"Too many people overvalue what they're not and undervalue what they
are."
-Malcolm Forbes
***
BGlanders presents...
Fukanzen
***
This isn't the way it's supposed to go.
There's supposed to be a happy ending, there's supposed to be love,
love for me. After all those months, all the waiting and hoping, it was
all supposed to be so... grand. So wonderful...
This is still taking some getting used to. The change in size, the new
knowledge, everything. After all, I was given the gift of the stars in
a single day and I'm still trying to sort out the jumble in my head.
All the knowledge in the universe, and to heck if I know what to do with
any of it. And my speech! If anything has surprised me the most, its
how the assimilation has changed my whole way of talking, of perceiving
life in general. Before, I would look at a flower and say, 'that looks
pretty'. Now I look and think 'that looks beautiful'. It's this damn
double mind that she's given me. Suddenly, I'm not a kid anymore, but
isn't that what I wanted in the first place? No regrets, remember?
Damn you, Tsunami.
I was supposed to find happiness. Now look at me, huddled up under
this tree like some scared little girl, trying to get away from the pain
that I just know won't go away. I try and wrap myself in the good parts
of what happened, the joy that came from it...
Who am I kidding? I'd better stop before I make it something bigger
than it was. I'd better stop before I start crying again. Oh, why am I
so depressed? Why can't I be happy for what happened? Why why why
Why can't things ever go right?
***
The Accident
***
It all started yesterday morning. I remember I had woken up early
because I had a special breakfast planned for everyone in honor of
Roshtaria, the Jurain holiday celebrating the passing of fall and
welcoming the winter months. I was preparing my special miso soup when
I heard the normal sounds of fighting from upstairs. Ryoko and Aeka
were at it AGAIN. I washed my hands off and headed upstairs to stop
them before they woke baby Mayuka up.
When I got to the top of the stairs I saw exactly what I had thought
I'd see. Ryoko and Aeka were going at it full force while Kiyone and
Mihoshi were trying to break them up. From the sound of things, I could
tell Tenchi was hiding in the bathroom.
"How dare you Miss Ryoko! To even think that Tenchi would want such a
vile act preformed upon him as a 'wake up call'!"
Aeka was in her normal morning kimono. Ryoko was in her blue dress and
both of them looked really upset. Aeka's logs were already starting to
form all though the hall.
"Hey now! I happen to think I'd be pretty good at that! Besides, if
anyone needs to be blown away right now, it's you Aeka!"
With that, Ryoko let loose with a force bolt. Aeka shielded it and
prepared to strike back. I tried stepping in between them, but it was
no use. Aeka picked me up with her force field ant set me aside before
I could say a word.
"Stay out of this Sasami! This is between Ryoko and myself!"
Before long half the hallway was gone and the sun could be seen where
the ceiling used to be. Ryoko and Aeka then took their fight outside.
I looked to Mihoshi and Kiyone and knew that we were all thinking the
same thing:
Let them blow steam.
We all gathered and ate while Ryoko and my sister fought outside. I
got the usual praise of 'this is really good!' and 'wow, this sure looks
great!' It made me feel good to know that they appreciated my cooking,
after all, this is my main chore around the house. Everyone seemed to
be enjoying themselves except for Washu. She seemed to have a distant
look on her face half of the time. Suddenly Washu stood up and bolted
for the door. We didn't know what was going on, so we all chased after
her.
We followed her down to the lake, and that's when we saw it. We came
to a dead stop, almost in a perfect line. We didn't know how to take
what we were seeing. Washu rushed over and brought her holo-top up
immediately. I just stood there and stared. I...I couldn't believe
what I was seeing.
She was kneeling by the shore, holding a crumpled form in her arms and
shaking it wildly. I could see the tears of fear streaming down her
bloody cheeks. I could hear the tremor in her frantic voice. She was
covered in blood; it had soaked into her clothes and had started to form
tiny rivers in the earth around them. I could see her trying to wake
her up, her hand stroking her rival's head, matting her hair. I started
to run to them as fast as I could, all the time I could hear her shaky,
hysterical voice.
"Wake up! Wake up! Oh please wake up I didn't mean to hit you I didn't
mean to oh god wake up why won't you wake up DAMN YOU AEKA WAKE UP!!!"
Tenchi grabbed me before I could reach my sister, but he didn't grab me
in time. I got close enough to see... to see what had happened. Washu
was working franticly, already a table and several droids had appeared
out of nowhere, ready to treat Aeka. I knew that Washu knew what she
was doing, but I also knew the truth in one frightening second.
Aeka had a hole in her stomach the size of a bowling ball.
"Tenchi! Get Sasami out of here! She shouldn't see this! Kiyone, I'm
going to need your help with Aeka. Ryoko..."
Washu suddenly got very quiet and looked Ryoko dead in the eye. Ryoko
was still sobbing and clutching Aeka tightly. I could still see the
blood pouring out of... out of Aeka.
"Ryoko. Let Aeka go."
