Author's note: I started a commentary on this fanfiction way back in 2011 at the age of fuckin 13, because that was the done thing back then lmao. I got an email the other day saying someone had left a review and I'm fucking bored enough to do it all over again. Now that I'm older and wiser, with more worldly experience (l m a o) this might be a bit funnier than it initially was. My commentary, I mean. At least I hope it was funny in the first place.
Yeah I haven't changed at all, except I'd like to think I spell a bit better.
My Immortal
Chapter 1.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) ahahaha wow ok here we fuckin go. Im gonna use get it cos im goffik as an excuse for everything now try and stop me lmao 2 my gf (ew not in that way)gotta love subtle homophobia, that's fuckin great raven, bloodytearz666 best username ever, I'm gonna tattoo it on my fuckin ass 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.:) yeah she did a great job with the spelling, is she like… dyslexic or something? U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2 I'm totally saying this to my boyfriend until the end of time! MCR ROX! I wonder what her reaction was to my chemical romance splitting up. Probably killed herself or something lmao
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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way that's a beautiful name and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name yes. She was literally fuckin born with long ebony hair. How terrifying. Maybe they fuckin used her long ass hair to yank her out of her ma's vagina. Also she literally described her black hair as ebony, like is that not black? UPDATE, I googled it, it is black. I'm smart) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back im sorry purple streaks w red tips just sounds fuckin ugly. and icy blue eyes like limpid tears RIGHT so I fuckin googled this shit (update if u google actual limpid tears all you get is this fanfic and some frankly awful fanarts. Yeah this shit has FAN ART) and what she's saying is pretty much her eyes are real clear and like, I will applaud her, that's a fuckin good adjective, well done, but the tears thing I don't get? Like she's already said her eyes are blue so why u throwing in MORE ways to say blue, (even though it's not blue, like it's clear, but I get what shes trying to say so I'll give her some leeway here), like this fuckin bitch loves describing colours with MORE colours. and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee I don't ever remember amy lee having purple streaks and red tips, or being a 17 year old british wee girl. I don't know, I don't listen to evanescence ok(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) adios amigos!. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie this girl has an incest fetish, that's cool, im not here to kinkshame, you do you, lena dunham. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.YAY TWILIGHT, lets not talk about that I have pale white skin. That's nice sweetie I'm also a witch,oh wow what an added fuckin bonus and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England we all know Hogwarts is in Scotland by now ok, lets move on where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). If she's in her seventh year, that means she's done her OWL's already and got into NEWTs. I wanna know this bitch's OWL grades, like is she secretly a fuckin genius. IMAGINE MCGONAGALL MARKING HER FUCKIN TRANSFIGURATION PAPER BYE I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) yay stereotypes and I wear mostly black.same babe, but I promise I'm not a goth, basically everyone wears black, its easy to wear. I love Hot Topic we don't have hot topic here soz and I buy all my clothes from there. AGAIN, KIDS WHO LIVE AND BREATHE HOT TOPIC ARE FUCKING CREEPY For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. Completely irrelevant since Hogwarts has a uniform but im gonna cut her some slack and assume this is the weekend I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. That's hot I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, this magical occurrence is called SLEETING, very common. which I was very happy about. Bitch, no, IT'S FUCKIN FREEZING A lot of preps stared at me. Im trying to figure out what the equivalent of preps is over here, I don't really think we have a name, they're just normal, popular kids. I put up my middle finger at them. Ow, the edge.
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME Draco Malfoy! Amazing.
"What's up Draco?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said shyly. Draco Malfoy is portrayed as arrogant and up his own ass, and no matter his faults, Draco does have a lot of confidence, he is not fucking shy.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. What, that's it? THAT WAS A FUCKING RIVETING CONVERSATION RIGHT THERE OH LORD. Also ur friends called and you have to leave? Says who? Bitch you are in a fuckin castle in the middle of a mountain, there's not many fuckin places you can go. Also is she not in slytherin? They're in the same house, they live in the same area, THEY COULD HAVE WALKED TOGETHER, HER FRIENDS COULD HAVE JOINED IN THE CONVERSATION?
