Ok everyone. So I know I shouldn't be writing this crappy one shot because I still haven't updated my other story but I'm having some serious writers block when it comes to that story for some reason. I'm going to try really really hard to put two chapters up this week and if I don't then you can all kill me. This is my first one shot and in my opinion it really sucks. Lol. But I'm going to put it up anyways because I wrote it and yea. Well hope you guys like it. I tried. Reviews would be nice! I love you all!

How did he think that we wouldn't care? How did he think that I wouldn't care? How could he think such things? How could he possibly make himself believe that I didn't care? That I didn't love him? Why would he think that it was ok to do this to himself? Why would he just act like everything was ok? How could this happen? Why did this happen? All of these questions were running through my mind but the most important question was this, How did I not see through his little charade? I was his boyfriend. I was going to propose to him and we were going to get married and have kids and a house and a life. Now all of that seemed so…fake. So unreal and distant. We were so close to having a perfect life and now all of it was just gone. I looked in the mirror at my puffy red eyes, tear stained face, and messy untamed brunette hair. Normally I would make myself look more presentable or at least decent. Right now I could tell that I looked like shit. Even though I was wearing my best suit I looked like I had just gotten off of the streets. I wanted to cry again thinking about what had happened to my best friend, my one and only. When I looked back at my reflection again all I saw were my blank eyes. They were emotionless. They looked like I had never felt anything in my life. I had drained all of my sadness out the night before. I couldn't do anything but cry over and over again in my bed alone, wishing that my blonde hero would come back for me. I knew he wouldn't though. He was gone forever and if I wasn't so stupid I could've stopped him from doing this. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom of the depressing funeral home. I had been in there for quite some time and I figured it was time to face what I needed to. I closed my eyes hoping that it was just some messed up dream that my mind was making a little too realistic but then for the first time that morning I felt a tear fall down my cheek. This was all too real to be a dream. I wiped it away and walked towards the room where I knew my darling was lying still and quiet. When I reached the room I stopped dead in my tracks and stared at the wall. I knew he was just beyond that wall and once I took step in that door I would probably lose it again. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Logan looking up at me.

"You should go in there you know."

I nodded but stayed silent. I knew that I should be in that room spending the last few moments with my love but I just needed some time.

He hugged me, "Carlos is already in there. He was wondering where you were."

I looked away from him knowing that I was the only one of us that had yet to see him and actually confront what had happened. I should've been the first to see him but I didn't want to have to see Kendall like that. It just didn't feel right.

"You can't hide from this any longer James…"

I took his hand and nodded. He led me through the open doors of the depressing room. I didn't dare look up while walking around and trusted him to get me to the blonde beauty. A few seconds passed of us walking and me staring at my feet and he let my hand go to place it on the casket. I turned to look at Logan and he nodded telling me that it was going to be ok. He walked over to where Carlos was on the other side of the room and I leaned in front of the casket. I finally got myself to look up and realized that I was shaking quite a bit. I never thought I would see what was in front of me though. I didn't expect him to look so…happy. He looked much better than me but it's not like that was a surprise. He always looked so beautiful and full of life. He didn't look like he normally did but he still looked like he wasn't dead. I knew they had put tons of make up on him to make it seem like he was just sleeping but I didn't want to believe that the beautiful man in front of me was the cause of a bunch of cosmetics. The corners of his mouth were turned up into a tiny smile and his eyes were closed just like he had been sleeping. His blonde hair was combed into its usual style and he didn't look any paler than normal. I smiled and slowly placed my hand on top of his. I felt a shiver run down my spine when I touched him though. He was freezing. That snapped me back into the reality of things and the tears began to flow. I put my head down and just cried. It felt like I was there for hours but that was obviously not the case. It must have been a little over 5 minutes when I felt someone tap my back. I looked up but had to wipe the tears away to make out who it was. Katie, Kendall's little sister, was standing there with an emotionless expression. I could tell that she was just trying to be strong. Not for herself or anybody else really, she was just being strong for Kendall. I stood up and gave her a hug. I loved this little girl so much. She was now the closest thing that I had to Kendall and she knew that. She wasn't much of a hugger but she let me embrace her for a good amount of time. When I pulled back she gave me a little smile and handed me a folded up piece of paper.

"What's this?" I hadn't meant to whisper but it came out pretty close to one.

"I found it in his room when I walked in and found him…it was in his hand. It has your name on it. I didn't read it. I thought that it must be private."