"Wake up wake up I didn't mean I didn't mean to oh god I..."
"Ryoko. Let Aeka go!"
"...didn't mean it was an accident it was I oh I oh god oh Aeka I'm so
I'm so I'm..."
The slap was so hard it made Ryoko fall backwards. As soon as her grip
was loosened, Kiyone grabbed Aeka from Ryoko and put her on the table.
Ryoko sat in the fetal position, sobbing and pulling on her hair.
Aeka's blood was starting to cake on Ryoko's clothes, but I don't think
Ryoko cared; she was already going into shock. I tried to get closer,
to see if Aeka was going to be all right. That's when I felt Tenchi
trying to pull me away.
"Come on Sasami, this isn't something you should see."
I stopped and tried to break free from Tenchi's grip.
"No! I'm not leaving her! Aeka's my sister and if she... I... I want
to be here with her!"
I remember the droid's tentacles wrapping around me, then carrying me
off towards the house. Tenchi followed, then the machine stopped in its
tracks.
"Tenchi, if you don't get her out of here, my robots will! Now move
it! Kiyone, apply pressure here, we need to get her to the lab..."
I could hear the anger in Washu's voice. Anger at her daughter, anger
at the accident, anger at the fact that I had to see what had happened.
Tenchi looked down at me, tears starting to form in his eyes. Then he
reached down, picked me up and carried me away over his shoulder.
I tried kicking, hitting, screaming, anything I could to get him to set
me down. I know that's not how a princess should act, but at the time I
didn't care. I remember getting farther and farther away from the
operating table, from Washu...
From Aeka.
I remember feeling small then. So many times I had thought of the
others as equals to me, forgetting about my size and my age. So many
times I had tried to be an adult while the others acted like kids, and
then there I was, being carried away on Tenchi's shoulder. There I was,
being treated like a little kid.
Tenchi carried me all the way back to the house. Once we were inside,
he set me down on the couch and went to get me something to drink. When
he came back, I was doing my best not to cry. I was trying to act as a
Jurain princess should in the face of tragedy.
"Sasami, are you okay?"
I felt his hand on my shoulder. I heard the sympathy in his voice. I
buried my face in his shoulder and let my tears flow. The shock, the
pure horror of the whole morning was just too much. All the while I was
thinking of the reasons for it, and then I realized Tenchi was too. I
pulled back, wiped my tears away and knew that I was right when I saw
the hate in Tenchi's eyes.
"Tenchi, please don't blame Ryoko for this! I know it was an accident,
it just had to be! They liked each other too much to do that on
purpose!"
He looked into my eyes, his own tears still lingering, and tried to
speak in a calming voice, but I could see how mad he was. I could see
the hate in him at that moment.
"Don't worry about either of those two. I'm sure Washu will fix Aeka
right up..."
"What about Ryoko?"
"I... don't know, Sasami. I won't know until I speak with her face to
face what will happen. I'm... I'm so sorry for this, Sasami..."
I hugged him again, the whole time thinking of how small I was in his
arms, how tiny I was. It wasn't fair! It just wasn't fair! If I were
bigger, Ryoko and Aeka wouldn't have kept fighting. If I were bigger, I
could have stopped them! They would have listened to me! If only...
I let go of Tenchi and backed away.
"Thank you, Tenchi... I... I need some time alone now, if that's
okay..."
Tenchi nodded and gave me a smile.
"I understand Sasami. I'll be here if you ever need anyone to talk to."
He kept smiling at me even though I knew he was furious. Furious at
Ryoko for what she did, how she had hurt us and most of all, he was mad
at himself for not being able to do anything about it.
***
The Confrontation
***
I used to go out to the lake on summer days when the sun wasn't too hot
and the water was calm. I used to go there to get away from all the
fighting and bickering, or when my kitchen didn't offer me any shelter
from the scuffles. Mostly I just went out there whenever I got
homesick. Funaho always reminded me of the Royal Gardens back home.
All the trees stacked so neatly in that beautiful tower. I used to play
hide and seek in there with Aeka. For hours we'd run around and then,
when mom started to call for us, we'd team up and hide from her, just
because.
Now that tree has a different meaning to me all together.
I remember how I used to climb its branches and watch the world from my
secret hiding place. It was a little area that had grown just like a
little fort and was just big enough for me. I used to crawl inside
there and watch as the others would pass by below. I remember...
***
I was hiding up there when he kissed her. It was about a week ago.
They were walking side by side by the lake, just enjoying each other's
company. I remember her walking out to Funaho on the stone path, then
stopping right beneath me. I remember Tenchi following behind her, then
stopping as she started to speak.
"Tenchi, I... I need to tell you something."
He started to speak, but she put her hand over his mouth. She wanted
to get it all out.
"Tenchi, ever since all this started, life has been one big whirlwind.
I know that ever since it all began I've... I've been in love with you,
and that you've known it all along. Maybe you didn't say anything
because of the fights between... that woman and myself..."
