Ask Not For Whom My Heart Beats, My Heart Beats For You…
This day, he had pictured it so many times, and it wasn't supposed to happen like this.
He had planned Itachi's death so differently.
Why her? Why must she die? Condemned to find eternal sleep whichever path she took?
Why did she have to...?
Wait a minute...
Who is she?
Often times he forgot. He didn't want to remember her, yet he somehow he did.
She was a beautiful mirage he never wanted to disappear and evaporate when he got too close.
Then she was a heartbreaking memory he wanted to be rid of, so that he might shake his head and roll his eyes with the foolishness of it all.
And yet he couldn't...
How could she be so forsaken and insignificant to him, yet overpower him the way she did?
She haunted him so much he could never get her out of his mind, in both his sleep and his wake.
But...who is she?
Someone he missed with all his heart, even though his façade revealed nothing. He longed so much to have her back that his soul seemed to waver when he thought of her, mixed with his feelings of guilt and regret.
Guilt. Regret.
Could the great Sasuke Uchiha feel any regret? Let alone guilt?
But it was his fault. It was his fault she was gone.
Mere seconds were stretched into empty, bitter eternities that he scorned with all his soul. He couldn't stop thinking about her, yet he couldn't remember.
He sank to the ground slowly, allowing a cold wave of memories to flood into his mind and overcome his heart. By the time he found his place in reality, despite his best efforts, a saltwater droplet had found its way down his cheek. He angrily wiped it away with his sleeve, muttering curses towards his weakness.
No, he wasn't shedding tears.
He wasn't, he never cried, it was all but impossible.
It was the sky that cried for her, not him.
Why?
Why must he continually dwell upon this memory?
Why was he so stuck on this…this…
This fantasy...?
This tragedy...?
This girl...?
There was nothing he could have done.
It was over.
It was over the moment she found enough courage and love to take the pain that was meant for him.
He couldn't change the past, and he couldn't forget what happened.
Never.
Who is she?
Someone special in his life, one of the chosen few. She was someone who had filled up the empty void in his heart with her perpetual love, the hateful love of him that ended her life.
"My dreams are not of the future, but of the past."
A vow. A stupid promise that he would never keep his loyalty to, not now that she was gone.
That beautiful, unimportant girl was strong enough to make him break this vow?
He closed his hazy black eyes, welcoming the cold darkness that gripped him, accompanied with a familiar glimmer of warmth that was meant only to taunt him with what now could never be.
He again recalled his blissful memories with her that always chased him into his nightmares, her gentle embraces from behind, the sound of her pure laughter, warmth emanating from her untainted soul, feeling the inner happiness of just knowing she was there.
Her image sparked through his mind, hazy from his unrelenting struggle to forget.
She'd been so beautiful. He'd loved her, even when they first encountered, when she came into his life with the stunning radiance and warmth he had come to embrace willingly. He loved her personality, he loved her ringing laughter, he loved her undying devotion and loyalty, and he loved the smile she showed just for him, a smile he never returned
He couldn't remember her voice.
It was gone.
He couldn't remember her laugh.
It was gone.
He couldn't remember her smile.
It was gone.
He couldn't remember her
She was gone…
He growled quietly, feeling slight moisture in his eyes.
He could hardly remember the emotions that once were his.
And a familiar yet unknown memory that refused to leave him alone.
"I for one have broken all former bonds."
He had been afraid.
He still was afraid.
Why?
She was gone.
She had left him.
Forever.
And now he was alone.
Forever.
He was trapped in an empty void of overwhelming darkness, a darkness that embraced him and whispered kind words that everything would be alright.
Nothing would ever be alright.
Never.
She was the light to his lonely darkness, and now spiteful destiny had taken his light forever, he was alone.
Again.
His persistent thoughts wandered back to memories of this strange girl, yet in his mind, he could only make out a blurred daydream of the tormenting female.
Why?
He couldn't understand why fate would choose such a harsh and painful destiny for her.
Couldn't it have chosen another pathetic little girl to suffer her demise?
Why did have to be her?
