Holy crap!

by Wyvern

A fanfic I did for the SMRFF fanfic challenge. We had to include: Somehow getting Usagi to get rid of Mamoru's HORRIBLE green jacket, a sundae with the works, dynamite, a school and the star locket. Plus the first and last words had to be 'Take me!' Who c

Holy Crap!
A fanfiction by : Wyvern
Rating: PG 13 (Mild cursing, nothing really bad though.)
Enjoy! ^^.


"Take me!"
"No."
"Odango-"
"That's not going to help."
"Usagi-"
"Mmmmyes?"
"GIVE ME BACK MY JACKET!"
"Oh Mamoru-san, you really seem to be suffering." Usagi wiped
off her spoon, licking a bit of chocolate syrup from the top of her
lip. "Maybe I should give it back...what do you think Minako-chan?"
Minako smiled mischievously but actually kept her mouth shut.
Turning around to look at Mamoru in the face, Usagi smiled sweetly
and said, "No."
Mamoru fell to his knees and lay his head on the table.
"Usagi....PLEASE take me to my jacket. I have an interview tomorrow
and I need to make a good impression."
Rei burst out laughing. Snickering, Usagi turned back to
her sundae. "Well then I wouldn't wear that ugly piece of green if
I were you."
The black head snapped up, cobalt eyes flashing in anger.
"ODANGO!! It's been THREE days!! Even if I'm not going to wear it,
I WANT MY JACKET back you LITTLE THIEF!"
'Aah yes...' Usagi thought in smug happiness. 'This is perhaps
the smartest thing I've ever done.'

Three days ago, Usagi had been sitting in the very same booth
she was in now, pouring over a sundae identical to the one she was
devouring today. One with hot fudge, whipped cream to the ceiling,
nuts and a happy little cherry on top...ooooo yeah.....hooooot
fuuuddgee....aaaah......oop! Back to the train of thought! She was
eating the sundae, but not enjoying it nearly as much. Usagi was
a little depressed that day, for she had had her run in with Mamoru
Chiba. The most handsomest (she doesn't care if that's not a real
word, it suits him), sexiest, most desirable guy she'd ever seen!
He was a jerk. That wasn't the only problem. But he was also completely
unnattainable. Of that she was sure. Why did all the sexy one's have
to be jerks AND off-limits? She was just rolling this thought around
in her head, when her second encounter for the day walked into the
arcade. She stooped a little lower over her ice cream and eyed him
from her booth. He waved to his friend, che, lucky Motoki-chan getting
a smile like that, and sat down on one of those fun spinny-stools
at the counter. Usagi was just about to pull her eyes away from
his sexy back, when his sexy-ness did something she had never seen
him do. He took off that disgusting, ugly, only non-sexy thing about
him, that green jacket. He laid it down on a stool beside him,
then excused himself to go to the washroom. Usagi sat up straight
in her seat. A devious, DEVIOUS plot began to unravel in her brain.
It was perfect! No wait..Motoki-chan would stop her. No wait! He
was going to the back room! BWAAHAHA!! Oh...her sundae. Usagi looked
back at the only half-eaten mountain of ice-creamy goodness and
hesitated. Leave the ice-cream and get the jacket? Or forget the
plan and finish her delicious treat? Treat...jacket? Treat...jacket?
Hey, why not both? So in a mad flurry, Usagi scarffed down the last
of her sundae so quickly, the spoon was left spinning in the dish.
Slinking out of her seat, Usagi made her way over to the jacket as
inconspicuously as she could and draped it over her arm. She whipped
her head around in every direction, making sure the coast was clear,
and calmly walked out the door. She'd done it! She was in the clear!
Until... "Oi! Where'd my jacke---Odango!" Eeep. Go go Usagi legs!
Usagi disappeared in a flash, leaving behind a poof of smoke. She
held that jacket up close to her chest, resisting the urge to just
throw it over her face and drink in the wonderful spicy smell of sexy
Mamoru-kun. (AN: Did I mention that he's sexy?!) But no! Using all
of her will-power, she just ducked her head and pumped her legs harder.
Behind her, she could hear Mamoru trying to catch up. His feet
pounding on the pavement were a sign he was close, but she could also
hear his heavy breathing. This was when all of those mad-dashes to
school were worth it. She wasn't close to being tired yet, but she
could tell he was. However, she was running out of space. Her house
was coming up within the next couple blocks, and she wasn't sure if
he'd konk out by then. Calling over her shoulder she yelled,
"Mamoru-baka! Do you really think you can beat me?! I do this every
morning!" That seemed to hit home. Mamoru's footsteps slowed to a
stop, allowing her to zip away and around a corner. Peering around
the shrubbery, Usagi saw Mamoru with his hands on his knees in an
attempt to catch his breath. "Dammit!" he cursed. Usagi giggled.
She had no idea he was so vulgar! She watched as Mamoru stood up
and walked back down the road, his head bowed low, but his fists
clenched at his sides. Oooh....he was maad. But she had his
jacket! Usagi hugged it close to her and giggled in glee. Now
she could initiate her master-plot.

