Holiday Programming

by Sainte Matthewe

Three original characters, La Atressa, Sainte Matthewe, and Elenni decide to go caroling, but when FF7's Nanaki and Sephiroth turn up missing, plans change.

Holiday Programming

By Sainte Matthewe and La Atressa de la Mente

Special Thanx to Author Lady for having saved this story when the rest of us morons didn't.



Vincent Valentine, the mighty ex-TURK, stood staring at the telephone. He knew exactly what it was, and how to operate it, but now it was behaving strangely. It had just beeped at him, and Atressa's voice was emanating from it. She was saying, "Hello, you've reached the home of Sra. Atressa de la Mente. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave your name, number and a message, so that I am able to return your call. Thank you."

The phone beeped ominously a second time. Vincent's ruby eyes widened as the machine spoke in a new voice. "Hey, Atressa, its Sainte Matthewe. Pick up the blower. I know you're home; your phone was busy not fifteen seconds ago." The machine sighed. "Well, anyway, I am here at Lestat's flat with him, Louis, and Elenni. We want you to go caroling with us. If you don't return this call by the time Elenni is finished with.with.with. whatever the heck she is doing, we are coming over there to toiletpaper your flat!" the odd machine declared forcefully.

Another voice mumbled through it, and the voice that identified itself as Sainte Matthew returned, "What? I know its a childish threat, but effective."

The masculine voice that had murmured seconds ago returned, and answered, "I am not commenting upon its effectiveness, I was simply commenting upon its infantile nature." Then, the machine of a thousand voices beeped a third time.

Vincent glared suspiciously at the possessed machine, and shrieked at the top of his lungs, "Atressa!!"

"Whaaaat?" came the annoyed reply from the real La Atressa, who was busy watching the adorable Mokona dancing around on a videocassette of Magic Knight Rayearth in the living room.

"Your telephone is possessed." he answered calmly, aiming and nudging the hammer back on his revolver.

Hearing the gun cock, Atressa raced into the room, shouting, "Don't shoot it!!"

Vincent lowered the gun. "Why?"

"'Cause its not possessed! It's just my answering machine!"

Vincent looked a little sheepish. "I may never get used to your world."

"I'll say the same about yours." La Atressa laughed. "Anyhow, that's just this crazy-but-useful device for allowing people to leave verbal messages when I'm not here, eliminating the need for them to call repeatedly, without success."

Vincent stared at her. "Why would you need to do that anyhow?"

"Things are very different here. Yeah, yeah, I know in the Cetra World ya only need to pick up the PHS command and you'll get your party, but here, if someone else is calling at the same time you're trying to get through, then you'll get what's called a busy signal. That sounds like the noise you used to hear for weather cancellations."

"??????????"

"Um...........it's a rapid beeping. 'Kay?"

"Oh. Ok." Vincent replied, more confused than ever.

"Well, we'd better call Sainte Matthewe back before she TP's my place. Though.........how do you TP a penthouse in the tallest apartment building in Neo-Babylon?" La Atressa grasped the black phone in her hand and punched in some numbers.

On the other end of the line, a deep male voice with an accent that absolutely oozed 'FRENCH' answered, "Allo? Chez de Lioncourt. Lestat speaking."

"Hey, Lestat. Is Sainte there?" replied Atressa.

"Gimmie a second, Atressa." Lestat answered, immediately recognizing her voice.

After a short period of scuffling, and the sound of Lestat shouting, Atressa was rewarded by Sainte Matthew's familiar voice. "Yo, Atressa!"

"Yo, yourself."

" Talk about a bad pick-up line. So, are ya commin'?"

"You bet. Maybe I can persuade Vincent to come caroling with us. I'll be over in a bit."

"'Kay. See ya... Oh, and it's pretty warm here. Dress for the weather."

"Caroling?" interrupted Vincent.

La Atressa just nodded, still listening to Sainte Matthewe on the other end. "Say what? It's like, 20 degrees F out there!!! Right. What was Elenni doing anyhow............."

"......"

Using her vivid imagination, La Atressa filled in the blank. "OH!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, um, well, that's.....er, interesting. Do the BSB's know about this yet?" She grinned at Vincent, who looked somewhere between puzzled and utterly lost.

A simpering silence was Sainte's answer

"Heh heh! DIDN'T THINK SO.Right. So, what'll we do when we get there? Run around like idiots, praising Bioshounen, games, music, and speaking foreign tongues?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Well, um....see ya'll in a few!" With that, she hung up the phone and turned to face Vincent, who was giving her a VERY quizzical look.

"What's 'Caroling'?" he inquired.

Atressa stared at him for a moment, then glanced over at her climbing cat. "Well.......um....well, it's fun! Ok?!"

Vincent nodded uncertainly.

"C'mon! Grab your cloak and lezzgo singin'!!!!!!!!!"

"SINGING?!!!!!!!?!!!!!!"

"Yeah! You have a great voice, so what are you so scared about?"

"SINGING?!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Iz what I zaid!!!!!! Now, c'mon!"

"SINGING?!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sighing, La Atressa faced him, continuing to button her floor length black leather coat. "Oh, c'mon Vincent! It'll be fun! It's a new experience para ti!!!!"

"SINGING?!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The pair arrived at Lestat's flat within a short period of time. Atressa knocked on the door and turned to Vincent. "Phew! She wasn't kidding when she said it was warm over here!" As she peeled off her jacket, she continued, "And please behave."

A small smile turned up the corners of his mouth. "Who me?" he asked innocently.

Before the girl could reply with another snide comment, the door opened and Sainte Matthewe appeared. "Hey-hey! Bien venue, Atressa!" Turning to Vincent, Sainte said brightly, "And you must be Vincent! Good to finally meet ya.... Well, come on in. The others are in the parlor." Sainte stepped aside to allow the pair entrance.

As soon as they were shown into the parlor, Sainte pulled Atressa aside, while Lestat did the introductions. "Hey, Atressa. We brought only Vincent back from that other world, right?" Sainte asked, cautiously.

Unsure of where this was all headed, Atressa simply nodded.

"Okay. Then you need to see this." Sainte lead Atressa over to a door and from behind it, pulled an impossibly lengthy longsword. "This", she began without preamble, "I found on my doorstep this morning."

"That looks like 'Michael'." replied Atressa, referring obliquely to Sainte's own longsword.

"Its not. My sigil isn't on the pummel... It's miles too long..." Sainte murmured, gazing down its razor edge.

"I know whose it is..." came a dark voice behind them. The two girls spun around to face Vincent as he continued. "Its Sephiroth's."

"SEPHIROTH?!!!!!!!!!" Sainte and Atressa shrieked at the same time.

"Who is that?" Elenni inquired from the couch, where she was watching the BSB's Christmas Video for the 95th time.......that day.

"He's that bad-guy from your world....right Vincent?" Louis, unnoticed until then asked.

Vincent nodded. "But he's supposed to be dead. Only the WEAPONS could begin to survive the onslaught we brought onto him when we defeated him at the Crater..."

"And he couldn't have come to this world anyhow...unless someone learned our secrets and summoned him..." La Atressa murmured.

Sainte scratched her head in a rather Cloud-like gesture. "Who'd want to summon him anyhow?"

"PLENTY of lovesick girls! Haven't you seen some of those SHRINES to him?!!!!!! Or someone who wants to use his powers to control the world." replied Atressa thoughtfully.

"Do you think it would've been possible for him to...have come to your world through his own powers?" Vincent cocked his head to one side.

The two writers looked at each other. "Dunno." Sainte said. "What'cha think, Atressa?"

"Well, I guess. That's how it happens in a lot of my stories..."

"In any case, why would he leave his sword with us?" Lestat wondered.

"Good point!" Louis said brightly, but his continence quickly darkened for lack of an answer.

"What are you all talking about?" Elenni demanded, now involved in the conversation.

"Well, he left it in the back of the Old President Shin-Ra once......and you can win a Masamune at the Golden Saucer's battle arena...although, I doubt it's a duplicate. it doesn't look like pot metal.Vince, is it? A duplicate, I mean." Sainte babbled.

The raven-haired man took the sword from Sainte and studied it long and hard. Finally, he looked up and shook his head. "I'm only an expert with guns, but this weapon has been heavily used. Look at these nicks on the blade! Also, those 'fakes' you win at the Saucer are of low-grade metal. This stuff isn't as shiny, but see?! My claw can't even make a mark!"

"How'd ya get that anyhow?" Elenni asked.

"The claw? Long story."

"Oh." And she went back to her video.

"I know that I can make a mark on it if it were a fake because I tried it once on one Yuffie had."

"Yuffie?" wondered Sainte Matthew

"Yeah. She used the THROW command Materia to hurl the fakes at enemies to cause damage."

"Whadda waste!" Atressa exclaimed, folding her arms. "But anyway.... now we hafta ask...WHAT IS SEPHIROTH DOING HERE?!!!!!!!!!"

"Um.......well, besides making the plot more interesting....I haven't the foggiest." Sainte said.

Everyone was silent for a moment, and then Atressa spoke again. "Who said it had to be Sephiroth? V! What happened to Masamune after you guys defeated Sephy?"

Vincent blinked. "Um..........I don't know. I told you how we were nearly all consumed by the Planet, and saved by the Highwind... Obviously at the time, escape was more important than Masamune...or anything else Sephiroth had on him..."

"Or that weird choir group..." Atressa added.

"Choir group?" Sainte asked puzzled.

"Yeah. They sing this cheesy opera while Vince and his crew fought Sephy."

Vincent nodded.

"If you say so." Sainte answered with a shrug.

"I do."

Elenni spoke up again. "Um, guys? Are we ever gonna go caroling?"

The writers, the vampires and the person-who-may-or-may-not-be-a-vampire- from-FF7 all looked at one another.

"Well," Sainte said. "If what you say is true, it probably isn't Sephiroth......so, we probably don't have much to worry about...."

"Yuffie or Cait Sith playing practical jokes most likely." added Vincent.

"Yeah, so lezzgo caroling!" Atressa exclaimed.

"Lemme finish watching this video!" Elenni called out. Everyone else sighed.

Louis came over, took the sword from Vincent, and began to study it. He was playing around with the leather handgrip at the huge katana's hilt, when it rolled up like a window blind, smacking him on the nose. "OW!!!!!!!!!" Lestat rolled his eyes as the others jumped back.

"What did you do NOW Louis?!" he demanded irately.

"I didn't do anything! It just......" Louis began to protest.

"Look! A piece of paper fell out of the sword!" Sainte exclaimed.

"A piece of ratty paper!" Atressa added.

"A piece of ratty yellow paper!" Vincent said as he bent to pick it up from the floor. "Like the ones Hojo used..."

"JERK!!!!!!!!" Atressa screeched. "Hojo I mean...."

"Uh huh...."

"What does it say?" Elenni called out.

"Well," Vincent began. "It reads 'Behind the Ivory's short of tea and ray.' Whatever that means.. But it does sound kinda familiar..."

Lestat snorted. "You'd think the last thing that this person would wanna be is obscure."

"Or the first thing."chimed Elenni.

Sainte muttered, "Right 36, left 10, right 59, and right 97.. Damn, overshot it again!"

"Pardon?" queried Vincent with a slightly perplexed look on his pale visage.

Atressa smiled benignly. "The combination to the safe, open it to find Lost Number and the Key." she replied.

"Pardon?" Vincent asked again.

"That's one of the clues that lead Cloud and his minions to you." answered Atressa, sweetly.

Vincent shook his head as Sainte commanded softly, "Turn the page over, man." He complied, and found himself confronted by spidery scrawls spelling out "HELP" Vincent narrowed his eyes and demanded furiously, "WHAT KIND OF CRUEL STUNT IS THAT STUFFED SPY OR THAT LITTLE THEIF TRYING TO PULL?!?!?!!!!!!"

The entire group fell silent, including Elenni. In the next instant, a knock sounded on the door, causing everyone to jump.

After recovering from his startlement, Louis smiled, and said, "I'll get that." As he slipped away, the others continued to comment on the recent events.

"This does not sit very well with me." Sainte stated dully.

Atressa shook her head. "Me neither. This is not the kinda prank Yuffie or Cait Sith would do."

"Well, the first thing that we need to figure out is who sent the blade. Obviously, it is from someone associated with this Sephiroth character, if not the man, himself. If it is truly a cry for help, the last thing they'd want to be is obscure." said Lestat, the voice of reason.

"Right!" replied Sainte, as she sharply nodded her head.

"The paper gives me an idea." Lestat continued to reason. "Vincent, do you recognize the handwriting?"

"Well, the thing about Ivory and tea is in Hojo's script, but the other, I do not recognize at all." Vincent trailed off and continued to study the word scrawled upon the blank side.

From the doorway, Louis' voice wafted softly, "Um. Sainte.? Vincent.? Atressa.? I do believe it is for you."

The three summoned, Lestat, and Elenni, all sprinted for the door. When they arrived, a large pile of black cloth greeted them. Vincent bent down to pick it up. A thick strand of silver hair, and another piece of the ratty, yellow paper tumbled out of it, and came to rest upon the dark man's left boot.

"Sephiroth's Black Cloak?" asked Sainte, barely loud enough to be heard.

Vincent nodded slowly.

For a moment, all was silent for a moment, and then Atressa spoke. "Then.so, Sephiroth is running around the city, WITHOUT HIS CLOTHES?!!!!!!!!!!" Sainte and Elenni began to giggle at the thought, while their vampire friends just shrugged, wordlessly. Vincent had picked up the note and was beginning to read it.

"So, what does it say?" Louis inquired.

After a moment, Vincent finally said, "I have no clue."

"Huh?!"

"It's some sort of gibberish.and on BOTH sides!"

"Lemme see!" Atressa and Sainte cried at the same time, though it was Sainte who ended up with the paper scrap. She stared at it a moment before finally handing it to Atressa. "I havn't got a clue." she muttered.

"Neither do I." Atressa handed the scrap to Lestat.

The blonde man scratched his head, also in a manner much like that of Cloud, though he did not know it. "Louis?"

Louis couldn't comprehend the nonsensical scratching, nor could Elenni. "Maybe it's one of those things that are written just to confuse you." she suggested.

"Maybe.." the others murmured.

Suddenly, Vincent had a revelation! "Nanaki!" he cried, his red eyes lighting as if in flames. "This is the same sort of manner in which Nanaki writes!"

"Nanaki can write?" Sainte cocked her brow.

"With his claws.or his tail."

"Wouldn't that set the paper aflame?"

"We're talking about Nanaki here."

"So?"

".Don't ask. You'll just keep yourself up all night asking questions for which there are no logical answers."

"A lot like this puzzle." grumbled Sainte as she shrugged nonchalantly, gazing out the open portal. She looked up and down the nearly disserted street. Only a woman in a black tunic occupied a place upon the lonely lane.

"Hey, Sainte! Who is that?" wondered Elenni, spying the same person.

"Oh, her?" Sainte shrugged again. "She's the mysterious Lady In Black. Her appearance is just a pointless cameo, with no other purpose than to add a bit of weirdness to the background."

"Oh. I did not know that."

"Well, now you do."

Much to Sainte's surprise, the 'Lady In Black' chose that moment to approach the group crowded in the doorway. "Children of many worlds," she began. "A great and terrible force opposes you."

"Greater than the Good Man?" interrupted Sainte Matthewe, the problems of her Barony weighing on her mind.

