PROLOUGE
The cold wind ruffled and swayed the robe of Saruman the White as he walked up the stone road to Barad-Dur, home to the Dark Lord Sauron. Everywhere fell orcs and other dark beings scurried about, occasionally trying to snap at the wizard or making comments about his robe.
At last, Saruman reached the oaken door of Barad-Dur. Turning back, he screamed to the orcs, "IT'S NOT A DRESS!" before opening the door and walking in to the infamous tower.
"At last, you have come," a voice, hollow as the space between Bush's ears, rasped.
Saruman sat down in a chair frowning. "I would have been earlier if your @#$% orcs hadn't kept making comments about my robe."
"Well," said the voice, "I can see their point. I mean, honestly Saruman, WHITE? It looks like you're a bride-to-be."
The wizard jumped up, his eyes blaring. "We've been over this before: I'm not an elf, and therefore I'm not gay! I can't be held responsible because Tolkein picked white for my robes! It's better then pink, anyway."
A giant eye, wreathed in flame, appeared in the alter ahead of Saruman. "Shut up!" it yelled. "Do you want to get sued? Don't mention Tolkein."
"Fine," said the wizard, sitting back down. "Why have you summoned me?"
The eye of Sauron rotated in its socket before turning upon Saruman the White. "Well, as you know," it said, "the latest upgrades to my contact lenses allow me to see through time, space, metals, rock, cloth-"
Saruman's hands flew to the lower part of his robe.
"STOP IT!" the eye yelled. "I'm not gay! Besides, you're the one wearing the dress."
"ROBE!" yelled Saruman, relaxing his hands. "Now go on."
Sauron cleared whatever it was that he had for a throat. "Well, using my new lenses, I was able to discover that the possessor of the ring of power has slipped into Upper Earth in a desperate attempt to keep the ring from me. He has gone to a small place known as Maryland, and is currently hiding in a school in that land. If we are to retrieve the ring, we must go to that school and take it by force."
"So?"
Sauron rolled his eye, which looked very strange indeed and nearly caused Saruman to send his lunch up for a return trip down the throat. "Well, I can't go can I? A disembodied eye doesn't often decide to go to school in Middle Earth, much less Upper."
A small candle appeared above Saruman's head. "You want me to go, don't you?"
The word "duh" appeared in flame above the wizard's head. "No," said Sauron, "I want to hold your hand while you go to the toilet!"
"Really?" said Saruman.
"NO!" bellowed the eye, turning a deeper shade of red then before, if possible. "Go to Maryland immediately and deal with Frodo and the ring- or I'll have your head!"
A giant foot appeared in the air and removed Saruman from the Dark Lord's presence via a swift kick. Watching him soar through the air, Sauron shook his head. "Our cause is lost."
The cold wind ruffled and swayed the robe of Saruman the White as he walked up the stone road to Barad-Dur, home to the Dark Lord Sauron. Everywhere fell orcs and other dark beings scurried about, occasionally trying to snap at the wizard or making comments about his robe.
At last, Saruman reached the oaken door of Barad-Dur. Turning back, he screamed to the orcs, "IT'S NOT A DRESS!" before opening the door and walking in to the infamous tower.
"At last, you have come," a voice, hollow as the space between Bush's ears, rasped.
Saruman sat down in a chair frowning. "I would have been earlier if your @#$% orcs hadn't kept making comments about my robe."
"Well," said the voice, "I can see their point. I mean, honestly Saruman, WHITE? It looks like you're a bride-to-be."
The wizard jumped up, his eyes blaring. "We've been over this before: I'm not an elf, and therefore I'm not gay! I can't be held responsible because Tolkein picked white for my robes! It's better then pink, anyway."
A giant eye, wreathed in flame, appeared in the alter ahead of Saruman. "Shut up!" it yelled. "Do you want to get sued? Don't mention Tolkein."
"Fine," said the wizard, sitting back down. "Why have you summoned me?"
The eye of Sauron rotated in its socket before turning upon Saruman the White. "Well, as you know," it said, "the latest upgrades to my contact lenses allow me to see through time, space, metals, rock, cloth-"
Saruman's hands flew to the lower part of his robe.
"STOP IT!" the eye yelled. "I'm not gay! Besides, you're the one wearing the dress."
"ROBE!" yelled Saruman, relaxing his hands. "Now go on."
Sauron cleared whatever it was that he had for a throat. "Well, using my new lenses, I was able to discover that the possessor of the ring of power has slipped into Upper Earth in a desperate attempt to keep the ring from me. He has gone to a small place known as Maryland, and is currently hiding in a school in that land. If we are to retrieve the ring, we must go to that school and take it by force."
"So?"
Sauron rolled his eye, which looked very strange indeed and nearly caused Saruman to send his lunch up for a return trip down the throat. "Well, I can't go can I? A disembodied eye doesn't often decide to go to school in Middle Earth, much less Upper."
A small candle appeared above Saruman's head. "You want me to go, don't you?"
The word "duh" appeared in flame above the wizard's head. "No," said Sauron, "I want to hold your hand while you go to the toilet!"
"Really?" said Saruman.
"NO!" bellowed the eye, turning a deeper shade of red then before, if possible. "Go to Maryland immediately and deal with Frodo and the ring- or I'll have your head!"
A giant foot appeared in the air and removed Saruman from the Dark Lord's presence via a swift kick. Watching him soar through the air, Sauron shook his head. "Our cause is lost."