Back in the present, Usagi launched herself out from the booth,
her spoon still in her mouth, and made a graceful little twirl.
"Mamoru-baaakaaa....I'm not going to give you back your jacket until
you do three things for me."
He stood up and crossed his arms. "Oh? And what things would
those be."
Usagi held up three fingers. "ONE. You must promise never ever
ever to call me 'Odango Atama' again."
He nodded.
"TWO. You must find a way to show how SORRY you are for being
mean to me all these years."
He nodded again.
"And I mean a really nice way. Not flowers, or candy, or a big
'I'm sorry' card, got it?"
"But then--"
"GOT IT?!"
"Yeeeeeees."
"Good. And three....well...." she grinned, "three will come
later. Just work on the first two for now."

"Od---Usagi. This is really not fair! I have this interview
tomorr--"
"Up bup bup!" she stopped him with a finger to his lips.
Mmmm..his soft..wonderful lips.... "You do your share in this, and
I will do mine." Placing her spoon back in her dish, Usagi excused
herself from the table and walked out of Crown's.
The girls still sitting stayed silent, but their faces said it
all. Mamoru turned back to them with a look of desperation. "Do you
know how I can fix this?"
"Just do what she says, Mamoru-san, and the jacket will be
returned to you," Makoto said.
"She's right Mamoru-kun," Ami added, "Usagi is an honourable
person. She'll give it back, if you do what she asks."
Mamoru sighed. "Allright...I suppose I don't have a choice."
Each of the girls shook their heads in unison. "Can you help me then?
Please? I really don't know what to do."
"Mamoru, that would defeat the purpose! Usagi wants you to
really think about this," Rei said.
"Exactly. I mean, the whole reason she's doing this is because
she likes yo--oh...I mean..." Minako covered her mouth, realizing her
almost-blunder. Mamoru's eyes had become wide. "Because you annoy
her so much."
He stood stock still for a few moments more, then almost as
quickly as Usagi had three days ago, dashed out of the arcade with a,
"Gotta go!"
Makoto gave Minako a sly look. "Minako-chan, you did that on
purpose, didn't you."
Minako just shrugged and took another bite of her ice-cream.
"Usagi will kill you!" Ami said.
"Hey, I'm the Senshi of love, aren't I?" Minako retorted.
"I just...helped those two along a little. Besides, it should make
things much more interesting for Usagi-chan."

~~~

Usagi sat in her bedroom, the green jacket sprawled out on
the floor in front of her. She smoothed it out one more time with
her hands, getting all of the wrinkles out. She hated this jacket.
It was sooooooo ugly. However, it was Mamo-chan's, and therefore
must be kept safe.
"Usagi!" Ikuko's voice rose up the steps. "There's someone
at the door for you!"
"Coming!" A little ball of tingly excitement rose up in Usagi's
chest. Maybe he'd come with his apology!
She opened the door, and sure enough, there was Mamoru.
Looking....cocky. Well, he always did, but he looked cockier than
usual as he smiled down at her. "I've come for my jacket, Odango."
A little wash of fear rose up in her chest, but Usagi pushed it
down and waggled a finger in his face. "Ah ah! Rule no. 1 was that
you don't call me that anymore. You're blowing it."
"But I think you would give it to me, if I asked reeeally nicely,"
he said. The words were a little bland, but the way he said it...Usagi
swallowed a golf-ball. His voice had become all smooth and dark, and
on the last two words his face had come down a little closer to hers.
A face suddenly plastered itself to the living room window. A
very..father-shaped face.
'HOLY CRAP ON A STICK!' a voice in Usagi's head bellowed. Out
of panic more than anything, Usagi pushed Mamoru down a step and
chuckled nervously. "Get out of my face Mamoru-baka. I told you
that--"
"Cut it out Usagi! Just give it back!" Mamoru snapped. "I
know that you took it because you have a crush on me, but enough with
these games! I want that jacket back!"
The father-shaped face disappeared.
Usagi was speech-less. Her face flushed completely red, so hot
that she was sure she could poach an egg on it. Tears rose up in her
eyes, but that was the last thing she wanted, so she rose her hands to
her face to try and stop them from spilling.
'Oops.' Mamoru thought. The pain in her eyes threw him against
a wall. How could he have done that? That was perhaps the meanest,
most insensitive thing he'd ever done in his life. Why to her? Was
he stupid or something?
She tried to smile jokingly, call him stupid for even thinking
such a thing, but it wouldn't come. She just stood there, trying to
move, trying to say something.
"Usagi....I'm sorry...I didn't mean it..."
The door behind Usagi flew open, slamming against the wall.
Kenjii Tsukino stood there in the door-way, wielding a very menacing
looking golf-club. A 'wood', to be exact. Slapping it against his
palm, he walked around his still unmoving daughter.
Mamoru's eye twitched. 'Yuh-oh. Chiba, you've done it now.
Not that you don't deserve it, ya big jerk,' one inner voice said.
'Shut-up you! Now is not the time! We're gonna die!' another yelled.
He expected some kind of long speech about hurting his daughter,
or at least the words, "Bucko" or "Buddy boy" to be spoken. But no.
Kenjii merely leaned over into Mamoru's face and in the darkest, most
gravelly, freakin' SCARIEST voice he'd ever used, said only one word.
"Run."

And that he did.


