disclaimer: without prejudice. the names of all characters contained here-in are the property of FOX and Ryan Murphy. no infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission.
author's notes: written for blaindarling, who wanted some Seblaine based on the last episode of Looking.
Now We're Spinning;;
Sebastian wasn't supposed to be there.
Why would he be, it was Cooper's wedding, and as far as he knew there was no connection between his family and Sebastian's. Yet there he stood, talking to the bridesmaids as he and his mom walked up to the church. It's been years, too many to count, but the sixteen-year old boy in him felt that same flash of heat spread up the back of his neck seeing Sebastian, dressed in a neat black-and-white suit, perfectly tailored and filled out with his broad shoulders.
A soft, "Hey," crossed his lips once the initial shock wore off, and the almost scornful thought that Sebastian hadn't aged a day–he'd matured, some of his features softened while his brow had seemingly learned to set in less sarcastic ways, but he could still pass as a teenager, easily.
"Hey, killer," two very familiar words, a nickname he assigned and allowed Sebastian only, even though it was far more flattering than some of the names his brother or Santana called him.
"Sebastian, this is my mom, Vanessa."
Sebastian smiled, "Hello, ma'am", making him quirk an eyebrow at the overtly polite tone in his voice, even though he'd never seen Sebastian in his context, and what little he did know about him pointed at a much richer and distinguished upbringing than the one he received. None of which explained what he was actually doing there.
His mom joined Cooper and their parents for the pictures, while he and Sebastian remained to the side, watching the spectacle.
"This is really weird," he said, his palms sweaty–coming home usually meant reverting back to a younger self that hadn't moved to the big city, that wasn't working a comfortable job or living his own life without his parents interfering. Sebastian was confusing that, he wanted to show that he matured too, that he'd changed, while at the same time part of him selfishly wished he was still that same bashful schoolboy Sebastian had thought hot.
"Why?"
He shrugged, shoulders knotting with that all too familiar tension Sebastian always caused. "It's my brother's wedding."
"And Sarah is Vince's first cousin." Sebastian gestured to the man standing next to Sarah, someone from Sarah's side of the family, or so his mother had informed him. "They grew up together."
An equally scornful voice in his head whispered this couldn't possibly be Sebastian's boyfriend, this man looked too old for Sebastian, a much too responsible choice in partner for a boy he'd only known to be a player, flitting from one hook-up to the other. Then again, those were big words Sebastian used years ago in an attempt to reel him in–how much of it was actually true? But his mind reeled; how was it that Sebastian attended his brother's wedding with a boyfriend while he–
"Where's Kurt?" Sebastian asked the operative question.
He looked up to check if Sebastian actually cared to hear his answer, but everything pointed to honest curiosity, and in that moment he didn't recognize Sebastian at all–too much time had passed, too many years spent apart without late-night texts or phone calls, no emails or any contact whatsoever. And he missed that.
He stared down at his feet and kicked some dirt around, attempting to hide the fact that there's still no ring around his left ring finger, or the hope of there ever being one, and shrugged again, every bit the boy rather than a man. "At work, most likely."
"Well, it's good to see you," Sebastian said. "It's nice to see a familiar face."
An entirely involuntary smile snuck to a corner of his mouth; Sebastian always did have this way of reaching just below his skin, gave him just a taste to make him curious, made sure he came back for more–it was a maddening skill, but one he never learned to resist.
"Hey, Blainey!" Cooper called, and he cringed at the nickname. "Come over here!"
"Time to face the music," Sebastian said, but he'd barely taken a step before Sebastian urged him back with an urgent, "Hang on", pointing at the strip of fabric hanging loose around his neck. He forgot all about his bowtie; he'd been in a hurry all morning and Kurt wasn't around to help him check his outfit. Kurt hadn't been around for a whole lot these past few months, but they'd agreed to give each other a wide berth of space. For a while, or at least that's what they'd agreed.
"Dang, I need a mirror."
Sebastian grabbed both ends of the tie. "Relax."
"You can do this?"
Green-flaked irises caught his eyes. "Yeah," Sebastian breathed, leaving him to swallow hard once he went about tying the knot, his adam's apple straining against the fabric. "Family, right?" Sebastian asked, mistaking the welcome discomfort for anxiety. "Whenever I go home I sit in my room, sulking."
He found that hard to believe, but he appreciated Sebastian's attempts at relieving some of the pressure, even though he was a direct cause of it–he'd never quite mastered keeping his cool around boys who flirted with him, past or present, and the memory that Sebastian quite liked him flustered did nothing to steady his nerves.
