It had been an ordinary September day when Luan had received the letter from Maggie.
Not from her girlfriend directly, Luan had been to visit Maggie's mom as she was in the habit of doing.
The woman often said she saw Luan as a second daughter which the comedian took with a point of pride.
She had knocked on the door ready with a smile, and a joke only to be greeted by a yellow envelope addressed to her.
Maggie's mom said she'd found it while going through her daughter's things.
She hadn't read it before giving it to Luan, she said she knew Maggie wouldn't have wanted her to.
It had taken Luan a few days to work up the courage to read it, now she was sitting on her bed preparing herself.
She'd told Luna about it, she'd considered not telling anyone she knew they'd be supportive.
But she felt like this was something she should carry herself; for Maggie.
In the end, she changed her mind telling her roommate so she wouldn't be interrupted while reading the letter.
Luna had set about telling the rest of the family, convincing most of them to go out for the day and those who remained to give Luan the space she needed.
There had been one requirement on Luna's part, that she be allowed to stay while Luan read the letter.
Luan only relented because she knew her older sister worried about her even though the rocker played at being aloof.
Telling silly jokes in a cockney accent, all the while Luan could tell Luna was trying to gauge how she was coping, her sister couldn't quite play subtle.
She often wondered if Luna knew the dark places her mind had gone, she never wrote anything down; in this house, there was no such thing as privacy.
It slipped out in her comedy now and again, sometimes a joke would come off darker then she'd intended, others were exactly as dark as she meant them to be.
She was stalling though, the letter ached of finality. doing her best to preserve the envelope she opened it with a joke an id she'd gotten Maggie.
Pulling the letter out she got a momentary shock when something black launched itself from the envelope.
Picking the small black object up she couldn't help but laugh out loud, it was a small paper bat propelled by elastics.
She looked over at Luna but her sister hadn't noticed; the older girl was in a world all her own, headphones on she was playing the keys of an invisible piano.
That was okay though, the joke had been meant for her from her Spooky.
Unfolding the letter she recognized her girlfriends' handwriting.
Taking a deep breath she began to read trying to make every word last a lifetime.
To my kooky girl,
If you're reading this the inevitable has come to pass I'm sure everyone's devastated but none more than you.
No shit Sherlock, Luan thought, a phrase she had picked up from Maggie.
Before I learned my grim fate I used to laugh, not a lot but when it was appropriate; car crashes, the misery of others, you know funny stuff.
I think that's why my mom hired your brother for my birthday party, I think she just wanted to see me laugh again.
And that's where I saw you for the first time and I actually did laugh I don't think I ever thanked you for that.
I tried hard to forget you after that I didn't want to become a cliche.
But you tracked me down and as much as I spurned your advances you were persistent like mold sporing in a public washroom or a rash that just wouldn't go away.
Luan let out a sigh pausing for a moment, Maggie had such a way with words, a secret romantic.
But then something started growing inside me that I couldn't ignore; something other than the tumors riddling my brain.
I wanted for it so bad to just be a stupid tween infatuation I didn't want to be the dying girl in love, I didn't want to have something to lose.
Before you'd come along I promised myself I'd never let myself do something so stupid or selfish.
One of my male friends you can probably guess who, joked about volunteering to make me a woman needless to say they have the scars to remind them never to make the same mistake.
I'm going out of this life as frustrated as when I came into it and that's my choice.
She did indeed have an idea who Maggie spoke of and made a mental note next April Fools wouldn't be very funny for him.
I do regret waiting so long to tell you about my condition; I fear I deceived you, you may have made a better choice if you'd known what you were getting into.
Not likely Luan thought, she'd been determined to get Maggie's attention from the moment she laid eyes upon the beautiful sullen goth.
When you told me what you were thinking of doing I slapped you so hard I thought I might have broken something.
That would have been just my luck dead girl in a box with a cast on her hand.
Subconsciously touching her face Luan could still faintly remember the pain, she had a selfie with the red handprint clearly visible.
She'd considered getting a tattoo of the outline, Luna had suggested that might be a bit too Mike Tyson.
She'd told her parents it was prop comedy gone wrong it was the first and last time
Maggie had laid a hand on her in anger.
I was overwhelmed with rage when you told me you were going to end your life to be with me, no one threatens my girlfriend, not even you.
If the smack got my message across then I don't regret it for a moment, you haven't said anything about suicide since but I'm still afraid for you.
