AN: A humorous look at what would have been said if Ramirez could actually talk. Obviously, there are plot spoilers T_T
EDIT as of 25/07/2011 – Stoneface notified me about the content on this fanfiction, and I agree with what he said. I have to say it was quite sad to see how liberally I used the offensive terms like colloquial language, and I do apologize for that. Thank you to Stoneface for pointing this out. I encourage everyone to do this, because there's nothing worse than me sitting here thinking I wrote an awesome story but in reality people hate it because of the language. So yeah, I edited those parts out.
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Scene One: BMT
Foley: RAMIREZ! USE YOUR SMOKE GRENADES ON THAT BMT!
Ramirez: Cool, I can finally use grenades! Wee! [Tosses one down the hill] ^o^ Fire in the hole!
A message shows up: "Grenades cannot damage this vehicle".
Ramirez: Sir, if fragmentation grenades don't work, why are we using smoke grenades?
Foley: RAMIREZ! USE YOUR SMOKE GRENADES ON THAT BMT!
Ramirez: [Sigh] Alright, because you're the ranking officer. [Spams smoke grenades onto the BMT].
Foley: Ramirez, come to the alley!
Ramirez: Sir, do I really have to? I hate alleys. I mean, there are always rats… dirty stuff… not to mention there may be homeless people here, digging up what they need for survival… and then the Russians came… DAMN YOU RUSSIANS! ALL THEY WANTED TO HAVE WAS A LIVING, YET YOU DENIED THEM!
[Ramirez runs into the alleyway and spots LOTS OF RUSSIANS]
Ramirez: REVENGE FOR THE FALLEN!
[Fires lots and lots of bullets from his SCAR]
Another Ranger who, unluckily, is not important to be named: Ramirez, there's one behind that car!
Ramirez: Don't worry, I'll kill that… YOU LIED! THERE'S TWO BEHIND THE CAR, YOU DUMBASS!
That Ranger: Hey, I didn't join the Rangers to count stuff, dude.
Ramirez: Well, one of those days when you're counting the bullets left in your magazine in the bottom-right corner of the screen and you run out and you're facing one hundred Russians and you don't know you're out of bullets because you can't count, you come back and tell me.
That Ranger: Umm…
Foley: Ramirez, stop talking and get to the roof and check out the supply drop!
Ramirez: I KNEW THERE WAS A CONSPIRACY HERE? WHY CAN'T FOLEY TELL YOU GUYS TO DO STUFF?
That Ranger: Bro, I don't have smoke grenades.
Ramirez: Fair enough.
Foley: RAMIREZ, RETRIVE THE PREDATOR MISSILE FROM THIS PISS FAR OBJECTIVE WITH LIKE NOTHING BUT YOUR GUN AGAINST 40 RUSSIANS! Oh, and there's like a BMT. Take it down with your bare hands.
Ramirez: Sir, can I say "screw you"?
That Ranger: You forgot the sir.
Ramirez: Thanks. Sir, can I say "screw you, sir?"
###
Scene two: On the rooftop
Foley: Ramirez, use everything on that rooftop to hold out against three hundred Russians!
Ramirez: What. You serious? Does it look like I'm in Task Force 141? Does it look like I can use every weapon perfectly? I trained to be a Ranger, not a sniper…
Foley: Ramirez, use the thermal scope to see through the smoke and take out enemies!
Ramirez: [Sighs] Alright, here goes, SIR.
[Ramirez shoots through the smoke and takes down enemies]
A random Russian: (In Russian) I swear one of those Americans is hacking.
Another random Russian: (In Russian) Probably. What can you do? We're just luckless, no named NPC that the Americans get to kill.
The first random Russian: (In Russian) let's not forget that THEY killed civilians in the airport.
The second random Russian: (In Russian) I bet you that was a conspiracy. Let me guess, you've got a bad guy's gang who is infiltrated by an American, but the leader knows and kills all the civilians in an airport, AND THEN goes away and kills the American and leaves his body so the Russian authorities have an excuse to invade America, and we're sent in thinking we're doing the right thing.