She started to sob then, and her eyes filled with tears as her body
shook in spasms of sorrow.
"Maybe you were just too shy or maybe you... loved her. I don't know
what your reasons were, but I know that if I don't tell you now I'll
never get the chance again. Tenchi I love you! I've loved you since I
first met you! I..."
She was cut off by his kiss. I kept as quiet as I could while they
embraced below me. I didn't know if he did it out of love or just to
make her feel better, but I guess it really doesn't matter.
He kissed her. He chose her.
And 'her' wasn't me.
I didn't know what to do. I felt like every part of me had suddenly
turned to stone and that I was going to fall into the lake at any
moment. I wanted to cry, to scream, to jump up and ask him why? I
wanted to tell him to look at me, the real me. I wanted him for once,
just once to see me as something other than a child, something other
than a little kid. I wanted him to see that I had feelings, that I was
just as good of a choice! I wanted him to see that my love for him was
real and not some girlhood crush! I wanted...
I wanted him to see me.
I didn't do anything but hide and watch. I watched as they walked off,
arm in arm, thinking they were alone, that no one had seen. I waited
until they got out of earshot, then I cried as long and as loud as I
could.
***
I ran to Funaho, tears streaming down my face and anger in my heart. I
stopped at the waters edge, glaring at the tree. Beside me I could
still see traces of blood in the grass, but the others were gone. They
probably took Aeka back to Washu's laboratory. I remember feeling the
tears building up in my eyes again at what had happened. I balled my
hands into fists and screamed at the tree.
"Tsunami! By the Royal symbol on my forehead, by my families name!
Heaven to earth, earth to ocean, ocean back to heaven! Tsunami I want
to talk to you right now!"
I felt the air around me get warm, and suddenly I was engulfed in
light. The next thing I knew, I was on the bridge of the Tsunami.
Across from me, over a pool of water, stood my other half and the ship's
namesake. She looked at me with eyes that screamed pity.
"I know why you're here, Sasami. And I know what you've come to ask
me."
"Is Aeka going to die? Well, is she? I need to know, Tsunami. Please,
tell me..."
She floated across the pond and kneeled in front of me, her eyes now
looking straight into mine. She put her hands on my shoulders and spoke
in a quiet voice.
"Sasami, You know I can't answer that. Right now she's in Washu's
hands, and I can't think of a better doctor in the entire universe."
I shook her hands off of me and did my best to stare her down.
"Why didn't I see it coming? Why didn't my dreams tell me something
would happen? They always do!"
Tsunami looked down, then spoke in a low voice.
"I didn't want you to have to see that, not even in a dream, so I
blocked it out. I thought I could alter events so that none of this
would happen, so that you wouldn't have to worry... I'm only trying to
look after you, Sasami."
"Why couldn't I see it? Because I was too young? Because a kid
shouldn't have to see her sister die over and over again? Why didn't
you stop my other dreams then? What made this one so special?"
"Because, the others were... unclear. Even to myself. When I saw this
one however, I... I knew that it wasn't a cryptic riddle, that it was
real. I wanted to shield you from that Sasami... I'm sorry."
"It shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have happened at all, and you
know there's a way to save her, you know it!"
Tsunami shook her head, sorrow written on her face.
"Sasami, you know the only way I could save her would be to..."
She stopped cold, a look of pure horror on her face. She backed away
from me, knowing what I was going to ask next.
"Do it, Tsunami. It's the only way."
She shook her head, all the while pain showed in her eyes at my choice.
"Sasami, if I do this, there will be no turning back. Are you really
that eager to throw away your childhood?"
"If it means saving Aeka, then yes I am."
"This isn't just about Aeka, is it?"
"Of course it isn't!" The tears, the ones that only a child could cry,
started to pour down my cheeks. "I've spent my whole life being thought
of as a little kid, and until today I never really cared, but Aeka may
die and it's because I wasn't big enough to stop them, or Ryoko may
leave and I'll be too young to have a say, or Tenchi..."
Tsunami's lips formed a bittersweet smile.
"Or Tenchi might not love you because you're not 'mature' enough? Right
now I'd almost agree with him. Listen to yourself, listen to your
demand! Sasami these are obstacles that every child must overcome
before they reach adulthood. To try and avoid them like this, to try
and grow up too fast... Are you sure about this? Would you toss the
gift I've given you away so freely? The gift of a full childhood?"
"If it means the difference between Aeka living or dying, then yes."
She sighed, then hugged me gently, like a mother hugging a small child.
"You know that I will comply, but please Sasami, if you really want
this, then promise me you'll take it and never look back, no matter
what. For both our sake's, promise me."
I nodded, and as I did, a strange glow started to come from Tsunami and
myself. She leaned forward and kissed my forehead, letting her tears
fall on my face as she did so. I could hear a slight tremor in her
voice, and when she spoke, it was hardly a whisper.
"So be it."
