Rage Quit - CoLu

It's the once a month D&D game and sadly, it just fucking isn't going Cobra's way. Even though the DM is his god damn mate.

"With my kit that's twenty-six, Sunshine." Cobra said as he glanced over his sheet.

"The trap springs up and hits you for," the dice rolled behind the screen, "six points of acid damage"

"Six? What the fuck? Twenty-six was more than enough for the last trap." He said as he grabbed the pencil. Erasing his hit points to only have five left was frustrating. They had only started this session two hours ago and the goal today was to finally finish getting through the keep.

Sunshine knew how to write one hell of a story and the combat was always fun. Erik had no issues playing along, especially since he really just got to be himself. Well, he also got to kill things, which was awesome.

If he didn't love her like a psycho crazed motherfucker there would be no way he would ever be caught playing Dungeons and Dragons. But he does and so he plays, it also helped that she was naked and riding him when she asked him to join the group. Sunshine just knew that letting him put his dick into her was the easiest way to get him to agree to anything. That and saying there would be blood and potential for viscera always helped.

"Don't worry, that was the last trap." He knew that was a damn dirty lie. Sunshine was an evil DM. "Okay, would you like to take your time to look for any other traps?"

"Come on this is boring! Can't I just use a fireball?" Fire fuck whined as he fidgeted with his wizard figure on the map.

"Natsu fireballs don't solve everything, but it's your character." Lucy said as she nibbled on her pencil.

Oh party death! Come on Natsu! Yes, kill the party you little fuck. New story time and then all new evil. He suppressed the shiver that was riding up his back, when her soul went in that direction it wasn't going to be pretty. Then again, she just started penning a Ravenloft campaign and the word tentacles came up way too many times.

"Be ready, the great elocution wizard Emperor Igneel Dragonlord of the Kingdom of Dragonconia will save this day!" The fire dragon slayer grabbed his dice and grinned. Cobra was grateful he had evasion on his rogue (fuck yeah level 2 auto grant ability).

"Evocation." Lucy drawled.

"Huh?" Annoying fuckwit asked.

"You're an Evocation wizard, Natsu."

"Who gave flame brain a long title?" Elza asked as his shirt went flying.

"He did, Gray. It's on his character sheet." Hammerdina said.

"Hey, Wendy. Can I get some healing please?" Cobra asked with a very polite smile. Trying to bat his one eye all pretty and sweet like.

"Who's Wendy, Viper?" Peanut asked. She was really good about staying in character, then again Sunshine made her character pretty easy to play, nothing fancy.

Whereas Cobra insisted that if he was going to play then Sunshine better pull out every damn book she owns and make him something totally fucked up crazy. He likes his character, Viper is one messed up human rogue with mad skill points and stabby things. It's amazing at how quickly you can get plus two kukris when you let the DM ride your face for a while.

Cobra had to review his character sheet notes so he could be in character.

Peanut = Maribella Cleric of Naralis Analor = Healing my ass

Hammerdinna = Lady SmiteStrong Paladin of Torm = Tanking for my ass

Elza = LaGlace Ice Sorcerer = Freezing someone's ass

Fire Fuck = Obnoxious Fire Wizard = throwing his ass to cover mine

Lightbulb = Anger Issues Barbarian = point ass at bad guys

Blue Balls = Siegrain (original name) Ranger = hunts asses down

Sunshine = Eternal Goddess of my Fucking World, I worship her ass!

"Oh, beautiful Maribella would you please hit me with a little healing energy?" He asked. Still trying to bat his eye in sweetness towards the Peanut.

"I don't know I only have four more spells before we rest again. What if we get into trouble?" She said as she played with her fingers.

"Don't you have a potion or scroll or something?" He asked.

"Don't you, Viper?" Blue Balls interjected.

"I drank your last one."

Cobra watched as Blue Balls looks over his sheet before he hits the table making figures and dice jump. "Lucy! He can't go stealing things from the party!"

"He can, he's Neutral Evil." Sunshine said with a slight smirk on her face.

"I demand you make recompense for the theft of property!" Hammerdina screeched.

"Erza, do we need to roll for initiative?" Sunshine asks.

"Yeah, Lady SmiteBitch you gonna bring it?" He goaded, much to the displeased look on Blue Balls' face. Win motherfucking win.

"Lady SmiteStrong you feel it would be against your path if you smite one of your own teammates. To do so may rescind some of Torm's power from you for the day. Do you wish to act this way?" Sunshine asked with that 'oh please give me a reason to fuck you up' look to her.

Hammerdina quickly sat down, "No."

"Blondie, this is kind of boring. I'm going to bash in the door." Lightning prick said as he grabbed his dice.

"Okay, then give me a strength check." She said.

"I'm going to move about sixty feet behind Lady SmiteBitch." Cobra said, moving his figure. He noticed how Elza stayed beside him.