I nodded and she walked away to go sit with Logan and Carlos. Once again I was alone but this time all I could do was look at the note with my name written on it in his hand writing and his still lifeless body. I felt myself shaking once more and decided that I should go outside for a little bit to get some air. I stuffed the note in my coat pocket knowing that I was quite ready to read it yet. After a few minutes of sitting outside I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to be with him. Even if he was gone I just had to hold his hand. I kneeled down next to him and pulled out the neatly folded note. I unfolded it and placed my left hand on top of his. My eyes began to water before even finishing the first sentence.

Jamesy Bear,

Do you miss me? That wasn't the right thing to say. Anyways I really hope you got this note. If you didn't then someone it hiding it or it was just soaked in too much blood. I probably shouldn't have written that last part but I know that our relationship is all honesty. I bet you probably heard about what I did to myself and have already decided that it was all your fault. I don't want you to think that. Not now and not ever. You were the only thing wonderful and pure about my life. You made everything so amazing and I can't thank you enough for that. Honestly I never thought it would come to the point where I would be writing something like this. I must finally be crazy. Everyone else already thought that I was. You were the only one that ever really believed the things that I had to tell you. I know that I told you I would stop hurting myself. I did stop for quite some time. Only for you. I don't want to leave you like this. You're my pride and joy. You helped me through a lot of times but I wasn't always completely honest with you. I'm sorry for that. I wanted to tell you everything but I didn't want you to have to be the strong one all the time. Actually instead of writing this stupid note I should be calling you to come hold me or something but I just don't feel like I can hold you down anymore. I'll tell you why I'm doing this right now. I'm doing this because I'm pathetic. My dad has been abusing me. I know I lied to you about that. I told you the bruises were from hockey. I'm sorry for that. I should have told you right away. I guess I was just scared. My mom never stopped him though. She would just watch and say she was sorry when he wasn't around. Never once did she ever help me. I thought that made me even more pathetic than I thought I was. I didn't get into any colleges…I tried for you. I tried for us actually. I just couldn't do it. My grades started slipping again…I'm sorry for that as well. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry I left you and I'm sorry that I didn't let you know what was going on. I'm sorry that I'm a horrible boyfriend and I'm sorry that I'm so weak. I'm sorry that because of me we won't have a future together…Let me tell you something though…If you can go into my room when all of this is done and over with look under my mattress. There's a notebook there with everything I planned for us. There's wedding plans and children's names. The pets we would have and even what modeling agencies we would call for you after high school. You should still use those though. You'll always be beautiful no matter what. Promise me one thing. Once they put me in the ground you'll move on. You don't have to forget about me but I want you to be able to go out and have fun. Have that family that you've always wanted and don't regret anything. I guess I don't have much else to say other than I love you. You will always be the one that made me have second thoughts about this. I'm so sorry for leaving you James. So sorry that I'm actually holding back tears. Someday we'll be together though. I hope. Just hang in there. Tell Carlos and Logan that I love them too. And have them help you. OK? You have a good life ahead of you. You're the best babe. You're my one and only just like I always promised. I still love you.

Love,

Your Kendahlia.

P.S. Now I can be your guardian angel.

I'll always be with you. I promise. Just call me and I'll be there.

Tears were streaming down my face. I tried to hold them back but it was useless. I got the answers to my questions. I had no idea that he was going through that. Why wouldn't he just tell me? There wasn't a moment in time when I thought he was pathetic or weak. He was my Kendall. I was supposed to be there for him. I shook my head and leaned over his body sobbing.

"W-why K-Kendall…I c-can't do th-this without y-you…I don't wa-wanna do this w-without you…"

I tilted my head a little bit to look at his face. That beautiful gorgeous wonderful face. I would never see that glowing smile ever again and it was all because of his stupid parents…he didn't even get to finish school…only one month left and he didn't get to celebrate with me…I wanted to kiss him and hold him close. I was going to propose to him that night…I pulled the little black velvet box out of my pocket and flicked it open. There was the engagement ring that I had bought a month before. I was so nervous about proposing to him that I almost didn't buy it. There were several times when I chickened out of proposing to him. If I did maybe he would have stayed with me…I slowly shook my head and got down on one knee.

I whispered, "Kendall Francis Knight, will you please marry me and be mine forever?"

Just then I could've swore I heard him sniffle and mumble a yes. I stood back up and removed the ring to the box. I gave it one last look at the engraved words Kendall Francis Diamond. My one and only. I kissed it and slipped the ring onto his finger. I smiled and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you Kendall." I then kissed him on the lips which might have been weird but I just couldn't resist. I had to kiss him one more time. "And I'm sorry too. I can't keep that promise. You were my one and only."