***
Fukanzen no Tsunami
***
When I came to, I was lying on the shore of the lake. It was night,
and the stars overhead were bright and blinking in the night sky. I
picked myself up off the ground and took a step.
Then I fell flat on my face.
I cursed to myself, then picked myself up again, this time adjusting
for the new legs. Heck, I was adjusting to a new body. The height, the
new balance, the added weight in front, it was all so new, so...
foreign. I kept remembering that this was how Ryoko and my sister must
feel every day. Once I got my equilibrium back, I noticed that I was
dressed in the same ceremonial kimono that Tsunami
That I
Wore. I looked in the lake to view my new body and found that my hair
had gone from two ponytails to one. I stood for a good five minutes
just staring at the new me. The whole time, I could feel Tsunami's
presence, her spirit watching over me.
Once I had finished inspecting the new me, I headed back to the house.
When I walked through the front door, the lights were off and Tenchi was
asleep on the couch. I crept past him, not wanting to wake him up, and
quietly entered Washu's lab.
It was dark in there, darker than usual. In the center of the lab, one
solid beam of white light pierced the void and revealed Aeka in what
looked like a glass cylinder filled with liquid. A metal probe covered
up her stomach.
I walked closer and saw Kiyone passed out from exhaustion in a chair in
the corner. She still had traces of Aeka's blood on her clothes and in
her hair. I put my hand on her forehead and concentrated with all of my
might. Slowly, the hand started to glow and a smile crept across
Kiyone's face. She had been working hard all day and I wanted to make
sure she slept deeply. Without turning, I called out to the darkness
around me.
"Will she live?"
"It's hard to say. It's been touch and go all day and now... Now all we
can do is wait and see."
I heard her before I saw her. I knew that she had been watching. I
don't know how, but I knew where she was even before she spoke. I knew
before I had asked my own question.
I just knew.
"So, I see you've gone ahead and assimilated her. I was wondering how
long you would wait."
I turned, and out of the shadows of the lab walked Washu. I answered
her, and when I did, I felt as if I was two voices speaking as one, as
if she and I had no meaning when Washu spoke of Tsunami and Sasami. At
that moment, I knew, and the knowledge frightened me to death.
"Sasami made the choice, Tsunami agreed, and now I'm here of both our
wills. It was a decision."
Washu nodded, a sick grin growing on her face.
"And tell me, was this decision totally prompted by Aeka's brush with
death, or could it be more than that? Maybe it had something to do with
the fact that 'little' Sasami couldn't stop the fighting? Maybe it even
had something to do with Tenchi and knowing that it would be years
before he'd even THINK of kissing you? Tell me, 'little' Sasami, which
is it? One? Two? Three? Maybe all of the above?"
I put my hands over my ears. I could feel tears starting to run down
my cheeks. Why was she being so cruel? Why was she talking like this
to me?
"Stop it, Washu. Please, I... I didn't make this choice lightly. I
needed to, for Aeka, and for... and for me."
Washu reached out, and like magic her holo-top appeared. After typing
for several seconds, she closed her computer and locked eyes with me.
"I thought so. You're so mixed up right now you don't even know who
you are! Have you been listening to yourself? Sasami never talked like
you do, but Tsunami did. It's not just your body you gave up, Sasami.
You gave up a piece of your soul. I hope to God you know what it is you
think you're doing."
I wiped the tears away; my confusion turned to rage. How dare she
speak this way to me! I was a goddess! I was
I was a child.
"I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm saving my sister's life."
"And in the process," her voice grew soft as she moved towards me,
"you've given up yours."
At that moment, I saw pity in the mad scientist's eyes. I saw the pain
at having lost now two people that she held dear in one day. All I
could think of was that she was wrong. I was still Sasami and I always
would be. The only difference was that now I had a body that matched my
mind. I was fine.
Just. Fine.
I smiled at her then, and touched her face. She was so small compared
to me, but I could feel her age at that moment. I could sense the
feeling of loss that had followed her all through her life. At that
moment, another floodgate of memories that were not mine exploded, and I
stumbled backwards from Washu. I stumbled backwards, staring in shock
and sorrow at one who I suddenly knew all too well.
"Washu..."
I moved to her again, that time the tears in my eyes being those of
sorrow. Sorrow for my sister, who would never find happiness in her
humanity until that too was lost in the emptiness of immortality.
I turned then, trying to avoid eye contact with Washu and focused on my
other, my real sister.
"Aeka..."
I moved towards the cylinder, not knowing if I was walking or gliding.
I suddenly felt detached, disorientated... like I was suddenly in two
places at once.
No.
Like I was suddenly two people in one place. I felt a power start to
course through my body, and once I reached Aeka, I let my instincts take
over. Aeka started to glow in her capsule, and a strange bluish light
suddenly exploded throughout the lab. I was awake, alert, but I didn't
feel scared. In fact, even when the light grew so bright I couldn't
even see what I was doing, I felt as if there was nothing to fear, that
everything would turn out all right.
I just knew.
