HIWATARI KAI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: I do not own Beyblade or any of the respective characters. Credit must be given to the brilliant authoress Diamond Mask who has been my inspiration and Theresa Green who pioneered the format of the "Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" series.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a HIWATARI KAI unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Blitzkrieg badass, read the following manual with care as misuse of the HIWATARI KAI will result in the idiot owner being sent to the fiery pits of hell.
WARNING: The KAI unit is not suited for inexperienced or first time owners. Like seriously, you will get your ass kicked.
Technical Specifications
Name: Kai Hiwatari. The KAI unit will grudgingly respond to "Kai-kun" or "Phoenix". The KAI unit can also be programmed to respond to "Hey baby come light my fire!" – Please note this nickname must be accompanied by a whistling sound
Age: 16
Place of Manufacture: Little Psychotic Bladers, Blitzkrieg Badass Division
Height: 177 cm or 5'8''
Weight: 63 kilograms or 138.6 lbs
Length: Will light up the night!
Your KAI unit comes with the following accessories:
One Ming scarf with fingerless black gloves
One contact lens case complete with crimson and violet contacts (And you thought those were his real eye colour)
One Black T-shirt and Jacket
One Pair of Black Cargo Pants
One Pair of Black and Red Sneakers
One Pair of Hello Kitty Boxers and Briefs
One Dranzer MS Beyblade and Bit chip (it's only a toy but don't tell him that)
One BBA Utility Pouch (containing Beyblade and Rip cord to be attached to his belt)
One Beauty Therapy Kit (for hair, shark fin tattoo and facial purposes)
WARNING: the KAI unit is not fussy when it comes to his wardrobe. However, he will from time to time demand the purchase of Wipe Away Face Paint®, Purple Dye #2. The manufacturer is not responsible for your resulting beat down/death should you ignore this warning.
Removing your KAI unit from his box
The HIWATARI KAI is a consummate walking freak who doesn't like enclosed spaces. He is a very intelligent and resourceful unit, so do not be surprised if your unit escapes from his container before you can open it. As you approach the box, you should hear metallic drill like noises coming from inside, it's only your KAI unit trying to blade his way out. Simply enter the access code on the control panel and the door should slide open. Be quick about it because your KAI unit will try to make a break for it. Grab him by the scarf and quickly enter the code ensuring that he knows you are his owner so that he won't try to Death Glare© you into oblivion.
Programming
Your very own World Champion Beyblader has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximize your own benefit and pleasure:
Bodyguard: Whether because your KAI unit genuinely likes you or because he believes you to be the key to defeating TYSON units, your HIWATARI KAI will protect you at any cost and have DRANZER instantly incinerate any and all threat.
WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of fangirls or deranged stalkers that decide to camp out on your lawn as a result of you purchasing a KAI unit. (However, if this occurs please feel free to have your KAI unit beat the crap out of them.)
Pet Sitter: Have an important business trip to go to but you don't trust the neighbourhood animal shelter? Have no fear! Despite his tough-guy exterior, the KAI unit has an affinity for looking animals but will take preference to cats. Your KAI unit comes equipped with training such as pet first aid certification and animal husbandry ensuring the knowledge and know-how to deal with pets of any type and age.
WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of lonely cat people that decide to camp out on your lawn as a result of you choosing this purpose for your KAI unit.
Tattoo Artist: With his brand of body modification on display on silky smooth skin, the KAI unit is fully capable accustomed to inking out any tattoo design possible be it mystical fairy tattoos, girly flower tattoos, Asian dragon tattoo designs, inspirational religious tattoos, cool patriotic tattoos, black tribal tattoos and more! While his own style may seem limited to shark fin face paint, your Blitzkrieg Badass is actually equipped with knowledge of a wide array different tattoo designs of the highest quality; making it easier for you to open a parlor or do it from home and earn some extra cash with your KAI unit!
Your KAI unit will come with the following modes:
Calm (default)
Cocky (default)
Sarcastic (default)
Professional Blader (default)
Fiercely Competitive (default)
Backstabbing (locked)
Kind (locked)
Kamikaze (locked)
Slash (locked)
Out of Character (locked)
Owners must be wary at all times of the Fiercely Competitive and Kamikaze modes, unlocked when your KAI unit encounters the GRANGER TYSON. Should they ever meet the Kamikaze mode has a ninety percent chance of becoming unlocked. Your Kai unit, though a skilled blader in his own right, will not win this fight. He may get blown sky-high or at the very least severely pissed off. The resulting loss will unlock the Backstabbing mode making him more of a physical danger to any and all TYSON units for days where he will literally try to stab TYSON units in their back. Therefore, we advise avoiding contact with these units as much as possible. If, however, contact is unavoidable – such as a GRANGER TYSON living in your neighbourhood or household – we advise accessing the Out of Character mode to dissuade him from running off to try (unsuccessfully) beating GRANGER TYSON units.
