Conker's Bad Family Day
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any of these characters.
In a far off kingdom known as the Nuthole Kingdom or something, there lived a squirrel. He was no ordinary squirrel mind you. This squirrel was king of all the land.
Sadly, he did not enjoy his life as king. For one thing, he was the ruler of a group of moronic weasels, three cogs, a pitchfork, a paint can/paintbrush combo, a rat who kept blowing up from eating cheese and a fidgety little army squirrel who just talked in an annoying fashion. Rodent wasn't really an unlikable guy. (In fact, he's personally my second-favorite character)
As if that wasn't enough, his girlfriend, Berri was dead. She'd been gunned down on the biggest day of his life, the day he had become king.
The squirrel's name was Conker.
Conker was hitting a night in the town. He entered a bar and asked for his favorite drink. The bartender, who just happened to resemble the army general who once forced Conker into a war smiled and said, "A man with taste."
He gave the squirrel a cup of schnapps and asked, "You're just as depressed as you were last night when you ordered the same thing at my bar."
Conker sighed and explained, "Sorry, but it's hard to get over the death of your girlfriend."
Yup, Conker had learned that fateful day that the grass was always greener and you never know what you have until it's gone. It had been a day, but he was starting to recover a bit. Sadly, the only one living in his castle with him that he could tolerate was the army squirrel, Rodent.
He sometimes wished he'd never met the people who served him. They were very annoying.
Conker sighed and gulped down 3 cups of the strong alcoholic beverage and got up with his eyes completely blurred. He started to get very tipsy as he struggled to stay up.
After having to turn around 5 times, he finally found the exit and wandered off. He let out a small hiccup and stated, "I guess I might as well go home back to the castle."
After a rough night's sleep, the squirrel woke up in a daze. He rubbed his head and said, "It's going to be one of those days."
Sadly, he noticed no pads that had large B's written on them, so he didn't know how to get out of his drunken state. He just staggered onto the road as a car was just speeding towards him.
The two teenaged kids in the back seat were fighting as the fat man poked his head back and said, "You kids better stop fighting or else we're not going to Burger King."
The woman screamed in horror as she noticed a strange looking hairy kid walking around in the streets (He's really 20 or something) and shouted, "Peter, stop the car!"
The man, Peter yelped out in horror and swerved the car over in a 45 degree turn in order to be able to break faster. Sadly, the car rammed into the drunken squirrel thus killing him.
The baby stared in awe and said, "Wow, the fat man finally did something I can respect him for. Well, come on, what are you waiting for? Help that poor kid up!"
The family of five exited the car and grossed out at the site of all the blood coming from his body. Peter picked up a stick and poked the corpse.
"Yep, he's dead," he confirmed.
The woman, Lois gasped and said, "That poor squirrel mascot is dead. Oh, this is horrible."
The baby, Stewie walked up to him and said, "Um… yay, merrily, this man may not have had a good career, or a good long life in that matter, but he still contributed to whatever team he was representing."
Suddenly, the whole family gasped as the squirrels body disappeared. Mind you, there were no magical sparkly effects. He just faded out as if his presence was an illusion.
The fat boy, Chris screamed and shouted, "OH MY GOD, WE RAN OVER A GHOST! HIS SPIRIT WILL HAUNT US FOREVER!"
Lois grabbed the boy and slapped him in the face while shouting, "Get a hold of yourself! If we just drive away from here, no spirits will harm us and we'll be home free!"
The girl, Meg trembled and said, "We'd better step on it. He may come back with a vengeance!"
"Who said that you can have a say in the matter, Meg?" Peter retorted as Meg folded her arms angrily.
Suddenly, a large bony hand appeared out of the sky as the squirrel was not only dropped back onto solid ground, but he wasn't drunk anymore. Lois breathed a sigh of relief and said, "God must want this kid to live. We're very sorry that our husband ran you over."
"Don't drag me down with you, Lois! You were the one who took ten seconds to actually say something!" Peter snapped.
The squirrel simply stared and asked, "Where am I? I somehow ended up here after drinking 3 cups of schnapps last night."
Upon hearing his rather adult-sounding voice and hearing that he drank alcohol, they jumped to the conclusion that he wasn't actually a kid.
Lois breathed a sigh of relief and said, "You're in Quahog right now. What do you remember before waking up here?"
Conker shook the tiredness out of him and explained, "First thing I remember was that I was king… king of all the land. I went to a bar, drank three cups of schnapps, wandered in the direction that I thought led to home and I guess I fell asleep here."
Chris stared and asked, "How come your costume's mouth moves when you talk?"
