I promised my friend I would write some Homestuck stuff for her this weekend, so here we go!
(Okay, It's marchingstuck but that still counts right?)
It was times like this where Karkat Vantas wondered if he had gone to hell.
He didn't quite know all the term and conditions that came with human hell, but troll hell was synonymous with his current situation: stuck in AHS's annual marching band lock-in, nothing to do but drown his woes in sweets, and friend-zoned so hard that it would take an army of Huns to break down the barricades which guarded him from the lush landscape known as John Egbert's choice ass.
He glanced about the filthy band room, satiated with the smell of piss, valve oil and sweaty, half-drunk teens. Dust mixed with brownie crumbs and Crush! Orange soda formed the sticky gruel padding on the bottom of his tiny bare feet. Karkat stared up at the screen of the carted black television which blared cartoony music and colorful explosions of the current Wii game. John sat, parallel in his place in the flimsy chair and intense focus on the match. Leaning on the back of his chair, Jade chanted and cheered at the game.
"Get the assist trophy!" She whooped and tapped Karkat on the horns.
"No! It's just gonna be another fucking Nintendog!"
"A Nintendog is better than getting your ass handed to you by Captain Falcon!"
Sollux smirked from behind John's chair. "Karkat, theriouthly. Why would you pick Peach in the firtht plathe?"
"She's a strong female character with a lot going for her! And her golf club is a one-hit KO!"
"You don't even know how to pull out the club; you jutht keep doing that thame hip-exthplosion thing over and over again."
Karkat swung the Wii remote violently, growling, "Some best friend you are! You could support me instead of handing Egbert mini corndogs and rooting him on like you're his wife."
"Karkat, Sollux and I have an agreement," the tall boy explained. "He brings me food, gives me moral support, and gives me cheats to all my games, and I give him the embarrassing footage I've collected of you guys so he can put it in the slideshows." John broke his attention from the video game to wink at Karkat. "Most of it is of you."
"John, don't even bother. We all know this is one of Sollux's elaborate ruses to win your trust, sweep you off your feet like some whimsical Disney Princess dance number, and ultimately get into your pants." The Cancer bared his fangs when he looked at his health percentage. "I mean. Who wouldn't fall for a bipolar guy who sees on two planes and has a lisp like he never outgrew talking like a wriggler?"
"Yeah, right, KK. If there'th anyone trying to get into John'th panth here, we all know it'th you."
The small troll had no reply. Burning red blush painted his cheeks and his jaw clenched tight like it had been wound with brass wire. Thankfully enough, Jade filled the silence before he was noticed. "Karkat! Smash ball! Do the—do the umbrella thing!" She patted his shoulders and hopped from foot to foot. Before he could reap the smash ball's excellent worth, Captain Falcon proclaimed his famous quote, and sent Princess Peach flying off into the sky with nothing but a squeal and flutter of skirts. "Falcon Punch!"
John placed the white controller in his lap and faced his short friend. "Sorry, man. That's what you get for trying to face the formidable power of John Egbert." His eyebrows did that little wiggle thing which irked Karkat to no extent. He wished John would wiggle them again.
"C'mon. One more round!" The candy-blood urged. Jade plopped down on the sliver of seat unused by Karkat and pushed him off with her hip.
"Nope!" she proclaimed. "Sollux and I got dibs on this round."
The psionic took his place next to her and accepted the controls from John. "Yep. We all know I'm going to win thith, though: it'th a known fact that oboeth thuck at everything."
"Kiss my ass!" Thus Jade began the spew of spitfire curses and insults which would follow in suit for the rest of the match.
John poked Karkat's arm. "Hey. Vriska taught me how to lock pick last weekend. Want to see if we can break into Ms. Beasley's room and mess with her stuff?"
The black irises fell onto blue. "Why the hell would I do that? We're just going to get caught by Mr. Noir so he can stab us and then go cry about his life choices in his liquor cabinet. Again."