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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
FANG LMAO
Chapter 2.
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! I know that this is literally just some wee girl having a laugh, writing this story but bloodytearz666 is still the best username in the world I'm jealous.
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SHE PUT A 666 IN THE PAGE BREAKER HAHAHAHAH
The next day I woke up in my bedroom. I, too, often wake in my own room It was snowing and raining again. Again, sleeting is a thing, js. I opened the door of my coffin a coffin. She sleeps in a coffin. Just let that sink in. some girl arrived at Hogwarts, carting a fucking coffin and set it up in a dorm full of girls and sleeps in it. Let me tell you something, kids are cruel. GIRLS are fucking wild. Within two weeks of her sleeping in this thing, the girls in her dorm would have duct taped the coffin shut. IT ALSO JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT THIS BITCH KNEW THE FUCKIN WEATHER WITHOUT ACTUALLY LOOKING. Like it's the UK, we don't have much variation in weather but even still. and drank some blood from a bottle I had.mmmm bottled blood, my favourite. My coffin was black ebony again with the describing colours with colours. Amazing. and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I'd imagine that was expensive I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. I cant say shit, I wear large tshirts to bed, most people do. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. Just your usual, everyday wear, y'know. Hogwarts does have a uniform though. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) OH MY GOD IT'S RAVEN! I have been WAITING for this character holy shit!woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. Wait so. Willow woke up, grinned at her mate, flipped her hair and THEN opened her eyes. That's just fucking creepy. ALSO LOOK SHE FINALLY DESCRIBED A COLOUR WITHOUT A COLOUR. WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.UNIFORM LADIES, THEY DO HAVE ONE. Its even black like, what more do you want. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) im sorry, I get really dark colours on ur lips is a thing now, but black lipstick is just a no.
"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. Did she say oh my fucking god or OH EM EFF GEE, cos that's just too much effort. But on the plus side, shout out to your mate being supportive of you getting some dick. That's what real friends do.
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. OOOOHHH GUUUURRRLL U BLUSHIN
"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. Remember when the slytherin common room was literally in the entrance hall. Just right there for fucking everyone to see. I do. Fuck actually living under a lake (which, aside from like constant damp and being really cold, sounds really fucking cool). Also she's asking her this in the slytherin dorms, where draco is, and has a lot of friends that tell him everything. By the time her mate asked this, draco already knew this conversation was happening.
"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. Jesus Christ love, she was only fucking asking.
"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. They're literally shouting this conversation and then he just happened to walk up to her – he fuckin knows.
"Hi." he said.
"Hi." I replied flirtily. Insert wink face emojis.
"Guess what." he said. See, without the question mark, this just makes it sound like he's saying it completely monotone and therefore is actually being paid by fuckin Zabini to go talk to the weird school shooter chick who everyone knows wants to ride draco.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. Oh god, remember when good charlotte was a thing? Are they still a thing? Are they even a band anymore? (UPDATE Good Charlotte are still a thing, they actually just released an album last year, who knew). Also fuckin shout out to Good Charlotte going all the way to fuckin HOGSMEADE to do a concert, that very fucking weekend. I can't even get my favourite band to come to my fucking continent damn it.
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. Yep. You guessed it. She screamed it out, for everyone to hear. Also convenient that they're your favourite band and the guy you like happened to know you like them and told you about it. Even though you have never actually spoke to him in the entire seven years you have gone to Hogwarts together. You really are the school shooter of Hogwarts, congratulations.
"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.
I gasped. OH THE SUSPENSE. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME
Chapter 3.
