks flushed slightly, Kamui's vast gaze seemed to pose a question: what now, do you know?
There was an uncomfortable heat rising in his face at the bold honesty in that unfettered expression.
I... I really don't know...
He broke away as gently as possible, tucking Kamui's head back under his chin carefully -- unsure of how to deal with such a development. Unsure if he wanted to -- knowing that all he'd really felt like doing was pressing back and letting the feel of it spark back over him... to let it continue and run its course. It felt like there should be more. But how?
He blushed a bit to think about it, but he distinctly recalled that for a moment, his tongue was pressing against the back of his teeth, wanting out. ...was that normal?
Disturbed by the direction of his own thoughts, he shut his eyes and blocked them out. Hopefully, tomorrow, neither of them would even remember this.
"Go to back sleep now, Kamui."
The small tousled head inclined into his best friend's chest, and an innocent confusion brushing the child's features. Was that bad? It didn't feel so bad..
It was almost as if the whole ordeal had just been cut off at the almost-right moment, or at a place where that moment should have been long past. He'd seen something lurking beyond the corners of his boundless imagination, creaking with release, keening from just below the door wanting to be envisioned in reality – unknown and slightly scary. To Kamui, what had at once been hazy and unfamiliar had just set his curiosity rampant.. only to be dampened again by that uneasy, soft tone.
"..'kay."
And with that, Kamui didn't say anymore, and the two boys fell into slumber as if the interruption had never been.
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'to cease dreaming' is apart of an rpg-turned-fanfiction called Asphyxia. To read and find out what has actually been going on, please read Asphyx for details. All shall be revealed. :)