~~~~

Mamoru slammed his apartement door behind him, chest heaving.
"Please oh please oh please tell me he didn't find--"
"OPEN UP!" Pounding came from the other side of the door, fists
and club flailing.
Mamoru cringed. "Craaaaaaaap..."
"OPEN UP YOU LADY KILLER! You hurt my daughter, I'll SKIN YOU
ALIVE!" More pounding. Mamoru was beginning to fear the crazed father
would break his door down. Then the pounding stopped. "Allright then
Mr. You've won for now. But remember THIS and sleep tonight. I.
Know. Where. You. Live."
It took another five minutes of hearing his heart drumming in his
ears before Mamoru stood up from the door. He peeked through the little
eye-hole into the hallway and swallowed hard. Slowly opening the door,
he looked both ways down the hall, but it was clear. He cautiously
stepped out of his apartment and picked up the golf club that was
propped up against that wall. "A warning," he muttered. 'You should
beat *yourself* with it.'
Back in his apartment, Mamoru flopped himself down on the couch
and groaned. His legs still burned from all that running. Who knew
that an old guy like Mr. Tsukino could make it half-way through Tokyo
flailing a golf-club and not get tired?
He sat up on the couch, turning the club over in his hands. "I
should have let him catch me. At least then I'd feel less guilty."
'No you wouldn't. You'd just be feeling guilty in the hospital.'
"How could I have done that to her?" ''Cause you're a jjjeeeerk.'
"I'm the dumbest-" 'Meanest,' "Worst" 'Most cruel," "Guy" 'Jackass'
"In the world" 'In the *history* of the world.'
"I have to make it up to her somehow..." 'Yeah, especially
since you love her.'
HONK!
The emotional Mack truck SLAMMED into Mamoru at that very thought.
Everything just clicked into place. Why did it bother him when
he didn't run into her in the morning? He missed feeling her, touching,
talking to her. Why did he ask Motoki everything he knew about her?
He wanted to know everything she liked, disliked, had a passion for.
Why did he know that when she laughed her nose crinkled up in the
cutest way, or that her eyes sparkled whenever she managed to insult
him? Because he watched her, absorbed every movement and detail of
her. "Holey moley! I love her!" he said aloud. 'No shit, sherlock.'


~~~~~

Usagi sat with her head buried in her knees. Her eyes were
squeezed shut, the tears coming freely now that he was gone. A knock
on her door. "Usagi? Are you okay?"
"Yes mom, I'm fine. Please...I want to be alone."
"Sweetie, you really should talk about this if it's hurti--"
"I want to be ALONE!" Immediately, Usagi was sorry she had
shouted, but truth be told, the last thing she wanted right now was
to talk to her mother about the most embarrassing moment of her life.
"O-okay dear. But I'm here if you need me."
Flopping sideways onto her bed, Usagi stared up at the ceiling.
'How could he have found out?' she thought. 'Am I that obvious? But
then why didn't he bring it up before? Someone must have ratted.'
She narrowed her eyes. "Minako."

Somewhere in Tokyo, Minako sneezed.


'Well, there's nothing I can do now. He knows. Can't take that
back.' "No..but I CAN make him pay for hurting me like that." Her
eyes fell to the on the jacket that still lay on her floor. "Payback."