Luan felt a wave of guilt she was sorry she'd added to her girlfriends' anxiety it had been her job to protect her.
Now you had better not be guilting yourself I'm your girlfriend I should worry about you.
Before you, I knew death just meant you became worm food, and you were gone, and I was comfortable with that.
My mom tried pushing religion on me which was a joke because she'd never stepped foot in a church in her life.
Your little sister Lisa taught me something, that as you decompose your atoms return to the earth and energy returns to the universe that nothing is ever truly gone.
After that, I forced my mom to arrange for cremation I don't want to rot in a box.
Religion never stuck but I do know well be together again. maybe one day when you're on tour I'll be some underage fan throwing myself at you like a fool.
What I want you to know is that until we're together again you have your entire life ahead of you.
I want you to do stupid things when your ready drink, do drugs, have sex with girls or guys I guess; just make mistakes you can live with.
But most importantly I want you to laugh again like you helped me laugh again, I know you're going to make a lot of people laugh just do that for me.
A lump was forming in Luan's throat, the words were running out, she was nearing the end of the letter and she couldn't bare it.
I don't know when I'll give this to you I hope I don't forget otherwise I wasted six hours spilling my guts to a stupid piece of paper.
I'll be in the hospital soon shitting in a tray and losing myself piece by piece.
I'm not afraid to die; I'm scared my body will drag the process out and you'll be wasting your life looking after a corpse waiting to happen.
She remembered the days she'd spent by Maggie's side in the hospital watching her shrink away a little at a time, all the way until the end.
She remembered one day coming home late she'd let herself in and heard her parents talking, her mother was crying and snuck a peak.
Her father was consoling her mother, she heard her mother say it wasn't fair that her daughter should have heart broken so young, in such a cruel way.
Unable to stop herself she had walked in; she told her parents not unkindly that she had no regrets about loving Maggie that given the choice she would do it all over again.
Her dad had managed to tell her he was proud to have a daughter like her before bursting into tears.
Her mother made room for her to sit between them and told her, of course, she would because she came from a family of hopeless romantics.
I should have punched you the day you asked me out, then I'd just be some psycho girl and I would have saved you the time and agony.
When you'd heard I'd died you would have thought no big loss, but it's too late now.
I'm dragging this out so I want you to know I love you and I know you loved me.
No! Luan wanted to scream drag it out drag it out forever but her wish went unanswered.
Forever your Spooky Girl.
Now stop crying and go live your life for both of us.
After reading the letter over several times Luan set it down, her sister looked up just in time to watch her fall apart.
She watched through tears as Luna tossed the iPod aside and rushed over.
Luna didn't waste time with pointless platitudes, she just wrapped her arms around her sister and held Luan and let her cry.
Luan didn't know how long like that; her eye ducts had long ago run dry, in a hoarse voice she whispered to Luna, "knock knock."
"Who's there," Luna asked.
"Boo," answered Luan.
"Boo who," Luna answered knowing where this was going.
"Don't cry, it's just a joke," Luan said delivering the punch line, both girls laughed for a while, not because of the joke but because it was what Luan needed.
Getting up Luan cracked her neck before sitting down again this time in her rolly chair.
"Luna," she asked wiping her face with a long chain of handkerchiefs that hung from her chair, "there's something I want you to do for me."
"Sure dude," Luna said clearly happy to be able to do something, "Lay it on me."
"I want you to start bringing Sam around again and tell the others I want to see Bobby, Chaz, and whichever girl Lincoln is dating this week." Luan took a breath when she was done.
From Luna's expression, it was clear this wasn't what she'd expected, "We haven't been.."
"Save it, sister." Luan said dramatically reclaiming her voice, "I may often play the fool but I'm no dummy, that's Mr. Coconuts."
Shrugging Luna looked at her with a face that said jigs up no harm.
"I know you think you're protecting me," Luan softened her tone, "I can't lie I'm in pain and I don't know if it'll ever stop hurting."
"Yes, seeing you and Sam together reminds me of things I did with Maggie and all the things I'll never get to do" Luan spoke letting her earnest emotion flow freely, "but it also shows me what I still might do, when I'm ready to find someone new."
Luna nodded she was clearly feeling what Luan was telling her.
Standing up Luna walked over and gave her a hug, "It's good to have you back dude," Luan could hear the smile in her sister's voice, "I've missed you brah."
~ fin ~