The Lady was nonplussed by the interruption. "That mad minion of the Tower is nothing compared to the One you will face."

Vincent looked up from the sheet of paper. "Ma'am, who or what are we up against?" he asked.

The Lady shook her head. "I cannot answer that. You'll keep yourself up all night asking questions for which there are no logical answers." she replied, throwing his own words back at him. With that, the Lady In Black turned and began to walk away.

"Wait, Madame!" exclaimed Louis. "Can you at least tell us your name?"

The Lady turned back and smiled at the dark-haired Vampire. "Certainly. I am known as 'The Lady In Black' or Anne Rice."

A dark look of perplexity danced across Louis' face as the Lady walked away, again. "Mon Dieu! That name sounds familiar."

Atressa glared at Sainte. " 'Pointless cameo'?!"

Sainte smiled innocently. "Okay, not so pointless, but a cameo none the less."

"Vague." announced Elenni, who was not in the least impressed by the occurrence.

Atressa snorted indignantly. "Yeah. She was a big help, wasn't she?"

An odd look crossed her face, as Sainte gazed over at Atressa and Elenni. "That's what you think."

"What do you mean by that?" demanded Lestat, as he stared after the departing 'Lady In Black'.

"Well, think about it. She ruled out local annoyances. I mean things that threaten one world, like the Good Man threatens only the Three Kingdoms of this particular plane." Sainte explained.

No satori of enlightenment washed over Lestat. "And that means.?"

"Don't look at me. I don't have the FOGGIEST what she's yattering about!" Atressa grumbled.

"Sainte or Anne?" he asked.

"Both of them."

"Oh."

"Hey!" Elenni exclaimed, "How did we get outside?"

"Um." Everyone said together as they looked around, no longer seeing the creature comforts of Lestat's home.

"Yes, well, never mind that now." Sainte said. "Moving right along."

"What'cha mean, never mind? We're outside and we have no recollection of going there!" Vincent exclaimed. "Sainte, is this some joke of yours?"

"Moi?! Non! Its just." she trailed off, trying to think of a way to explain the occurrence without confusing him. "Um. one of the quirks of living in the End-World." she finished with a smile.

Atressa shook her head. "Whatever. Like, let's just see if we can figure out this friggin' mystery."

"Yeah! So we can go caroling!" Elenni grinned hopefully at her friends, who had the faces of statues.

"Yes. Well."

"You mentioned some Nanaki guy earlier, right?" Louis stated.

"Yeah.Sainte, what'cha say we summon him up and see if he has a clue as to what's happening."

"Good idea, Atressa. Ok.you or me?"

"Well, not to brag, but my connections to that world are stronger than yours since I've spent far more time there."

"Alright. You summon him."

"Summon?"

"Yeah. Summon.Just watch, Vincent, ok?" So saying, Atressa took out her notebook and scrawled something down on it. The portal shown white then faded back to blue. That was it. The flame-tailed genius did not appear, as he should have.

"Well? Where is he?"

Atressa stared at the portal. "Um.I don't know. He should have come through. Maybe my pen is defective. You try, Sainte."

"Deck the halls with BSB." Elenni sang absently.

Sainte Matthewe shrugged, and dug in her pockets for a notepad and pen. When she found them, she flipped the notepad open, and uncapped her pen. As she wrote, two pillars appeared, one white and one black, and between them swirled a pale mist. The group heard a ringing sound, followed by a loud click. A nasal voice sounded through the mist. "The number you have dialed is not allowed for this service. Please check the number and dial again." Again, Nanaki did not appear.

Sainte Matthewe closed her notepad, and recapped her pen. The pillars slowly faded from view, as Sainte slowly blinked at her dying creation. "That was the strongest type of Gate I know. That Gate could even bring Aeris back. What in the Hells is wrong?" she muttered, and followed it by a long string of obscenities in every language she knew.

Vincent's bright eyes widened to seemingly three times their normal size. He was quite taken aback by the writer's explicit language. "Wow! I thought I had heard everything from Cid.. I mean.. My goodness!" He took an involuntary step backwards onto Elenni's feet. She yelped, and he sheepishly apologized.

"MERDE!" Sainte exclaimed when she finally ran out of vulgarities.

Louis shook his head. "Someone's been spending too much time around foul-mouthed Space pirates." he gently chided.

Sainte glared, and promptly began cursing him in Standard Voltarian, the most common language for Space pirates.

"SAINTE MATTHEWE!" Atressa shouted over the waves of obscene words. "Calm DOWN! He is NOT the enemy, here! We have other things to do that stand here and listen to you spout GIBBERISH!"

"That was not 'gibberish'!" Sainte protested weakly.

Vincent shook his head. "It doesn't matter. Atressa's right. We really need to figure out what's going on."

"Right." said Lestat as he sharply nodded his head. "Let's look at it from a logical point of view."

"As if there could be any such thing." Louis snidely interrupted.

"Good point, but irrelevant." replied Lestat. Undeterred, he continued. "Let's take a look at the evidence, what we do know." He sighed. "We are presented with Sephiroth's sword, a note, with 'help' written on one side, and some weird phrase on the other. We also have Sephiroth's Black Cloak and yet another note, with strange writing on it, apparently done by this Nanaki person."

The others nodded sharply, and chorused, "Right."

Lestat continued his speech. "We are also presented with the fact that the efforts of Atressa and Sainte to 'summon' said Nanaki had failed. Now, does anyone have any idea what this all could mean?"

"I... Uh... Not really." the group answered in unison.

Lestat set his mouth in a straight line. "Oh, great. You guys are a real help."

"That's what we're here for!" Atressa grinned. Then, getting a serious look on her face, she said, "Well, so why would Nanaki not be able to come through the gate? I mean, my spell was such that he couldn't help but be dragged in." Sainte nodded. "So.that means that...well, he must be attached to something so large that it also couldn't fit through the gate.or that he's in a spectral or dismembered shape."

"Dismembered?!!!" Vincent panicked.

"Don't worry! It's highly unlikely!" Atressa smiled at him. "More likely, he's just attached to something. But WHAT is the question."

"Like, with a rope?" Elenni inquired.

"Could be."

"Hmmm."

Louis startled the silence and everyone else, who up til then had been lost in thought. "This may sound crazy, but, maybe instead of bringing them to us, we should go to them!"

"To Nanaki and Sephiroth you mean?" Louis nodded at Sainte. "I don't know.we don't even know where they are exactly!"

"We could look in the Cetras' World for a lead at least." Vincent suggested. "Especially in Cosmo Canyon. The Elders would most certainly know the general whereabouts of their Guardian and Spiritual Leader!"

"Yeah.are there any good singers in the Cetras' World?"

"Not that I know of, Elenni. And anyhow, what do you think, Sainte? Lestat? Louis?"

The two vampires shrugged as Sainte closed her eyes and debated. After a time, she finally said, "It's worth a try. I'll summon up the gate." The white haired girl withdrew her writing utensils and paper once more and began to write. A less ornate pair of pillars appeared this time, as no one was totally dead in the group.only a few of the un-dead. "Those bound for Cosmo Canyon, please board now!" Sainte quipped in a flat monotone. One by one, the group entered into the yawning mouth of the portal.

La Atressa stepped bravely through the thickening mist between the two pillars, followed closely by a slightly dazed Elenni. As they disappeared into the cloud, the gentlemen exchanged dubious glances. After a moment, they cautiously followed the others, for they were not about to be out-braved by girls. Smiling to herself, Sainte shouted, "All aboard for Cosmo Canyon and points beyond." and she stepped into the mist.

Inside the mists, Sainte called to the other travelers. "Thank-you for choosing End-World Airlines. If you look to your left and right, you will see the Void. I caution you not to place arms or heads outside the mist."

Far ahead of the witty writer, Elenni called back, "Is that what happened to your hair?"

Sainte wrinkled her nose in distaste and was about to answer when Atressa beat her to it. "Hey! We're here!" A bright light surrounded the party, and once it cleared, they found themselves beneath a great stone archway that was painted with the letters, "Cosmo Canyon".

"Well, it is safe to say that we made it." Vincent announced with a small amount of relief in his quiet voice.

As the man in red and black spoke, Sainte turned around and closed down her creation. "Thank-you for choosing End-World Air. Have a good stay." She then made her way up to the front of the group to where Atressa was being approached by a very tall and very muscular man.

Upon seeing the newcomers, the man greeted them. "Welcome to Cosmo Canyon." His calm hazel eyes looked over the odd conglomeration of 'people' once, and recognized La Atressa and Sainte Matthewe. "Oh! Atressa! Sainte! Good to see you!"

Atressa nodded. "Good to see you too, Tyrone."

"You're here to see Nanaki, aren't you?"

This time, Sainte nodded. "We were slightly worried about him after we attempted to speak with him, and he did not answer."

The big man shrugged. "No one has seen the Guardian for days. His grandfather is worried sick." He shook his head. "No one knows where he is." Tyrone trailed off, as a dark look crossed his craggy face like a cloud passing before the sun. After a moment, the sun returned, and he continued. "But, Bugenhagen will certainly be happy to see such friendly faces."

The two writers nodded in unison, as the Tyrone stepped aside to allow the group entrance. As they passed into the canyon, he bid them, "Have a pleasant and informative stay!"

Atressa and Sainte lead the way to the stairwell carved into one of the walls. At the top of the box canyon, they came to the door of the huge planetarium. The sextet gathered around it, and just as Atressa began to rap her knuckles on the wooden door, Elenni asked brightly, "So, what are we going to sing?"

The other members exchanged bewildered glances, as the door opened, and a deceptively frail man appeared in the doorframe. Lestat and Louis glanced over at the elderly man, then burst out singing in surprisingly lovely tenor voices. "Noël nouvolet, Noël chantons ici." For the next line, Sainte added her higher contralto. "Dévoté gens crions à Dieu merci. Chantons Noël, pour le roi nouvolet. Noël nouvolet, Noël chantons ici." While half the group was singing, the other half refrained from doing so, because they knew neither the words to the spooky sounding song, nor their meaning.

Clearly delighted, the aged man began to applaud. "Hoo, hoooo! Wonderful, wonderful! Thank you very much, children." He said, lightly. Spying Atressa and Sainte, he flitted over to them, and embraced them as if they were kin. To Sainte he said, "One of these days, my dear, you have to give me a translation to that. It was lovely." He turned to Atressa, and said, "Ah, and La Atressa! So good to see you!"

Atressa smiled. "As it is to see you, Grandfather!"

"Hi! I'm Elenni!" said the girl who was standing behind Sainte. "Do you have any good-looking bands around here?"

"Bands?"

"Yeah! You know! A group of singers.preferably young men?"

The old man scratched his head. "If you're looking for that, you'd best check Midgar.this is only a town of Observation."

"Midgar? Ok! Great! Bye!" Sainte grabbed her by the end of her short, auburn hair as she began to skip off. "????!!! SAINTE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Amidst all the chaos, a voice rang out. "Bugenhagen!" The short figure stared past the struggling Elenni, towards the speaker. Seeing him, the old man's face broke out in a huge grin.

"Why, Vincent Valentine! Long time, no see, hoo hooo!!!!" The tall figure nodded, a little embarrassed. "You're looking well!"

"I, thank you."

"And who are these young men?" Bugenhagen smiled warmly at the two figures next to the raven-haired man.

"Je m'appelle Lestat." said the curly-haired blond. "And this is Louis."

"Pleased to meet you." the other vampire said, slightly bowing.

"Why, the honour is all mine!" The old man laughed merrily. "And so, what is it that brings you here? Surely you weren't here just to sing for an old man!"

"Well, why wouldn't we be?" Elenni inquired.

La Atressa ignored her. "Yeah, well, we're looking for your grandson."

"Nanaki? Aye, I was wondering about him myself. No one's seen him for days!"

"Uh...how many?" The girl pulled out a notebook and a pen and began jotting things down.

"Well, since Tuesday last."

"A week then?"

"Yes..he was going out in the desert to suppress some rowdy Desert Sahagins.and hasn't been seen since."

Louis cocked his head to one side, looking strangely like a chocobo. "Desert WHAT?!"

"Sahagins.annoying little critters with sand guns." Sainte sniffed. "They have weaker cousins that live in the sewers of Midgar."

Elenni made a face "Sewers?!!! GROSS!!!"

"Sahagins.hmmm...."

"Yes, you've fought them with my grandson, Vincent! Are they.difficult?"

"To defeat? Not particularly.but they are annoying." His handsome face darkened to a scowl. "Everytime you go to hit them, they hide inside their shells. Still, a good spell is all it takes to destroy them, and of all of AVALANCHE, Nanaki was one of the best users of materia!"

"Maybe he went on a spirit walk!" Atressa suggested.

"Or got lost!" Elenni shrugged.

"Doubtful." Bugenhagen replied. "Nanaki knows this area like the back of his paw! But..I wonder how it is you came to worry about Nanaki in the first place."

Atressa looked up from her notes. "Well now, that's a very interesting story."

"Have you noticed any odd.quarks in the Lifestream as of late?" Vincent interrupted.

Bugenhagen looked slightly taken aback. "Well." he replied, as he began to stare off into space, his spidery hands folded behind his back.

While the frail man thought, Louis was quietly observing his new and unusual surroundings. Hanging upon a hook on the far wall, a pair of ancient gunbelts hung like a trophy. In each of the holsters, a timeless gun with worn sandalwood grips that emitted a quiet, malevolent glow sat coldly glinting in the light. Once Louis' smiling green eyes fell upon them, he stopped smiling. He glided silently over to Sainte's side, and whispered, "Tu connais ces revolvers, ne c'est pas?"

Sainte looked away from the pondering sage, and gazed over to where the dark vampire was pointing. Her eyes landed upon the hanging guns. "Euh. Oui." Her eyes widened in shock. "Those belong to Roland of Gilead. The last gunslinger of." She trailed of realizing that she had interrupted the conversation between Vincent, La Atressa, and Bugenhagen. She blushed. "I'm sorry, but I know the person who owns those guns."

Bugenhagen laughed, nonplussed. "Hoo, hooo! I'm so glad you reminded me! To answer your question, Vincent, yes. There have been several disturbances in the Lifestream. The latest of which, I assume heralded your arrival. In fact, those guns appeared at the Canyon entrance shortly after one of those. Hoo, hooo!" The frail sage explained.

At these words, Elenni crossed her arms and pouted. "At this rate, we'll NEVER get this mystery solved."

Lestat grinned. With his December blue eyes sparkling mischief, he said to Elenni, "No worries. It's always a bad guy in a mask."

Sainte shrugged and replied, "Mebbeso, mebbeno. To be quite frank, the way things are going, I doubt if I would be surprised if Cloud showed up lugging a baseball cap and spiked shoes."

"Where does THAT come from?" Lestat asked. A look of perplexity dashed across the blond man's face, and he scratched the back of his head in a familiar gesture. The resemblance between the Anne Rice hero and the dunce from Final Fantasy VII was emphasized by the state of Lestat's normally immaculate hair after being subjected to the winds.

"Mission Earth." came the short reply.

"Oh, I see." Vincent and La Atressa breathed in unison, not comprehending at all.

"No, you begin to perceive." announced Elenni, her voice heavily laden with sarcasm and annoyance. She did not comprehend anything occurring around her at all, now that she was aware of things.

La Atressa snorted. "I guess. But anyway, I think she means that." She began.

