Clown Envy
"What's it called when you're going somewhere with a couple, and you don't wanna be the third wheel, so you invite a friend along just so you can pretend you ain't alone and unloved?"
"This a joke, J?"
"Nah, it's what you are, Kitty!" laughed the Joker. He, Harley Quinn, Selina Kyle, and Poison Ivy were first in the long line in front of the movie theater. Some people had been camping out overnight to get tickets to the film, but the moment people recognized the Joker, his group was immediately and mysteriously ushered to the front of the line.
Ivy rolled her eyes. "J, if you'll recall, Selina and I were the ones who suggested going to the movie, because we've wanted to see it since it was announced. Harley's the one who insisted that you be allowed to come too. I didn't really think it would be your cup of tea. You don't strike me as a guy who likes his rom coms."
"Well, I like my coms," replied Joker, shrugging. "Half is better than nothing, as I said to that guy when I only cut off one of his arms. And I've never said no to a little roming, eh, Harley girl?" he murmured, kissing her cheek.
"I'm sure you'll love it, Mr. J," she breathed, snuggling against him.
"Can we sit in the back row?" asked Joker. "If the movie gets boring, me and Harley can always make out."
"I don't think Harley's gonna be bored by this particular movie, J," said Ivy, smiling at Selina.
"And I don't think she's gonna be thinking about you when you're making out," continued Selina, smiling back.
They both giggled. "Something funny, ladies?" asked Joker. "And I use the term loosely. Anything you wanna share?"
"Nope," retorted Ivy. "Nothing at all, J."
They giggled again. Joker looked from one to the other, and then down at Harley, who was blushing. "It was just a stupid quiz, Mr. J, nothing for you to worry about," she murmured.
"What quiz?" demanded Joker.
"Last time Harley came over, we were reading magazines, and one of them had this quiz in it," explained Selina. "Just random questions, y'know, what's your favorite sex position, what's your most unusual fetish…"
"One of those things you regret asking after the alcohol wears off," sighed Ivy.
"And one of the questions was if you had to sleep with a celebrity, which celebrity would you pick? And Harley picked Mr. Edward Harker," said Selina, nodding at the movie poster, where an attractive, well-built young man gazed intently out at the viewer.
Joker stared at it, and then back at Harley. "You picked him?" he snapped.
"Well…he ain't a bad looking guy, Mr. J…" began Harley slowly.
"And what's wrong with me?" snapped Joker. "I'm a celebrity!"
"I picked you first, puddin', but the gals said it didn't count 'cause I was already sleeping with you," replied Harley.
"Well, then you should have just said no one," retorted Joker.
"But the question was if I had to, puddin'," replied Harley. "It wouldn't have been a very fun game if I had just refused to answer…"
"It isn't a fun game!" snapped Joker. "There ain't nothing fun about it! Forcing a dame to consider who she'd cheat on her boyfriend with! It's just sick if you ask me!"
"Oh, lighten up, J," retorted Selina. "I certainly don't blame Harley. That is one hunk of man I'd love to sink my claws into," she murmured, gazing at the poster. "Handsome face, killer body, sensitive and sincere and sweet, if you see him being interviewed. Just every girl's dream really."
"Oh yeah, if he ever visits Gotham, I am wrapping my weeds around him and never letting go," sighed Ivy.
"You'll have to fight me first," retorted Selina. "And Harley. Right, Harley?" she asked, smiling at her.
Harley was still blushing. "And I had been drinking, Mr. J…" she began.
"Oh, you think that excuses it, do you?" demanded Joker. "You think that makes it better? What if this guy Harker had suddenly appeared and you'd been drinking, and you ended up in bed with him? You think you being drunk would have excused that?"
"Um…no, puddin', but it's nothing like that…" began Harley.
"It's exactly like that!" he snapped. "You've admitted that given the opportunity, you would sleep with this Harker guy…"
"If I had to, in a hypothetical situation…"
"If you had to!" he repeated. "Well, what are we talking about here, Harley? If he had a gun to your head? I sure as hell hope you'd put a bullet in your brain rather than cheat on me!"
"Of course I would, puddin', but it was just a dumb, meaningless quiz…"
"Meaningless? It means precisely what you said! If you had to sleep with a celebrity, you'd pick this guy! It means you've thought about it! It means you've considered sleeping with someone else but me! It means you've cheated on me in your mind!"
"But I haven't, puddin'!" cried Harley. "I never would…"
"Is it…um…four for Love's Wild Fury?" asked the man in the ticket booth, who had just arrived.
"It's three, sport," snapped Joker, striding out of the line. "You ladies enjoy your night fantasizing about this Harker guy! You're on the couch tonight, Harley!"
"Aw, puddin', don't be like that!" cried Harley, rushing after him. "I didn't mean it, really! You know I only have eyes for you – you're the only man I've ever wanted! And you're the only celebrity I'd sleep with, I swear! This guy don't mean nothing to me! I love you, puddin'! Only you!"
"It's too late, Harley," he snapped. "Just go have fun watching him! And I sure as hell hope thinking about him satisfies you, because you ain't getting nothing from me! Not tonight and not ever again!"