~~~~~~

Mamoru half-walked, half-crawled up to the Tsukino mailbox.
Opening up the flap as quietly as he could, he dropped the letter
marked "To Usagi" inside, then closed the lid on a part of the letter,
so that it could be seen. Then, he did perhaps the most daring thing.
He pressed the doorbell.
Dashing away from the door, he stood outside the fence and peered
through a crack. 'Please don't let it be Mr. Tsukino, Please don't let
it be Mr. Tsukino.' Someone upstairs must've liked him, because it was
indeed Mrs. Tsukino who opened the door and noticed the letter sticking
out of the mailbox. She looked around, but seeing no one, went back
inside the house.
Mamoru let out a huge sigh of relief. Now it was all up to Usagi
coming, and then him. He'd better get ready.

~~~~~

'Meet me at the swings in Juuban Middle School's yard at 7.
-Mamoru'

Usagi growled and crumpled the letter up into a ball. "Yeah
RIGHT I'm gonna meet you there! What does he think I am, stupid?"
She threw the letter to the ground and hopped on it, squishing it
flat. She hopped and jumped and screamed until she was out of breath.
"Aaargh. Stupid, STUPID Mamoru!"
She stood heaving and panting.
Ikuko had been watching from her doorway. "Should I help you
get ready?" she asked calmly.
Usagi sighed. "No, I can do it myself."

