El cielo tiene un nombre, tu nombre.
Qué no daría yo por contemplarte,
Aunque fuera un solo instante.
- Alejandro Sanz, "Siempre es de noche"
It was not often enough that I, heir to Autozam, found myself staring at "beauty" within the bounds of my home country. "Beauty ", I quote, for sadly there is beauty and there is "beauty", the latter being the one experienced by those whom great sorrow dimmed the light of their eyes. It was an especially lovely place, especially lovely indeed, unique in Autozam most likely. Clean water of an unnamed spring trickling between still white limestones, and even more amazing in my eyes, a lush meadow. How such a place laden with a great feeling of nature existed in a place of mechanical wonder alone was beyond me. "Beauty" it was indeed; the glint of sunlight was absent in my gaze, knowing to what degree this paradise was ephemeral, and to what extent I myself was ephemeral. For all my willpower never would a blade of grass survive for long in the harsh air of Autozam; blue skies were never overhead, not even here. Hence, for all the "beauty" I had found that day by accident, looking for solace in my own reign, tears I could not but shed into the cool water stream.
It must have been fate- since my friend it is common knowledge that fate plays a hand in our lives, more so even than will- that Cail Lantis would choose this place as his first destination in the country of Autozam. Fate is so very fickle at times; Lantis of Cephiro would never see "grass" the way I saw grass, as something extraordinary. However, he too would curse the fleetingness of the meadow in a not so distant date, not because "grass" would ever hold any value to him, but- as I would later find- because he had seen something far more precious than "nature" here. Beauty he had found; light present in Cail Lantis' eyes for the first time since he first learnt that his brother, Sol Zagato, loved Princess Emeraulde, and that that the pillar loved him back.
Melancholy was not, I had long decided, the image I should ever portray of myself. Almost unwillingly, the flow of tears ceased, an artificial brightness, the same that lighted all of Autozam, settled into my countenance and a most pleasing smile spread across my features. Eagle of Autozam would not allow another to see his "melancholy". I stood, I smiled, I greeted, and then I opened my eyes and blinked twice.
In retrospect, I suppose I should be amused at the irony. He did not captivate my gaze at all the first time I saw him. I was looking beyond at his summon animal, and after my initial shock of seeing an animal I went into hysterics, noticing his hooves scorching the grass, flaming as they were. Yes, I am amused in retrospect, because I failed to notice him to such an extent that- as he later would inform me- his open gaze at me went unperceived, the stumbles in his speech never reached my ears. Maybe, it was better that way. All I would remember of our initial meeting was magnificence. Not his, it is true, but nevertheless.
Everyone- "everyone" being all those who have seen me smile- thinks I am a lighthearted person; even he thinks I am, regardless of all he knows about me. I am not, lighthearted that is, although it would explain how I felt about love. All- "all" being those who overanalyze my thoughts, besides my conscience that is- say my heart is too light to fall deeply in love quickly, much less at first sight. They- "they" being those who don't think overmuch on complicated visions of a person's psyche- do not see how heavy my heart actually is, and that it takes more than simple sight to move it anywhere. Strong hearted, strong willed, strong- that is what it takes to be a pillar after all, is it not? Heavy hearted, my heart is slow to move, but impossible to dislodge once moved- is that not right Lantis? Your heart is light, isn't it? It is exclusive, honing those strong hearts to anchor it, but not that exclusive…
- The grass?
- There is no more grass in Autozam.
- How can there be no more grass?
- Choke on the air, breathe it in deep.
- Ah.
- Welcome to Autozam.
- Cail Lantis, from Cephiro.
- Eagle.
- From Autozam, I surmise.
- Right, but what you see here is not Autozam. It just happens to be here.
- You?
- The nature. I will always be from Autozam, Lantis.
- Well then. I think you are qualified to show me around, ne?
- I am not a tour guide, Lantis.
- I am not a tourist.
- What do you call someone who travels to random, beautiful places then?
- Truly alive.
- Free?
- Alive. One cannot be truly alive without freedom.
- In Autozam, I assure you, you will meet things that are free, but not alive.
- Things?
- People too.
- At least, they are free.
- Show me freedom then Lantis. I'll take you wherever you want to go.
- Should I call back my stallion?
- In Autozam? That will be hardly appropriate.
