By: Fire's Tempest
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me in any form. I am only using them for non-profitable, entertainment purposes.
Warnings: Yaoi, Couples – 1 / 2, and some swearing.
Author Note: This is my story from origin and you may have seen it posted under the name 'Goddess of Death'. That was me—to put it simply. I've made a few changes, though not very many.
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, just looking at my reflection. Cold, emotionless eyes stared back at me, but this really didn't surprise me. These were the same eyes that looked back at me for the last 10 years. I was now 17, the war had ended a year ago, and I still looked the same. I still had the same rugged hair, the same cold eyes, and the same body which was used to take so many lives.
Constantly, my friends comment on how they are worried about me, probably because I act just like I did in the war and I haven't changed. I don't know why. All of the other pilots have found a new life. They have all changed and they probably just feel sorry for me because I haven't.
As I continue to stare at myself in the mirror, I am surprised to find myself bringing my fist to it. It was then that I noticed that the emotionless eyes of mine were boring into me. It sickened me to look at myself.
I bring my bleeding hand up close to my face and watch the blood in awe as it runs down my arm. I don't care about the pain. Dr. J made sure of that. He had done so much to me so that I could block out pain. What I would give to be able to react to pain like a normal teenager. Damn Dr. J for what he's done to me. Of course I was aware that he was already dead, but I was wishing for eternal suffering to fall upon him in the after life.
My thoughts drift from Dr. J to all the lives that were killed by my hands in the war. I clench my teeth at the thought of all of the families that were destroyed because of me. I wouldn't allow myself to blame Dr. J for that. If I truly had been perfect like everyone had said, I could have easily avoided killing the innocent and just destroyed my true enemy.
'The Perfect Soldier' they call me. Why? I'm not perfect. I deserve to die and I've already tried. Trowa saved me the one time, and now I can't decide if I'm angry with him or grateful.
There's so much pain in my life, but it isn't all physical. Emotionally I'm tearing apart, but I don't know how to deal with it, and I dare not burden the others with it. It's then that I decide to end it.
This isn't the first time I've thought about it, mind you. However, now is the perfect opportunity. I have nothing to really lose and I no longer have a war to fight. I pick up a piece of the shattered mirror and pause for a second when it's right above my wrist. Not wanted to allow any second thoughts, I slice a vertical line along my vein and then I do it to the other wrist.
Suddenly, I hear a loud knocking at my front door and I hear someone yell my name happily. I know it's Duo, but I can't answer it. It's then that I remember that I promised him and the other's I would 'hang out' with them.
I want to answer it now, knowing that I broke a promise to them, my friends, but I can't move. I can barely stand. Soon, I hear the knock grow louder and I hear his voice again, but now it has something in it. Could it be concern? Of course not. No one gives a damn about me, nor should they. To keep myself from falling over, I grasp to the side of the sink for balance.
Duo must have gotten worried, because I can hear the front door open, and he never walks in unless I tell him to. He calls out my name again and I try to shut the bathroom door. I don't want him to see me like this.
I can hear Quatre and the others yelling behind him, but I can't make out what they're saying. Duo then yells, "He didn't answer and his car is still here so he must be home."
Just as I'm about to shut the door quietly, my body falters and I accidentally knock a piece of the mirror onto the hard, tile floor. It shatters on impact.
"Heero, is that you?" I hear him call. I once again try to shut the door and lock it as I hear Duo climb the stairs, but I can't. Just to keep myself from falling, I had to hold onto the sink again. I couldn't move.
My grip on the sink goes lax, and I feel myself fall, but before I hit the hard floor, someone catches me. "Heero!! What the hell are you doing?!!" He lays me done and wraps towels around both my wrists to keep them from bleeding.
"Duo, what's wrong?" I hear Quatre yell from the foot of the stairs.
"Call 911 and hurry!" I can hear Quatre gasp as he runs around trying to find a phone. Soon, I feel Duo's eyes on me and I look up at him, my vision beginning to blur. "What the hell were you thinking?!" I don't answer him. I'm too awed by the look of worry and sadness in his eyes.
My vision soon becomes dark and everything around me disappears. The only thing that my senses can still pick up is the sound of someone crying and I could have sworn it was Duo, but that can't be. No one cares about me.
