Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker spoof Arkahm Nurse...Krista
Scarecrow...Bill
Joker...Cayla Matt Foley...Greg
[ open on interior, living room like setting - front door opens, as Arkham nurse follows her patients inside ]
Nurse: Alright,sit down. [ the patients sit down on the couch ] Once again you two have broken out. Joker, [she looks at the paper on her clip bored] you have caused over one million dollars in damages...[sighs heavily, annoyed being once again back at square one] again. Over 5 buildings destroyed, over a 200 people hospitalized. Close to a hundred of those people were D.O.A
Joker: [scoffs] only 200? im losing my touch.
Nurse:[pinches the bridge of her nose in annoyance and stress] Look, I don't know what gets into you.. you freaks [joker tries to lash at her but scarecrow stops him. Joker crosses his arms with a huff of annoyance and anger].. but, for once, I'm not even gonna try to find out! Now iv brought in some...different form of treatment
Joker: Gee, did you really didn't have to go to all that trouble so if we could just go now. [attempt to walk out but scarecrow takes hold of his arm again, making him crash into the couch cushion.]
Scarecrow: [unamused] Who is it?
Nurse: His name is Matt Foley, and he's a motivational speaker. [joker looked a little freaked out now at hearing the name] Now, he's been in the lobby eating No-Doze for about four hours now im going to go get him. [looks sternly at both of them] don't move. [walks out the door]
[both are silent for a few moments before joker starts freaking out]
Joker:we gotta get out of here!
Scarecrow: why? Whats going on?
Joker: because...i know him.
Scarecrow: you know him?
JokerJ: well..not really. [gets up trying to figure out how to open the locked door in a panic]Once in a break in I got trapped in the ventilation system. Apparently the dad brought him over to settle his two teenage brats. All he did was break there coffee table and window.
Scarecrow: I wonder what he fears?
Joker: [failing at getting the lock open] who cares! Help me get his lock before he-[gets cut off as the door opens, just as he falls in, Matt foley catches him and forces him back in the room] too late.
Matt Foley: [ enters living room bouncing slightly and carrying the joker with an arm a little too tightly around his shoulder ] Well, well, well where you going? Sit down, get comfortable! [forces the joker down on the couch] Now, as your nurse told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a motivational speaker! Before I begin, I want to tell you a little about myself, so you'll know where I'm coming from. [joker rolls his eyes and looks bored] First off, I am 35 years old.. I am thrice divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! [ approaches scarecrow] We'll start with you! Now, let me begin with an obvious question: Who threw the bomb?
Scarecrow: I don't know. But I can tell you what you're afraid of. [ after a few seconds of silence, the two villains laugh, Matt looking a little scared] I don't know, quite a few of us broke out.
Matt Foley: [ mimicking ] I.. don't.. know! Well, that and a nickel will get you a hot cup of jack squat! Clowny, you want to throw in your two cents?
Joker: [quietly,trying to hide into the couch] hell no.
Matt Foley: huh? Well, well, well.. a few minutes ago you were all as lively as a bunch of fish laughing and giggling, throwing bombs around Gotham like a short-order cook at a truck stop!"Hey, man, look at me go, bombs! I'm the bomb-Man, coo-coo-ca-blew! [ laughs ] That's a riot, you kids are having a ball! Well, get over it! [ approaches joker ] Now, what, may I ask, did you hope to accomplish by these shenanigans?
Joker: [ throat, still speaking a little quietly] well my personal goal was to make city hall explode. [cracks up laughing]
Matt Foley: [ laughs ] Well, well, the jokes keep on coming! [ approaches scarecrow] Help me out scary, I can't see real good, is that Bob Hope over there? Huh? You keep it up, pal, there's a big future in it! Kids, this reminds me of a spooky Halloween story. Nurse, that's your cue. [nurse turns off the lights, and Matt shines a flashlight below his face ] Once, there was a boy who liked to throw things. He started out throwing eggs. Then, he threw the big game. Then, he threw back a shot of whiskey. Then he threw up. Then he got thrown out of the house, and then he moved into a van down by the river! nurse, lights! [ Nurse turns the lights back on ]
Scarcrow: Matt, this is what we do.
Joker: yeah, kinda why were in here.
Matt Foley: So, that's what...you do? How do you think the People felt? Hey, let's find out! I'll be you, and you be the people you terrorize! [ picks joker up and spins him around the room ] "Hey, look at me! Im scary! Im gonna blow a building to little bits! [ trips and falls backwards onto the coffee table , taking joker with him.]
joker: [gets up] ow!
nurse: [ Shocked,interceding ] Alright, Matt, I think you made your point..
Matt Foley: Nurse I wish you'd sincerely do everyone a great service, and clam up!Now, as I see it, there is only one solution, and that is for me to transform this group of super criminals into functional civilians Don't worry, kids, we'll still have fun! [ retreats to a nearby room ] Who needs high powered explosives when you've got soapy water and a little elbow grease? [ returns with some mop buckets ] Everyone, grab a bucket! [scarecrow complies, just wanting to get it over with but joker stays seated, trying to hide. Matt forces him up, forcing a mop in his hand.
Nurse:[sighs heavily] Please Matt, I think this is enough.
Matt: [turns to her ] now mam [places his hand on her shoulder, she flinches,not liking the contact] Im sure your great in your profession of..of..uh
Nurse: [sternly]Nurse.
Matt.: [pretending he got it himself] Nurse! Your profession of Nursing, but I am also a professional and I think it would be very helpful if you would shut your damn yapper!
Nurse: excuse me but can you explain to me how mopping the floors help there mental states?
Matt: [thinks for a moment] mam, it would be very helpful if you didn't interfere-
nurse: [angry] you have no explanation do you? [grabs him roughly by the arm, he barely moves] I thinks its time fr you to go now.
Matt: [struggles out of her grasp] hey! Im not going anywhere! This has been the closest thing to a home in 6 months! [screaming right in the nurses face] and I am going to get my things, come back because im sick of livin in a van down by the river! [he huffs out the door that goes to the lobby, the nurse quickly locks the door and leans against it.]
Scarecrow: is he gone?
Nurse: if he comes back,i want you two to help me get that man into a cell.
Joker: [hugs her] we'll do whatever you want, just don't let him back in!
Scarecrow: [pats the nurse on the shoulder] we'll be good from now on.