When it was over, I dropped to my knees from exhaustion. It was done.
Aeka was safe. Washu moved to help me, then turned and opened the
stasis tube my sister was in. A mass of tentacles dropped from the
ceiling, wrapping around her and carrying her gently to an examination
table. When Aeka was safe, Washu came to my side and gently helped me
up.
"You poor child. What have you done? What have you done...?"
I stood up with her help, then turned to her and spoke in a drained
voice,
"I did what was needed. Aeka would have died if I hadn't and that's
something I couldn't allow."
"You don't know that. I could have fixed her in time. Now instead of
losing my daughter's best friend... I've lost my own..."
I had never thought of it like that before. Washu and I talked a lot,
but I never considered that with such a difference in age between us
that she considered me a friend. Of all the members of our family, she
was the one that was the most distant.
Of all the members, she was the one that knew how I felt.
Washu and I walked over to where Aeka was lying. After a few commands
on her holo-top, the metal probes over her stomach vanished, revealing
smooth, un-scarred skin where a hole had been only moments before.
"Amazing. The powers of the Light Hawk are practically unlimited..."
Washu stood in awe of my work. I suppressed a slight smile. After all,
my magic had just driven her science into the ground, and she didn't
even seem to care. I stroked the side of Aeka's face, satisfied that I
had done my part. She was safe, and that was all that mattered.
As I walked to the door, I heard Washu's voice behind me, cutting
through the air like a knife.
"Aeka's healed now. Good, then your job is finished, but you're still
here and Sasami's youth is still lost. I really must ask myself if this
was a fair trade off, in the end."
I stopped a meter from the door and spoke without turning.
"What do I have to say or do to make you understand? What is it that
you need to know?"
"I have only one question left for you, my dear little Sasami."
I turned to face her then, and once again I was taken back by the sorrow
in her eyes.
"So what happens now?"
"We all make choices Washu. This was mine, and now I have to live with
it."
As the door to the lab closed, I could hear her whispering.
"Yes you do, my little friend. Yes you do."
***
The Roof
***
The house was as still as a tomb. I walked
Floated
As quietly as I could past Tenchi, trying my hardest not to wake him
up. I crept up the stairs and once I reached the third floor, I opened
the attic window and went outside.
She was sitting in her usual spot, right above Tenchi's room. Her back
was to me, and I could see her body shaking with sobs. She was so
distracted that she didn't even notice me until I sat down beside her.
When she finally turned and looked at me, the new me, she just about
fell of the roof in surprise.
"Tsunami! What... What are you doing here?"
Her voice suddenly grew hoarse with fear.
"Have you come about Aeka?"
She was terrified of me. She thought I was going to destroy her for
what she had done. I could see the tears increase as they fell down her
face, but she didn't try to run from me. She just sat there, waiting to
be punished for hurting her friend.
I smiled then, and put my hand on her shoulder. When she saw that
there was no malice in my eyes or hate in my soul, she leaned into me
and let her tears flow.
"There there little one, it's okay... it's okay..."
After what seemed like hours, she stopped sobbing, wiped her face off
and looked at me, all the time trying to regain her composure.
"Does this... does this mean that...?"
I nodded.
"Aeka will be just fine. I've seen to it myself."
She smiled at me, then suddenly her face drained of color.
"You... you're... you're not Tsunami, are you?"
I sighed and nodded. Her eyes grew wide with realization.
"No I'm not... I'm Sasami."
Ryoko stared at me for what felt like years. Her eyes tracing every
inch of this new foreign body before her. A body that surpassed her own
in every respect. I sat patiently and waited for the question I knew
was coming.
"Why?"
"Because Aeka would have died if I hadn't. It was the only way to save
her... and myself."
Ryoko turned her head to the lake and gazed at the spot where it had
happened. After a time, she spoke.
"It really was an accident, despite what Tenchi... said. We were
having it out like we always do. It's turned into kind of a morning
exercise for us, you know? We were really getting into it today. Both
of us were opening up, pushing our limits... I... I didn't mean to put
that much power into my blow... it just... happened. I saw it go right
through her force field and... oh god it... it... are you sure she's
okay? Are you absolutely sure? I mean, she was..."
Ryoko started to convulse with sobs as I laid my hand on her shoulder.
"I'm sure. I healed her myself."
She smiled at me, her face a mask of relief.
"Thank you Tsu... Sasami. Thank you."
We sat there in silence for a good length of time. When she finally
spoke, her voice was steadier, calmer.
"So... are you going to stay like that or are you going to go back to
normal?"
I remained calm, even though the question made me freeze up inside.
"This is who I am, and this is how I'll stay, Ryoko."
She turned to me, now with new tears in her eyes. Her voice started to
loose some of the ruggedness it had gained.
"So that's it? Good bye Sasami, hello Tsunami? You're just going to
keep her like that forever? Why Tsunami? Why couldn't you just leave
well enough alone?"