* * * * *
I wake up to the sound of a steady beep. I try to open my eyes, but for some reason I can't. There's someone else in the room, but being as how I couldn't open my eyes to see them, I was clueless as to who it was.
"Heero? Are you awake yet, Heero?" I hear someone ask. My mind soon registers the voice as belonging to Duo. I try to answer, but I can't find the strength to do anything. After a few moments of silence, he grabs my hand and holds it. "What were you thinking Heero? Why were you trying to leave us all?"
Once again, I try to answer, but once again I can't. However, I find the strength to squeeze his hand. He gives a small gasp and yells, "You're awake Heero!" I just slightly nod at his statement. Why did he care if I was still alive? I know I didn't.
After a few moments, he yells with anger definite in his voice, "Heero! What the hell were you thinking?! Did you know you could've died?!"
At last I find the strength to talk and say weakly, "That was the idea."
"Bastard! Did you want to leave all of us?!"
"Like you guys give a shit." That was it. I could feel Duo lose all control as he brought his hand down to the side of my face.
"Well, we kind of do give a shit!", His voice suddenly softens as I feel his eyes on me. After a moment, a drop of moisture falls on my hand and I become curious.
"Why are you crying?" I ask simply.
"'Cause…for a moment there, the guys and I thought we lost you. I mean come on. You're our best bud. What the hell would we do without you?"
I remained silent but sat up in the hospital bed. Duo started to protest it, but I didn't care. I finally opened my eyes and after they adjusted to the light, I turn to look at Duo. He looked like hell. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot and it looked like he hadn't slept in a while.
"What are you looking at?" he questioned with some humor to his voice.
"You don't look well, Duo."
"Yah…but you make it sound like you do," he added with a laugh. I didn't respond. I just looked back down at the pure white sheets in front of me. Why did he care?
"Why do you care?" I could tell Duo was taken aback by this question as his eyes bore into me. Why does he keep looking at me? Why would he want to? I can't even stand looking at myself.
"Heero…"
I feel my fists clench as I look at him with rage. He suddenly moves back as I yell, "Why the fuck would anyone care about me?! Why the hell do you care about me?!" I clench my teeth and my entire body becomes tense, causing pain to shoot through my mind.
Duo sits there, but he doesn't answer. All he does is wrap his arms around me. What was he doing? I feel my body relax into the embrace, but I don't know why. "Why?" I ask again as we sit there in the same embrace.
"Because Heero…we're friends. The guys a..and I all care a..a lot about you, man. An..and it isn't just that, but—I…I love you, Heero." My face is overtaken with the look of shock as I pull away from him. He couldn't. He couldn't love me. My blood stained hands aren't deserving of love. Why would he love me?
He looked hurt. Probably because I didn't say anything. He suddenly stood up and practically ran out of the room while I stared after him. He loved me? "Duo," I call, but he is already out of earshot.
I slowly stand up from the hospital bed, pulling all of the wires and IV's from myself, and begin to walk to the door, but my vision starts to spin and I find myself on the floor. In total desperation, I try to stand again and I head for the door.
I look through the darkened hall, but I don't see Duo. Painstakingly, I walk down the hall, trying to keep my balance. I must have lost more blood than I thought. I see another corridor ahead and I give an exasperated sigh. Where is Duo? I was too tired to keep moving and I knew that. Just for a moment, I leaned against the wall, but when I went to push off, I couldn't. I was too weak. That sounds odd. Me? The 'perfect soldier' weak?
I quietly wished Duo was there. I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to my room for a while. I just needed to rest. Slowly, I feel myself slide to the floor, but I can't protest it. As I sit there on the floor, I try to gain enough strength to keep moving.
Once again, I manage to get up, but much slower than before. Continuing my journey down the corridor, I soon wished that I had tried to go back to my room. My legs now began to hurt and my head wouldn't stop spinning.
Just as I reach what looked to be a waiting room, I lose all balance and fall, but this time I don't catch the wall. I lay on the hard tile floor for a while not doing anything. My head now hurts worse than before. I must have hit it hard when I fell. I reach one hand up to where the pain is radiating from to discover a wet, sticky substance coating that part of my scalp. Well, what am I supposed to do? The halls were virtually deserted and I am too weak to move. Where is Duo?