"Major players from certain worlds might have been kidnapped by someone." Vincent finished. As an afterthought he added, "Or something."

Nodding, Lestat concluded, "That would certainly fit the evidence."

Bugenhagen, slightly confused by the conversation, wondered, "But why.Hoo, hooo!

And who?"

"That's why we came here, actually.to see if you could shed some light on the subject." Atressa sighed. "You see.this afternoon (Earth time), a sword showed up on the doorsteps of Lestat's place.a very familiar, very long sword. A bit later, we got the coat that was usually seen with the swords, not to mention some long silvery hairs. Along with each.gift, was a note. The first was from the Neibelheim mansion, one of Hojo's notes used to find Vincent." The girl paused to smile at her friend. "On it, it said only 'HELP!'. The second had scratchy writing that we came to realize was that of Red 13. See?" She took the folded scrap of paper from her dress-coat-thing pocket and handed it to the old man.

"Do you always talk like a friggin' lawyer?" Elenni complained to her as he read it over. La Atressa just rolled her eyes.

Bugenhagen interrupted before the two could get into a fight. "This is definitely Nanaki's.tail-writing, hoo hooooo!!!!! But.I can't read it. Only he and his kind are born knowing this.gibberish."

"Oh. Darn!" Elenni plunked down on a convenient stone and sulked. "We'll never get to carol at this rate."

"Caroling, m'dear, is the LAST thing we should be worrying about at the moment." Sainte muttered. Elenni just sighed in disappointment.

"And of course." Atressa growled as she wrote Bugenhagen's words into her journal. "He was the last of his kind.The last of his kind?!!!!!"

"What's that got to do with anything, mon amie?" Lestat asked quizzically.

The girl's eyes lit up with the inner flame that always appeared when she got an idea.or when she finally grasped a math concept. "Nanaki.last of his kind! Sephiroth..the only of his kind."

"The last of both sides of his family." Vincent added as an afterthought.

"Well," Sainte considered. "Those are only two cases.and what about Roland's guns?"

".What about Roland's guns? I don't know who this Roland guy is from a hole in the ground!" Atressa scowled as she folded her arms.

Sainte rolled her eyes in frustration. "Oh, how many times must I TELL you, 'Tressa?!"

"Well....I don't know either." Vincent said in a near whisper. Bugenhagen nodded in agreement, so Sainte explained, as if to a little child.

"Roland Deshain of Gilead, son of Steven. He is a gunslinger." Sainte trailed off, seeing the look of confusion that stained the faces of Vincent and La Atressa. "A gunslinger. Sort of like a knight, only he wields a gun. Like those upon the wall." Again, Sainte trailed off, only, this time she began to stare at the twin revolvers upon the wall. She furrowed her brow and looked cross, like she always did once she grasped a concept that moments ago was utterly alien, and now was horribly obvious. "Someone must be creating one hell of a zoo."

"What does that have to do with anything?!" Elenni demanded from her seat upon a red rock.

"Think about it. Nanaki is the last of his kind. Sephiroth is the only of his kind, and Roland.Roland is the last of his kind as well."

"Kind of what?"

Sainte groaned. "You dip. Roland is the last gunslinger! The last of his breed, if you will." Her piece said, and insult made, she looked down at her boots and began to worry the hem of her tunic.

Vincent gazed around at the group. "What could be so powerful that it could take a trained knight, a materia-enhanced lupine fighter, and a godling?" he wondered aloud.

"I havn't the foggiest." Sainte said. Elenni agreed with the statement in general, so Sainte boxed her ears.

"I can't think of anything that powerful." Atressa mused. "Makaku, Rogir, and Jenova all together couldn't have captured Sephy."

"Or Roland!" Sainte added quickly. "Which makes me think we should be doing more research. Let's see.who else is the last of their kind?"

"Link of Hyrule, Sabriel the Abhorsen, Sonia of Transylvania, Doris of future Earth, Aeris Gainsborough, Terra Branford, Umaro the Yeti of Narshe, Janus\Magus of Zeal (When in the medieval ages), ."

"WHOA! Lento!!!!!!" Lestat exclaimed over her ramblings. "Who are all these people?!"

"Oh, um.various people who are the only of their kind. Terra for example is the last half-human, half-esper in her world, Sabriel is the current and only Abhorsen of Ancelstierre and the Old Kingdom, Janus/Magus is the last of the people of Zeal alive in the middle ages of Guardia.unless of course you wish to include Melchior who lives in the current century, Gaspar who lives in the End of Time, and Balthazar who lives in the future."

"WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone shouted in mass confusion.

"........Never mind. Still though, it may not hurt to visit them. The people of that world are forever being sucked into time portals!"

"Which realm is this?!" Lestat exclaimed, thoroughly puzzled.

"That of Guardia.The Realm of Zeal and Iokia? Well, I can get us there if there is where we wish to go. Never mind what I speak of." La Atressa concluded.

After a long, tense, silent moment, Saint suddenly shattered the quiet. "Ya know who would also fit into that category? Vanyl, the last Harold-Mage. I mean, if whatever we're up against can overcome a godlet, a mage and his Companion are no challenge."

Surprisingly, Elenni entered the conversation, intelligently, from her red rock. "Wasn't Elspeth a Harold-Mage too?"

Sainte nodded. "Yeah, but they come from different whens of the same plane, and that makes a difference, I wot."

Both Lestat and Louis gave Elenni an odd look. "You know what she's talking about?"

"Yeah."

"Then what is a Companion? Or a mage for that matter?" Louis wondered, running his pale hand through his black hair.

"You wanna field that one, Sainte? You can explain it better." came Elenni's reply.

"Okay." the writer replied. "A Companion is a Guardian Spirit in the shape of a horse. From what I understand, they can tap ley-line or node energy for different uses. The word 'mage' is just short for 'magician', and not meaning a stage magician. A mage can tap into powers within or without herself. La Atressa and I are mages insofar as we can create Gates between worlds. Comprendez-vous?"

The vampires of Anne Rice nodded curtly. After his long silence, the frail Bugenhagen spoke up. "Hoo, hooo! Children, I think you should go investigate! And bring Nanaki back, safe and sound!"

Vincent nodded, and addressed the group. "He's right." Turning to La Atressa, he said, "Atressa, would you take us to this 'Realm of Guardia'? Later, Sainte can take us to this 'Vanyl'."

Once the man in black and red finished, Elenni leapt to her feet and announced, "Well, we have our marching orders!"

La Atressa already had out her trusty pad of paper and was writing. As she put words to paper, the usually pearlized blue portal appeared and the sextet stepped into it, expecting to walk through it as they did with Sainte's gates. To their surprise, once inside, the portal turned a blue and bell-like music was heard, followed by complete and unsettling silence. Then, the ovular gate vanished and with it, two vampires, two writers, a BSB loving girl, and a guy-who-looked-like-a-vampire-but-might-not-be.

Bugenhagen stared wide-eyed at the occurrence and then at the newly empty space. "Amazing, hoo hooooo." After a while, he eventually returned to his observatory to see if the stars had any messages for him.

With another song of bells, the portal deposited the group into a pillar of shining, white light. Looking about them, the sextet was amazed (Well, La Atressa wasn't) at their surroundings; a platform of cobblestones, floating in the middle of Space!

"HOLY OHMYGAWD!!!!!!" Elenni screamed as the stars whirled around her.

Louis, leaning over the wrought-iron railing that separated the Outer firmament from the platform, gaped in amazement at the fantastic scenery.

"This is Guardia?" Sainte turned to Atressa who shook her head.

"Nope. This is the Ends of Time! We came here because I thought that if ANYONE knew what was going on it would be the man who presides over this place and the Master of War. Besides, it's the easiest place to come since unlike all other times, there is little or no resistance to warping." As she spoke, she was walking, down a slight incline, through a craftily carved gate, and towards a lone figure dressed in tweed, standing beneath a lamp pole of all things! "Hello, Guru Gaspar!" she called. The figure turned, revealing a long white mustache that hung out from under the shadows cast by a low brimmed hat.

"Guru WHAT?!" Elenni hissed to Lestat, who shrugged.

The Guru seemed to smile seeing the girl. "Ah, Atressa! How good to see you again, especially as visitors are so rare here. And you have friends!"

"Ayep!" Atressa introduced the others and then hastily explained their plight to the aged man. When she had finished, he scratched his chin and pulled on his mustache, apparently thinking. "Can you think of anything that could have anything to do with all this?"

"Well." he began haltingly. "I can't say I know much of the news, for thankfully, with Lavos defeated, all the gates have vanished and so no one much shows up here, but a few days ago, a girl appeared from Zeal. She told me of how she had been out gathering some Ground Apples from one of the gardens they have created in lee of the new, warm weather when a strange man came up and began asking her questions about the Lost Royalty."

"That would have been Schala and Janus, right?"

"I would've presumed so. Anyhow, when she said she didn't know, he began to get angry and also quite violent. So, she ran and he chased after her. He was about to capture her when she said that what seemed like a black hole encircled her and she landed here!"

"Black hole? Like Janus's spell?! Maybe HE sent her here."

Elenni interrupted. "What's all this mean? Who is Janus and what's a Zeal?"

"Zeal, boundless joy." Sainte said, but Atressa shook her head.

"Ok, brief history lesson of this realm, you guys. This is the Guardian/Iokian/Zeal world. Now, Iokia was a prehistoric society, in which the battle of the Humanoids and Reptites took place; thanks in part to the arrival of Lavos, an evil creature that tried to destroy the planet, the Humans won. This Lavos creature buried itself within the earth, from which it sucked nutrients. In the next major place in time, the reign of Queen Zeal, the power of Lavos was harnessed, and so the people who possessed the skills of magic were able to set aside their original source of power, the sun-stone. Now, Zeal was the name of the kingdom of the users of magic, which was located on continents that floated high in the sky thanks to magic. Meanwhile, those who lacked the skill lived a hard life on the ground in an underground village called Alghetty. The Queen to construct new buildings and such for her kingdom used many of those without magic as slaves. The kingdom itself though, was a very lovely and peaceful place, it was the home of the Queen and her two children, the girl Schala and her little brother, Magus.not to mention Gaspar here and the other two Gurus, Melchior and Balthazar." The Guru nodded. "Now here's where things get all complicated."

"As if they weren't already!" Lestat groaned.

"Now, the Queen, having tasted the power of Lavos, wanted more, and so ordered the construction of the Ocean Palace, a magnificent structure under the waves that was very close to where Lavos had buried itself. Unfortunately, Zeal didn't understand what she was getting into, nor the fact that she was being possessed by the evil creature. In a climactic end, with Schala calling on the power of Lavos through the special machine made for that purpose, Lavos was summoned to the surface world where he used his power to spread chaos and destruction. He shot out rays of energy into the air, which when they hit the floating continents, destroyed their structure and sent them crashing into the sea. The Ocean Palace too, was nearly ruined and many were believed killed. The strangest thing though was that Lavos's power, which was immortal, spanned all times, and so many of those nearby where the cataclysmic event occurred were sent to other times. Such as Gaspar here! He was sent to the end of time! The Prince Janus was sent to the medieval ages, and no one knows where the lovely and sweet Schala could be.she may even have been slain."

"That's HORRIBLE!!" Vincent exclaimed in a rare burst of emotion. "His sister.killed by his Mother's own greed."

La Atressa nodded. "Janus, who later became Magus, the feared magician of the Middle Ages, searches for her still, no?" Gaspar affirmed her statement. "Yes, well, like I said, Janus was sent to the medieval times, where he was discovered by the Imp, Ozzie. Although considered a nearly worthless mage in his own time, the skills that the youth did hold amazed the imp and his followers and so they made the youth their leader. The imps were fighting a war against the humans at the time, and were in desperate need of a strong hand, which Ozzie, in a rare moment of brilliance, saw in Janus."

"Anyhow, Janus changed his name to Magus, and 'helped' the imps in their battle. For his work, the creatures worshipped the blue-haired wizard as a God practically, well.until that changed.more on that later. Although Magus appeared to be helping the imps, he was in all the mess for his own gain. His true quest was to become powerful enough to summon Lavos again, and then destroy it for the ruins it had made of his life."

"The Imps ultimately lost the war, I believe, and from then on, forever held a grudge against the humans. And so came the present year. Now, here is where things got strange. A boy, a very YOUNG boy, went to a fair and literally ran into a girl. They talked a bit and then began going around the fair together. When they approached the inventions of a friend of his, the girl tried it out. Now, the invention was a telepod, supposed to move the subject from one side to the other, but because of the strange pendant that the stranger girl wore, a gate was opened and she vanished. Realizing that the girl was none other than Princess Nadia, the boy, whose name was Chrono, went after her. The inventor, Lucca, soon followed, and so started the adventures. What happened.what I'm leading to, is that the group, along with a guy named Glenn, turned into a frog by Magus, Ayla, a chieftess of Iokia, and a Robot from the future, went up against Magus and won. Fortunately for them, though I'm sure they didn't feel the same at the time, the spell the dark wizard was casting to summon Lavos got out of hand, and the group was sucked into Zeal. Later on, they re-met Magus, who decided to join forces with them, just so long as he got to help beat up the monster that had ravaged his life."

Her long litany over, everyone pondered her words. "And what relevance, if any, does all of this have?" Sainte finally inquired.

"Well, we're trying to find out what's going on, right? Well, there are plenty of strange things, especially time warps that occur in this realm. Our nemesis may very well be after someone here. I think that we should check out Zeal, and see if we can find Magus."

"Cool! Floating continents!" Elenni crooned.

"Well, Magus would be wandering the aftermath, actually." Gaspar said. "But how can you all go anyhow? Only three may use the lights at one time.Oh."

Atressa was scribbling in her notebook. "Righty-O.Well, seeya, Gaspar! Oh! Say hello to Spekkio for me, will ya?"

"Why don't you say hello yourselves?" The old man grinned mischievously.

"Oh, he wouldn't grant US magic.....would he?"

"You never know until you try."

"Magic?! We can learn MAGIC?!!!!!!!!!!"

"If you possess the ability." Atressa explained to the now hyper Elenni.

"Well, I wanna know. NOW!"

"Then, come on!" The red-haired writer led the group over to a door. Upon passing through it, they found themselves on another cobble-stone platform in the middle of space. In the center of the room was a small, furry creature that looked a little like a cat, a little like Mokona of Rayearth.

"Visitors! And hello, Atressa."

"Greetings, Master Spekkio. Everyone, this is Spekkio, the Master of War!" The others muttered hellos, most of them scoffing at the creature's title. The beast wasn't more that 3 feet tall! Master of War?!

"How do I appear to you?" Spekkio suddenly said. "Weak? Strong?"

"Well..um....." Elenni stammered.

"Strong of mind." Vincent said. Louis, Lestat and Sainte nodded in agreement.

"Cute!" Elenni finally exclaimed.

Atressa just grinned. "Well, I know you're strong."

The little animal seemed to smirk. "Well, then, you're all strong of mind.most of you." Elenni stuck her tongue out at the furball. He didn't pay it any heed. "It's strength of mind that makes you great and also may allow you to use magic."

"We have magic?" Lestat asked questioningly.

