The Library Rendezvous Files

As recorded by Dr. HeBelievedMe

3rd year

"Blaise, do you think she would kiss me if I pay her?"

"Great Circe's Draco, she's a Gryffindor, not a hooker."

"I thought they were mutually inclusive."

"Only in Japan."

"Huh?"

"Yup."

"Wow."

"No kidding."

"Do you think she would go to Japan with me?"

"Draco!"

"What?"

"What kind of girl would go to Japan with you?"

"The kind that I could pay to kiss me."

"Is she liable to whore?"

"Good point."

"Thank you."

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"To woo her? What did Lucius tell you?"
"He said, "Son, if she's female and has got a big brain there's only one way to win her. Be as mean as possible." I considered, reflected, and decided that the old man has no idea what he's talking about."

"I don't know Draco. Just because he's your father doesn't mean he can't make a good point now and then. Besides, he has years of experience ahead of you. He's probably right about this."

"I guess so. But it seems rather tricky. There's a big chance that this all will blow up in our faces. Consider it a warning that if it doesn't work I'll write you out of my will and never speak to you again."

"Can I have that in writing?"

5th year

"Blaise, did you see her slapping Colin Creevey for taking those pervy pictures of her?"
"Who didn't? We were all eating peacefully in the great hall during the momentous occasion."

"Peacefully? Pansy was practically giving you a lap dance!"

"And this is news how?"

"Point taken."

"So… what was your point in bringing up the whole slapping business?"

"It was like watching her slapping me. Except with a different guy. I feel like she cheated on me."

"Draco, are you masochistic? Because only a guy who likes their women abusive would get jealous over her slapping someone else."

"How much physical contact have we had that I could compare it to? That slap was heaven."

"What about all the times you've copped a feel while sitting behind her in Charms?"

"That didn't count. She thought it was Goyle."

"No wonder she got all jumpy in that class. That's enough to make a grown giant cry."
"That's true. Poor thing. Maybe I should tell her the truth."

"Do you know how many times you've said that and I've waited for you to do just that and it never happens?"
"A little healthy procrastination keeps you strong."

"3 years of hearing you whining like a vampire without its warm blood is not a little procrastination. That is heapfuls of procrastination."

"Excess in all things. Or so said Merlin."

"Merlin never said that."

"Well he should have. Honestly, that guy went out into extremes in everything. The only reason why people made a big deal about him was because he was so dramatic."

"Are you aspiring to become a Merlin?"

"No, I'm aspiring to get the girl of my dreams and you are not helping me!"

"It seems that they are working. I saw her eyeing your bum the other day."

"Are you serious?"

"Dead serious."

"Blaise, why won't you look at me?"

"No reason in particular."
"You're lying about the bum thing, I know."
"Umm, no I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not?"

"BLAISE!"

"Fine, she may have actually been shooting daggers at your back, but it was in the proximity of your bum. Besides, at least she's noticing you."

"That's true."

"Thank you. Keep up the good work. There's no way she can ignore you when you have your stalkerish tendencies as top notch as this.

"Why, Blaise, I'm flattered. You think they're as good as all that."

"Absolutely. They'd award you an Order of Merlin, First Class, if there was a portion for stalkerish people."

"You just ruined the compliment."

"Well… keep up the good work anyways."

"Thanks, I will."

7th year

"This isn't working."

"I figured that out around 5th year."

"Did you have any plans to clue me in or were you just going to let me lust after her for the rest of my life. Unrequited love is such an unfashionable thing."
"What I would have done is kidnapped her, held her hostage and arranged for you to come rescue her in some ridiculously heroic way. That way she would fall desperately in love with you and Pansy and I could get on with our… erm, activities in peace."

"You can say it, man. Studying. There's nothing shameful about it."

"It's just it's all so new to me, to us. Do you know how often we had studied before 7th year?"

"I'm guessing it's less than 3 times."

"You guess right."

"Sweet nirvana! Do you guys really shag that much?"

"Hah! No, we do other things."

"Like what?"

"Umm………. Yes, we do shag that much."

"Poor girl."

"Poor girl? What about poor Blaise?"

"What's wrong with you? Do you not like your activities?"

"Oh, it's not that. I just felt left out is all."

"Hmm. Get over it."

"Don't be so rude. I'm helping you."

"Right. About that, what do we do?"

"When all else fails, turn to magic."

"Blaise, are you that disgusting?! I'm not going to force her into anything!"

"I was thinking more along the lines of a clarity potion."

"So she could see with clarity how gorgeous my hair is?"

"Draco, you are a genius."

"I don't need you to tell me what I already know. Just tell me how you came to that conclusion."

"We get a clarity potion, apply it to your blindingly white hair, and then anyone who looks at it finds their true feelings for you surfaced."

"There's just one problem with that."

"What?"

"I'm being completely serious – I have this on good account – so don't mock me. Blaise have you noticed that even without a clarity potion half the school is already pining after me?"

"As much as it pains me to admit it, you're right. We'll just have to get you to a place that you can lock yourself in alone with Granger."

"That's easy, the library on a Saturday."

"Perfect."

"Blaise, where are you going?"

"To study for the New and Enlarged Wacko Test for Sycophants."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Everyone else is making up acronyms."

"Leave it to everyone else. And help me find a potion."

"But I have to study!"

"I'll help you study if you help me find and make the potion."

"Deal."

"You gave in too easily. Do you already know a potion we can use?"

"No, I'm just really desperate for some help."

"Fair enough. Let's start looking."

A full moon and two tritan suns later

"It's finally done!"

"I know. Those Never Eat Watches and Then Sneeze were a nightmare!"

"I was talking about the potion."

"Oh."

"Lovely Hermione Granger won't know what hit her.