Taking a slow and shaky breath, I push myself up, staring down at my shaky arms. Coughing weakly, I manage to kneel, blood running in a steady stream down the side of my head and neck now. My eyes began to burn as I looked around, my throat clenching, but I didn't know why. As I kneeled there, I heard footsteps in front of me, though I didn't look up—I couldn't. My head just felt so heavy.
"Heero?" I try to look up again, though to no avail, my eyes trained to bloodied hands. I feel someone's eyes on me as well as the body heat from someone at my side. An arm slips back around my waist, my arm flung over broad shoulders. Canting my head to one side, I caught sight of those warming violet eyes. "Heero, can you hear me?" I don't answer him, my eyelids starting to feel heavy. "Heero. Come on—stay awake."
I stare at him from the corner of my eyes, seeing the pain he held in his own eyes. They were such beautiful eyes and they shouldn't hold something like that. He lifted me up so I was leaned against him as I whisper softly, "Sorry Duo." I feel my eyes shut before the familiar darkness took me once again.
* * * * *
This is the second time I wake to the steady sound of beeping. However, there was some other sound there. Crying? Was that crying? "Heero. You have to wake up. You have to. Come on, things just wouldn't be the same. Get up—please?" It was Duo again, his voice shaken, not holding the usual confidence.
I cringe inwardly, not wanting to hear him cry. I hated when he cried—but it seemed that I only noticed that now. Coughing, I crack my eyes open, turning to face him, my dead eyes, meeting his vibrant ones. A watery smile plays over his features as he reaches down, holding me close. "Duo…"
"You're okay!…Why you, bastard. You had me worried!" he laughed as he hugged me tighter.
"Duo…" He didn't seem to hear me though, his arms just tightening once more. I could feel his body shake as he held to me. "Duo."
His grip loosened slowly as he pulled back, wiping at his eyes before saying, his voice a bit more calm. "Yeah, buddy?"
"Duo, I…" I didn't know how to continue that. My eyes just looked over his once more; the twin pools of violet seemed to pull me closer to him before my lips met his. It wasn't something I even realized happened until I started to pull away. As I did so, I whispered softly, "I love you." There was an eerie silence in the room and I watched as Duo's eyes grew fresh tears. Fearing that I did something wrong, I looked away hastily before I was just pulled to him again, held to him in a loving embrace.
It wasn't until then, that I realized I truly did love him. He was the closest person to me. I mean the other pilots are my friends, but Duo was the only one that seemed to get to me. His face was resting against my hospital gown, it soaked with his tears, though I still couldn't understand why he was crying—he didn't seem as though he were sad. "Duo—why are you crying?"
"Because…you love me. Man, I would never have thought it could be true! I mean you're the perfect soldier. Why would you love me?"
My insides suddenly tense at that name and I roughly push him away. I find myself looking away from him as he tries to catch my eyes.
"What's wrong, Heero? Did I say something wrong?"
My throat tightens like it did before and I feel moisture run down my cheeks as my eyes burn and sting. I'm crying? I can't be crying. Since when does the 'perfect soldier' cry? Ugh. I hate that name. Duo doesn't think he's good enough for me because I'm the perfect soldier?
I find myself glaring at him through tears. He slowly moves back at the sight of me in tears, but he doesn't have time to do anything else as I scream, almost to the point where my lungs felt as if they were going to burst, "I am not the perfect soldier!! I am nothing more than a spineless piece of shit that just so happened to be found by that bastard Dr. J!! I am not the perfect solder…" I trail off as I bury my face against my knees as I just sob. What was I doing? I am shaking too hard and I can't bring myself out of it.
"Heero?" I can't look up at Duo even though I can tell he's worried. I just keep shaking. He once again pulls me into his embrace and I just sob against him. I am still trying to pull myself out of it when he says softly, "Heero, you aren't worthless. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to be yourself. The war is over; let it all go."
My shaking slightly subsides and I stop crying as he holds me. I feel tired and I allow my eyes to shut. My head now hurt worse than before, but for some reason I felt better.
"Duo?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for saying what you said."
"Hey, no problem. Now you and I will always be together."
"Always, until the end," I add as I fall asleep in his embrace.