The Out of Character mode can be accessed by confiscating his scarf and face paint products in the house. If this doesn't work ban him from training, beyblade or petting the stray cats that seems to show up around dinner time, either one won't matter. In little less than two days, your KAI will be a broken emo, however, it will be ridiculously easy to subdue him and access his programming (if the opposite occurs, and your unit goes berserk, please refer to the FAQ).
The Slash mode can be activated by employing the same procedure as Out of Character mode and is extremely useful and necessary to access the boy on boy action of yaoi yaoiness fangirls everywhere thrive upon because sadly, the KAI units are inherently asexual. When Slash mode has been unlocked, force him and his chosen beau into a small secluded room and they should 'bond'.
WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of fangirls/boys that decide to camp out on your lawn as a result of you choosing this purpose for your KAI unit.
Relations with Other Units
DRANZER: this centuries old bird faithfully obeys and follows the KAI unit's every command. He was given to the KAI unit from his crazy grandfather so that he (Voltaire) could rule the world (Yes, rule the world through spinning tops instead of through the billions of dollars he owns, because that makes sooo much sense. Again, the old bat is crazy). This ancient phoenix also known as one of the four Sacred or Holy Beasts, would lay his life on the line for the KAI unit sacrificing himself (then comes back) to protect him when some crazy crack pot wants to devour the KAI unit's soul for immortality.
BLACK DRANZER: basically a PMSing DRANZER on steroids, without the protective instincts. He would have dominated the world, in terms of beyblading, thus solidifying the KAI unit as the coolest and most powerful person if not for the KAI unit being deluded into believing friendship was more important by his so-called friends (some friends). As a result, he hates Tyson and co. with the red hot blazing passion of a thousand, well DRANZERs and is silently plotting their demise, that is, if only he knew how to get out of that damn hole the KAI unit put him in. (Poor old demented bird)
WARNING: Please keep BLACK DRANZERs away from KAI units. BLACK DRANZERs are crazy, destructive and manipulative. When in contact with KAI units they have a tendency to corrupt his programming and make him undermine your authority. If your KAI unit should become corrupted by a BLACK DRANZER please see the Troubleshooting section of the manual.
VALKOV TALA: a semi-psychotic half cyborg Russian with sociopathic tendencies such as wearing mascara and staring unblinkingly through people's souls. This beloved, deranged unit has frequent mood swings where he ranges from despising the KAI unit to secretly wanting to kiss him. To TALA units' and many Kai/Tala yaoi fans' dismay, the KAI unit seems totally unaware of the latter forcing them to unlock his Out of Character and Slash modes for some hot yaoi action.
WARNING: Yaoi fans have a field day with this pairing and some overzealous one will result to forcing their TALA unit unto random KAI units because they are bored and have no lives of their own. BEWARE OF THEM KIDNAPPING YOUR UNIT FOR THIS PURPOSE.
THE OTHER BLITZKRIEG BOYS: The KAI unit doesn't see them, therefore, they don't exist.
KON RAYMOND: Your KAI unit will usually have a very good relationship with this unit as the RAY unit normally functions as his second in command/yaoi consort. This unit may act as a moral compass and aid in keeping the KAI unit in line.
WARNING: Kai/Ray yaoi fans, though not as deranged as the Kai/Tala yaoi fans, will resort to stalking and or camping outside of home where the RAY and KAI units are paired.
GRANGER TYSON: This unit was initially viewed as a big loudmouthed pig with nothing much going on in his brain and is usually ignored by the KAI unit when not blading. After forcibly getting to know the TYSON unit (because he simply would not leave the KAI unit alone) he is still viewed by the KAI unit as a loudmouthed pig with nothing much going on in his brain. However, now he acknowledges that the TYSON unit has gotten marginally good at blading. Beware of Kamikaze mode becoming unlocked when these two are in the same room (bad sh*t will happen)
TATE MAX: This little blond bundle of energy was team mate of the KAI unit when on the Bladebreaker team. Though he is closer to the TYSON unit he gets along well with the KAI unit as well and somewhat sees him as an older brother unit. This unit's boundless energy can serve as an illuminating breath of refreshing sunshine to snap your KAI unit out of it when your Blitzkrieg badass' fits of emoness is too much to handle.
SUMERAGI DAICHI: this unit is often seen as a mini doppelganger of the GRANGER TYSON unit without his skill or the result of some genetic accident involving an array of ape genes and an energizer bunny. Do not be alarmed if your KAI unit frequently attempts to kill DAICHI units. This is his method of 'team-building' or 'bonding'…oh wait, no. No, he'll really try to kill them as he can't kill the TYSON unit because he will no longer have a real challenge when blading. (Sucks for DAICHI)
THE CHIEF: this vertically challenged unit seems to suffer from delusions of grandeur as he frequently thinks he's actually apart of the blading team when he's merely their glorified mechanic. He'll provide the necessary maintenance and upgrades for the KAI unit's beyblade should you let your KAI unit pursue fame and glory on the blading circuit.
TATIBANA HILARY: this unit is seen as nothing more than a glorified cheerleader/groupie of the Bladebreakers mostly by fangirls and boys everywhere, yaoi and non-yaoi alike. When not busy abusing DAICHI and TYSON units or breaking the sound barrier with her shrill nagging, this unit can be found stalking the neighbourhood KAI unit.
