She was my sister. My big sister.
Even before we gave each other names, before we were seen as anything more than empty vessels to be filled with the teachings of Manticore, I knew that she was my big sister and that I loved her.
She was always so kind to me. If I had nightmares about the nomlies and she heard me she would come and wake me up then sit with me for the rest of the night. She'd never say anything about it to any of the others either, not even Zack. We never really talked about it but she seemed to know how afraid I was of them making fun of me for it. Or worse if they saw my fear as a weakness and were disappointed in me.
She was fair. She would never let any of the older, more experienced members of our unit use their knowledge against one of the younger X5's. After we made it Outside I found out that this was called bullying but it was approved of in Manticore. The reasoning seemed to be that if we were teased or humiliated due to a shortcoming or a lack of knowledge on a subject we would be motivated to correct that fault. She never agreed with that logic and would always give her defence to anyone who needed it.
She was patient. Not just with me but with all of us. If any of us ever had a problem using the weapons we were given or understanding what to do next in a training exercise she was always there to explain it. She never got annoyed or became critical even if we didn't always get it at first. I always preferred it when I was put in her team for exercises even though I knew that Zack loved us too. He just showed it in a different way.
She was beautiful. We all were, are. We were designed to be so that as adults we would be able to use our appearance to our advantage when out on field missions.
She had blond hair. I look back now and try to imagine what she would have looked like if she'd been allowed to grow it out. I can't picture it. I can't see her with long hair because I have nothing to reference it against. Long hair would have made her face look completely different because it would have given emphasis to different features. Like her eyes. She had clear blue eyes and I think that if her hair had been longer it would have drawn more attention to her eyes.
My eyes are the same shade as hers were or at least I think they are. I was barely seven when she died and I never really paid much attention to the way I looked back then on the rare occasions that I gained access to something capable of showing me my reflection. Like I said I think our eyes were the same shade but I say this looking back at her after over ten years so maybe I'm just trying to pretend, to make myself feel better about the fact that she isn't here. About the fact that she never got to see the outside world and it was thanks to her that I did.
If she hadn't died the way that she did I'm not sure that we would have made it out. Max was having a seizure and the guards came to take her away. We knew that they were going to kill her like they killed Jack but the guards pulled us away from her. They were yelling orders at us and we couldn't disobey orders. I remember knowing that Max was going to die and not knowing how to stop it. It was like I was frozen and had no choice but to follow my orders.
Then Zack jumped into action and that changed. I remember not being surprised at him because even though he loved us all, he loved Max a little bit more than the rest of us. I was surprised at her though because she always followed orders, helped drum into the rest of us how important it was to always do as we were told. I was proud of her at the same time too. She was so brave as she grabbed that gun and drove the soldiers back.
I wasn't scared as we went down the corridor. I should have been since we were leaving the only place we had ever known but I wasn't. I just knew that she'd never let anything happen to us.
There were bright lights shining in our eyes suddenly and we all stopped and flinched back, trying to see what was ahead of us. She lifted the gun defensively and raised her chin as she tried to clear her vision. She was as good as blind at that moment and that was all it took. He shot her and she fell. She didn't make a sound and when she hit the ground her face was calm. Lydecker shot her. He killed her. She wasn't a threat but he killed her anyway. All he had to do to stop her was shoot her in the leg or in the arm to stop her from firing back. He didn't have to kill her.
I stared at him as we all stood frozen there. I stared at him and I hated him. He killed my sister. I wanted to kill him; I wanted to make him suffer. Until then I hadn't really thought of what I was going to do, I was just following the others. After that moment I knew that I'd do whatever I had to in order to get over the perimeter fence and into the Outside. I'd get away from him and from Manticore even if I was the only one who made it. I'd get away so that her death wouldn't have been for nothing, so that it made a difference and so that the ones left behind were never able to forget her.
Someone, to this day I still don't know who, someone gave an awful scream of hate and pain. I joined in, we all did. It was the animal DNA I guess. The howl of mourning for our lost pack mate. We all charged forward and started fighting our way through the soldiers. They were too slow to react to have a hope of stopping us. I wanted to get at Lydecker but some of the soldiers were between us and then the others were running on and I could do nothing but follow them.
I wonder if Lydecker ever realise that he had only himself to blame for that? Probably not. For someone who preached that we should always be detached from our emotions he had one hell of a high opinion of himself. If he had only wounded her we would have been shocked long enough for the soldiers to surround us. By the time we tried to fight back it would have been too late and they would have taken at least some of us down. Even if we had got away we would have been slowed down trying to help her and her blood would have given them a trail. They would have caught up with us before Zack divided us up into pairs in that clearing. She would have been taken to the medical bay, Max would have been either taken to be evaluated or to be killed and the rest of us would have been sent back to the barracks for the remainder of the night. We wouldn't have tried to escape again, even if someone else started to have seizures. That night only really happened because Zack couldn't let Max die.
We went crashing through the windows and across the snow and I never even felt the cold because there was no room for anything in my head but the expression on her face as she had been lying on the floor in front of me.
We were divided up into pairs and sent on our way. My partner and I had to spilt up before we reached the perimeter fence because soldiers had swung around in front of us and were on the verge of cutting us off. We had to spilt up to deal with them. I think I killed more of them than I needed to. I was angry suddenly as I looked at them and I imagined that each of them was Lydecker.
I don't know if my partner got out that night or if he was one of those killed or dragged back. I looked for him once the soldiers were gone but I could see no sign of him and so I ran on alone.
I've been alone ever since except for a few times a year when Zack drops in to see how I'm doing. I know that not everyone made it out and that some of my brothers and sisters have since been recaptured but he's always refused to give me any details. Part of me hates him for that but I know that he's my only real link to them so I've never shown my real feelings.
I try to imagine what they'd all look like now if they were alive and safe somewhere on the Outside. Syl would be slim with long blond hair and the same grin she used to have. Krit would be tall but as skinny as ever with dark hair and amazing dark eyes. Max and he had the same colouring but I don't think Max would be as tall as him
I can't imagine it with her although I've often tried. Even in my mind I can't see her looking any older than she was on the night she died.
I'm almost ten years older than she was when she gave her life for us. When she taught us how to feel true pain but also how to feel hope. I'm older now, older than she ever got to be but I don't think of it that way when I remember her. When I think of her she's always my big sister. My big sister and my hero.
I love you Eva and I'll make sure that one way or another you are never forgotten.