"She gave me an F on my exam."
"Get the picks; we're going to fuck her shit up."
John left to grab the lock picks from his overnight bag while Karkat surveyed the table of provided food. In his arms, he stuffed two bags of Bugles, an orange soda, eight chocolate éclairs and three red-velvet cupcakes. That should last him the walk there.
"How can you even eat that?" John inquired, joining Karkat outside the band room and in the hallway. The Cancer stared dumbly at him.
"How do I eat this? How do you not eat this?" He crammed six éclairs and a cupcake in his mouth for emphasis.
John snatched both bags of chips and popped them open. "I hate them! I can't understand why everyone likes my dad's baking so much."
"John, your father is like an angel descended from the proudest, hallowed clouds of bakery heaven. If I could have sex with his cupcakes, I probably would."
"I think Terezi and Dave already have that covered." The black-haired teen pointed to a janitor's closet, which had lately been the new location for Dave and Terezi's ever-mobile love shack. (They had to switch it up every few months. The janitor kept reporting findings of dragon stickers and bottles of lube in his supply carts.) A trail of red crumbs, white frosting, and an empty cupcake box proved their presence just outside the door. Karkat slammed his fist against the wood twice.
"Hey, assholes! When you guys go in here to fuck, could you at least clean up outside so no one has to know about your freaky cupcake kink?"
Dave didn't miss a beat. Muffled behind the door, he replied, "Dude if Terezi's got a mad hankering for cupcakes, do you think she's gonna wait 'til after sex to eat them?"
"You could at least have some sensitivity and leave a few for the rest of us!"
"Karkat," Terezi giggled, "if you really want some, you can come in here and share with me and Dave!"
"It's not gay when it's a three way," Dave sung, beckoning. Terezi chuckled once more and Karkat stomped away from the closet.
"Are you sure you don't want to join?" John teased. "I could always mess with Ms. Beasley's stuff by myself."
Karkat shoved him with a sharp elbow. "Hell no. Besides, these are too damn magnificent to share with those morons." With a flourish of a clawed hand, he ate the last treat in one bite.
John hadn't been looking. "Can I try a bite, then?" Mouth full of confection, Karkat could only spread his empty palms. John blinked once, and then smiled. A pink tongue flicked over lips and shining buck teeth. "No worries. I think you still have some on your mouth, anyway." And then, he moved forward and pressed his lips on Karkat's.
The troll's feet stuck to the floor, though whether it was from the gummy coating on his soles or every muscle in his body locking up, he would never be sure. This had not been the first, second, or even third time it's happened. Still, Karkat was unprepared for the flood of thoughts and feelings that were subsequent each surprise Egbertian kiss. What should he do? Run? Stay? Kiss back? Should he use tongue? What if he tasted like red velvet, would John even like that? And—oh sweet troll Jegus how could the flavor of Bugles and orange Crush! mingling on chapped lips be so goddamn sexy.
John finally pulled back, smiling lazily. That same slick sliver of tongue licked those buck teeth almost as an afterthought—almost like he relished the flavor of teen troll kisses. Karkat's mind blanked and his mouth was wet.
"You know what? I think it tastes fine. I'm gonna go see if there's any left—stay here and don't vandalize Ms. Beasley's room without me!" The lanky drum major sauntered down the hallway and disappeared around the corner, still smiling.
The gray alien was sure Lucifer wept on his vast, writhing bed of withered souls and agonized slaves, knowing that Karkat Vantas' personal hell made his home look like a rerun of last week's Squiddles episode.
Welp I'm probably going to hate this in a few days but I had fun writing it! Please rate, review and whatnot if it's not too much trouble.
Homestuck is owned by Andrew Hussie. The Marchingstuck! AU was created by Shelby, urbanAnchorite, and CephiedVariable. (At least I'm pretty sure that's all who made it, if it isn't then I'm sorry!) And I'm just kinda fucking around in their big metaphorical sandbox.