Yeah, we should stop fighting with these Americans and figure out the truth. They didn't do that many evil things anyway. [Bursts out laughing with the first Russian] That sounds like a lame plot that a third-rate writer would create. I mean, who would believe that? XD
Anyway, back to Ramirez…
Ramirez: Woah, the sky looks so pretty… 0 o 0
Foley: RAMIREZ, GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROOF!
Ramirez: [Pouting] Why? D:
A Russian Helicopter passes by, strafing him with weapons
Ramirez: WHAT THE HELL! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Take this, you mechanical piece of crap! Nothing can stand up to the Ramirez! [Picks up a Javelin and uses it]
HAHAHAHA, I CAN STILL STAY ON THE ROOF! : D
(Thirty more Russian Helicopters appear)
Ramirez: Seriously -.-? I'm outta here. [Jumps off the roof]
###
Scene Three: Moving through the suburbs
Foley: RAMIREZ! USE YOUR LASER DESIGNATOR TO PAINT TARGETS FOR OUR VEHICLES!
Ramirez: Screw you, sir. Seriously, why me? Why do I have to do everything? "Ramirez, there's one behind that car. Ramirez, cover me. Ramirez, use one bullet to take out the entire Russian army. Ramirez, use this tactical nuke to destroy everything the enemy has. Ramirez, suck my dick." It seriously is getting SCREWED UP. : (
Foley: RAMIREZ, GET OUT OF THE WAY OF HONEY BADGER! YOU'RE GOING TO GET RUN OVER!
Ramirez: No, I want a ride. I'm tired of walking and using laser designators and pistols to take down an entire Russian army. What for anyway? I say we stay like this under the Russians. We could learn to co-exist and take down the true enemies: the sheep from New Zealand. ^o^
Foley: RAMIREZ, STOP BITCHING ABOUT YOUR JOB AND DO IT ALREADY!
Ramirez: Hey, no fair! You can't deviate from the game script! :
###
Scene Four: In a Helicopter, destroying SAM sites
Foley: Alright, if we're going down, we're going to take them with us!
Ramirez: Sir, are you CRAZY? T_T All I've got is like a pathetic chaingun. They have missiles! THREE HUNDRED THOUSANDS MISSILES JUST TARGETING US!
(Helicopter flies over SAM sites)
Ramirez: [Sigh] Guess I'll take as many as I can before the helicopter cra-
(Helicopter crashes)
(After a delightfully disorientating scene)
Ramirez: [stirs] Oww… I feel so sore, like I had sex… WAIT, DID I HAVE SEX? AM I NO LONGER A VIRGIN? [Looks at hands] No, damn it. I remember now. My helicopter crashed. :
Another Ranger (not That Ranger): Here! Take this, and stay down! [Gets shot in the head]
Ramirez: BASTARDS! [Starts spraying with the M4] YOU KILLED ONE OF MY BUDDIES THAT WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO ONLY HAVE "RANGER" AS HIS SUBTITLED NAME!
Foley: Ramirez! Last magazine! Make it count!
Ramirez: No, screw you sir! I'm going to use it un-Ranger style! [Stands up, doesn't bother aiming down the sight and fires the gun] Yeah, you Russians! Who's the master now? Huh? Who's the master? : D
(Gun clicks empty) Oh for fu-
(Corporal Dunn gets shot somewhere)
Foley: CORPORAL!
Ramirez: I KNEW IT! YOU LOVE DUNN MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME! THAT'S IT SIR! OUR RELATION IS DONE! :' (
(A helicopter light blinds him, and something happens and a lot of weird things happen)
Another Ranger (not That Ranger): [Removes planks] Alright, let's go!