I knew this was coming. Why? Why couldn't anyone believe that it had
been of my own free will? Why couldn't they see? This was MY choice!
This was MY decision!
But who was I?
"I made the choice of my own free will, Ryoko. Now I'll be an adult on
the outside as well as on the inside. It's still the same Sasami, I'm
just a little more grown up, that's all."
Ryoko shook her head at my answer.
"You can change back though, right? I mean, you can go back to the way
you were, can't you?"
A look from me and she knew.
A single tear rolled down her cheek, as her face grew rigid. Her body
stiffened and her gaze turned back to the lake.
"So is that why you came up here? To gloat? To let me see once and
for all what my punishment was for what I did?"
"Ryoko, I only wanted to make sure you were all right..."
She turned and slapped me so hard that for a moment, I thought I would
fall of the roof.
"Bull! Now that you're like this, I'll have no... no chance... You
really want to know how I am? I'm horrible, that's how I am. After you
left, Tenchi found me and... I... he screamed at me, Sasami. He told
me to leave, that I had gone too far... I... I didn't know what to do,
so I hid up here. I never thought he'd get that angry, that he
would... I didn't mean to do it, do you hear me? I didn't mean to do
it! Why can't he understand that? And now you're here with that...
that body. He'll choose you now, you know he will. I've lost, for all
time, any chance at what we had, what we could have had..."
She reached out, touching the mark her palm had left.
"Why couldn't you have waited? Why did it have to happen so fast? I
always knew... I mean... ever since the Hot Springs... that you would
come. Both of us knew what would happen, I just never thought... I
never thought it would happen so soon. I guess it's fitting, I loose my
fri... rival only to be defeated by her sister."
"Ryoko... I never knew..."
She floated off the roof before I could console her. With her back to
me, she started to slowly vanish.
"You've won, Tsunami. Enjoy your prize."
I watched as she turned to mist, then vanished completely. I stood
with my hand out, still hoping she would come back. Why didn't they
understand? Why couldn't they see my reasons?
Why?
***
No Regrets
***
I left the window open as I walked back into he house. The night air
was cool and had a pleasant scent to it. I wanted that air to fill up
the whole household and let everyone share in it.
As I walked down the stairs, I could hear movement form the couch.
Tenchi would understand, I just knew he would! He was the most
understanding person I knew! He would see that it had been my choice,
no one else's! He would see that I'm not a little kid anymore, that I
was capable of feelings and maturity, just like he was! He would see...
He had to.
"Tenchi?"
I heard him rise from the couch. He was still half-asleep, but when he
saw me, saw the new me, his eyes went wide with shock.
"Tsu... Tsunami! Are you here about Aeka?"
I smiled and glided down the rest of the stairs. I made my way over to
him, smiling the whole time at the look on his face. He was in awe of
me, I could tell.
"Don't worry about Aeka, I've seen to her needs already, Tenchi."
I stepped back then, and like some schoolgirl with a new dress I spun in
a circle, showing off my new adulthood. My robes fluttered in the air
and a giggle escaped my mouth.
"Do you like it? Tenchi please tell me you're happy for me, please? It
would mean a lot to me..."
He nodded, still wide-eyed. I heard an 'uh-huh' escape his throat.
"Tsunami... you seem so... well, so different. Is everything alright?"
I giggled again and took his hands in mine. I looked into his eyes and
smiled.
"It's me Tenchi, Sasami."
For a moment he stood with the same expression on his face, then his
eyes got even wider. He looked at me again, this time in confusion.
"Why did you... bond with Tsunami so soon? Was it time for you to, or
was this a choice?"
"This was my choice Tenchi. I asked Tsunami, she complied, and now
we're one in the same. You can call me whichever you like."
He just kept staring, not knowing what to say. A thousand thoughts had
to be rushing through his mind, but I didn't care. I only wanted to
know, to be sure of one thing.
"Tenchi I... I need to tell you something."
I put my hand over his mouth, not wanting him to interrupt me. I needed
to tell him, to let it all out. I took a deep breath and let my
emotions flow.
"For a long time, I've watched as the other's fought for your
attention... for your love. I know that you've never thought of me as
someone who could... feel this way, but the truth of it is... Tenchi I
love you. I've loved you since the day I first saw the goodness in your
heart. At first it was just a young girl's crush, but before long it
grew to be more than that. Maybe it was because of my link with
Tsunami, or maybe it was because of my own inner emotions, but it
doesn't really matter now. I love you Tenchi, I always have and I know
now I always will."
I removed my hand from his mouth and took a step back. If he was
speechless before, he was mute now. I had done it. I had poured my
heart out, not as a little girl, but as a woman.
Is this your true reason for assimilation? To confess a girlhood
crush? Is this why you threw away your adolescence?
Tsunami. She was speaking to me inside of my mind. I could hear a
trace of bitterness in her voice as she whispered in my head.
'No. I already told you I did it to save my sister's life.'