"There you go." Sebastian tugged at the ends of his bowtie, and winked. "Knock 'em dead, handsome."
He chuckled and felt his shoulders relax, finally joining the rest of his family for the wedding pictures.
The rest of the day was, for lack of any other word, torture.
He'd never in a million years deny Cooper his happiness, but it served as too much of a reminder of the wedding he planned years ago, the guest list carefully outlined, place settings, even the color of the flowers that would match the bridesmaids' dresses.
Somewhere in the whirlwind of moving to New York, living with Kurt and juggling his first year at NYADA he and Kurt had gotten confused too. They'd wanted it all at once, and the tighter they held on, the more it slipped from between their fingers. So they'd decided to postpone the wedding, there was something romantic about a long engagement too, after all, but all too soon postponing became an excuse, the excuse got repeated endlessly, until it became a simple fact of a state they'd remain stuck in–Kurt wore his engagement ring, they called each other fiancé, but a wedding never happened.
Now not only was he at his brother's wedding without a date, he was subjected to seeing Sebastian with his boyfriend; Vince righted Sebastian's tie and teased a kiss behind his ear, slipped an arm around his waist while Cooper was tugging off Sarah's garter with his teeth, wiped a piece of wedding cake off a corner of his mouth before kissing him. They laughed out loud and cheered along with every other happy guest, slow danced drunkenly while he was stuck with a great aunt.
And he didn't know when he'd gotten so bitter about an occasion that always made him smile. Weddings were supposed to be happy, they made him feel hopeful for the future, but his present had turned so painfully glum he'd stopped thinking about his own happiness and desperately tried to fix things with Kurt. Maybe it was time he stopped doing that.
Sneaking away to the lavatory, he looked at himself in the mirror long and hard, wondering where it all went wrong. He and Kurt had decided on a temporary break, and he foolishly thought Kurt was the one who needed to figure things out. But he wasn't happy either, he was stuck with the conviction that the first boy he ever loved couldn't be anyone else but the one.
"Hey, you okay?" Sebastian entered and stood next to him.
"Yeah, sure," he sighed, leaning down on the sink, weighed down by the hardest decision he'll ever have to make.
"What happened?"
"Nothing." He shook his head, then huffed. "I used to love weddings."
Sebastian crossed his arms over his chest, allowing for some of his dark mood to dissipate before distracting him with trivia. "Vince is drunk."
"Great." He chuckled and leaned back against the wall, glad to hear at least someone was having fun. Maybe getting drunk at this point of the night wasn't such a bad idea.
"No, I can't stand him when he's drunk." Sebastian cocked a hip against the sink, and swayed back and forth.
His eyes narrowed. "Are you a little bit drunk?"
"Yeah." Sebastian smiled, speech somewhat slurred. "But," he emphasized the last letter of the word and drawled a step closer, his languid body pushing tighter into his personal space, "I'm a nice drunk."
Sebastian laughed and a breath rushed hurriedly out of his lungs, Sebastian's eyes searching for something in his face. "What?" he asked.
Bringing a finger to his mouth Sebastian rubbed at his bottom lip, unable to suppress a smile. "I was going to kiss you," he said, his eyes swimming as his body rocked back, forth, back again.
"What?" he breathed a smile, but his heart thudded fast and hard.
"I'm kidding," Sebastian said softly.
"Good, because that would be w–"
His words drowned out against Sebastian's lips, pushed to his in a split second decision fuelled by alcohol and a years old longing that marked them both. For a moment he allowed it agency, a passion he thought he could recapture on his own, heat spreading down his spine as Sebastian came closer, closer, begging entrance to a place desolate and forgotten, covered in dust over time.
His lips parted so Sebastian could sink deeper into the kiss and he settled his hands at the taller's waist. Seconds passed and Sebastian nipped at his lips, his hands resting on his cheeks, thumbs gently stroking at his cheekbones. Their lips moved as if they'd done it for years, expertly undoing any and all doubt in his mind about where he should go from here.
Coming to his senses, he pushed Sebastian back, reminded of what brought them back together, what had kept them apart, what was slowly unmaking him bit by bit. He might've sacrificed his happiness in the pursuit of something childish and fantastical, but he wasn't about to beg the same from Sebastian.
Sebastian stood back a step but tried for his lips again, the hand on his chest holding him back.
Silence set between them, an eerie realization on both their parts, and Sebastian staggered another step back.
He shifted uneasy and exposed, casting down his eyes to give Sebastian a dignified retreat.
It wasn't right, not from or for either of them. But he had his answers.
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