"Maybe.maybe not. Since you're all from different worlds, who can say. Anyways, there are 5 basic KNOWN divisions of magic: Fire, Ice, Water, Shadow, and Lightening. Four if you count water and ice as the same. There is also a rumour of different magics, but none have come to ME with them yet. Would you like to learn your magics?" Everyone shrugged. "Then walk around the room three times, thinking MAGIC! I'll be watching you." The group did just that, feeling a little silly as Spekkio bounced around watching them. Once the task was complete, the creature grinned. "Meeny Miney, MAGICO!!!!!!!" Everyone felt a strange sensation flow through their bodies. Then, to each in turn, Spekkio spoke.

"You! The guy with the claw! You're Ice!" Vincent suddenly found himself encased in the solid water, but felt no cold, only a strange new knowledge deep within his heart never noticed before.

"'Tressa, you have your own magic, which is a sort I must say I've never seen, but you have a knack for fire as well." Tongues of flame mingled with the girl's mane of scarlet hair, til they became inseparable it seemed. Meanwhile, Spekkio had moved on.

"The blond guy! Yeah, you! With the freaky teeth! You're Lightning." At these words, Lestat threw his head back and emitted a long, loud, healthy laugh. Once he was done laughing at the whole situation, he gestured towards Sainte. From his pale, graceful hands, a blue ribbon of lighting streaked, connecting with the back of the girl's tunic. She jumped and looked down to find the cotton singed. Sainte gazed over at the vampire with distain as the feline creature continued.

"The lass with the funky white hair. You have an odd innate magic similar to that of Atressa, only augmented with Shadow rather than Fire." The creature continued on, as Louis and Sainte were suddenly cloaked in shadows. "The dark haired gent also is of Shadow magic. and the loopy one. The other girl, I mean. Strangely enough, she too has magic." The creature trailed off, and Elenni immediately found herself drenched from head to foot.

After Elenni got over her initial surprise, she sneered at the feline-like animal in the center of the platform. "Lemme guess. Water?"

Spekkio pulled his lips back in a feline semblance of a grin. "Yep! So now, enforced with magic.wanna try it out?"

"Yeah!" Atressa exclaimed merrily. "Everyone else up to it?"

"Up to what?"

"A battle, Elenni. With that Spekkio dude."

"Master of War!" the Kilwala said proudly.

Elenni blanched. "A.a battle?! I.I'm no fighter."

"Sure you are, and besides! It's only a battle of magic, which you just learned." Atressa fell into a fighting stance, an example which Vincent followed, a little hesitantly.

Sainte also got up on her toes, ready to move. "Ok. This should be interesting!" she said.

"Then you're ready?"

"Bring it on!" Louis exclaimed.

The water mage's face was as pale as a lily petal. "Uh oh."

The Master of War opened the battle with Lightening, Level 2 but was counter attacked by Louis' newly learned Laser Spin. Immediately after, Atressa and Vincent teamed up and cast Antipode, combining their magical skills. Liking the idea very well, Sainte called out to Lestat. Knowing each other so well, they didn't exchange a word but ran simultaneously at the Kilwala, swords drawn, and slashed in a perfect X the creature. To there surprise, the little critter just grinned sarcastically at them and cast an Ice 2.

"You can't use sword techniques here, Sainte!" La Atressa called out. "Only your magic."

"Oh." The white haired mage muttered, not feeling all too hot after Spekkio's last offensive spell. "Now you tell me."

"I told you earlier.you just weren't listening." Meanwhile, Elenni had finally figured out sorta what she was doing and had cast a water spell that sent a bubble over Spekkio's head, where it exploded and then drenched him. He glared menacingly at the girl who giggled in spite of herself.

His second of glancing back cost him for it was at that moment that Vincent cast Ice 2, followed up by Lightening from Lestat.

The power was too much for the little Kilwala, who held up his cute paws and called a halt to the battle. "Enough!" he growled, apparently very upset about losing. A scowl disgracing his catish face, he held out a package to La Atressa. "Here.take this."

"Way neat! A gift set.complete with Elixers, Potions, Tonics, Ethers.and MAGIC TABS!!!!!! Alright!"

"What's a magic tab?" Lestat inquired.

"I dunno. I guess they increase their magical power," the girl shrugged.

"I can't believe I lost! To amateurs!"

"At our first battle!" Sainte rubbed it in, causing Spekkio's frown to deepen.

He puffed up his furry chest and to help his ego apparently, cried out to the world, "Wait..I AM the Master of War!" Seeing everyone's strange looks though, he immediately piped down again. "You kids are too much. Hey! Come back if you get any new friends!"

"Uh.yeah!" Louis muttered. Then to Lestat he said, "Kids? We're 200 years old!" The older vampire just shrugged.

"Hey, Spekkio.." Atressa was saying. "Have you seen anything crazy going on.out of the ordinary I mean.like, people being kidnapped or.y'know! Gaspar said something about some girl coming here and saying she'd been chased about by some weirdo."

"Ah, yeah.but I don't know what it's all about. You kids'll just have to go out into the world and find out, I suppose. But since the girl was from the Ice Age, I'd try there first."

"Good thinking. Hey guys, c'mon! We'll see you 'round Spekkio!"

The Kilwala waved as they exited his room, everyone but La Atressa in a state devoid of thought, only accepting that a little creature that was only as tall as was the height to Vincent's knee was A) The Master of War, and B) that it could nearly beat the crap out of them.

The red-head led her friends over to a bucket which she said would restore their MP and HP.acronyms which only Vincent seemed to understand the meaning of. Whatever it was, everyone was feeling more their usual selves in moments and so after saying farewell to Gaspar, La Atressa called up a gate that could transport the all of them to another time.

Something went very wrong with the spell, though. The group found themselves in a dark world with a bloody sun glowering down upon them. Looking up at the angry red star, Sainte exclaimed, "Aw, CRAP! Darkover!"

"WHAT?!" the others demanded.

"Darkover!" the writer moaned.

Atressa shook her head. "That was not the destination of the spell." She said a matter-of-factly.

"Apparently there was glitch. And we ended up in Darkover! I HATE Darkovian politics!" the girl whined.

"Where are we?" Elenni asked in wonderment. She had just noticed the red sun.

The others rolled their eyes, as Vincent announced, quietly, their present local. "We are in some place called Darkover."

Sainte began to grumble, as a very lordly looking man in a strange green uniform strolled up. The writer ceased her mutterings upon spying the man, and groaned, "Aw, CRAP!" once more.

"Now, what?!" Atressa demanded sharply, looking up from her notes.

"Just our luck! First we get transported to Darkover. Then, we have the luck to run into Dyan! What else can go wrong?"

The man in the green uniform had entered earshot, and to this exclamation he replied, most sincerely, "In Darkover, that is not a question one should ask, least of all in my Domain, mestra."

The white haired writer started and stiffened visibly at these words. After a moment she bowed to the newcomer. "That I know well, vai dom."

The man in green raised an eyebrow at Sainte. A moment of suspicious silence ensued as he gazed at the group with strange, colourless eyes. Then, he swatted at them. "Awch. Off with ye, silly cadets, er I'll probate ye!" With that, the man walked off.

Sainte relaxed, and sighed. Turing back to the wide-eyed and confused quintet, she announced, "We're lucky. That was Lord Dyan of Ardais. He's a VERY dangerous man. Now. Let's get outta here. Please, Atressa?!"

La Atressa nodded, still a little bewildered, and proceeded to conjure a Gate.

Stepping through it, the group found themselves in far more pleasant surroundings; a beautiful, ancient Roman city! "This is Kariko," the flame- mage explained to the others. "I designed the city through Caesar II, and then wrote it into a world."

"Impressive." Lestat said eyeing the buildings. Elenni agreed, though her eyes were instead on some of the very well muscled slaves. Sainte noticed this and just rolled her eyes.

"Were'nt we going to...wherever...?" Louis inquired.

"Yes, but obviously the system is down..too much interference from snowstorms or something. We can try again later," the red-head exclaimed with a broad smile.

The group was soon wandering through the crowded streets, past Vigils, Merchants, and Tax Collectors, listening as best they could over the bustle to the explanations Atressa was giving them of the districts. She pointed out the pride of her city, a full fledged palace right next to the beautiful, Palentine forum, which belonged to Lena Decius Cassius and also the splendid Library, which, she told them, housed every piece of literature that she had gotten her hands on in that world.

Eventually, the crew found themselves in a poorer, more industrial district where huge factories dominated the space rather than ornate basilicas. They had just passed the Spice factory when all of a sudden all of the buildings around them began to change from a simple house into a small house. Of course, to people who were used to houses being built step by step, the jump from one form to another was terrifying. Elenni, in fact, fainted and had to be revived by a scowling Sainte.

"That's how things go here," the redhead was explaining when the BSB lover finally came-to. "Growth goes faster too, the more convenient and less restricted the area.but if you start lowering the land value or raising taxes too high, the homes'll shrink."

"H-how?!" the faintee asked.

Unable to resist, Lestat shot a bolt of lightening at her. "Like that."

The spell, although weak, caught much attention in the crowded street, even more so than the strangers had already attracted and from all around were cries of amazement, fear, and such. It was a white-clad worker who first fell to his knees, crying to Lestat, "Hail, All-mighty Jupiter!!!!" Others soon followed. The blond vampire looked helplessly to Atressa, who was glaring daggers at him, her mouth in a thin line.

Sainte sighed, and tilted her head back. Looking up at the scrap of azure visible between the great Roman buildings, she told the sky, "Ah, Warrior, dark! In the ill-timed words of the man's own brother, 'now he's really going to be impossible to live with'!"

Vincent laid a quiet hand upon the Aryan man's shoulder. "Perhaps we could have done without the theatrics, yes?" Lestat just grinned devilishly.

Meanwhile, a huge crowd had assembled around the group, bewildered and wondering. Knowing that she had to somehow quell the masses' growing anxiety, La Atressa stepped forward and began to explain that Lestat wasn't a god, but was invested with magical powers, as he was a "vicar" of Jupiter. She used colossal words so that no one there, not even the well- educated Senators, had any true clue as to what she was talking about. Her friends, in the meanwhile, slipped away to the nearly deserted shrine to Minerva nearby. A few minutes later, amid much hooting and applause, the red-head joined them, slapped Lestat across the nose, then turned to Sainte.

"Nice oration," the other girl muttered.

"Especially since it was on the spur of the moment, I think." Atressa searched the spaces between the columns to make certain that none of the commoners were eavesdropping on them. "Anyhow, I think that we'd better get any information that is here, then move on.before Lestat pulls another little...stunt."

"Hey! I said que je suis désolé!!!! Ah, um...lo siento, I guess it is."

"And what do you say to all the people when their homes are ruined thanks to a riot you've caused?" The vampire was silent.

Vincent, sensing that they were getting nowhere real fast, interrupted the chastising. "So, where do we get the information?" he asked the red-haired writer.

"Depends.but the forum is usually the best place.and as the Paladin forum is the largest, it probably has the greatest amount of people. If there isn't anything to be found there, then we should try the market place.and then the "police station. Anyways.. Kariko is big, so we'd best get a move on."

"Maybe we should split up?" Louis suggested. The girl shrugged. "So who wants to go with who? And where?"

"I'll go to the Praefecture Maximus." Atressa said.

"And I'll go with her." Vincent added quickly.

The girl grinned. "Elenni, why don't you go to the forum."

"But I wanna go to the market and shop."

"Do you have any Denari? No? Well, then they wouldn't take your American cash anyhow." Elenni scowled. "So Elenni is going to the forum."

"Can't I go there anyhow? I wanna see an Ancient Greek market!"

Sainte grinned. "You'd be so busy looking at the sights, you'd forget to look for information about Sephiroth, Nanaki, Roland, and who- ever else got caught up in this."

"Maybe after we have this mystery solved out, I can bring us back here and we can ALL go to the market, eh? Now, who'll go with Elenni? Louis? Will you? I think Sainte should definitely be looking after Mr. Lightning Hands." Lestat blushed.sorta, as the other two nodded.

"When should we meet and where?"

"Back here.when the sun is setting, eh? Sound good to you all?"

"Fine here."

"Qui."

"I wanna go to the market."

"So then, see you guys later!"

"Ok!"

The groups of 2 departed for the various places, needing no directions, as the structures were large enough to see for miles away, shining through the mysterious blue haze that surrounded the town.

Sainte and Lestat turned upon the road leading north, through the town. They followed the twisting streets for over an hour, but still could not locate the market place. The two rounded a corner, and found themselves at the exact place they started from.

Recognizing the square for what it was, Sainte wondered, "So, how's your Latin, Lestat?"

"Not good. Why? How's yours?"

"Non-existent. We need directions."

"Oh! Well, then." Lestat trailed off to go interrogate a passing slave. He asked the miserable, androgynous creature, "Où est le centre commercial?" The wretch blinked stupidly at the question, and Lestat tried again. "Donde esta el centro commercial?" Once more, the slave blinked stupidly. Lestat growled his frustration as Sainte approached from behind him.

"Excuse me, sir, but can you tell us where the market place is?" the young mage asked, politely in clear English.

The dark-skinned slave looked past the pale man who was questioning him in a language he did not understand to the polite young lady who stood behind him. "Well, Miss, the market is south of here, two city blocks."

Sainte smiled. "Thank-you very much, sir. We'd better be on our way." She proceeded to pull her vampire friend in the direction the slave had indicated. As they left, the slave watched the odd pair for a moment, bafflement shinning brightly in his eyes. Then, he turned to his burden, and scoffed, "Sir, indeed!"

With Sainte, Lestat was having a fit of bafflement, himself. "He understood English!" he exclaimed, utterly astonished.

"Yes. I know."

"But he was a Roman slave!"

"Yes. I know."

"He should have been speaking Latin!"

"Yes. I know."

"But, Sainte! He SHOULD have been speaking LATIN, and he spoke ENGLISH!" Lestat continued to protest, still not comprehending how such a thing could be.

Now, slightly annoyed, Sainte stopped in midstride, and spun on her heel to face her companion. "I know that he should have, but it does not follow that he does. We are in another world, Lestat!" she informed him, her eyes shut in annoyance. "The normal rules do not apply." She opened her eyes and focused them upon the Aryan vampire. "Listen, we're almost to the market place. If we wanna ferret out information unnoticed, I'm going to have to throw an illusion on us."

Taken aback, Lestat demanded, ".a WHAT?!" His reaction was lost on his white-haired companion, who had closed her eyes and began muttering to herself.

"Ground and center; ground and center. Locate ley-line. Oooh! There's one. Taste its power. Oh, yum! First-rate. Illusion up." To Lestat's eyes, Sainte shimmered for a moment, then, appeared to be dressed as a Roman noblewoman with long white hair pinned up.

"Oh, cool!" the vampire exclaimed, not noticing the illusion that he now wore.

Sainte reopened her eyes and glanced over at Lestat. "Hey, man, you really got the legs for that toga!"

"Huh?" he asked, looking down. "AWK!" He saw that he was dressed in a short toga, which revealed his thin, pale legs.

Sainte giggled. "Well, we gotta fit in."

Lestat looked up in dismay. "And I have to wear a skirt?"

"A toga is a nobleman's dress." Sainte shrugged.

"Quite literally." the vampire muttered. "Can't I dress like a slave then?"

"You'd still be wearin' the skirt."

"Awww. Man!"

"Now, let's go to market!" She dragged him down the road, towards the market place.

In another part of the city, Elenni was having trouble keeping up with Louis' confident stride and gawking at the buildings at the same time. "Hey! Can you slow down?" she demanded as she hurried to catch up, once more, with the dark-haired vampire.