"Costume?" he retorted, "Listen, buddy, I don't know who you are, but this fur is real."
Meg stared in shock and stated, "He must be from another world or something?"
"Another world?" Conker asked, "Tell me, what year and country is this?"
"It's 2000 and you're in America," Lois confirmed.
Conker placed his hands against his forehead and groaned, "Oh no! I'm in another dimension! This country doesn't exist on any of my maps! Dammit, my drinking problem just got me into more trouble."
Suddenly, a mysterious man in a cloak wielding a scythe walked up to the group. Peter waved and said, "Hi Death, what are you doing here?"
Death pulled out a list and said, "I'm here to collect a squirrel that was run over. Normally, that would be the anime Death's job, but he's out sick so I have to handle both body collecting jobs. Come on, Squirrel, you're coming with me."
Conker grimaced and stated, "Listen, buddy, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm still alive. Besides, I'm from another dimension. Ask the Death from my world to explain it to you."
Death pulled out his cellphone and said, "All right, but only because the law of the grim reaper requires that I do so."
He dialed the number, waited for an answer and said, "Hello? This is Death from another dimension. Apparently, one of your citizens has wandered into our world. He got hit by a car, but remains living. What is this? Okay… hold on a sec. What's your name, kid?"
"I'm Conker the Squirrel," Conker answered in a slight 'you should know that' tone.
Death confirmed the squirrel's name as he listened more and said, "You're coming here? Oh, okay, gotcha! This might take a while."
After about 5 minutes, a large shadow was cast upon the group of seven as a booming voice erupted saying, "I AM HERE TO CLEAR UP THIS MISUNDERSTANDING! YOU MAY NOT SENTENCE THIS CITIZEN FROM MY WORLD TO DEATH!"
Death stared and said, "With that shadow that big, I'm kinda jealous. This guy must be huge."
The towering figure continued with, "NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN…" when suddenly, a huge screeching noise that usually came from a broken megaphone filled the area as a small figure entered the area, threw away a megaphone he was carrying and cursed, "Those cheap bastards said they had fixed that problem with this bloody contraption!"
He noticed the group and said, "Now, let's get down to business, shall we?"
Death simply stared and asked, "Aren't you a little short to be Death?"
"Well, excuse me for not being as big as my shadow, mate!" the small grim reaper spat, "It's not my fault I was born this way! My mom was vindictive with midgets, okay?"
The whole group simply stared while Lois and Chris blinked and Stewie looked bored to be faced with such a disgraceful reaper. This was not the grim reaper Stewie looked up to.
The reaper cleared his throat and said, "Now, let's get down to business. My name is Gregg, the Grim Reaper, and don't laugh! See, Conker here is a squirrel, but you probably already knew that. Now, that's the reason he's still alive. See, I lowered him back down to Earth because unlike humans and other animals, squirrels are more like cats. I hate those bloody things! They don't even deserve 9 lives!"
Death stared and asked, "Are you saying that this squirrel has nine lives?"
"Not precisely," said the reaper, "But he does have as many lives as he thinks he can get away with. All squirrels do."
"Are you serious? We didn't know that!" Peter stated.
Gregg nodded and continued, "See, he has what's called squirrel tails. The more he finds, the more chances I'm supposed to give him. So, he can die, but he has more chances, very much like cats. I hate those bloody things, always pissing all over the carpet and their shit smells like a toxic waste dump! They always claw at my robe while I'm doing business! I'll kill those little pricks one of these days!"
Everyone stood there still blinking randomly as Gregg cleared his throat and stated, "So, as you can see, since he had collected 11 squirrel tails before he went to the bar, he has more than 10 chances left, so you won't be claiming any bodies from him for a while. Anyway, if you don't mind, I have some cats to see! I'll kill them this time!"
With that, Conker held out his hand and asked, "Can you send me back to my world with you?"
"No," Gregg answered, "I didn't come through a portal. I teleported here. You really think I'd leave my lair just to save you, you little prick? Think again!"
He then transported himself back to his world using magic as Death turned to the squirrel and said, "I guess that means you can still live, but be safe. Just because you have many lives doesn't mean it's not easy to lose them. Anyway, I have a 4:00 right now. Some guy choked on a chicken bone. See ya."
Peter stared and said, "Well, that was weird."
As the family drove Conker to their house for some shelter, Conker explained everything that had happened up to the point in which his life had turned around and he became king. Stewie was bored and grossed out by everything accept the war against the Teddiz. He felt as if that was the kind of war his bear, Rupert could have been in if he was a real bear. Of course, he also vowed not to let Rupert near Conker, but that was irrelevant. This was just going to be one long-assed day and that was that.