~~~~~

Mamoru looked down at his watch again. 'She must be late!
I've been here forever!' 'Correction, you've been here for twenty
minutes, and it's only 5 to seven. She's not late, you're just
early. Calm down! Take a deep breath or something.' Breathing
in through nose, Mamoru let the air go out through his mouth. "I
wish she'd get here," he mumbled, "this swing is killing my butt."
"Then maybe you should've picked a better rendezvous point,
dummy."
Mamoru whipped his head around at her voice, caught by surprise.
"U--Usagi..." The sun was just starting to set, and the warm rays
cast an orange and red glow over the yard. And over Usagi's golden
hair. Mamoru nearly choked at the sight of her. She'd changed into
a very pretty yellow summer dress, a pale pink sweater covering her
arms from the cool night air. The sunset made the girl glow, her
bright blue eyes especially. "Um..."
Usagi put one hand on her hip. "Are you just going to stand
there, or are you going to offer me a seat?" she asked, motioning
to one of the free swings.
"Seat?" 'Wake up! You're screwing it all up!' "Oh! Right!"
Regaining more of his natural charm, Mamoru pulled a swing over like
one would a chair from a table. "My lady."
Usagi moved over and sat down in the swing without a word. It
was then that Mamoru noticed a box in her arms, like the one you
would get after buying a piece of clothing from a store. He knew
it was his jacket. But he was no longer upset about having lost it.
He expected that it would be in itty bitty pieces by now, but he knew
he deserved it. He'd just have to find some other jacket for the
interview.
Sitting down in his own swing, Mamoru reached into his other
favourite coat, the brown bomber (AN: MY personal fave. ^.^V), and
pulled out a small box. He'd rehearsed this at his apartment about
ten times, but now his throat seemed to have closed up. He tried
to look up at Usagi, but when he did her beauty made him even more
nervous, so he looked back at the box in his hands. "Ano....Usagi...I
wanted to apologize for this afternoon. And..for all of the other
times that I've hurt your feelings."
"Mamoru, never mind, okay?" He looked up, startled. "I know
that you're only doing thing because I asked you to, so here's your
jacket. I'm sorry I took it. No damage was done." She placed the
box on his lap and stood up. "Here. You don't have to apologize to
me anymore." She turned to walk away, leaving Mamoru stunned.
"W-what? No!" He stood up, the box falling off of his lap
onto the gravel, and caught her wrist. "Usako, please!" She
stopped and turned back around, a hard expression on her features.
'He just called you USAKO!' her head squealed. 'Shut-up,
we're trying to act cool.'
Mamoru winced. "I *want* to apologize to you. I never meant
to be so..such a..."
"Jerk? Scum bag? Slime ball? Dirt eater? Dog-" Usagi
supplied.
"YES." Mamoru interrupted. She smiled a little bit, and
he grinned a little bit. "All of those things." 'Don't forget
dumb-ass, dumb-ass.' "Anyway...I wanted to make it up to you
so..." He placed the box he was still holding in her hand.
"You..got me something?" she asked in disbelief.
He nodded, the words having clogged in his throat.
Usagi lifted the lid of the box and gasped. 'Gasp of
delight? Gasp of horror?' Mamoru thought. Her hands were slightly
shaking, and Mamoru took that as a cue to move in. He picked
up the chain with the star-shaped locket and lifted the necklace
out of the box. "This is very special to me."
"Oh, Mamoru, I could never accept-"
"Just like you are," he finished. Usagi gasped again, locking
her eyes with his. He lifted her hands and placed the locket in
them. When their hands touched, a circular latch on the locket
suddenly popped open, and a beautiful little melody began to play
from it. Mamoru was just as surprised as she was. 'What the--that's
never happened before..'
"It's so beautiful.." she breathed.
Mamoru looked right into her eyes. "Not really."
"What? Are you nuts? This is gorgeous! I still don't think
that I can accept it." 'Whoa!' He'd kissed her. Check that, was
*kissing* her. Her hands tightened around the locket, its music still
tinkling forth. It wasn't a deep kiss, one with tongue and hunger
and all of that, but it was just as passionate. Usagi thought she
was going to melt.
Mamoru thought his knees were going to give way any second.
'Yes! Woo HOO! We finally did something RIGHT!' 'Quiet! You're
ruining this moment.' 'No I'm not. Nothing could ruin this.'
And, despite how evil this author tends to be when fed lines
like that, nothing really did. Not even when their lips parted.
Mamoru caught his breath and opened his eyes to look into hers.
"You still have the third thing to do for me, Mamo-chan."
'She just called you MAMO-CHAN!' 'Shut-up. We're still caught
in the moment. Hey wait a minute...' "That wasn't it?" Mamoru asked.
"Well...no. Number three was another sundae. I just figured
there was no reason to ask for it then since I'd already had one."
Mamoru laughed softly. "Well then, I suppose that's where
we're heading next."
Usagi squealed and kissed him briefly on the lips. Mamoru
blinked and grinned lazily, and was going to reach for her again when
she suddenly gasped. "Oh Mamo-chan...your jacket."
"Oh yeah." He bent to pick up the box. "So you really didn't
wreck it?"
"I was going to....but-" Mamoru pulled it out from the box,
and whimpered. The entire jacket was shredded, from sleeves to
collar, and 'JERK' was written on the back. "But I got Luna to
help."
"Y--your cat?"
Usagi nodded. "Not totally..I held it up for her....and wrote
on it."
"Aw...my poor jacket!"
Usagi walked over to him and hugged his arm. "I'm sorry
Mamo-chan! I was mad at you, and that was the closest thing to
pick on."
She slowly lifted it from his grasp and put it back in the
box. "I'm sorry."
He picked up the box and dumped it into a nearby trash can.
"That's okay. I'll just have to find something else for the
interview tomorrow."
"I'm sure you'll ace it, no matter what happens!" she said
brightly.
Mamoru smiled and took her hand. "Let's just go to Crown's."
"Kay!"
So together, hand in hand, for once without foot in mouths,
they headed out from the play-ground together.
"Besides, it *was* really ugly. For awhile, I didn't
think dynamite could help give it a face-lift."
"Usakoooo..."
"Sorry, sorry!"

~~~~~

::Two nights later::


"Mom! I'm going out!"
"Where, sweetie?"
"To Crown's!"
"With the girls?"
"Uh...Nnoooo...."
Kenjii's head suddenly appeared from outside the living room.
"Then with whom might I ask?"
"Uh.....just a friend," Usagi replied cautiously. Then the
door-bell rang. "Oh! That's h...them. See you later!" Kenjii
watched as his daughter opened the door, behind which was the boy
he'd nearly practiced his swing on. Anger again swelled up in his
fatherly chest.
"YOU!"
The boy balked. "Geh-"
"So you've come to break her heart AGAIN have you?"
"Daddy!"
Kenjii ignored her and walked out from the living room, this
time only baring his fists. "I'm gonna kick you into next week, boy!"
"Please, Mr. Tsukino, you don't understand!" the boy stuttered.
"I understand that you made my little girl cry, and that's
enough for me." Kenjii strode forward, ready to pop the boy a big
one.
Usagi leapt in front of Mamoru with her arms spread wide open.
"Daddy NO! Don't you DARE touch him!"
"Usagi, move."
"No daddy, I love him!" 'Oh that was smart.'
Kenjii's face shifted from angry to homicidal.
Usagi knew she wouldn't stop him now, so tried the other way
out. "Daddy!! Take ME!"


~~~~~~~~~~~