"Yes." Louis began to walk at a slower pace.

Once she reached his side, Elenni asked, "Where are we going any way?"

The vampire closed his bright eyes for a moment and sighed. His gait began to speed up, and once more Elenni was forced to hurry.

"Hey! Wait up!" she exclaimed.

Louis opened his eyes, and slowed his walk. At last, he spoke. "We are going to the forum, like La Atressa asked of us. Were you paying not attention?"

"No." Elenni closed her eyes for a moment, mimicking Louis' earlier performance. The project backfired, when she ran into a strategically placed fluted column. "Ow!" She stepped back and rubbed her nose, carefully avoiding noticing the little smile upturning the corners of Louis' faded rose lips. "I suppose you find that funny." she said angrily.

"As a matter of fact, I do. Now come on!"

"Ah, Domini Dominicus! Just the Vigil I want to see." Atressa said with a fetching smile. The man to whom she was talking to kept his face as hard as marble though, staring first at her, then at the strange creature behind her. "Look, we were wondering if.if there were any missing persons about as of lately..."

"If they were missing, how would they be about?" a traveling minstrel who had been eavesdropping joked, his fingers absentmindedly playing the opening chords of "Fahr a Batah". Although Domini and Atressa ignored the insolent nave, Vincent couldn't help but give him a strange look. Something about him was dreadfully familiar.but it was hard to tell, for most of the face of the man was hidden beneath a dark cowl. The bard returned Vincent's look and began to play the chorus from Monster Mash. Trying to shake the thought from his head, the dark man turned back to the conversation.

" Poor people disappear in the slums every day; no one pays those such things any heed, though."

"Aye.what about any strange occurrences? Like, have you found anything, or seen anything unusual?"

The Vigil, urgent to get on with his job seemed about ready to respond with a haughty "No", but perhaps because of La Atressa's new bodyguard.or maybe because she WAS his governor after all, Domini slowly nodded his head. "We found a very strange looking weapon lying in the middle of the Army Barracks a few days ago."

"Would you let us see it?"

". It's down at the Prefracture. I do hate to rush you, Governor, but there's an illness spreading, and it's my duty to take care of it."

"An ILLNESS?! I havn't been informed."

"It's nothing major, now that the new hospital is going up and all. Please, salve."

"Salve." La Atressa said, the words uncertainly echoed by her companion. "Well, that's interesting. C'mon, Vincent! Let's go see whose weapon this is, eh?"

As the strange pair navigated their way through the bustling crowd of the Grand Street, the musician watched with a strange expression on his face, as strains of the opening theme of Sailor Moon were plucked from his lute.

"LOUIS!!!!!!!!" Elenni panted. "SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!" Sighing, the dark man whirled about on his heal, his pallid face showing great disdain and annoyance for the human. "Look, buddy! I don't have your legs, your endurance.not even you! So quit leaving me in the dust, willya?"

"If we keep going at the pace you prefer though, Louis interjected, "We won't have gotten anywhere near the Paladin forum by nightfall." Elenni just rolled her eyes. "We're almost there, anyhow."

Growling something best left untyped, Elenni shoved past her immortal comrade towards the shining white marble of the Forum ahead. An unusual smirk on his normally passive face, the vampire followed the girl, but soon overtook her once again.

From atop the Odeium's walls, a lone figure watched the tribulations of the duo, chuckling every so often. "Yes." the figure whispered to itself. "These two will be perfect representatives of their own cultures."

Lestat and Sainte Matthewe entered the marketplace. There, they were confronted by crowds of people dressed similarly to themselves, but that didn't stop Lestat from complaining. "Ooch! Cold breeze up the skirt! Damn thing!"

"Oh, do stop complaining!" Sainte grumbled as she surveyed the great square. Near where she stood with Lestat, she spotted a booth that offered pastries and baklava. Suddenly hungry, she wondered how many copper and silver pennies she had left over from her last visit to Valdemar. Deciding that she had enough money for something, if not baklava, the young writer began to make her way over to the booth, with Lestat in tow.

Dodging patrons, the blond vampire demanded, "Now, where are we going?"

"To baklava." came the curt response as his companion proceeded to break the fingers of a passing cut-purse.

"Aren't we supposed to be looking for information?" Lestat asked as he followed in her wake.

"No place better than a pastry booth." murmured Sainte, spying the matronly entrepreneur.

"Wha'?"

"Lesses-tomber." Sainte commanded as they reached the booth. The shadow-mage took a moment to listen for gossip under the cover of studying the booth's wares. She had longer than expected, for the venduse was busy with another customer. As she listened, the girl heard talk of a mysterious plague ravaging parts of the city, and of a magic weapon found in the Army Barracks.

While Sainte was still puzzling over the latter bit of information, the owner of the booth came over and gave her two new customers a rosy- cheeked smile. "Merry meet. May I help you twain?"

Sainte was shocked out of her thoughts, and couldn't answer for a moment, so Lestat answered for her. "Um, yes. How much are your baklava?"

"Five coppers or a sliver penny."

"We'll take one," the Aryan vampire said to the matron. To Sainte he said, "Pay the woman, chere."

As the writer fished around in her purse for a silver penny, she asked, "My lady, what is this I hear about a mysterious plague?"

The woman flushed, obviously pleased at being mistaken for royalty, and replied, "Oh, it is not of your concern, but the word is that some." She trailed off to glance at Lestat. "Especially barbarians have been struck down by an odd fever."

"An odd sort of fever?" Lestat asked doubtfully.

"Yes, but the symptoms are so varied from person to person, that it is hard to describe."

Sainte discovered a silver penny in her purse and presented it to the woman, asking, "And what about this 'magic weapon'?"

"All hogwash and superstition." the woman sneered, making the penny disappear. "It's not magic, just different."

"How do you know, my lady?"

"Me son's a soldier." The woman said proudly, handing Sainte a gooey slice of baklava on a scrap of brown paper.

The mage snatched the treat and began to munch on it, while Lestat continued questioning. "Can you describe this 'different' weapon?"

"Oh, of course!" the woman chuckled. "It's about five feet long, and three feet wide, with strange looking removable jewels, already sold for a huge profit, I'm sure."

"Um...what sort of weapon is it, my dear?" Lestat pushed.

Flushed, the woman slipped him a free sample of her wares, much to the vampire's surprise. "Such a nice young man.and anyhow, a sword, of course! What other sort of weapon is there? I don't think you'd be finding a whole ship of Greek Fire in an army barrack now would you?!" The matron laughed.

Not quite understanding, Lestat nodded. "Is.the weapon still in the barracks?" he inquired.

"Should be. Unless it's been stolen already.the crime rate is decreasing, but sadly, slowly. It's been taking forever since that last ruler we had drained our treasuries immensely." Lestat and his comrade exchanged strange looks. Hadn't Atressa been the ruler? "Anyhow, if you'd be wanting to get a look at it, you'd best be hurrying! No doubt that with Atressa back in town, it'll soon be cleared up!"

"Thank you, milady!" Lestat stiffly bowed then led Sainte away.

"H-hey! What's up!"

"There were other customers, chere." He muttered. "And besides.we'd best be hurrying.."

"But she as good as told us that 'Tressa would be taking the sword."

"Yes, I know, but I'm still a little worried. She also said that the crime rate was phenomenal! I wouldn't be shocked if the sword is already taken. What do you make of it all, anyhow?"

The white haired girl shrugged. "Could be anything from Squall's gunblade to Bregalad!"

"I was wondering if it were even a sword at all.I mean, a five foot long sword?!"

"Sephiroth's is six foot."

"And Sephiroth is a freak as you said it."

"Well, ok. If that's how you see it." Sainte sighed, knowing all too well how common impossibly long swords were in Anime and videogames. "Hey! And what did you do with that baklava?!"

"No one's even TOUCHED that thing.well, some thieves, appraisers, vigils, servants and daredevils, maybe, but it's more or less in the same position as when we found it.well, the same room anyhow." Popilius Maxus was saying to Atressa and her companion.

"Well, that's good to know. Where is it?"

"This way, Madame." The young soldier led the duo through the dingy halls of the massive army barracks that dominated this, the lower side of town. Due to the clouds that had set it over the sun, the sulphurous torches were the only source of light, their orange flames throwing shadows all about the dark walls. The whole effect was quite claustrophobic, and although Vincent was quite at home, the girl was very uneasy and more than glad when they came to a slightly more open room. In the very center of the room lay none other than Cloud's broadsword, shining darkly in a pool of uncertain light like the weapon of an unholy savior.

Shaken by seeing the familiar blade, Atressa demanded, "Hurk?"

Their guide replied without the characteristic apathy of a trained guard. "That's exactly what everyone else would like to know."

Vincent shrugged and shook his head. "I guess Sainte was wrong about Cloud showing up lugging a baseball cap and spiked shoes." Atressa turned and gaped at her companion. Vincent Valentine had just made a joke.

Several city blocks away, Lestat and Sainte were silently making they're way back to the plaza they started from. As they walked, the girl munched on her snack and turned the pastry seller's words in her mind, trying to identify both the weapon and its owner. All the people she knew carried swords fit only one half the description or the other. "Meef iws wah swart ward, awm tama's ward iws wong wat nwt bwad." the mage muttered around the last bit of flaky, Greek concoction in her mouth.

"Pardon?" Lestat asked, offering his compadre an odd look.

The writer swallowed. "I said that Need is a short sword, and Tarma's sword is long but not broad."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Lestat wondered as the duo stepped into their destination.

"It means we can rule out Elspeth, Nyra, Kethry, and Kero, because they wielded Need. We can also rule out Tarma, because her sword doesn't match the description either."

"Ah. you were thinking about the owner of that mysterious weapon, eh?" Lestat concluded as the bard that had plagued Atressa and Vincent wandered into the piazza.

"Mmm-hmm." the girl murmured. "Lessee. Uh. It can't be Rowan's, 'cause his is like Tarma's. as is Jurle Shannara's. Hmm."

As the girl thought, the nearby bard began to pluck out an obscure rock ballad on his delicate lute. "Penny for your thoughts now, baby.Looks like the weight of the world's on your shoulders now-ah-ow." he sang absently.

Har har har. Sainte thought as the troubadour continued to sing. She stayed silent a moment longer, chewing thoughtfully on her thumbnail. "The only one that I can think of who wields a sword nearly as broad as it is long, would be Cloud."

"Mmm-hmm." Lestat answered, quickly becoming annoyed at the singing poet for his complete lack of ability. The vampire briefly considered pulling another magic stunt, but discarded it promptly, because he did not want another chiding from La Atressa.

The vampire's companion began to scrutinize the bard's music. Obviously not well acquainted with that instrument, she thought as she cringed in sympathy of a sour note. Or any instrument at all.

The wandering musician played on, out of tune, unaware of Sainte's scrutiny, and Lestat's growing irritation. "It ain't all for nothing, life ain't written in the sand. I know the tide is coming. But it's time we made a stand. With a miiiiracle." The tone-deaf bard finished his first song, and began to plink out another.

The second song was known to Sainte, but less so than the first. Where she knew the pleasant little melody from is what caused her to scrutinize not the music, but the player. The talent-less hack was more than a little familiar to the young shadow-mage, as he carelessly plunked out Aerith's Theme from the stringed instrument. His eyes were the colour of the chunk of the nearly pure American turquoise stone in Sainte's favorite ring. His hair was even more yellow than the telephone book, and styled in an unmistakable, if tasteless, spiked fashion. It could be none other than the owner of the mysterious weapon, himself, Cloud Strife.

For a moment, all that Sainte could do was stare. Finally, she stammered out, "C.CLOUD?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The bard glanced up at her with his usual completely perplexed expression. "......You are Cloud Strife, right?"

The bard looked around blankly. "Uh....what?"

For a moment or two more, Sainte continued to watch the youth who looked totally lost in thought...lost as in unable to find his way back. Lestat too had such an expression, though his was of puzzlement at Sainte, not because he was five cans short of a six-pack as was the bard.

"Well..who are you?" the white haired woman finally sighed.

"Uh......Cloud!"

Sainte growled in exasperation. "Well, why didn't you say so?!"

"Duh....I dunno!" The spiky haired 'singer' grinned carelessly and scratched the back of his head, as was his usual manner. "Forgot I guess!"

The writer stared at him, the vampire stared at them both alternating, and the bard stared into space. "Duh..well, if you're done, can I start playing my music again?"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the other two cried, to the shock of a great number of people around them. Lestat immediately began helping the girl who had dropped the dates at his outburst while Sainte quickly followed their protest with a more simple (and silent) explanation. It didn't seem to matter what she said though- the boy's face was like that of a tripping hippy.

Something isn't right, she thought to herself as she watched him some more. Even CLOUD isn't THIS retarded!

Finished with helping the now fully charmed maiden, the Aryan returned his attention to Sainte. "Chere?" he said inquiringly. "Shall we go?"

The woman was silent a moment. Meanwhile, the bard began tentatively picking out Blue. He hadn't gotten more than the first five chords though when a horrified Sainte grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. "Hhheeeey!!!! If you would PLLLLLLEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEE stop...er...playing, I'll let you come with us!" she bargained. The bard's face lit up like a vacancy sign.

"You have a gig for me?!!!!!!"

"Um..well.sure!" She winked at Lestat who was staring at her with horror for the time being. "Just.uh.c'mon!"

The overly exuberant ego skipping behind them, Sainte hissed an explanation of who she believed the bard to be in reality. The vampire couldn't say that he quite understood, but having been on enough journeys with his friend, he didn't bother to truly question her judgement.

"Well, geesh! Like, that was worthless! We get here, and everyone's leaving already!!!!!" Elenni moaned massaging her feet from where she sat on a statue's base. Armand merely rolled his eyes. "And now my poor feet are KILLING me...not to mention I'm hungry and am in DESPERATE need of a drink!!!!!!!!"

"Qui, qui. Anyhow, it's too late-we took too long to get here. It's actually time to be heading back!" the dark man muttered.

"What?! NOW?! Oh, c'mon! Let's rest just a minute.."

"We don't have a minute. You took minutes resting the whole way here!"

Elenni just ignored him, and continued to massage her toes. Frustrated, Louis paced around the forum, his footsteps echoing loudly in the marble hall. It struck him odd that the place was so completely deserted, as it wasn't really even all that late. But then, what did HE know about the Romans?

"C'mon, ami! The others will be worried sick if we're not back on time!"

Groaning, the girl dragged herself to her feet once more. "Well, ok. Fine! Let's just go, ok?" So saying she stomped towards the exit/entrance to the forum, completely frustrated as well as exhausted.

Louis sighed and looked one last time at a beautiful statue of a female goddess who wore a helmet. Athena, he vaguely recalled from his lessons and the talk of Sainte, Atressa, and Elenni. And speaking of her...

Turning, he followed in the human girl's footsteps out the door and began to search her out in the crowdless streets. Much to his surprise, though, she was nowhere to be seen. "Elenni?" he called out into the void. The only reply was the flapping of wings as a group of birds flew wildly from the rook, startled by his voice. "Elenni? Where are you?!!! This had better not be a game!!!!"

"Oh, but it is a game." a voice said from behind him. "And YOU'RE a key player!"

