JOE
Cobra's Infallible Plan to Take Over the World

by Gethsemane

Disclaimer: I do not own GI Joe, nor do I own the Anheuser Busch Corporation. I assigned this topic to my Creative Writers Group: Write about GI Joe in the style of a Budweiser commercial. This is my own work.

Serpantor sits wearily on his throne and sighs. He is a being created by combining the DNA of all the greatest conquerors of the world. He has cunning, logic, and panache. The one thing that didn't get passed on to him from his fathers was patience. He taps his foot constantly and picks fuzz from his cape every five minutes. Suddenly, the leaders of the Crimson Guard enter the room.

"Sire," they say in unison.

"We have acquired," Xamot begins.

"The Anheuser Busch Corporation." Tomax finishes.

"Excellent!" Serpantor hisses, "Prepare to ship Mindbender's formula to all of the Budweiser plants. With the help of the King of Beers, I will finally be Emperor of the World! This I command!"

"Wow," thinks Tomax.

"His highness actually said," continues Xamot.

"Something clever!" ends Xamot.

"As you desire," the twins say. They salute Serpantor and leave the throne room.

The docking bay at Cobra Island is swarming with foot soldiers, synthoids, and Crimson Guardsmen. They are loading crates onto ships. Serpantor strides in with Mindbender following close behind. He stops and takes in the scene. He smiles, pleased with himself.

"By slipping this mind control drug into Budweiser beer, we will take over 97.5% of the United States population overnight! This I command!"

An explosion rocks the pier, sending snakes flying in every direction. A bubble of blood bursts from Serpantor's mouth and trickles slowly down his chin, as Mindbender pulls off his face to reveal the latex face of Snake-eyes. Snake-eyes wipes his tanto on the dead man's cape and re-sheaths it.

"You killed the emperor!" cries a Crimson Guard.

"You Bastard!" cries an anonymous snake.

A legion of Joes, headed up by Shipwreck and Roadblock, swarms in shooting, beating, and stabbing everything in sight. A shady figure materializes from the shadows behind Shipwreck.

"Look out, look out!" squawks Polly. Shipwreck spins and guts Zartan with a nasty looking harpoon. Zartan sinks to the ground gasping at the dreadknoks to retreat.

"We..we've been..fighting each other for so long..." chokes the dying mercenary, "Why is it now that you choose to massacre us?"

"You can steal the wonders of the world. You can replace us with synthoids. Hell, you can even take over a small Midwestern town right under our noses!" Shipwreck snarls, "But when you mess with our brew...that's just going too far!"

"Right On!" says Roadblock, "You mess with our Bud and there's gonna be some blood!"

"Yo Joe!"


GI Joe and The Anheuser Busch Corporation would like to remind you that, while drinking is a great way to socialize and relax, it should be done responsibly. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle! Yo Joe!