WARNING: OWNERS OF KAI UNITS BEWARE, SHE IS AN ALLY OF DERANGED FANGIRLS AND WILL AID IN THE KIDNAPPING OF KAI UNITS.
DICKENSON STANLEY: the HIWATARI KAI unit was asked to be captain of the Harbingers of Doom and Destruction, er…the Bladebreakers by this portly unit. He supposedly came up with the idea of beating the HIWATARI VOLTAIRE unit at his own game (because the pursuit of world domination is an amusing sport that should be left in the hands of pubescent and somewhat hormonal boys) with the Bladebreakers. The KAI unit's opinion of this unit is slightly ambiguous though he seems to have a moderate level respect for this unit as he is needed to fund tournaments.
Cleaning
KAI units are fiercely independent and are perfectly capable of bathing themselves, but they may be persuaded into accepting some additional attention, particularly with their back. They will enjoy having their toned muscles washed, dried and massaged, and can even be inclined to return the favour!
WARNING: the manufacturer will not be held responsible for any marital or relationship disputes that arise from 'cleaning' a HIWATARI KAI unit. How you interpret 'additional attention' is completely up to you.
Feeding
To maintain his muscular toned physique, your KAI unit will require a healthy balanced diet, with plenty of protein and iron rich dark leafy green vegetables. Include daily supplementary exercise to keep muscle flabbiness at bay. Please remember to keep KAI units away from too much coffee; a caffeine-hyped up KAI is never a good thing.
Rest
Your KAI unit keeps an active and busy lifestyle aimlessly roaming streets, running from fangirls/boys/HILARY units and whatnot as well as follows an intense daily workout regimen. Ensure that he receives a minimum of ten hours sleep per night to keep him looking fresh and his badassness level in peak condition.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: I confiscated all blading equipment in the house to try and get my KAI into Out of Character mode like the manual suggests. But instead of becoming mellowed and nonchalant around my best friend's TYSON, he decided to make nice with all the neighbourhood TYSONs! He keeps inviting them over to hang out. Oh God, now they're singing Willow Smith I Whip My Hair together, help!
A: Send him back for an immediate overhaul pronto!
Q: My KAI unit keeps wandering off at all hours of the day and it is days until I see him again.
A: It's just your unit's way of becoming one with the universe or something like that. KAI units have a radically different concept of time compared to normal units and enjoy freedom of the good ole outdoors. Virtually nothing short of breaking his legs will stop him from leaving so it's best to go on walks with him. Look at the bright side, at least by the end of the month you'll have killer sculpted legs to die for!
Q: My KAI's scarf keeps getting caught between doors or getting stepped on during walks. He point blank refuses to part ways with it despite my telling him the fangirls/boys are going to catch him one of these days. He just scoffs and waves it off. How can I get him to give up the scarf without dampening his style?
A: Sorry to break it to you but the scarf is a part of his identity and it looks damn good on him. Plus you should have more faith in your unit's fangirl/boy dodging skills. If you're that distressed look at it this way, he could be rocking Max's wardrobe from season 1.
Q: I keep coming home to find one more feline addition to my household courtesy of my KAI unit and it's not the neighbour's KON RAY! I'm frigging allergic to these things but he just won't listen to reason, how can I get him to stop?
A: Calmly explain to your unit that the more cats he brings home is the less time he has to train as you refuse to look after the cute little freeloaders yourself. It will be a tough decision but your unit should choose training. Bonus points if you mention the TYSON unit came up with a new strategy for blading.
Q: For the past week my KAI has taken to defacing the living room walls claiming his artistry could not be limited to adorning his cheeks with his shark fins and tattooing peoples' skin.
A: Scribble on DRANZER to show him it feels. On the off chance that he decides to kick your ass remind him that such actions are childish things that units of DAICHI's caliber with resort to and he should stop his wall scribbling ways.
Troubleshooting
Problem: Your KAI keeled over for no apparent reason and appears to be dead.
Solution: This usually happens when your KAI has been training with DRANZER for an extended period of time which probably means that there's a new BROOKLYN unit in town. It's either that or he's been secretly blading with a TYSON unit. To solve this problem, simply pop him in bed and play nurse for a week or two until he's back on his feet.
Problem: Your KAI unit returns from one of his city roaming missions with BLACK DRANZER's aura surrounding him.
Solution: Uh oh. Try having a TYSON unit give an inspirational friendship speech to brainwash him back to his cuddly emo self. If that doesn't work call Ghost Nappa!
Final Note
Your Blitzkrieg Badass will grow up to be cooler than you yourself could ever hope to get and possesses an exceptional talent and intelligence to accomplish just about anything he puts his mind to (except beating TYSON units, but don't tell him that). With that in mind, you will be blessed with a lifetime of companionship and loyalty with the patented HIWATARI KAI®. Ensure that he is well cared for after your death by entrusting him to a kind, capable and responsible friend or family member.