But he knew, deep down, that there was no such thing as fate.
Here he was, blaming fate, but the agonizing truth was destroying this consolation, deep down he knew it was his fault.
He forged his own paths, not imaginary fate.
And because he had chosen incorrectly, she was dead and he was eternally stranded in endless despair.
She. His love. His Reason. Was gone
The hope that guided him was gone.
The following darkness had caused him to stumble, and now he was desperately lost.
Again.
The rain had stalled the sun; and he glared in futility at the weeping sky.
Why was he suddenly so cold?
The rain couldn't cause this icy pain.
What could?
Was it because of that girl's missing warmth?
The warmth that had consoled his freezing and tarnished soul was now missing.
Did that cause this overwhelming cold?
That must be it.
Why was she taken away from him?
She was the only thing he had.
She was the only one who cared so deeply for him.
She was the only thing he dared to risk loving
Maybe that's why she was gone.
"No! Stop! Don't do that to mother and father!"
He still hated his brother.
Itachi killed his light, shattered his love.
It was Itachi who had taken everything from him once; he should have known not to let it happen again.
She was a weak, worthless, headstrong little girl.
But she was the fire that fed his anger.
His negligence of her safety led to this, as did his drive for vengeance.
And now he hated himself.
He couldn't protect her.
She was the fire that fed his anger, and the light that embraced his shadow.
And that radiant fire and light died.
It was his entire fault.
He was as bad as Itachi.
No.
No, he was worse than Itachi.
At least his brother could protect what was important to him, no matter the pain it caused others.
What about him?
He couldn't protect her.
Instead, it was the other way around.
It was his fault.
Why did he refuse to remember?
Why was he forgetting, but remembering at the same time?
Each sickening, bitter sting of every beautiful memory hurt his heart so much that he was sure not even death could ease the pain.
Why did it hurt so much?
He just wanted to wake up from this nightmare, to find her fast asleep beside him, perhaps trapped in his embrace, and smile in relief.
A smile that she never saw…
But he knew this nightmare was one that he'd never wake up from.
Because it was true, it was truth known as reality.
"Revenge won't make anyone happy. Not you, nor I…"
But he promised himself he'd be loyal to his dream
A stupid, childish dream that would never be fulfilled.
Happiness?
There was no such thing.
Not for him.
He was alone.
And he always would be.
Alone was forever.
He remained motionless, crying silently.
No, he wasn't really crying.
Was he?
But he was crying inwardly, shedding thick layers of sorrow, rage, and hatred.
That girl!
Why was she causing him such pain yet bliss at the same time with her mere memory?
He shook his head.
The thoughts stayed
Anger dominated conflicting emotions for the slightest moment.
It was stupid.
He was the emotionless, bleak, cold prodigy of the Uchiha clan. And here he was...crying inwardly with guilt and regret over a kunoichi's death.
Why did she do it?
Why did she do what she did?
Damn her!
He shook his head again, and allowed rain to fall freely from his soaked raven hair. He sighed inwardly and gazed desolately out into the rain.
It wasn't her fault she chose to do what she did.
It wasn't.
It was Itachi's fault.
But was it really?
No, it wasn't.
Out loud, he blamed it on Itachi, because he had always been the cause of his misery and pain.
But inside himself, he knew it was his fault.
All his fault.
He closed his eyes in an effort to block out the turmoil, but as he did so, his mind was troubled with nightmares and illusions of heavenly ignorance that had long since teased him…
"Sasuke-teme!"
"Leave me alone, Naruto."
Alone...
He was alone.
Forever.
"Teme...-"
Stupid Naruto
"Leave me alone!"
He turned on his friend, his eyes glowing red with anger as they melted to Sharingan with the force of his glare. He used to look at her that way; she was so damn caring all the time. Remembering that made his heart twinge with pain and remorse.
Naruto glared back, tears still tracing down thin black whiskers, and a determined look burning in his, faded blue eyes as he stared back at the angered Uchiha.
Damn him!
It was his fault.
No!
It was his fault, not Naruto's.