The sun began to caress the horizon, lighting the sky aflame. An entire rainbow of dazzling colors heralded the star's depart, and announced that it was time for regrouping to the wandering six. Sainte Matthewe, Lestat, and the rhymester whose ego greatly surpassed his talent stood silhouetted against the sky, waiting impatiently for the others to arrive.

They did not have to wait long to hear the metallic footsteps to echo down the streets, announcing the return of Vincent and La Atressa. The duo entered the piazza silently brooding over their thoughts.

"Well, this has been a weirdly informative day." La Atressa mumbled at the cobblestone street. She looked up, seeing her two friends and the troubadour. "Hey Sainte, Lestat. And who is THAT?!" she demanded, thrusting a finger irately at the musician whose hat size was bigger than his IQ.

"It appears to be Cloud Strife." Sainte claimed.

"Oh. Okay." The girl just stared. "Are Elenni and Louis here yet?"

"Not yet."

"The forum was a long walk. Let's give 'em a few more minutes."

Everyone else nodded, except for the off-key troubadour, who wondered, "Duh.. When do I get to sing?"

"Not now." Lestat proclaimed.

Vincent glided over to inspect the poet. "Is there any particular reason why you say 'it appears to be' Cloud?" he asked of Sainte.

The girl nodded. "Yeah. He seems more brainless than the real thing."

Atressa blinked for a moment, in amazement. "That's possible?"

"I guess so."

The dark man continued his appraisal of the musician, who was lost in his own dream world, and noticed nothing. "Hm." he murmured meditatively. The 'musician' just stared blankly at him, without a hint of recognition. "What's your name?"

"Huh?"

"Name?"

"Duh.....Cloud? Yeah! Cloud! Who're you?"

Noticing that the reply showed a being even denser than the AVALANCHE 'leader', Vincent continued carefully. "Don't you know who I am?" Red eyes probed the musician who failed to shiver under their eerie scrutiny.

"Duh....uh.......Dracula?"

"Even CLOUD'S not THIS asinine!" scoffed Atressa crossing her arms decidedly. Sainte vigorously shook her head in agreement as Lestat giggled in the corner.

Vincent continued his inquisition. "So, um...Cloud...where are you from?"

The vapid blonde stared at him. "Um...a big building!"

"Big building...?"

"Uh huh! They said to go find a Tessa and a Sainty Ma Few.but..." his face fell as Atressa and Sainte's jaws fell open, "I havn't been able to, yet."

Although he paled, the red-garbed man kept his poker face. In a very offhand manner he said, "Where...IS this building...and who's making you search out these individuals?"

".....Huh?"

"One at a time, Vincent!" Atressa said quickly. To 'Cloud' she continued, "Where is this building?"

"Uh...um...uh..." the AVALANCHE doppelganger waved one hand vaguely in an easterly direction. "Over there?"

"Such a big help." Atressa muttered at her feet. To the Cloud wanna-be, she slowly asked, "Okay. Now. Who is making you look for these people?"

A vacant look settled like dust on a prairie on the face of the Cloud look- alike. "Uh..Duh.....Um...Ugh...."

"We've lost him." the ice mage informed the others.

"Eee-yeah." replied Sainte, gazing down at the cobblestones between her feet. She noticed several of them had a bright blue glow. Confused by this occurrence, she looked up at the sky for a moment, then back down again. The glow did not disappear; rather it intensified, causing the stones to resemble a river of light. It pointed in the direction the dull doppelganger indicated. "Hey guys! Look at this!" she exclaimed, recognizing the occurrence for what it was.

"Look at what? Paving stones?" Lestat demanded.

"Well, sorta." Sainte trailed off. "Under the road, there's a huge ley- line."

Atressa shook her head, as the uninspiring poet stood lost in his non- existent thoughts. "What are you talking about? I don't see anything but rocks."

The shadow-mage looked to Vincent for support. He too shook his head. "I don't know what a ley-line is."

Sainte sighed. "Look up at the sky, then back down at the street. When you do, don't focus your sight on any one thing." she ordered them. All but the mindless musician obeyed.

"Oh! That's a ley-line!" Atressa exclaimed at last. "What does it do?"

"Um. It's kind of like a river of magical power, and I bet that whoever sent this dink of a doppelganger is hoarding that power." The white-haired mage told her friend.

Finished with his study of the ley-line and the fake Cloud, Vincent gazed up at the sinking sun. "Shouldn't Louis and Elenni be back by now?" he wondered.

Atressa blinked, then suddenly gasped. "Ohmigod, you're right! It's far past time..."

A lewd smile broke out across Lestat's face. "Uh oh." he chuckled, just before Sainte hit him.

"Erokappa." she grumbled. Then, gaining a serious demeanor she looked towards Atressa. "Maybe they're just slow. Or maybe Elenni kept dragging Louis to the shops or something."

"Perhaps they found a trail too, and can't leave it for fear they'd lose it." the other writer said thoughtfully.

Vincent, as usual, didn't share in their optimism. "I worry about them," he said mildly.

"Hey! Cloud!" Lestat exclaimed suddenly. Everyone turned to look at the rarity of an intelligent blond. "Did you see a tall, thin, raven-haired plantation-owner with really mesmerizing green eyes? Or a loud-mouthed teen girl with short shaggy brown hair?"

"Duh...uh...no....."

"No? Are you sure?"

The blond thought hard, and had there been a light bulb connected to his head, it would have began to dimly shine with his effort. At long last, all thought died again. "Oh yeah! That nasty guy nabbed those guys at the forum and took them to the big building!"

Paled, Atressa continued the inquisition. "Um, who's the nasty guy?"

The pseudo-musician made a face. "Oh, he's a jerk. Always ordering me around. He told me to play in the forum so that everyone would leave, making it easier for him!"

"I could definitely see that." Lestat commented dryly. "But what does he look like, ami?"

"Who?"

"The nasty guy."

"What nasty guy?"

The vampire stared, dumbfounded, at the spiky-headed imbecile. "The one who orders you around!"

For a moment, the light bulb glowed again. "Oh! Oh yeah! He's, um....uh..........." The light bulb shattered, and a blank look stole across the false Cloud's guileless face.

"I don't think we're going to get any more information out of THAT." Lestat announced, simpering at his three companions.

Atressa snorted and looked up at the remnants of a light bulb that hovered above the pseudo-poet's head like a deformed thought bubble. "That's fer sure." After a long moment of silence, she said at last, "Why don't we follow this ley line, and see exactly what is going on?!"

"Would that do any good?" Vincent questioned listlessly, his mind elsewhere.

Sainte just shrugged. "Well, considering that we havn't got the foggiest clue as to where to go next, it's as good an idea as any."

"Should one of us wait here perhaps for Louis and Elenni?"

"Are you volunteering, Lestat?"

"Moi? No! I'm just saying."

"It's not a bad idea." Atressa mused. "But I'd surely feel more comfortable if we were all together...Mr. Out-of-his-depth-in-a-parking-lot- puddle over there included." Lestat looked at the blonde then at Atressa, a look of shock and disgust on his face. "Well, y'never know when a hostage might come in handy."

"You've been hanging around that Turk friend of yours too long," the vampire muttered. Vincent shot him a glance but said nothing.

"So, amis.are we following this ley-line or what?"

Silence.

Finally, Lestat groaned. "Well, yeah. I guess. I just hope Louis and Hyper-gal don't come back and aren't able to find us."

"Atressa.. can't you track them in some manner?" Vincent suddenly interrupted. The redhead looked at him, a huge question mark dangling over her head. Sighing, Vincent took the symbol of confusion out of the air, cartoon like, and began twisting it around for no apparent reason. "You know.like some sort of homing device, or a radar tracker."

"I.I can't say I've ever tried it..but what could I do? Like, you mean.build a radar set and try to find those two on it?" He nodded. "...Problem is that they'd need to have something to be tracked with.and as they're gone.. that's sorta impossible."

"What about a gate?"

Atressa looked at Sainte. "I suppose that means that you want me to open one up, hein?" the white-haired girl responded.

"Yeah, but I dunno if that'll work."

"Waddia mean?" Lestat wondered, stopping in the midst of slapping the faux troubadour, who was about to absently strum a suspended G chord on his out- of-tune lute.

"Remember when we tried to summon Nanaki through a Gate?"

"That's true!" Vincent interjected, the question mark in his hand now an exclamation point. "Perhaps it would be. more.eh. practical for us to search for them without the use of a Gate."

Atressa nodded her agreement, and started in the easterly direction the ley- line flowed in and the faux-poet indicated earlier. "Let's go!" she called over her shoulder.

Vincent and Lestat quickly started after the young writer, leaving Sainte in the plaza. The shadow mage glanced at the dull bard and shook her head. "This story just gets weirder and weirder. I wonder what the writers were smoking." Grabbing the talent-less twit's elbow, she grumbled, "C'mon, Oh Brain of Flea. Let's go!" The two ran after the rest of their party.

"Go where?" asked the bard.

"To your next gig."

"Far out!!!"

Sainte turned and gave the wandering musician the you-did-not-just-say-that look as she caught up with the others. She then shrugged, and let the comment go.

The odd quintet trooped down the narrow, but geometrically straight Roman street as twilight ensued. As they walked, they passed the houses of the middle class, and subsequently, the hovels of the poor, and financially crippled. They continued to walk, as the stars shone, carefully avoiding refuse heaps and other things better left a mystery.

The moon was rising as the group reached the city gates. Atressa roused a sleeping watchman to allow them exit from the city. Outside the gates, still following the ley-line, the assemblage found themselves facing an ancient castle upon a lonely precipice, silhouetted against the rising moon.

"Gee, doesn't that look like the opening to a bad horror flick." Atressa commented with a grin, shattering the eerie effect.

"Makes one wonder exactly what the writers were smoking." replied Lestat, echoing Sainte's earlier snide remark.

"Well, the ley-line appears to lead to yon castle." Sainte announced.

"Then that is where we must go." Vincent said quietly, one eyebrow raised in mild bemusement.

"Gee!!! It looks like your home, Dracula!" the pseudo-musician said to Vincent. The dark man replied by clobbering him with his heavy metal claw.

Tugging on his cape, Atressa grinned, "Come along, Vincent and stop terrorizing the children!" And so they advanced upon the 'castle'.

"...should..we knock?"

Sainte shrugged. "I don't rightly know, Lestat."

Vincent was thoroughly puzzled by their hesitancy. "Knock? What's that?" Lestat stared in shock at his be-clawed friend while La Atressa kindly explained the Earthly courtesy to her RPG friend. Sainte merely ignored the whole scene.

"I guess we might as well try." her delicate hand straying for a cord of rope, but the paler limb of Lestat stayed her. "What?"

"Maybe we should try sneaking in..a back entrance, ami?"

"Um.."

"Have you guys ever heard about the duck who wanted grapes?" Everyone turned to stare at the giggling false poet. "So this duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender if he has any grapes. The bartender says, no. The duck hops off the stool and leaves. Well, the next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks for some grapes.."

"We've heard enough." Vincent growled, his angry tone effectively silencing the annoyance. "What were you saying, Lestat?"

"I was just thinking that maybe we should try a back entrance.."

"Such as?"

La Atressa, who had been surveying the grounds, suddenly leapt off the porch and jogged across the browning grass and around the corner of the palace. In silence, the others followed, dragging the complaining chowder- head behind them.

When they found the red-haired writer, she was fiddling with a lock on the doors to an old-fashioned cellar. "Hey! Gimme a claw here, willya?" she called out. The one to whom she was most obviously speaking stepped forward, and in a moment had smashed what was left of the rusted chain that bound the door shut.

"Um..how'd you know about this one, ami?" Lestat mused.

"Old house. Thought it might have one of these things!"

The vampire ran a hand through his curls and shrugged. "Lucky guess."

Sainte approached where the others were standing. "So..we just gonna barge in there?"

"..why not? I mean, what else would we do?"

"Sneak?"

Atressa was silent in thought a moment. "Well....howzabout we come in as quiet as possible, but since we have no way of knowing what's down there."

"Recommending that Clod goes first!" Lestat interjected. The girls just rolled their eyes.

Vincent calmly replied, "We wouldn't have a hostage to bargain with then."

"Like they'd really want him back.."

"If in fact these are even the ones we're looking for." Sainte added.

"This hasta be!" Atressa laughed as she tied back her hair in case she had to fight (Hair in the eyes doesn't work when you're trying to watch your enemy's every move). "When's the last time you met up with a bad-guy in a place that wasn't all creepy like this?"

Sainte raised a sardonic eyebrow at Lestat, but said nothing. The Aryan vampire, catching the less than flattering look, simpered at the girl.

"I agree with Lestat." announced Sainte at last. "Clod.er.Cloud should go first. That way, we can avoid any unnecessary casualties. And in the meanwhile...we could use a torch."

Wordlessly, Vincent walked over to an arthritic tree, and snapped a thick branch off, using his powerful, metallic claw. Once the branch was in his hands, he returned to the little group where a smiling Atressa quickly lit the end. This done, Sainte grinned, and pushed the addlebrained bard through the once locked doors.

Vincent led the way into literature's biggest cliché, holding his makeshift torch high. "Onward, and.uh.downward to victory!" the white-haired girl exclaimed, entering the cellar doors behind the dark man.

Atressa snorted inelegantly in amusement, and followed her friends with Lestat close behind.

At the bottom of the basement steps, the group of four huddled in the little pool of light cast by the lone torch. In that puddle of brightness, the twit of a troubadour was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh, great. We've lost 'im." growled Vincent in irritation.

"No great loss." Lestat proclaimed. As he did so, a sudden bright light assaulted the senses of all four.

"I found the light switch!" announced a childishly perky voice.

Once his eyes adjusted to the light, to his disappointment, Lestat saw the pesky bard standing in a corner, near a light switch. "Merde! We didn't lose him after all." he groaned.

The others stood looking around at their surroundings. The lights had illuminated a great room sectioned into little cubicles with a front panel of bulletproof glass, and a velvet rope lined walkway, as if it were a private zoo.

Sainte walked up to the nearest cubicle. Looking in, she saw a young man in black with a dejected look on his handsome face, and a long braid of brown hair running down his back. The girl's gaze wandered down to a plaque that hung on the wall of glass. She read the first line of the funny little plaque aloud. "An orphan boy of Colony L2." She turned to back to the group. "Hey, I think we've found the right place!" she whispered harshly back to them.

"No kidding?" the Aryan vampire whispered sarcastically back.

Sainte ignored him, and turned to peek into the next cubicle. A very angry blond gentleman in a gray suit was storming around like a caged lion, and shouting to the ceiling. "NICKI! GET ME OUTTA THIS FIC! I DON'T BELONG HERE!!"

Again, Sainte turned back to her companions. "Do we really have to rescue everyone?" she asked sincerely.

Atressa walked up behind Sainte, and asked, "Why do you ask?" The fire-mage looked into the second cubicle, and saw the man with the artfully tousled blond hair and gray business suit. "Oh. That's why." she murmured with a grin.

The guy spotted the red haired girl and renewed his shrieks. "CAROLINA, I SEE YOU! GET ME OUTTA HERE, NOW!!!"

"Yeah, sure thing, Ty." Atressa replied, sardonically.

"I see you've found my little collection." a new voice, obscenely smooth with rich living, intruded.

The four mages and the thick troubadour looked up to find their villain. "Hey! That's the nasty guy!" announced the faux poet.

"Kuso!" muttered Vincent, angrily, as he stood, still holding the irrelevant torch high.

