Dear Sarah,

It is two weeks to the day Neil had taken his life, making the day December the twelfth.

At the desperate request of his parents, Charles Dalton has been re-enrolled into Welton Academy. He will be subject to strict probation, and will probably be required to receive psychiatric help.

Mr. Dalton is to take Mr. Perry's room, the administration having decided that his former roommate and he should not be allowed to associate.

I have received word that John has taken a job at the more liberal Devon School For Boys. The old Dead Poets Society cave is to be destroyed as soon as such arrangements can be made.

The weather has been fine here, more snow. I will be coming home over the break and look forward to seeing the children.

I remain, your loving husband,

Tom McAllistar

There was a loud knock of the door of Todd Anderson's room. He lay on Neil's bed motionless, still clad in his sweaty gym clothes, and stared at the wall where he had dented it shallowly with his fist. "Come in," he rasped hoarsely.

The door opened and the loud clump of boots on the wood resounded throughout the tiny room.

"I don't feel like talking now, Knox," Todd said softly. "I'll go to the movies with you and Chris some other time."

"Hey, Todd," came the quiet reply. The same voice that had delivered the news of Neil's death.

Todd shifted about, and there he was, standing red-faced and bleary-eyed in the center of the room. Knox stood uncomfortably behind him, dressed in his Sunday finery.

"Charlie?"

"Hey," Charlie said.

Todd got up, dazed, confused, embarrassed in his gym things. "Charlie," he repeated.

"Mr. Nolan's giving him a second chance," Knox explained as he leaned on the desk. Behind him, Meeks and Pittsy stuck their heads in the door.

"Oh," said Todd. But he felt nearly nothing, only a stirring of emptiness.

"So, you don't want to go, then?" Knox addressed Todd.

"Oh, no," Todd shook his head vigorously as Charlie set his suitcase down and wriggled out of his coat.

"OK," Knox motioned to Pitts. "Get ready, Pittsy, you're coming with me."

"All right!" Pitts crowed as the three exited the room. Meeks tactfully shut the door after them.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. Charlie hung his coat in the closet.

"You sleep in Neil's bed," he observed.

"Yeah." Todd tried to conceal his shock at the fact that Charlie had actually said Neil's name.

"So I can have the other?"

"Yeah."

The dark-haired boy thumped his suitcase on the thin mattress. "So, the Perry's got all his stuff, or what?"

"Yeah."

Charlie studied Todd. "You planning on talking to me, or just setting the record on 'Yeah'?"

Despite himself, Todd smiled. "Sorry, I just - "

"I know, I've been out of it too." He pulled out a few shirts and started folding them. "So you really let that bastard have Neil's stuff?"

Again. Todd winced. "Well, not all of it."

Charlie grinned wide. "Good man. What didja manage to pinch?"

"Just some of his shirts. His poetry notebook. Five Centuries of Verse. His script from Midsummer Night. The God of the Cave. Some photos and stuff."

"Jesus, Todd, sounds like you got most of it."

"Yeah."

"What did you do, build a shrine?"

Reluctantly, Todd got up and reached under his bed for his suitcases. Inside one, he'd arranged all of Neil's things neatly. As if the boy would come back looking for them. Charlie fingered a sweatshirt thoughtfully.

"You miss him a lot?"

Todd slammed the suitcase to conceal that he was trembling. "Course I miss him. He's – he was – my best friend."

"Mine too." Charlie flopped on his own bed and lit a cigarette. "Ever since kindergarten. I knew he was depressed, I just – I never thought he'd – you know."

"How can you be so calm about it?" Now he was shaking obviously.

Charlie shot him a look. "Listen, Todd. It's been two weeks. I'm trying to get on with my goddamn life. I'm not a damn pilot fish."

Todd wrapped his arms around his knees to steady himself. "Is that what you think I am?"

"Look. You were terrified of your own shadow. Neil practically parented you. I know how you feel; betrayed. You depended on him…"

"I loved him," Todd shot back. "I saw the light in his eyes, heard him cry at night about his stupid father. He – he helped me write, helped me make friends. We were best friends." He stressed the word again, making it into a sob.

Charlie fell silent. "I know. I've just known him for longer, I guess. I guess I saw it coming. Someone had to give, Neil or his dad."

"Yeah, well, why did it have to be Neil?" Todd wiped his nose with his sleeve, snatching a tissue from the desk. Instead of using it, though, he shredded it into tiny pills of white and twisted them in limp fingers.

"I dunno, Todd." Charlie edged over to him, sat on the bed. Todd immediately crawled over to him and tucked his head into Charlie's shoulder.

"I can't sleep. I close my eyes and there he is. Sitting at the desk, studying, reading in the cave, stealing my stuff and racing around the room." Todd choked on his words and fell to crying. "I upchuck everything I eat…"

"Hey, hey," Charlie said, hugging him reassuringly. "I know, I know, I know, hey, hey."

