Merlin was sitting in the forest, just sitting. He knew that he should pack up the tent and keeping trekking towards the Druid camp but he just couldn't make himself move. This clearing had too many memories of Arthur. They had only been there once but it was the last hunting trip they had taken together, the last one that they would ever take together. It was a spur of the moment thing; they had merely wanted to enjoy the weather while it was still good and possibly catch the last game of the season.
As he sat in the clearing he remembered the conversation that he had shared with Arthur on this very earth. The details were a little fuzzy at this point but the heart of the conversation was one he'd never forget.
"What excuse are you going to tell everyone when they see that we've gone hunting and brought back nothing?" it was cheeky, especially for a servant, but Merlin was comfortable when it was just the two of them.
"The truth, of course. You might not understand Merlin but the wildlife this time of year is scarce because it is getting close to winter." Arthur was leaning against a log, his hair glowing in the fire. He smirked at Merlin, "what other explanation is there?"
"Well if that's the case, then you knew that it would be slim pickings." He waited for Arthur to nod before continuing, "then it is entirely possible that you came on this trip, with just me, to spend time with me away from the castle."
Arthur chuckled a bit with laughter, "that would imply that I want to spend time with a lowly servant."
"If the trip wasn't to spend time with me, then maybe you just didn't want to kill any animals."
"Merlin, that is ridiculous. I love to hunt, we go all the time. This theory makes even less sense than your last idea."
"Actually, sire, there is more to this thought. You didn't kill any creatures because you know it bothers me." Merlin's face looked smug until he saw Arthur rolling with laughter. "It's possible."
"Only if I," he stopped to laugh some more, "cared about how annoying you'd be on the trip back."
"I'm just saying that it's suspicious that you went hunting when you knew it wasn't a great time to go hunting and that you only took me on this trip. Besides, you haven't actually tried to hunt or track any creature the whole trip."
"Maybe I just wanted to get away from castle life and didn't feel like dealing with my knights."
"Whatever you say, sire."
Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me
Merlin had traveled a few days more before making camp a stream. The stream was nothing particularly special but it had recently rained and as such, there were small pools of water that had been left behind once the water had receded. The pools were crystal clear and absolutely still, perfect to use as a mirror or to capture an image. Merlin had prepared for bed before casting his spell on the largest of the pools.
It had been weeks since he'd dared conjure more than the image of Arthur. Last time he'd looked in, Arthur was up late, pouring over maps and discussing tactics with his knights. He looked older and like he hadn't slept well in weeks. Merlin had thought maybe Arthur missed him; maybe he hasn't slept because of me. Merlin knew it wasn't, couldn't be and he had sworn he wouldn't watch Arthur again.
That hadn't stopped him from conjuring the image of Arthur, not this new man but the one Merlin had known. That overbearing prat that he had come to love and admire, the Arthur that was his best friend. He could stare at the picture perfect image for hours and generally would until he fell asleep.
He didn't need the image because it was etched into his mind perfectly. The picture of Arthur was comforting, just like the shirt Arthur had given him. It was a deep blue color that Arthur claimed clashed with his eyes but went perfectly with Merlin's. "Besides, it's about time you stopped looking so ragged. A prince's servant must have a certain dignity about him you know?" Merlin could remember every detail of that moment and to make sure he never did forget, he wore that shirt every day and every night.
I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me
Merlin always wakes up slowly. He's been gone for months, camped with the druids and visited Avalon but he never remembers that he has left Camelot or that he is no longer with Arthur. Each morning he wakes up expecting to be in trouble for being late again and ends up crying out when he realizes what he has lost.
Merlin always drifts away to sleep slowly. He's been gone for months, camped with the druids and visited Avalon but he still finds it hard to sleep knowing that Arthur isn't there and more importantly that he will never be there again. Each night he falls asleep hoping, praying that somehow everything was back to how it should be.
Most nights Merlin dreams the same thing. Arthur tracking him, hunting him down and bringing him back to Camelot. Arthur's hungry hands roaming on his body, his eyes filled with complete lust and his lips tenderly showing how much he wanted and needed Merlin.
Some nights though, he dreams of a sweeter Arthur. One that is contrite and babbling trying to get everything said. This Arthur keeps nothing back and tells Merlin everything. He's begging, pleading for Merlin to understand how much he needed him- that as long as Merlin was with him, nothing else in the world mattered.
Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say
I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
Maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need
Arthur goes about his daily life as thought everything is fine. He can't have his people seeing how torn up he is, so he pretends. Even Gwen and Morgana, his closest friends, have stopped asking if he missed Merlin or wanted to talk. He just sits and listens to the problems of his people, goes on patrol with his knights and throws himself into his training.
There are days when Arthur swears he hears Merlin's voice. It's telling him that he's working too hard and that if he keeps working like this he will kill himself. Arthur shakes the delirium from his head and moves on but not without taking a drink of water first. It's him conceding a little to the memory of his servant and him acknowledging now that Merlin's opinion is valued as much as any of his knights.
Arthur goes about his private life as though everything is a mess. He can't have his people seeing how torn up he is but his room knows all about it. He's ripped it to shreds and cried himself to sleep so many nights that the walls know what it is to have a king crumble. Arthur can't bring himself to get a new servant except for someone to give him baths and change him for grand feasts. It's too painful to see someone else doing Merlin's job and it is far too hard to keep up the pretense of being fine.
My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me
For whatever reason, Merlin used to leave Arthur notes folded into various animal shapes. Arthur constantly complained that Merlin was too much of a chicken to speak to him in person and too much of a girl for folding the papers so precisely and into things like unicorns. The truth of the matter was that Arthur thought it was adorable. He'd kept all the notes while Merlin was still with him but now they were all in a box underneath the bed. The only key remained on Arthur's person at all times and the contents within always remained secret. He'd add bits of conversation with Merlin that he didn't want to forget but the papers that he read over and over again were those that had Merlin's sloppy penmanship on them. Some of those pages were so worn that all the folds were gone.
I've kept all the words you've said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me
Arthur was first and foremost a prince. The good of his people always came first and Merlin was one of his people. If Merlin was happy doing whatever he was doing without Arthur, he wasn't going to stand in the way. The fact that Arthur could barely function meant nothing if Merlin was safe and happy; Arthur's own personal pain was just something to work through.
Arthur will go hunting, but never near a specific clearing where as long as it's the correct season, the hunting is great. He refuses to kill anything more than they need to eat and he only goes out with his knights. No servants allowed on the hunts anymore and Arthur only goes out now if someone else mentions it first. His love of hunting seems to have died in his separation from Merlin. It might just be that this is another way of honoring his best friend.
There wasn't a day that went by that Arthur wished he'd done something different or at least tried harder. He retraced each and every move, trying to see if things happened because of him, if Merlin leaving was entirely his fault. He should have been actively chasing Merlin, showing him how much he meant. He should have been proving to Merlin at every possible chance just how much he was needed, wanted.
Arthur wishes he'd said something. He covered up his true feeling by insulting Merlin and making fun of him. He wishes that he'd had to courage to write a note back or to just tell Merlin the way he felt. Arthur spent his nights dreaming of Merlin and the way things would have been if Merlin had just believed that what they had was all they could ever want or need.
But if you're happyI'll get through somehow
But the truth is that I've been screaming out..
I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
Maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need
Neither Merlin nor Arthur had ever thought that things would change. If you'd ask them before all this had happened they saw the future as though it was bright and happy. Arthur figured that once he was king he'd just have Merlin around to draw his bath and dress him. Other servants could muck out the stables, polish his armor and such while Merlin kept his room clean and did some of the paper work. Arthur could see Merlin sitting next to him in council meetings or at public audiences, scribbling notes on his parchment in some ridiculous robe and matching hat—just because he had a more prominent position doesn't mean he gets any special treatment.
Merlin always thought he'd be more along the lines of Court Sorcerer. He rather liked the idea of holding some sway as official counsel instead of just a small voice in a private discussion. Merlin unfortunately also saw a funny robe and hat combination in his future but he was planning to have the hat mysteriously disappear every time Arthur brought it to him. What's the point of being an almighty sorcerer if you can't use your powers every now and again to make things disappear or turn them into toads?
Neither of them ever expected to be ripped from one another. The truest friend they had ever had was all they ever wanted. Both Merlin and Arthur wouldn't have changed a thing, doesn't matter how difficult and infuriating their relationship was, they always thought it had been perfect. They knew it was all they'd ever need.
It was all we'd ever need
Ohh
I thought it was all we'd ever need
I should've been chasing you
You should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
You should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could've made me believe
That what we had, mmm
Ohh that what we had
What we had
It was all we'd ever need
It was all we'd ever need
After much debate I decided that it should end this way. This is far sadder than I ever wish for this couple to be so feel free to vent your rage at the unfairness of the story in a review...you could also tell me how much you liked it in spite of how depressing it is