My Letter to Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're probably wondering why I'm writing you this. God knows I don't need reminders that you're truly dead. It's just that, I've decided to spend my summer vacation a little differently this year. I swear a day doesn't go by when I don't think of you. Do you know what today is? I know you're not one to be reminded of such things; in fact, you've always been the one to remind me of this day. It is our 20th wedding anniversary. You remember that hot summer day 20 years ago? I'll never forget. It was our wedding day and you were the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth. You had on that silky cream color dress that your mother made for you. The girls were so little and cute walking down the aisle, each with their own flower girl basket. They had picked out your favorite flowers because they knew their mother wanted the prettiest flowers at her feet. Jacob wasn't even thought of. I'd do anything to go back to that moment. That perfect moment before everything took a turn for the worst.
Now I'm not perfect. I've made so many mistakes Sarah, that I can't even count it. But you've made some too. And because of my own guilt, I never addressed your part in what happened to us. I am guilty. A year or so after our wedding, we began arguing almost on a daily basis. My home was no longer my sanctuary and so I turned to Sue. I never meant for Sue and I to get as close as we did. Her and Harry were going through some things so it felt nice to be able to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. We consoled each other. Then we fell in love. Oh God Sarah, we never meant to make love that night. I'm a little teary eyed right now as I'm writing this. It's just that the look on your face when you caught us was heartbreaking. That look still haunts me to this day. I still appreciate you for not telling Harry about what happened. He wouldn't have been able to handle it. That incident, I know, took a lot out of our relationship. Plus, it didn't help that I was still seeing Sue. I kept denying it to you then but that's what was going on. I'm sorry for putting you through all of that but you put me through some things too.
Sarah, when I asked you on our 2 year wedding anniversary if you were unhappy in this marriage, you told me everything was fine. Then why did I have to find out that you were pregnant and that you were unfaithful to me? Joshua Uley showed up at our doorstep talking about you being pregnant with his child and that he needed to talk you into getting rid of it. This was news to me considering the fact that I didn't even know you were pregnant again. If you told me you were pregnant, I would've instantly known it wasn't mine. Remember sweetheart, we hadn't made love since you gave birth to Jacob in January. You were 2 months pregnant when I found out. You knew I would make the connection and that is why you kept that from me. Knowing you were carrying another man's baby killed me day by day inside. How could you do that to me? How could you do that to us? I guess I'm not one to judge, but Joshua showed me evidence that you were clearly intimate with him long before you found out about Sue and me. That betrayal cut me so deep; it made me check to make sure Jacob was indeed mine. I know I should've seen the signs. You were distant and didn't seem to sparkle as much as you used to. God, I miss that sparkle. I wasn't sure I could handle you having another man's baby but I wasn't going let Joshua talk you into aborting it. I knew it'll crush you to do that. Knowing that you didn't tell me, I could tell that your mind was leaning towards that possibility.
Then it got worse when Joshua threatened you to give up the baby or else. That guy wasn't wrapped too tight. I fought him as much as I could but I knew we had to do something for our family's sake. Making the decision to go to your friend Maya Call's house at the Makah reservation, was the only alternative. When he showed up at the house looking for you, I told him, as we discussed, that you had went to the clinic to abort the child. He actually looked happy. You had the baby at Maya's house and you gave her the opportunity to raise him since you knew she was unable to have children. I don't understand why you let Maya name him though. We all know why she named him Embry. She never missed an episode of that soap opera. I know how hard it was for you to give Embry up but it needed to be done so Joshua wouldn't get wind of him. Of course now it doesn't even matter anymore. Joshua Uley has long been gone. He wasn't a good father to Sam so Embry didn't miss much. I haven't told Embry that Maya isn't his real mother. I guess that's just one of those things that will stay between us. I say this though, letting Maya take care of Embry gave us the opportunity to work on our marriage. The kids never knew what happened; they just thought you went on vacation.
So just to catch you up on things, you should know that Rebecca is in Hawaii. Rachel was away but she's back home now. She's going out with a guy on the reservation. I don't like it but if it'll keep her nearby, then I'm happy. Jacob has gone through a big change. He's met a life mate so he's happy. Me, well, I'm still in love with Sue Clearwater. I told you I'll always be honest about how I feel about her. Harry died of a heart attack and so I thought that maybe that would be an opportunity for us to finally be together openly. Now Charlie has been hanging around Sue and it seems like they're developing feelings for each other. I love her Sarah. It hurts to know she's moving on with someone else. I can't face Charlie now. I've been avoiding his calls. Great, I'm crying again. Enough about Sue and Charlie today is about you, me, and the children. I'm writing this letter to say that I love you and miss you. God, these damn tears just won't stop. Ok, Sarah happy anniversary. The kids have gathered up your favorite flowers today. They only bloom during the summer. We're all going to visit your grave each day from now until the summer is over and place one at your grave a different flower with a letter stating what you mean to us. I'm going to leave this letter with you, first. The next day will be Rachel's letter on behalf of both her and her twin Rebecca. The next day after will be Jacob and then me again the following day. We all love you. Until we meet again.
With love,
Your husband
Billy Black