He cried for a few minutes longer, then stopped, worn out. "I'm glad you're here, Nwanda."

"Just call me Charlie, eh, Todd? I'm glad I'm here too."

***

Later, when all of Charlie's stuff was put away and Knox and Pitts had left for the theater in town, Todd and Charlie met Meeks in the recreation room. He was huddled in the corner near the radiator, looking over Latin notes and trying to keep his hands warm.

"Hey, guys," he said as they approached. "Take a seat."

They sat. The room was nearly empty, but immediately someone recognized Charlie and came over.

"Dalton, that really you?" It was Arnold Christie.

"It isn't God."

"Must have been an act of God to get you back here, though." Christie eased himself into a chair, thick hands on his knees. "How many months probation you on?"

"Rest of the year."

Christie whistled.

"Plus community service."

"Ouch."

"And a public apology."

There were winces all around.

"And all my free time is to be spent making Welton look young again." Charlie looked unusually cheerful. "Cleaning, painting, kitchen duty, the works. They'd make me re-roof the buildings if I had a license."

"Old Nolan's really working you over, huh," Christie commented.

"Eh, it's not so bad." Charlie shrugged. "I mean, it could be a lot worse. I'm just happy they let me back in."

"Why'd you have to go and slug Cameron anyhow, Dalton? I mean, I know he's a creep. Everyone knows that. But hey, it wasn't as if the Board was just going to let Keating pass by. He was a big player in the whole thing, and everyone knew it. Even if he wasn't responsible for Neil killing himself and all."

Todd made an odd strangling noise in his throat and Meeks glared at Christie, whose big oafish face immediately turned scarlet.

"Right. See you later, Dalton. I'll tell Specs you're back."

"So," continued Meeks after Christie had gone. Todd had lapsed into a grim silence. "They still making you take exams, Charlie?"

"Sure. After all, I only missed the review." Charlie grinned crookedly. "By the way…who's the new poetry teacher?"

"Some prune from the Board. He's big on Pritchard and the Realists, so you'd better bone up. We're getting a permanent teacher after break." Meeks blew on his chapped hands.

Todd thought of mentioning Mr. Keating's departure and the detention they'd all received for it, but it seemed like a long time ago, so he said nothing.

"One hour until lights-out, boys," growled Dr. Haeber from the hall.

Charlie yawned and stretched. "I'm beat. You guys wanna hit the sack?"

Meeks checked the wall clock. "I guess. This studying isn't going to help much."

"Exams don't start till Monday anyway."

"Yeah, well…"

"I should be the one worrying. I have an apology to write. Gotta deliver it at services Sunday morning."

Meeks looked at him over his grasshopper spectacles. "Better get cracking, then."

"Yeah." Charlie got up. "You coming, Todd?"

Todd nodded. "Goodnight, Meeks," he called softly as they went out.

"Night," the red-haired boy replied, yawning.

Back in their room, Todd changed half-heartedly into his pajamas.

"Phew," Charlie commented. "Where'd you take a bath, in the cabbage soup?"

"I haven't for five days." Todd pulled his robe on and knotted it tight.

Charlie looked over at him, tying his own robe. "Another…"

"Yeah." Todd hugged himself unconsciously. "Can't make myself do that either."

Charlie looked at his watch. "Well, we have almost an hour and I don't smell exactly like a rosebud after that ten-hour train ride. You want to jog down and give it a shot?"

"I guess." The truth was, Todd was unable to say no to Charlie. He had been able to say no to Neil, and had told him off on several occasions. But Charlie seemed genuinely determined to help. He understood what Todd was going through.

They tiptoed downstairs, not bothering to obtain permission from Haeber, and made their way to the locker rooms. Once they arrived Charlie risked a light and padded barefoot into a stall, which had been mopped dry. The weird shadows cast by the single light slipped over the green tiles and spilled onto the walls. Todd shivered. He'd never particularly liked to shower, but after Neil's death he had found it almost impossible. Just being in the locker room made him want to puke.

"Come on, Todd," Charlie encouraged. He'd stripped down to a pair of shorts and fetched several towels from a closet, and was shivering in the cold air.

Slowly Todd undressed while Charlie got the water running and jumped in. He cringed against the shower stall, several drops of water touching his skin and making gooseflesh rise.

"Come on, Todd," Charlie repeated, scrubbing his neck with a cake of soap. "You're going to get hypothermia."

Todd whimpered. He couldn't move; he saw Neil before him, shaking his wet hair like a dog. Neil, snapping a towel at his head playfully. Neil, shutting Cameron's hot water off. Neil lying naked on the floor of his father's office, brains blown out. Neil. He was shaking so badly that his teeth were clacking like castanets.