"Lady SmiteStrong, Paladin of Torm. Please, Viper use my name correctly." She said through pursed lips.

"What fun is that?" Cobra blew her a kiss which got his shin kicked by one Sunshine. "Also, it's a lousy name."

"Viper, do you have to antagonize…" Blue Balls started to say.

"Eighteen on the strength check."

"You smash open the door, give me a reflex save. Also, let's roll for initiative." Sunshine said as she started grabbing figures from the box.

Cobra bounced up in his seat, oh hell yeah combat time. He gets to kill all kinds of things. This was going to be awesome. Then he looked at his hit points and swallowed. Shit he was going to have to be careful. Peanut didn't have Raise Dead or something like that. Fuck.

Everyone rolled and the combat started, Cobra just kept holding action, letting the barbarian rage and the Paladin smash through things. It was like the Rogue, Sorcerer and Wizard were on coffee break. To keep it interesting He and Gray actually talked in character about the fighting.

"I am not carrying the Barbarian when he falls over after all that rage." Elza said.

"No, you're like a quarter his Half Orc size, unless you got some crazy strength magic." Which leave it to Laxus to play himself but uglier. Cobra tried to figure out why lightning fucker even played and then he remembered, oh yeah Freed is allergic to this game so it's his me time. That and even though Cobra mated Sunshine the guy still had a thing for her. Oh well that was a fantastic day.

The nice thing about not being active in a major combat is that you get to think about all the things that got you to this moment. Like all the cool looking poison green swirls that wrapped around her neck and completely covered her right arm in chemical symbols for various poisons. He thought his mate mark would be some lame scale thing, but not for his Sunshine instead she got wicked looking tattoos. Now the marks he had were fucking awesome and not around his neck, instead they wrapped around his wrists and up the forearms. They had all the constellations in gold scales and maroon framing.

Still shocked the fuck out of him that mating even worked. He thought for certain he'd kill her but hell no, apparently, she's like a cockroach and you just can't kill her. His erection was getting worse as he thought about how beautiful she looked impaling herself on his dick when they were doing it in a club bathroom.

No one ever said mating had to be romantic, but fucking hell some asshole slipped her a drug and like a good person he let her take the effects out on him. Because he's a nice fucking person. Had nothing to do with wanting her or his own selfish best interests. Nope, nothing whatsoever.

Then things went sideways and when he came he couldn't help but bite her at the same time. Not like he registered what the fuck was going on until the poison filled the room and she could have died. Instead, nope. Sunshine being fucking batshit crazy came again from being poisoned. After that they didn't leave a goddamn hotel room for a week.

Of course, the Fairy Fucks all took it badly, but there isn't much they can do about it. Mates are mates and even then, he'd kill them all for his Sunshine. He glanced over at her and saw that sexy evil grin she gets. Which reminded him that he should be paying attention to the game and not his erection.

"Lucy! I can't throw a fireball in there can I?" Fire fuck whined, again. Cobra didn't even want to listen to the utter chaos that was his soul.

"Not unless you want to hurt your party." She replied as she toppled over another goblin figure. Fire Fuck huffed and crossed his arms. He'll do it, because he can. Why do I invite him?

"I keep asking you that, Sunshine." Cobra drawled as she smacked him.

"I'm going to do horrible things to you later if you don't stay out of my soul!" She whisper-yelled at him, low enough to where only the slayers could hear her.

"Seriously, Blondie ain't no one want to know that shit." Light Bulb said as he picked up his dice.

"You hear a cackle; the sound is terrifying. It's inhuman and the source of it is behind Viper, LaGlace and Igneel. What do you do?" She asked, her voice eerily monotoned.

"I turn around and make a double move away from it." Cobra replied.

"Same." Elza said as he grabbed his dice.

"I throw a fireball at it!" Fire Fuck exclaimed as he grabbed a bunch of d6s. Cobra swallowed hard. FUCK!

"Okay, Gray move LaGlace and since Cobra you held your action, you'll be in the firing range."

"What?" He stood up, knocking the chair back into the wall. He shot his mate a look that said, 'save me'.

Sunshine didn't even spare him a glance. "Okay, Natsu roll for Fireball."

"I'd like to use my feat for this." He said with that fucking demented kid grin thing he does. The one that makes his skin crawl because it's just fucking evil.

"Sure," she clicked her tongue, "you can double the damage." Cobra felt his arms shake as he leaned over the table. Trying to will Natsu's dice to only roll ones.

"Wait! Sunshine you can't let him do this." He looked back at her and pleaded.

"He's Chaotic Neutral, of course I can let him." Sunshine shrugged and closed off her soul. He hated that she learned to do that, block him on purpose. Erik swallowed hard, this wasn't cool at all.

"Natsu what's your DC?"