- What then?
- Come with me.
- On that?
- Yes, on this. Do not worry; if you hold on to me, I will not let you fall.
- If I hold on...
- I will not let you fall.
- Promise?
- The air is turning vile here; let us hurry.
- Where to?
- Wherever you wish to go.
- Take me with you, and that will be where I wish to go.
Lust is a curious thing. It is a very sudden thing, and then again, it does not have to be sudden at all. There are times I think about someone who I find pretty, beautiful, and decide that I want them. However, there are other times in which these things cannot be decided. It is not that I do not find Lantis truly beautiful. I do, very much so, painfully so, in a way he reminds me of all the ephemeral things I encounter. Other times, he reminds me of something eternal, I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, and I recall I myself am temporary. Most times, it is just painful because, well, lust is just an annoyance at times. Only at times I said, and even then, a pleasant one.
I was reluctant to leave the meadow with the stranger. It might be the last time I would see this place, or any like it for as long as I would remain in my country. Next time, the grass would be yellow, if there at all, the limestone would be darkened to a soot-laden gray color, and the water would be forgotten. I realize now though that the air was in fact turning poisonous, and regardless if my unexpected visitor had come or not, I would have had to leave here. Now, thinking back to that day, I surmise, as with anything that had I left there "melancholy", I would have remained melancholy and that place would remain melancholy in my memory. The Cail made sure I left with a quite different feeling, one of nice, warm, wanting, hugging me from behind, close. Lust makes any memory so much more… if anything, so much more than simply wistful… so much more than simply pleasant.
I can never be sure of exactly what had happened that afternoon. My memories of the day are in conflict with those of Lantis, at moments. He does not remember such a conversation transpired amongst us. He has little recollection of everything before leaving the meadow. I have little memory of everything that happened afterward. In all fairness, I was trying to drive while he hugged me from behind, if anything I deserve some merit for allowing us to arrive safely to docking station 6 on level 9. All he did was enjoy the view. The spiraling cities of iron alloy below us, churning, ever noisy, ever moving, unchanging, ever changing. He stared with amazement behind me he said; very much in the same way I loved the meadow. The unique inspires awe. Warmth, on the other hand, inspires comfort, or so I was told.
so nice so warm lantis lantis what is it about you lantis so hot behind me hugging me grabbing me must drive must not think must not fall must not let you fall lantis I would never let you fall I would never let you leave lantis I want you lantis lantis sont hug me so lantis hug me more lantis why lantis why why so warm so nice so sudden powerful all of a sudden lust lantis lantis melancholy lantis why why so nice so peaceful I want to drown in your arms lantis why lantis?
As I landed my hovercraft in the previously mentioned docking station 6 of level 9, I noticed that by some sort of game of fate- Fate, most glorious fate who conspires against me daily- nobody was there to await me, to lecture me on being late for some meeting or some other function, or to greet me. All of Geo's tools were cleaned up and in their proper place; that was how Geo was, how many of us were living amongst machines, methodical. This place- fate has put some thought into destiny, it seems- would be precious for both of us. Lantis would always tell me he loved the view from here. The sky, filled with smog and vile fumes, refracted lavender light in the afternoon amongst the clouds. The city gleamed bronze. Nothing Lantis had ever seen before, something I saw everyday. Nevertheless, it was precious to me because in some odd way, it was mine. And Lantis was there, with a wondering gaze in his face, staring at beauty, and nothing could have been more beautiful to me; the light present in his eyes.
- What is with this city?
- Hm?
- Why is it this way?
- Thing are the way they are, Lantis.
- It reminds me of something.
- Of what?
- Sorrow. In a way. But also…
- What does it remind you of?
- It is so enchanting.
- Enchanting?
- It is something that is beautiful in decay, eternal without joy.
- That is a contradiction. Decay is not eternal.
- Somehow, it just is that way.
- What does it remind you of, Lantis?
He did not need to answer me then. I do not think he knew then what it was. I was tempted to say of what it reminded me, but also, I did not know quite then. "Beauty" indeed.
-tsuzuku
I apologize, I truly do. The sap and the idealization are there on purpose, because Eagle's memories idealize the moment, not because, they actually did happen that way.
C&C, editing, etc. at komagata_mai@hotmail.com.
Truly,
Mai ^_^