He really had to stop blaming everyone.
It wasn't Itachi's fault.
It wasn't her fault.
It wasn't Naruto's fault.
It was his fault.
His fault.
Naruto watched him, his face marred with tears and showing traces of sadness and pity.
Naruto had been close to her as well.
At least one person shared his pain.
Well...a fragment of his pain.
He was the only one who truly cared.
He was the only one who really loved her.
He was the only one who would be doomed to face a lifetime of emptiness and pain.
Her family and friends were irrelevant.
He would suffer most without her.
His anger calmed and faded steadily, only to be replaced with familiar sadness once more. The crimson color in his eyes faded to reveal glistening, onyx pools of sorrow.
He turned his back on Naruto and stared blankly at the cherry blossom tree that stood nearby, stretching its elegant dark branches, small buds and blossomed flowers of soft pink luminous in the gleaming rain.
She loved cherry blossoms.
They were her favorite flowers.
That made perfect sense.
They were known for striking beauty.
And for tragically short lives.
Oh but for the irony of it.
A single droplet of water trickled slowly down his cheek, but he was certain it was only the rain.
It just couldn't be anything else.
Naruto then spoke the words that the he himself had whispered to himself these past hours, trying to believe, trying to convince himself why he would never see her again.
He found it thus far impossible.
"I'm sorry, Sasuke. But Sakura's dead. She's gone, and you can't change that."
Sakura...?
Sakura...
Yes, he remembered now, willingly yet reluctantly.
That was her name.
She was Sakura.
She was dead.
The soft footsteps of his old friend faded away, but he didn't notice. He gazed wistfully at the cherry blossom tree, the beautiful flowers that Sakura loved, the cherry blossom tree that failed to approach the beauty she possessed.
Sakura's smiling, happy face flashed upon the cherry blossom tree and echoed in his otherwise empty eyes, so beautiful and true that he wanted to reach out and touch her, to make sure she was real.
The mesmerizing image vanished, taking away his bleak shred of hope.
She was gone.
He couldn't bring her back.
...Sakura, Naruto, Itachi…
No, it wasn't anyone else's fault.
If he had only protected her…
He closed his eyes, recollecting his beautiful memories of the happy times they spent together.
He was stuck again.
He'd never understand why Sakura was the one destined to protect him, or why she died protecting him. He'd never understand why Sakura was taken from him or why she only lived for a short time. He'd never understand why they couldn't be together, or why he could never see her again. He'd never understand why he had to see her once beautiful form in such pain, or why he'd never see her walking, talking, laughing, or smiling again.
"I love you with all my heart!"
He knew she meant it.
He had thought that she always would.
But now, it was impossible.
She just wasn't here, never again would he here those words in such a stunning light.
It was her that he'd be loyal to forever.
It was something he had to do for her.
He would never forget.
Sakura saved him. She taught him how to love, how to live, how to make the right choices and choose the right paths.
But now that she was gone, that right would belong to her alone.
No other would take her memory or replace her in his heart.
He swore it.
And he'd always miss her. But her love...is like the wind. He couldn't see it, but he could always feel it.
That same warmth, the warmth and love that only Sakura could give him.
And that was only ever truly accepted from her.
He could remember now.
And he would always.
Her memory wasn't as unfamiliar or mystifying or distorted as it had been before.
He could always feel the warmth that she alone could give him. He could always hear her singing laughter and melodic voice. He could always see her angelic face, or her heavenly smile. He could always feel the silky strands of her unique pink hair. He could always feel the affectionate touch of her warm and soft skin against his own. He could always see those beautiful, viridian orbs that held the love she held for him, the love he'd cherish forever.
Yes, she was dead. But not dead in his memory.
Immortality was meant for no one, and definitely not for her.
He was sad, knowing that he would never get to see her grow more beautiful with each passing day. But death was inevitable. And perfection such as hers was fleeting.
But she would never be forgotten. How could she? At least he knew, he would always love his Sakura.
'My Sakura.'
'I will always remember you, my Sakura.'
-
-
Please review.
Vi La Vi