"But…puddin'!" cried Harley. "Puddin', please…"
"Goodbye, Harley!" he snapped, shoving her away.
Harley gazed after him with tears in her eyes, and then slowly rejoined Ivy and Selina. "Wow. What a paranoid bastard," muttered Selina.
"He ain't, Selina, don't talk about him like that," murmured Harley, wiping her eyes. "I shouldn't have made him jealous like that…it's my fault. Mr. J is right – I shouldn't consider other guys attractive…"
"Harley, people can't help finding other people attractive!" snapped Selina. "J has absolutely no reason to be insecure! There's never been a more loyal or devoted woman than you, although God knows why with the way he treats you! He's just being childish and immature and stupid!"
"No, he ain't," murmured Harley. "It's my fault, as usual. My fault."
Ivy took her by the shoulders. "Harley, just try to forget about it and enjoy the movie, ok, baby?" she said, gently.
Harley did try. But as she watched the movie, as she watched Edward Harker's character gently try to woo the girl of his dreams with tenderness and affection, she only grew more upset. She had never wanted a nice guy like that – she wanted Mr. J. But she couldn't help but feel envious of the woman as Edward Harker kissed her tenderly, and whispered to her that she was his whole world. Harley would never hear those words from the man she loved.
She didn't want that, she assured herself, as Ivy dropped her off home after the movie was over. She wanted Mr. J, just as he was. He was perfect, and she loved him madly. It was stupid of her to be weak like that, and to want something more, when she already had the most perfect man in the world. She was selfish and greedy, and she had hurt Mr. J very deeply by even considering another man attractive. She would never hurt him again, she vowed. He deserved to know how much she loved him every minute of every day. She had always tried to show him that, but she had failed. She would have to try harder.
She knocked on the door to their bedroom. The Joker opened it slowly. "How was the movie?" he asked coldly.
"Fine," replied Harley.
"Got the girl in the end, did he?" he said sarcastically.
"Yeah, Mr. J," she whispered.
"Of course he would, guy like him," retorted Joker. "Bet all the dames are crazy for him."
"I ain't, Mr. J," she murmured. "I ain't crazy for anyone but you."
He glared at her and then held the door open. The TV was on and Joker climbed back into bed, watching it without saying another word. Harley didn't either – she listened to the news as she changed into her pajamas.
"…and in entertainment news, Edward Harker has just signed on to star in the upcoming action movie based on the real-life adventures of the Batman, the Dark Knight defender of Gotham City. Harker will be playing the Batman's ultimate nemesis, the Joker, in a gritty, realistic portrayal of the horror which plagues Gotham City…"
Both Joker and Harley stared at the TV, open-mouthed. "Say…what?" gasped Joker.
"When asked about the character of the Joker, Harker had this to say," continued the newscaster, and the camera suddenly switched to interview footage of the actor: "I think the Joker is actually an incredibly disturbed man, and it's time he was seen in that light. He obviously doesn't take himself seriously, but what he does is serious harm, and no amount of over-the-top jokes and gags can conceal that. The constantly happy clown persona is a joke in itself, and one that's got old. When you get right down to it, this man in a psychopath. He kills people. We need to focus on that, and reveal the tortured soul behind the smile. And that's what I'm hoping to do – channel the man's hatred, rage, and danger. Because, let's face it, a cartoonish supervillain is a little too silly in this day and age. I'm hoping to make the Joker more accessible to the audience, more of an anarchist or terrorist, something more believable than the ridiculous clown he actually is."
Six bullets were suddenly fired into the screen. "Anarchist?!" shrieked Joker, furiously. "Terrorist?! I ain't anything as boring as that, you jumped up little pretty boy! How dare a worm like you even begin to criticize me?! Old?! Ridiculous?! Silly?! Oh, I'll show you who's silly, you little weasel! He's dead, Harley! Your boyfriend is dead!" he screamed, leaping out of bed and seizing another gun.
"Now…now calm down, puddin'…" said Harley gently, hugging him. "It's just a movie, after all…"
"A movie about me!" shouted Joker. "Why wasn't I asked to be me?! Oh, I know, because I'm a little too ridiculous to play myself, ain't that right?!"
He began firing at the TV again, emptying another round into it. "Puddin', please…"
"And that's the guy you wanna sleep with, Harl?!" he demanded. "Oh, I can see why! This Joker ain't dangerous and thrilling enough for you, is he?! You want a more relevant, accessible Joker! That's what the young people like, isn't it?! They like things to be relevant! Well, you go ahead and have him, toots! If the classic routines ain't good enough for you anymore, go find someone with a more modern sense of humor!"
"Puddin', I don't want…"
She shrieked and ducked as he seized another gun and began shooting at her. "Out, out, out, you useless waste of space!" he shouted.
She rushed from the room and he slammed the door behind her. She heard him randomly firing the gun again and sighed, heading into the living room. After staring at the wall for several minutes, she reached for the phone and dialled Poison Ivy. "Hi, Red? You seen the news? Yeah. I think we're gonna need to make a little trip to Hollywood."