"Hey," Charlie squinted his eyes against the spray of the shower, coming at him and hugging him tightly in warm dripping arms. "Come on, Todd, you've got to do this."

"N-no, n-n-no, no, no, no," Todd whined, voice breaking. "No, Charlie, please don't make me…"

"Come on, Todd." Charlie was stronger than him, and pretty soon they were both under the warm jet of water. Unexpectedly Todd relaxed and began to cry softly, whispering in rhythm, "Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil – "

Charlie rocked him slowly, gently. "It's OK, Todd."

When his crying finally ceased Charlie took the soap and carefully washed his hair, the golden strands dark brown with moisture. Todd leaned against the slimy shower wall and allowed Charlie to wash him, and then to turn the shower off and lead him into the locker room, sit him down and towel him off. He sat numbly as Charlie dried himself, slipped behind a row of stalls to change his shorts and get into his pajamas, and returned with Todd's things.

"Think you can handle the getting dressed part?" There was only sympathy, no humor, in Charlie's voice.

"Yes," Todd hiccupped. He would retain a little self-respect.

When he came back Charlie had folded and returned their towels. He handed Todd his robe without a sound and the two returned upstairs.

In the crowded bathroom, Todd waited until all the other boys had finished brushing their teeth until he finally did so himself, not having the willpower to fight for a space. Charlie waited in the room and came out when Todd signaled it was safe. He wanted to keep his return low-key.

As Todd brushed his teeth, Knox came into the bathroom, whistling. "Chris broke up with Chet last night," he informed Todd.

Todd spit into the sink and managed a wan smile. "How was the movie?"

"Hm? What movie? Oh, that. Are you kidding? You think we watched the movie?" Knox smiled. Then his expression changed and he leaned over Todd.

"Charlie told me what happened tonight," he said, his face grim.

"Yeah?" Todd said weakly, rinsing his toothbrush. His heart was racing. He'd been so stupid to trust Charlie Dalton…

Knox slapped him on the back, laughing. "Next time you guys pull a stunt like that, bring me along. Whew! They'll never figure out how the stall floors got soaked." He frowned at himself in the mirror. "Though it was a little reckless of Nwanda. After all, he very nearly was permanently expelled."

Todd nearly collapsed in relief. "Yeah. That's what I said."

Knox sobered up and slung an arm over Todd's shoulders as he rinsed his mouth. "How are you coping, buddy?"

"Okay." Todd spit into the sink, watching the foam disappear down the drain.

"Think Charlie coming back is going to help, or make it worse?"

Todd thought about it; or at least appeared to. Really his mind was whirling so badly he couldn't think at all. He tucked his toothbrush in his robe pocket.

"Help, I guess."

"That's good. Hey - " Knox elbowed him. "If it doesn't end up helping, you can come room with me for a few nights. Hopkins would be thrilled to spend a couple nights with the legendary 'Nwanda'."

Todd laughed quietly.

Knox studied him. "You don't ever really smile anymore, Todd," he said. He turned to brush his teeth. "I myean, I jnow oo eyes ere est mends, rut…" he turned around, but Todd was gone. "Rodd?"

Todd closed the door soundlessly behind him and went immediately to his bed, crawling under the covers. Charlie was putting sheets on his bed.

"Sorry, Todd," he apologized over his shoulder. "He noticed my hair was wet and I had to tell him what was up."

"S'okay," Todd replied absently, staring at the ceiling. Neil had carved his initials into it. "Charlie?"

"Yeah."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Why do you think the rest of the guys are getting on with their lives, and I can't? How come Knox is still with Chris and Meeks is still studying and Pitts is still working on that dumb radio and you're still you and I can't even take a shower and I'm crying every five minutes?" Todd's voice broke, but he didn't cry. He was totally drained of tears.

Charlie paused. "I guess…like you said, he was your first real friend. You shared all his dreams, his room, the Dead Poets Society. You guys were constantly together. You were – sort of dependent on him, Todd. Him and Mr. Keating."

"But Mr. Keating's still alive and Neil's - "

"Yeah, I know, it's not the same. But it'll get better with time."

"Lights out," barked Dr. Haeber from the hall. Charlie went over and flipped the light switch, then lit a cigarette. Todd followed the glow as it moved from the door back over to Charlie's bed.

"Charlie?"

"Yeah." His voice was distinctly sleepier.

"They're blowing up the cave tomorrow morning."

There was a long pause. "Yeah, I know."

Todd shifted. "The guys and I - "

"Can't, Anderson. I've got kitchen duty for the rest of my life."

"Oh."

"Goodnight," said Charlie, a sort of apology.

"Goodnight," Todd whispered, though he knew he would not sleep.