Ramirez: Holy shit, planes are falling from the sky! Newton was wrong about gravity! -o-
Dunn: EMP! FOLLOW ME, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
(They all run to shelter before they become Ranger Sandwiches. Heh, they were almost Ranger Sandwiches anyway o_o () )
Dunn: Man, everything is getting screwed up. Washington is full of Russians, planes are falling from the sky, and so much more crap is going on…
Foley: Shut up Corporal! One more word from you and I'm going to make Ramirez the Corporal! Our weapons still work, so we can still kick ass!
Ramirez: Corporal Ramirez… [dreamy look in his eyes]
Foley: Alright, Rangers, let's move out.
Ramirez: Corporal Ramirez… [still has a dreamy look in his eyes]
(Later on, outside)
Another Ranger: Hey Corporal, my red dot sight is out.
Dunn: So is mine. This is weird, man.
Ramirez: [Facepalm] I swear Corporal, you must be the dumbest person I have ever met, or that injury made you slightly smarter before our medic patches you up. Seriously, it's the EMP. You said so yourself, smartass.
###
Scene Five: Popping Flares
Foley: Listen up men! We've got two minutes to get to the top of the Whitehouse and pop our green flares! Let's go, go go!
Ramirez: Sir, wait up! [Starts up Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 soundtrack] [Starts humming the Rangers epic theme] Alright, I'm good to go.
(Rushes up stairs while shooting Russians and meeting more Rangers)
Ramirez: Wow! So many of my colleagues! This is awesome!
(Pops flares right next to That Ranger (yes, he makes a return!))
Ramirez: Oh, hey man! Long time no see! How's it going?
That Ranger: (waving flares while the jets scream past) Oh, not too bad. Shooting Russians, winning friends and influencing people as usual. How's the leader?
Ramirez: A pain in the arse. He said he would make me Corporal!
Dunn: Hey Sarge, when are we going to go to Moscow?
Foley: Not soon enough Corporal. When the time is right. When the time is right.
That Ranger: I can't wait to burn it into the ground.
Ramirez: [Groans] Guys, can't we get some R&R? I really need to go find a girlfriend, seriously I'm like twenty-something and I don't have a girlfriend.
That Ranger: You may want to consider waiting. After all, show a photo of your loveheart to anyone, you'll die…
Ramirez: [Cries] You mean I'm going into Russia WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND?
That Ranger: Yes.
Ramirez: [Cries].
###
Scene six: Afterwards (non-canon, me just screwing around, figuratively, not literally of course… though Ramirez would love that ;D)
Me: Ramirez!
Ramirez: Screw you sir! I'm not doing it!
Me: Umm, I'm not in the army…
Ramirez: Oh. I thought you're going to give me another impossible order.
Me: Nah, I was thinking… you know, you did quite your share during this last war.
Ramirez: I did… I mean, I saved America, destroyed AA-guns, destroyed SAM-sites and saved Washington… and I don't even get promoted to Corporal (very, very, very sad face). AND I STILL DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!
Me: Actually, I do have a plan…
Ramirez: Pray tell.
Me: Well, let's see… it's called making a game out of your heroics.
Ramirez: I'm very, very interested now.
Me: You're going to be the second character in the new Call Of Duty Series who will actually survive!
Ramirez: Yay! But can I survive in the sequel? I really, really want to find a girlfriend.
Me: Speaking of which, why don't you have one?
Ramirez: [Sighs] because I think I always preferred to be by myself and play with NERF guns.
Me: That's perfectly fine. I do that as well.
Ramirez: [Perks up] You should join the Rangers!
Me: Some other time. Let me find you a girlfriend first.
Ramirez: [Happy face] Yay, a girlfriend!
Me: (You know, this gives me a great, great idea… heh heh heh…)
###
Me: And that's the end of this. Hopefully, we can see more of Ramirez's interesting insights in my next short story… which I have a great, great idea ;)
Ramirez: I'm willing to share my side any time… unless I'm the all-potent silent protagonist ;D
Me: Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the crude humour, and I'll see you guys next time!
Ramirez: See you guys… wait, what the hell is the author going to do?
Me: I'm going to need a studio and a pretty good host…
Ramirez: Oh no…