"What's THAT mean?" Atressa mumured, spinning on her heel to face the "bad-guy". Seeing him, she cursed violently and drew her spear. "I THOUGHT this was your work, Hodge-Podge!" she growled. Next to her, Vincent drew Death Penalty, glowering at his long time enemy\rival all the while.

Hojo (for it was he), glared angrily at the red-haired writer. "We meet again, Atressa de la Mente.and it's payback time for all the times you've killed me in your "fanfics"!" he hissed in a voice of a dead-man. He looked none the better either: AVALANCHE and numerous slaughters in fanfiction had taken a great toll on the man that for some reason, RPG women had found so attractive. His balding head was barren now, and his dark eyes had sunken into his tightly skinned, pallid face, creating a skullish effect. He wore relatively new clothing, but it hung un- flatteringly on his gaunt form. "The same goes for you, TURK..always meddling in my affairs.this is your end!"

"Uh..Sainte?" Lestat whispered. "Who is this guy and what are they talking about?" The white haired girl was too intent on her sword and the demented professor to reply though.

"Hojo..what's the meaning of the all of this?" Vincent demanded in a quiet but forceful voice.

The baneful professor grinned thin-lipped and began his characteristic pacing. "Well, I'm glad you asked, TURK, for what fun is torture if you're the only one who knows about it?" He paused to survey the rag-tag crew of literary and electronic characters and writers. "These that you see here.." he gestured with a bony hand to the cages and their occupants, "are the subjects that with some work and painful operations will have the best aspects of their cells converged into one creature.the Ultimate Creation! And I will be the master!"

"AHEM!!!!" a loud voice growled over the lunatic's.

"Oh, ah..well...Aeris will be the actual Master." He giggled nervously.

"Excuse me?" Sainte asked, unsure if she heard the not-so-good doctor correctly.

Hojo glowered. "Heh-hem! I said that.ah.. Aeris.will be the actual Master."

"Pardon?" This time, Lestat, in a state of utter confusion, had to ask. The nearly whispered word had not reached even his preternatural ears.

The malevolent madman cradled his head in one skeletal hand, and sighed. "Okay. I said Aeris will be the actual Master."

"What?!" asked the entire congregation in great surprise.

As the perturbed professor stood, completely disgusted at having to repeat himself, the voice that originally corrected him emanated once more from a shadowy doorway. "He means me, you overblown computer viruses!" One of the shadows detached itself from the others and stepped into the unflattering halogen glare of the overhead lights. The one Hojo was so afraid to name was revealed, looking not much better than her pawn. Her once shining hair now hung limply, framing a thin, pallid, crone-like face, deeply creased with a disapproving frown. Her pink clothing was new, but upon this deathly creature, it looked like obscene grave habiliments ordered by a colour-blind undertaker.

"AERIS?!!!!!!!!!" Sainte, Atressa, and Vincent all cried at once.

"That IS what I said." Hojo muttered, but was not noticed as the death-like flower-girl grinned evilly at them.

"Who were you expecting?" she asked with a coquettish air. "Rufus Shin-Ra?" So saying, the girl flounced over to a curtained wall. "So, what is it that led you here?"

"A ley line." Sainte replied matter of factly.

Vincent, who realized she didn't mean her words in so literal a sense quickly interjected. "We're searching for Sephiroth.and Nanaki. And although I half expected finding YOU here." he glowered menacingly at the Professor, "I must say that you were the last person I thought to see.and in such a condition.."

"Well, whose fault is THAT?" the girl snapped. "Cloud's, of course! HE thought that my 'corpse' would go so nicely in the water! So romantic it was, no? So sad? HAH! Very sad until my body started getting eaten by the fish!" Atressa grimaced at the thought. "Thank goodness for my dear old friend, Professor Hojo here." she simpered, leaning against the aforementioned blushing scientist. "He resurrected me with the power he gained from The Sacrifice!"

What is it with that freak and women? Atressa thought to herself before saying aloud, "The Sacrifice?"

"Yes." Aeris grinned menacingly. "The Sacrifice..and YOU two." she pointed to Sainte and Atressa, "are just in time to give YOUR powers to OUR latest creation!!!!"

"This doesn't sound good," the white haired writer hissed to her vampire friend.

"No kidding?" he asked, distractedly. His ice blue eyes were following a shadow that scampered along the top of the curtain, above the flower girl from Hell. Louis? You're free? Noting the vampire's wandering attention, Sainte tried to capture his attention. "Hey, Lestat, got any good ideas for getting out of this one?" Still, he paid no mind. "Hey, Lestat! Yo!" she whispered harshly, and her friend continued to ignore her. She followed his gaze to see what so thoroughly captured his attention. Mistakenly, she exclaimed, "Oh, gross! Lestat! You can't be checking out Aeris!"

"And why not?" asked the villainous innocent, crossly, folding her arms across her narrow chest.

"Itai!" came Sainte's pointed response as one long-fingered, graceful, alabaster hand reached out, clamped down upon a braid of long hair that was as white as itself, and pulled down hard. The shadow-mage's head snapped back in sympathy just in time to see the lithe shadow make incomprehensible, last-second adjustments to its mysterious project. "Oh." she breathed.

Missing Lestat's subtle actions, the once-good flower girl stood looking confused for a moment. "Painful? What kind of reply is 'Painful'?" she muttered. Shaking her head, she continued. "No matter. Now, it is time for YOUR demise!" she exclaimed, motioning menacingly towards the brace of writers.

Searching for a way to allow the mysterious silhouette more time, Lestat spoke up. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Aeris looked over to her comrade in crime. He looked down at a ream of papers in his bony hands, and shook his corpse-like visage. The girl returned her gaze to the congregation. "No. I have forgotten nothing." she answered proudly.

"Oh, yes you have." the Aryan vampire insisted. "Rule 621 of the Code of Villainy. All villains must inform the heroes of both their method of death, the villain's ultimate goal or plan, and the circumstances that drove said villain to their present actions. Now, you don't want to get in trouble with the local villains' union, do you?" he finished with an oh-so- innocent smile playing upon his faded rose lips.

"Yes, Aeris. I hear that they can be quite vicious to anyone who breaks the Code." Vincent added, solemnly.

"Well," the girl sniffed, "La Atressa has broken all the rules in her fan-fictions. So, it doesn't really matter if I break that rule, does it?"

"Well. uh." Lestat was at a loss for a comeback.

Fortunately for him, Atressa wasn't. "Sainte's also in charge of this story. I've never known her to break a rule, and she's in good standing with the Villains' Union. Thus, I should think you must obey that rule."

An annoyed look creased the devilish innocent's face, making her look even more like a portent of death who forgot her signature black robes at the dry cleaners. "Very well." she trailed off as her skeletal pawn pulled a gold chord. Behind the ex-flower girl, the curtain fell away. A huge, darkly impressive machine was revealed.

"Well, as for what I'm going to do to you.."

"AHEM!!!!"

"WE'RE going to do to you.." the girl paused to glare at Hojo. "It'll be DREADFULLY painful! You see."

"We're taking all of your cells, all of the cells of the OTHER specimens, and combining them into one big glob and then are gonna see what happens!!!!"

"Yes.."

Atressa tried not to laugh at the silliness. "Oh, and what are you expecting?"

"Well," the mad scientist exclaimed before Aeris could open her mouth, "Our precious GENE SORTER machine will pick out only the best features of every specimen, you and your precious "friends" included. These cells will converge into the greatest creation ever made!"

Vincent scowled skeptically at the duo. "And just how are you going to control this.ultimate creation?"

"Ah, well, er.."

"We'll think of something." Aeris interjected before Hojo could make more of a fool of himself than he already was.

"Hmf. That's real impressive. I've seen better plots in a cemetery." relied Sainte, obviously unmoved by the revelation as she rubbed the back of her head.

Atressa stifled a snicker that crept back up on her like an aftershock. "Well. er. Sainte, they were dead, after all. Perhaps that has something to do with the.ah. oddity of their so-called plan." At the very thought of this, the red-head burst into hysterics and was soon collapsed on the floor in a pitiful heap, the eyes of both groups fixed with morbid curiosity on her writhing form.

"It's not THAT funny, 'Tressa." Sainte muttered to no effect. The other writer was still laughing like a lunatic.

Quite taken aback at this change of events, the newly dead couple looked hesitantly at each other. "Are you sure she'll be a good subject? I think she's insane!"

"It took you THAT long to figure it out?" Aeris rolled her eyes at her un-surprisingly rather hunch-backed counterpart. "Really, Hojo! You may have a great understanding of genetics, but of human nature...?" He glared angrily at her, but said nothing. After watching the hysterical girl a few moments more, the flower-girl shrugged. "Well, let's get this show on the road, so to speak. You have the tranqs?"

The cliché of a criminal grinned demonically and withdrew from his labcoat a line of syringes, each filled with dubious looking green fluid. Taking the first from the string, he nipped off the top, squirted a minimal bit out, and then lunged towards the still-laughing Atressa.

The red-haired writer dodged him by sheer accident. Still in a fit of laughter, Atressa made the mistake of attempting to stand up, but quickly fell back to the floor, as Hojo tripped over her outstretched legs.

The misguided scientist hit the stone floor hard, while the girl, still gripped by mirth, wiggled away from him. After a few minutes of silence, punctuated by Atressa's insane sounds of glee, he raised himself up on his hands, and stood up. He swayed a bit, and began to stagger toward his partner. "Aeris." he moaned, clutching his chest.

Glaring at her minion, she demanded, "What now, you worthless boob?"

He moved his arms away from his abdomen, revealing several large syringes sticking out of his body like needles in a pincushion. A greenish ooze was seeping from his many puncture wounds as he took another lurching step towards the demon flower girl. "I've.. been hit." he breathed at last, collapsing at the animated corpse's pink shod feet.

As Hojo took his last breath, Sainte looked down at her friend, still rolling on the floor with laughter. Hands on her hips, she asked, "Are you done, yet?"

Atressa jumped to her feet suddenly normal, a coy grin on her face. "Yep. All done now."

Meanwhile, Aeris was poking the professor's body with the toe of her shoe. At last she looked up and glared at Atressa and her friends. "You. You killed Hojo. Again!"

"You bastards!" Cloud echoed, earning a swift kick from Louis.

Vincent made a sound like a snort. "Good riddance," he grumbled.

"Yeah. He was looking more than a little rough after all your work, 'Tressa." Sainte said. The red-head smiled.

Aeris in the meanwhile looked about ready to explode.and anime-style steam was pouring from her bright-red ears. "YOU #&*$^%@%$ @#$^*$^Q@ ARE BLOWING ALL MY PLANS TO PIECES!!!!!!!!! " she finally screamed in a high pitched shriek. So high pitched infact that the glass to the 'cages' of the 'specimens' shattered, releasing the enraged creatures\people to attack the now terrified flower-girl.

The group stepped out of the way of the angry mob, who threatened to shred anyone who dared to oppose them. "Should...should we do something?" Atressa finally inquired of the others.

"Er.." Louis looked to Sainte who looked to Vincent who was staring into space. "'EY! VINNY!"

The dark man rounded furiously on the blond. "Don't EVER call me VINNY!" he growled in a low voice, an evil glint in his blood-gem eyes. Then, regaining his usual stoic composure, he calmly asked, "Yes?"

"Well, what do you think?"

"Of.."

Atressa interjected before Louis could become too annoyed. "Should we help Aeris or no?"

Vincent looked towards the raging mob. "Considering that the scene already looks like Dahmer's apartment..I think it's too late anyhow. Even so, I have a feeling that wasn't Aeris."

Louis's handsome face took on a look of total disgust. "Oh? Then who the heck IS it?"

Vincent shrugged. "Probably that annoyance Jenova. She doesn't give up easily."

Meanwhile, Sainte just noticed the Cajun vampire's arrival. She made a loud sound of joy, and ran to glomp (a huge, overly long bear-hug to the annoyance of the other person) him. "Hey, chere Louis' back!" she cried.

The dark-haired vampire grumbled and pushed the girl away, as the 'Orphan Boy of Colony L2' emerged from the mad mob. "Hey, you got a license for that, girly?"

"Yep!" the shadow-mage replied, presenting him with a plastic card from a back pocket of her blue jeans.

The lad looked at the novelty item, and exclaimed, "Oh, cool!" He wiped one hand on his black trousers and offered it to the group. "Hi. I'm Duo, and I have just two questions for you all."

"What?" asked Vincent, regarding the Bishonen boy curiously.

"Well, first, who were the scientisty dude and the creepy chick? Second, what the heck am I doing here?" he said at last, scratching a spot under his braid.

"Your second question has no real answer." Sainte announced, abandoning Louis' side for the front of the group. "As for your first, you wanna hang with us while we try to figure that out, hien?"

Duo nodded his assent as Lestat groaned from his place between Louis and the addlebrained poet. "Not another weirdo to look after.!"

Fortunately, the comment was ignored by the party, including the fake bard, who whimpered, "Where did Aeris go?"

A new voice intruded upon the conversation. "That wasn't the real Aeris, you nitwit of a nonentity."

"Sephiroth!" exclaimed Atressa, her light voice heavily laden with relief and apprehension.

"With friends." the half-dressed, silver haired warrior amended, with a half-smile. He stepped to one side, revealing the spiritual leader of Cosmo Canyon, and the very angry missing member of the original party.

"You. You. You. You BAKA!!!!" screeched Elenni, nearly turning purple with rage. "You left me in that icky cell!!" She lunged at Louis, who neatly sidestepped, avoiding the girl's mad dive. "Eeeeergh!! Stand still so I can flay you!!" she growled as she hit the floor. Duo and Sephiroth began to titter with Louis, who was sprinting for the door to avoid the furious teenybopper.

Atressa heaved a heavy sigh. "So, what's next? Is this really over?" she wondered aloud.

Sainte shrugged. "I guess we could see who Aeris really was, or help these guys get back to their worlds, or mayhap finally go caroling. or. or. or." The white haired girl began to stutter before she was able to finish her sentence. Dumfounded by sheer terror, she could only repeat her last word.

Atressa, too, was so completely horror-stricken, she was unable to make a sound. From out of the darkness, stepped 5 evil looking figures, dressed in overly baggy clothes, their died hair slicked into demonic miny- spikes. "OHMIGOD, it's.it's..."

"THE BACK-STREET BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!" Elenni screamed, forgetting her tiff with Louis and charging towards the beloved "singers". "IT'S THEM!!!!! IT'S THEM!!!!!!!!! IT'S.VINCENT?!!!!!!! LEMMEGO!!!!!!!!!!! ERRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

The tall man whose powerful metal claw grasped her arm unmercifully ignored the struggling girl, his attention focused on the banes of the world of decent music. "What are you doing here?' he inquired darkly.

For a moment, the boys chittered amongst themselves, then Nick stepped forward, his overly youthful face in a ridiculous looking scowl. "I suppose I could ask you freaks the same question."

"US freaks?!" Atressa retorted vehemently. "Like you have room to talk!!!!!" Much to her surprise, though, AJ suddenly shoved past his fellow back-side bums and pulled what appeared to be a gun from his back pocket, and before anyone could move, shot her!!!!!!!

Instantly, a strange aura of light surrounded the startled writer, that suddenly began to pulsate and glow, and as her friends watched in horror, she began to writhe and scream, falling to the floor, her hands clasped uselessly over her ears!