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. I love how she calls all the people that said nice things (a.k.a her mother, at gun point) goffiks. What if they were actually preps? YOU DON'T KNOW THEIR STORIES TARA, GOD
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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.not gonna lie, since her hair is meant to be waist long, when she said it was all spikey, I immediately thought of Bill Kaulitz circa 2008. Google him, you'll see what I mean. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.fuckin same babez, I'm doing the same thing reading this tbh. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.is this, or is this not, literally a scene from Gone Girl, I'm laughing I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. racoons are so hot Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. I usually just drink tea, but whatever
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.yeah, draco owns a flying car now. Arthur Weasley left the Ministry of Magic to start a magic car dealership, fuck wizarding laws.He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) convenient, baggy black skater pants,gross black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). not anymore
"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. Bitch you are going to see your favourite fucking band with a boy you want to fuck, lighten up.
"Hi Ebony." he said back. Riveting conversation here We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) he's pureblood, he has no idea about cars. Following canon, this is taking place in 1998 (which means good charlotte just formed and simple plan won't exist for another year and mcr doesn't form until 2001) ANYWAY, in 1998, chances are draco is actually driving a fucking 1995 Ford Mondeo. Now that's the real pussy wagon right there. (yes I actually sat and googled this shit ok, if im gonna critique something, I'm gonna get my fuckin facts right) and flew to the place with the concert. Hogsmeade is like a 10 minute walk On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. Turning into an episode of Skins When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.yeah, they literally fucking hopped. Happy Easter everyone. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. So you arrived late, despite living like right next door and then somehow managed to walk straight to the front, no fucking bother. Convenient that you missed Simple Plan, the band whose debut album isn't released until 2002, despite forming in 1999, AND they're an American band, so I would say they didn't come to the UK until around 2004 after gaining some notice and that's a push because internet still wasn't great so people in the UK would really have to dig to find them so it would actually be around 2006/2007 unless they got enough attention from opening for another group, like just from their Wikipedia page they did actually open for good charlotte in the years that this fanfiction was originally written but even then that would be only in America. I KNOW I'M PUTTING TOO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THIS BUT IT'S SOMETHING THAT REALLY IRRITATES ME.
"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). This song is called the chronicles of life and death and was released in 2004.
"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. Hogsmeade has a club now
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. Draco's a fuckin lil bitch if he gets insecure about this shit. My boyfriend is well aware I'd sell my left tit to ride tom hiddleston but that's fine cos he'd do the same for margot Robbie. You gotta put these things into perspective, it's never going to happen, but it's nice to dream.
"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.
"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. Ur in a mosh pit, this conversation isn't happening, and he's actually just being smashed against you by everyone else around you.
"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. HAHAHA oh fuck I remember that being a thing. Yeah she was 16 and he was 25. That's really fucking creepy. He's currently married to Nicole Richie, nice.
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, lmao they got so shitfaced they had to crawl back ahahah, but no seriously, don't drink and drive kids. Cars don't actually fly, you will die. but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! NO. FUCKIN. WAY.
Chapter 4.
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY I'm naming my first born Enoby, bye nut mary su remember when mary sue's were a thing.OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! Draco knows nothing about enoby. I'm aware that they knew each other from before, they're in the same house, in the same year, which means in seven years, these 10-20 odd people got to know each other in some way (I'm going by the UK school system in that there's usually 20-30 odd people in a class and classes usually consist of two houses which makes me think there's about 15 odd average slytherins who spend a good deal of their days together.)
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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" he taking you to aragog for a fuckin sacrifice bitch bye lmao
Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. He just opened the door and fuckin fell out of the car lmao I walked out of it too, curiously. Gurl ur either going to get raped or murdered, or both.
"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.
"Ebony?" he asked. Im going for raped.
"What?" I snapped.
Draco leaned in extra-close definitely rape. and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) that's fuckin creepy which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness what do I even say to that and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. Yeah shes gonna get raped.
And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. Who said romance is dead? Also this bitch was mad at him 0.2 seconds ago but suddenly this is fine? Wth? He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Wow what a slut, how dare she take off her bra Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. Amazing. This is the best smut I have ever read in my entire life, like I'm so wet right now.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…. Saucy.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
It was….Dumbledore! Dumbledore's having a bad day lmao. Also you cannot talk to school kids this way wtf
AND that's enough for today, there'll be regular updates this week. Enjoy the fuckin suspense lmao, adios!