And this idea wasn't playing around in your mind? I know how you can
plot, Sasami. I've seen you extort from your sister before. Tell me,
was this just another form of extortion?
'No! It's just that... things are happening so quickly right now. I
didn't know so many people would feel so bad about my choice...'
Sasami, growing up is all about time and how fast it can slip through
your fingers. You've traded the most memorable years of your life away.
'I traded them for Aeka's! If I hadn't...'
If you hadn't saved Aeka, Washu would have. You knew it too. If
saving Aeka was beyond her knowledge, then what hope could we have had?
'Please! I just... I just did what I thought was right.'
No, you did what you thought was adult. And now what shall we do,
Sasami. Will you regret your decision, or will you cast your regrets
aside and look only to the future?
I moved forward, grasping Tenchi's hands in mine. I pressed my lips to
his and kissed him, letting my emotions take over.
'No regrets, Tsunami. Never again.'
***
It was my first kiss.
I'd seen other people kiss on television, and I had seen my father and
mother do it too. This one was mine, though. I wanted it to last
forever; the warmth of his lips against mine, the closeness of his body
to my own. It was... strange. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew
that it was different from my fantasies and dreams.
I remember embracing him as tightly as I could. I could feel his arms
freeze, then slowly wrap around me. I remember pulling him down to the
couch, him tripping over his own feet while I loosened my Jurain robes.
I didn't know exactly what I was doing, or even why, but I had made a
vow.
No regrets.
I could feel his body pressing against mine. I could feel his warmth,
his nervousness from my touch. I felt new sensations and emotions as we
continued. Feelings of uncertainty, fear and excitement. I remember
removing his clothing when his own fumbling hands couldn't even find his
belt buckle. He let me take over, but I didn't really know what to do
next either. I remember...
I remember the feel of his body next to mine, the closeness of it all.
I could feel my chest pressed against his, my heart beating a mile a
minute. When he... I guess you could say when he entered me, I felt a
sudden twinge of pain. Suddenly everything was moving too fast, too
suddenly for me to keep up. I remember feeling him tense, then move
faster, but only for a few moments.
I closed my eyes as tight as I could. I remember holding on to his
shoulders so hard that I had bruised his skin. It only lasted a few
seconds, but during the entire time, I felt like something was horribly
wrong, like this shouldn't have happened in the first place. When he
finally... finished, I remember feeling a wave of dizziness. It was
like a sudden shock of pain inside me, and at first I thought something
was wrong. I felt my whole body tense up at once, and a sudden cold
chill racing through my body, leaving me disorientated. He was
breathing heavily from fear and excitement, and after a few moments, he
started to calm himself, slowly letting his hold on me start to loosen.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, we were finished.
I had read the books that Tenchi's father bought, even the one's he
kept hidden high on the shelves. I had read about men and women being
entwined in passion, about heaving breasts and rippling muscles. I had
read about orgasms and pleasure and a thousand other things that were
supposed to have happened. It was supposed to have been exhilarating,
intoxicating, an unending wave of pleasure.
When it was over, he put his arm around me and tried to hold me, but I
was feeling cold, feeling...
Guilt.
I couldn't explain it, but all throughout my body, a voice screaming
'this was wrong' kept echoing. It wasn't uplifting, it wasn't a wave of
pleasure, instead it felt more like... like my soul had a stain on it,
and no matter how hard I tried I would never be able to get it out.
Even though the room was warm, I could still feel a deep cold to growing
in the pit of my stomach. Goosebumps started to form all over my body
and I shivered at the cold that just wouldn't go away. I tried to get
warm in his embrace, but it was no use. I looked up into his face and
saw him smiling down at me, that same smile that I had seen countless
times before. That same handsome face, those same caring eyes. He had
chosen, and this time, the 'her' was me.
So why did I feel so awful?
I rose, gathering my robes. Tenchi tried to follow, but I put my hand
to his forehead and concentrated. He fell back onto the couch,
completely passed out. I needed some time to think, to reflect.
I needed some time alone.
***
Fukanzen no Sasami
***
It's a beautiful night.
The stars are reflecting off the glassy surface of the lake as Funaho's
branches sway in the cool night breeze. I lean against her strong base
and shiver, even though it isn't that cold outside.
My cold comes from deep within me.
Here I am, huddling under this tree, wondering why I can't find any joy
in what I've done. Here I am, wondering what it is I'm supposed to do
next.
"Why do I feel this way? What's happened to me? Tsunami..."
A glimmer of light appears over the water, and in moments a face that
mirrors mine appears before me. Tsunami, in all her glory, hovers in
her translucency over the shimmering water.
"Why Tsunami? Why do I feel this way?"
I see her float towards me across the water. I feel her hand on my
cheek, and in her eyes, I see her sadness.
"Oh my little Sasami. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, but
what's done is done. You're feeling guilt, Sasami."
"Guilt? Guilt for what? I... I did what my heart told me to..."