Vincent was first to act. Shoving Elenni roughly into Louis who held the rabid fan-girl fast, he sprang sprightly forward, and grabbed the offender's shirt with his claw while with the other hand he held his trusty rifle to the evil-doer's head. "What did you do to her?" he said in a soft but very compelling voice.

"Ohshit." was all the sucky singer could stammer out before Sephiroth came up behind Vincent and unceremoniously lobbed the talent-less hack's head off with a replica of Cloud's broadsword.

"Crappy weapon for a crappy singer." the Ex-SOLDIER muttered as the blade clattered to the floor.

In response, Elenni tore herself from Louis' grasp and ran to the fallen body of AJ. "HOLYOHMYGAWD!" she shrieked, "You killed AJ!!" She began to cradle the gore-streaked body in her arms, but as she did so, something strange began to happen.

A little, white number appeared over the fallen body of the Backstreet Boy, and it began to grow a new head. All the while it muttered, "Do you have any idea how much that stings?!"

Looking pained was both Vincent's and Sephiroth's response, as Elenni dropped the body of her beloved and began to back away, her expression of fear and disgust. "Oh, gross-ness!" she exclaimed.

Meanwhile, Sainte and Lestat knelt at Atressa's side to learn the cause of the girl's misery. "Make it stop. Make it stop." she moaned, pressing her hands over her ears.

"What's wrong with her?" the blond vampire inquired, stroking the redhead's long hair in an effort to calm her.

The shadow-mage ignored the quest, and dug about in her bottomless pockets for something to aide her friend. She pulled out a portable compact disk player, with headphones attached, and a disk already inside. With great care and difficulty, Sainte managed to slip the headphones on the other writer's moving head, and the disk began to plead, "Hate me, shake me, break me, take me over.!"

Immediately, Atressa's writhing torment stopped, and a little green number floated for a moment above her head.

A disgusted look crossed the face of the handsome vampire. "Oh yeah. That made a whole lot of sense.!" he grumbled. He still had yet to recover from the confusion the appearance of Hojo and Aeris caused him.

"Healing spell!" Sainte smiled sweetly before returning her attention to the creatures before them. All 5 were glaring angrily at them.

"Well, that didn't work in the least." Sephiroth was commenting to Vincent, who merely nodded. "What do we do now?"

"Panic?" Louis suggested off-handedly from behind the dark man.

The swordsman smiled, still trying to stare down his foes. "Not an option I believe."

"Especially against enemies such as these." Vincent added passively.

"WE HEARD THAT!" Kevin yelled angrily. "Never underestimate the power of..The Boyz!"

"Never OVER-estimate it either!" Sainte grumbled, her arms folded across her chest disgustedly. The 5 merely glared at her in hatred.

For a moment there was a tense silence, as the mob, now done with the bodies of Hojo and the false Aeris, watched the never-to-be-legendary conflict with rapt attention. The only sound was that of breathing and the dull hum of "Santa Monica" from Sainte's CD player. And it was that which gave Vincent the idea. "Tell me, Sainte...do you have any stereos in those pockets of yours?"

Sainte leveled the gunman an earnest look. "That is a very good question. I don't think I have stereos per se, but I might have speakers for the disk player." She then promptly began searching for said speakers. As she rummaged, she began to empty her pockets. From them, she pulled, among other things, several musical instruments.

Seeing the huge pile of what was essentially junk, Duo exclaimed, "Jeez! How do you keep all that stuff in just your pockets?!"

Sainte simply grinned enigmatically at the Gundam pilot, then turned to Vincent. "Sorry. I couldn't find my speakers." The dark man cursed silently, but quickly his eyes came to rest upon the instruments and a spark flew through their mirror-like blackness.

"Oh oh!" Elenni giggled, her attention off the Backdoor Bums for a minute second. "Vinny looks like he has an idea!"

As if to answer her question, the clawed individual reached down to the immense pile of stuff, grabbing a weather beaten guitar in his claw as he did so. Turning to the Unmemorable 5, an uncharacteristically arrogant smile crossed his lips. "Release the all of these unfortunates, especially her." he gestured to Atressa, who had come to enough to be aware of the proceedings about, "and we'll be merciful to you."

Brian scoffed and rolled his eyes, although Nick and AJ exchanged nervous glances and fidgeted restlessly. "You think you, a group of crazy writers and game freaks can beat the most popular singers in the world?" Conceitedly brushing his over-greased hair back in a manner not unlike that of Rufus Shin-Ra, he laughed egosterically. "Especially since we have Star Trek Borg shields?"

The dark man looked at them confused, but then shrugged and distributed the instruments to the others around him; a flute to Sainte, a tambourine to Elenni, a harmonica to Sephiroth, an electric guitar to Louis, and a violin to Lestat. Atressa in the meanwhile had tested the air, found that the sound bomb of bad music had dissipated, and had removed the earphones, thanking Sainte profusely. Now, she had in her grasp a small keyboard instrument that had magically fit in her friend's never ending pockets. She smiled weakly at the others from where she sat curled on the floor. "I'm gonna be ok. What song are we gonna play first?"

Sainte surveyed the 5, who now looked puzzled at the goings on. "Something by Alice Cooper? He's anti-teeny-bop."

"Um..could we ask what you all are doing?" Kevin asked quietly and unheard.

Howie, though, wasn't half so mouse-like. "Duh..guys? I don't think this is good." he murmured, his knees beginning to knock.

The white haired mage offered her enemies a very feral and dangerous grin. "Heh heh heh. be afraid, be very afraid."

Fiddling around with an electric bass, Duo hissed, "Omae o korosu." (I'm going to kill you.)

Sainte was extremely startled by the Bishonen pilot uttering those words. Instead of playing a pretty descant on her flute, she squeaked, and gave him a funny look. "Omae o korosu?! Isn't that Heero's line?"

The lad shrugged. "Eh. It seemed appropriate."

"Whatever. Vincent, you wanna count us off?"

"Hold on a minute." commanded Atressa, pointing to Elenni, who was dancing around like an idiot, and shaking the green tambourine in her hand.

The silly teenybopper flung her arms wide, nearly hitting Sephiroth, who ducked and tittered in spite of himself. Meanwhile, several of the evil pop stars jumped up, and started screeching. When they landed, they held their rears and glared at the disorganized band of would-be heroes, their eyes bright with unconcealed hatred.

Out from behind them stepped the lupine Nanaki, with bright, tasteless scraps of fabric stuck between his fangs. "I was getting bored, and you weren't getting anything done." he said, calmly with a grin as the great creature loped up.

"We're getting there." Louis muttered, doing something strange to the tuning pegs of the electric guitar he was handed.

Setting a small drum in front of the crimson creature, Sephiroth patted Nanaki on one shoulder. "Thanks, friend. Do you wish to help us out?"

In response, the Guardian of Cosmo Canyon bobbed his head, and placed a huge paw on the head of the drum. "Certainly, Sephiroth. I'd be glad to."

Impatient with the whole proceedings, Sainte began to tap her foot. "Are we ready to reduce yon worthless pile of flesh to a heap of quivering jelly, yet?" she demanded, crossing her arms around her flute.

Atressa was able to summon a small sarcastic smile. "I do believe so. Nanaki, since you're percussion, why don't you start us off?"

Once more, the huge scarlet creature bobbed his head. With competence no one knew he had, the lupine animal threw himself into his drumming, using nothing but his paws. Accompanied by Elenni, who had never ceased dancing around and shaking the tambourine, Nanaki was able to produce something that sounded like a primitive tribal dance. This unusual sound caught the attention of several in the crowd, who turned their eyes from the pop stars.

After several bars of this, Sainte jumped in feet first with a wailing descant on her flute, which Lestat's violin echoed. Back to back the two played, violin and flute vying for supremacy of melody. Then, finally blending on a final note. More of the crowd of lab subjects turned, with wide eyes, to watch the group of allies.

The final note of the flute and violin duet dyed away, leaving once more the backbeat bare. Without warning, Louis on electric guitar, Duo on bass and Sephiroth on harmonica rocketed in with a heart-wrenching blues harmony. Meanwhile, as yet more of the audience turned away from them, the Backdoor Boys blanched. Without the crowd's attention, they'd die, their magic rendered useless, and right now, their continued survival looked doubtful.

Suddenly, everything went quiet, as Vincent entered on acoustic guitar. He was playing a soft prelude that sounded distantly like Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring. Atressa, her keyboard sounding like a church organ, entered about five measures later, effectively doubling the melody, and adding more solid chords. From behind the group, a second acoustic, stringed instrument, with a weird timbre joined with a delicate counterpoint. Without missing a beat, the group of friends turned, and to their great surprise, they saw Cloud demonstrating talent with the little lute he had carried. The harmony produced by the trio had a very sacred air.

This gentle bit of music died off for a few seconds, once more leaving Nanaki's drumming bared. A couple of bars passed, and Vincent decided to begin singing. Following Sainte's suggestion, he began to sing the only Alice Cooper song he knew, appropriately titled 'Stolen Prayer'. Starting low, and soft, he crooned, "I walk these streets alone. These feeble bones I ride. My sins are etched in stone; I've got no place to hide. I feel so breakable, so I want you to leave. I'm so convincible, but have I been deceived?"

The sudden entrance, and the gunman's silky, smoky voice caused the crowd to go insane. They all cheered, hooted, or hollered, and the ladies in the audience swooned, or threw their underwear at the dark man. Some girl's pink panties hit poor Vincent in the side of the head. With great disgust, he plucked them off his head and dropped them on the floor.

Behind the crowd, the Boys' glares of hate turned to looks of horror and pain, as little white numbers began to blink above their heads. They exchanged worried glances, and then nodded. They grouped together, and began to sing one of their top hits.

"Backstreet's Back. ALLRIGHT!!!!!!!"

"Oh gag!" Atressa murmured as some of the crowd turned back to the blathering boys who were now going into a remix of "Quit Playing Games"

Before they got too far, Louis exchanged a grin with Sephiroth, then ran a loud, grity chord on his guitar, and was soon accompanied by Vincent, Atressa, and Elenni. "Can you take me higher? To a place where blind men see? Can you take me higher? To a place where there's golden streams?" sang the warrior. This time, both men and women went mad, screaming and dancing like frenzied idiots, the effect enhanced even moreso as the handsome fighter threw his head about, showering those closest to him with a silver rain.

"Oh yeah?" AJ growled. "Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine I'm leaving my life in your hands." His youthful, saccharine sweet voice regained some of the girls from the crowd, but it was clear who was winning.

"What now?" Lestat inquired of her friends. This time, it was the girls who grinned.

"In the crystalline knowledge of you.." they sang in a harmony, which although not at all like Stevie Nicks, was haunting none the less, and with Sainte's flute accompaniment, the ghostly tune cast a spell over all there. Yet, it wasn't quite enough as the BSB launched into "Bye Bye Bye"

"NO FAIR! THAT'S NSYNC!!!!!" Elenni yelped.

"Well, none of our music is original either.." Louis reminded her, but the comment started a spark in Sainte's eye.

"Think we can pull some of it off, girls?" she asked the females of the group, who nodded. "Then.Lemon Lions, Designer Fleas." The newness of the music quickly attracted the few music critics in the audience.

"What now?" Kevin was deathly pale, his 'wild-eye' contacts causing him now to look like a ghoul rather than a trendsetter.

Brian shivered. "I guess...we'll hafta do it."

"Uh-oh." The boys all said.

"Well, here goes." So saying, Howie started singing "Drives me Crazy" by the teenybopper-she-devil.

"Evil, EVIL!" Louis moaned, covering his ears. "We can't compete unless we do something teeny bopper! The teenyboppers." he gestured to Serena and Selphie who were in the audience ".Still are going for that garbage!!!"

Holding the little silver instrument away from her, Sainte grinned, and shouted to the pilot of Gundam Deathscythe, "Hey, Duo! Are you a daydream believer?"

"I fail to see what relevance that question has on our present situation." Louis interrupted, frowning.

With a wide, knowing grin still plastered on her face, Sainte shrugged. "Hey, don't get excited, man. Its cause I'm short, you know." she muttered, with an exaggerated British accent.

The light of understanding in the boy's violet eyes told all that he understood the well-veiled allusion to the ultimate in teeny-bop music. He strode up to the front of the group, and offered the audience of die-hard teenyboppers an utterly disarming grin. "Oh, I could hide 'neith the wings of a blue-bird as she sings. I wish the six o'clock ah-larm would never ring, but it rings and I rise, wipe the sleep out of my eyes. The shavin' razor's cold, and it stings." he crooned sweetly. He didn't have the British accent, or the mop-top haircut, and he wasn't short, but the crowd went wild for him, anyways, as the Gundam pilot began the chorus. "Cheer up, Sleepy Jean! Oh, what can it mean. to ah. day-dream believer and ah homecoming queen.?"

The happy-go-lucky song broke the final straw for the croaking cads. One by one, white numbers flashed above their heads like neon signs in a bar and at last, all 5 collapsed to the floor, unconscious and blissfully silent. The crowd didn't notice, though, and cried for the current band to continue playing. And so it wasn't until much, much later that the music finally ended when the last hyper-active fan fell asleep standing up.

***

"So..what do you think?" Sephiroth asked as the group surveyed his handiwork.

After a moment of deliberating, Sainte spoke up. "I think it's perfect." The others nodded their agreement.

"Serves 'em right for hittin me with a sound-bomb!" Atressa muttered from where she stood by the machine of the Megolemaniacs, Hojo and Anti- Aeris. She, Vincent, and Red were now dismantling the thing for parts with which to build a new telescope for the star-gazing wolf-lion thing, after thoroughly studying the creation. They had come to the conclusion that it wouldn't have worked anyhow, and would merely have chopped into smidgeons the unfortunate within its bowls.

"You don't thinks it's just a little harsh." Elenni said, focusing on the 5 pathetic creatures behind the plexi-glass wall of the cage before them. "I mean, they were just misguided."

"As misguided as Satan himself!" Louis interjected furiously. "Elenni, he's a scummy, money grubbing..twit! Don't even begin to feel pity for that monster!" The girl looked at her usually quiet friend with wide eyes and he blushed slightly. "Well, you know what I mean. Liking those people is.."

"Unhealthy." Lestat smiled at Duo, who up til then had been making faces at the group behind the glass.

"I especially love your touch, Sainte!" Red said, almost giggling. "Taking out their earplugs then playing their own music for them."

The haloed girl grinned anime-like. "It was only logical, y'know!"

"What're we gonna do now?" Atressa inquired from the corner. "Ideas, anyone?"

There was silence.

"Ideas at all. Anything anyone's wanted to do.."

Crickets chirped.

Huffing, the red-head stood up from where she'd been sorting nuts and bolts, and brushed herself off. "Well, if that's your reply, here's what I suggest." The brain-dead others hung to her words. "Why don't we actually go..Caroling!" She looked around only to find the other participants had disappeared. Hands on her hips, glaring into space, she growled, "It wasn't that bad of an idea!" She turned back to her self-appointed task of sorting things.

While Atressa's back was turned, the missing members of the group silently returned, wearing eighteenth century clothing. On some unspoken cue, the mélange of displaced Animé and literary characters began to sing. "Deck the halls with boughs of Holly, fa la la la la, la la la la.."

Quite surprised by the pleasant harmony behind her, the writer whorled around and laughed. "Very funny, guys!" She then joined them in their song.