"Oh" He pushed his sheet over to Blue Balls who helped point out the correct number. "Twenty."

"Okay, Need a reflex roll. Roll well." Sunshine said to him.

Grabbing his green d20 Cobra said a silent prayer and rolled, "shit! Okay it's not a one by I got an eleven total."

Sunshine frowned at him. "Natsu roll for damage."

This was it, critical point. If Natsu rolled all ones he'll live, barely. Assuming Peanut wasn't going to fuck him on the healing. Shit! He really liked this character. Sure, Lucy could work some kind of mojo in bringing it back, but they still had like another six hours of play today. He had things to stab and treasure to steal. Maybe a princess to go bang (which they would totally roleplay out later) and other mischief. The town's mayor had like no security, he had plans for Viper!

Cobra didn't even bother trying to keep his jaw up when the first three d6s hit the table, all of them 6. Okay he could still survive this, but hell no the next three all came out with 6s. He was toast, because the one time he couldn't make his fucking reflex save!

His eye went wide, as he stared at the red dice. Fire Fuck started doing a happy jig dance thing. Telling Elza to suck his flaming cock.

Had they didn't already start this game down a few hit points and spells he'd be okay!

Had she not upped the trap difficulty he wouldn't have gotten hurt!

If she didn't decide to put nasty fucking thing behind the pyromaniac he'd get to live!

If the fucking cleric did her goddamn job Viper would live!

Instead Erik flipped the table over and snarled. "I fucking quit!" The room was quiet except for his breathing and he took that as his cue to leave. He was so done with this game. Done with this day. Hell, he didn't even want to see little miss 'I'm your fucking goddess' Sunshine again.

Not true, he'd see her later. Very much later and naked. Oh, she was getting the shit fucked out of her in his rage. Then again, this is Sunshine, she'll fucking love it. He scrubbed a hand over her face, his crazy mate. What the hell was he going to do with her?

He was done with this bullshit game and Natsu. Natsu was going to die a slow painful death from the poison he'll make for that little shit.

His rage right now would make the fucking Barbarian jealous.

Erik went for a nice long walk to try and calm himself down. He lost his goddamn rogue with awesome stabby weapons. Fuck that game. He never wanted to hear about Forgotten Realms or Paladins or Clerics or Evocation Wizards again!

He punched a rock and roared. Cobra didn't like to lose, in fact losing sucked. He'd spent so much of his life feeling like he already lost that to even lose something like a game was stupid. Sure, he won Sunshine and his freedom which was completely more important than a game. Still, she loved that game and he loved that character she built for him. Loved all the stories they told about his little imaginary Viper.

Viper was a cool dude. You didn't care about the law and needed shit to get done, no questions asked? You called Viper, all prices are negotiated. He didn't care where the money came from only that it spent. He lived on the road and ate well. Slept with whores and never paid. You know the cool kind of guy.

After a while of mourning for his level seven rogue he felt a hand on him. He looked up and right into the underside of Sunshine's beautiful tits. She leaned over and placed a kiss to his forehead.

"I think baby, you're just going to have to do something else on our once a month D&D day." She said to him.

"What? You like when I play with you." All very true and he loved seeing her imagination at work. She was so much fun and this meant so much to her.

"Not if you're going to rage quit like that again. I know, losing your first character is hard. I know Natsu is a moron, but it's only a game." Sunshine had put herself right into his lap and ran her fingers through his hair. Before she lightly touched the tops of his ears.

"So, no more Viper?" Cobra pleaded.

"Well if you would not have flipped the table you would have known that the evil guy had Counterspell, so no one was dying." Sunshine said as she leaned forward and kissed his cheek. Her soul was in that calm vibe mode, the one that could put his ass to sleep.

"So…." Cobra kissed her slim fingers.

"No baby, you aren't playing D&D again. I think we are going to have a little funeral for Viper. Then I think you need a new hobby."

"Can it involve blood and viscera?"

"No," she kissed his ear and pulled a little on his earring. "But maybe light maiming, maybe you could start a fight club for training reasons. It would also get Natsu out of the group."

"Fuck no! I ain't babysitting him just so you can hang out with adults."

"It's only one day a month and you get to poison him." She said. Fuck I love you!

"Fine." He looked down, trying to hide his grin.

Her fingers ran down his arms and tangled with his. "Hey, it's okay. How about we have a pizza, Netflix and sex night."

"Can we start with the sex?" He grinned at his little mate.

"Right here at the back of the guild?" She purred before leaning in to bite his neck.

"Yeah, I've had a bad day."

"Are you trying to use your D&D Character death to guilt trip me into sex?" She asked complete with dramatic flourish.

"Is it working?" He waggled his brow.

"You know it is baby. Now come on rip off my panties." She said to him and those fucking things were destroyed.

End

Written by MadSoulessQueen