"That's the problem my poor little child. You've dreamed of being
Tenchi's equal for months, all the while letting your hopes and
fantasies pile on top of each other. You had built an entire fantasy
world of a love that could never be, and when you saw Tenchi with..."
I stiffen. I know what she will say. I know, and I don't want to
listen anymore.
"I'm sorry Sasami. This is my fault. I should have never agreed, but
I couldn't refuse you, I never could. I know I was being hard on you
before, but that was to make sure I hadn't made the wrong choice. I
wanted to be sure you could handle the gift I had given you, and in
doing so I pushed you beyond your limits."
I feel her arms around me, and I let myself sink into her motherly
embrace. I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks, the tears of a
child. I know now that I'm not an adult, that even though my body and
mind seem mature, my soul is still a child's. Tsunami hugs me tighter
and starts to rock me back and forth. She speaks softly, and I can hear
the pain in her voice.
"I shouldn't have let this happen, but I didn't have a choice. You
know that I'm Tsunami, your ship, and I would obey you even if it meant
my own death, Sasami. I tried to tell you... Sasami I tried to shield
you from all of this, all the pain, but I failed, and now...
"You feel guilt because even though you may have wanted to make love to
Tenchi, your conscious knew better. Subconsciously you knew that it was
wrong; it was founded by false hopes, and that he was reacting out of
instinct and confusion, not love. Oh Sasami, you may look like an
adult, but inside your soul is still young. You're no longer a child,
but you're also not an adult."
"Then... what am I?"
She strokes my hair and continues to rock. I let myself start to sink
into her robes as we sit huddled under the quiet branches of Funaho.
Around us, fireflies start to emerge from the grass. Soon we are
covered in a blanket of soft, yellow light.
"You're fukanzen, my little Sasami. You're an incomplete being.
You've never felt the evils of the world on your shoulders, so you don't
know how to react when it starts to heap itself upon you. My dearest
Sasami, don't cry. To be imperfect in such a way is a blessing. That
is the greatest gift of your childhood, and now... Now it is time to
move on."
I wipe my tears away and look into her eyes.
"No regrets?"
She smiles at me, and kisses my forehead.
"Never regret life Sasami, as long as you never forget those that make
it special."
I know. I know that she is right. I'm still a child, but now I am
more, now I am less. I'm imperfect, incomplete, but I know now that to
be incomplete is to have a purpose in life, to have a direction. I know
now that my life as a child is truly over.
I know now that my life as an adult is just beginning.
***
Sailing Away
***
And now here I am. I left that night, taking nothing with me but my
memories. I keep thinking about them, my family back on earth. I don't
know what will happen once they realize I've left. I don't know what
they'll do, but I can't. I can't focus on that right now. I have to
keep my eyes facing forward to the endless sea of stars. I must turn a
deaf ear to the voice that say to turn back, to back to his arms, to his
love. He had chosen me and now here I am, running away...
But he didn't chose me, I chose him. It wasn't an act of love, but of
instinct. I can't focus on that anymore. He had chosen already, and
she... she loved him. With her, it wasn't some childhood crush or a
false dream, but true, unconditional love. I don't know if they'll
still be together after everything that's happened... everything I've
done. I don't know. I can't know.
Now, Tsunami and myself are truly one in the same. We both see with the
same eyes, speak with the same voice.
We both feel with the same heart.
Before, I felt nothing but anger towards Tsunami for what had
happened. For the longest time, I didn't know how to react, how to cope
with whom and what I was. Before, I still felt pain, still felt the
emptiness of guilt inside me. Everything had been so sudden, so
incredibly fast. Before, I had felt nothing but bitterness for my
actions, but now, now I know. I know what I am.
With a thought, the ship starts to move faster through the void. I can
feel my guilt, ever present, in the back of my mind. I can still hear
her
My
Words from the lake. I'm Fukanzen. Imperfect. Incomplete. I'm still
a child to the cosmos, and it's time for the child to grow up, once and
for all.
Right now, all I can see is the endless sea ahead of me.
Right now, I have no regrets.
***
Author's notes:
Hi folks!
First of, thanks very much to K'thardin for proofing this story. I
can't think of anyone better to have editing a Tsunami sex scene. ^_^
Also, thanks to Leon-san for taking the time to pre-read this.
Domo-arigato!
Secondly, as always thanks to Gensao for providing the world with a
place to find and post fanfics.
Thirdly, so you folks know, this was a challenge. I told the world I
could write a non-perverted Sasami lemon, then set out to try. I hope
you consider this close enough. ^_^;
Finally, yes I know everyone was out of character slightly, but I don't
give a hoot. It's a lemon, and in the world of lemons, 12 year old
girls can perform athletic feats the most flexible strippers would be in
awe of, Blue haired demons are heroin craving addicts, authors/original
character's can romp with any and every member of the TM! Cast and dead
side characters from movies can be reincarnated. It's a wonderful life,
folks.
Tenchi & Co. belong to AIC and Pioneer
All C&C should go to BGlanders@aol.com