"These words: they haunt me, hunt me down, catch in my throat, make me pray, say -- 'love's confirmed' -- oh!" – 'strange currencies', REM
It's quiet at school now. All the reporters have finally been distracted by other stories, but everyone at Degrassi is still subdued with the memory of what happened– sitting on the edges of their seats waiting for news from the hospital of Jimmy Brooks and otherwise not daring to say anything at all.
Toby's not crying anymore, because the time for that's long past; instead he's just breathing in the silence and going from class to class and trying anything he can to keep his mind off of it, off of everything – off of the fact that he's now become the school's pariah, off of JT's knowing smirk, the way his voice hesitated saying "you'll have to find a new gay-mer geek friend". Most of all he's trying to forget the echo of Rick's voice, soft and resigned, You flirted with me, I thought you liked me, but that was something else .
Miss Kwan's teaching "The Stranger" and Mersault is suddenly too much. He raises his hand; the teacher doesn't even bother to ask, just gestures towards the door and continues her lecture. Toby almost feels guilty for escaping – like he's taking advantage of the uncomfortable pity all the teachers have for him, for Emma, would have had for Sean – and maybe that's why Sean didn't stay. He hesitates by the washroom doors, sighs, leans against a bank of lockers and closes his eyes. You flirted with me, I thought you liked me, but that was something else .
"Toby?" Another voice, thankfully interrupting. He opens his eyes, attempts a weak smile. "Hi Emma."
She holds up a piece of paper. "Couldn't concentrate on polynomials; Armstrong sent me to see Miss Sauvé."
"Like that would help," Toby mutters, under his breath.
A half-smile flashes across Emma's face, disappears. She takes a step closer, lowers her voice, murmurs, "You were…you were close , weren't you? You and Rick?"
He's forgotten how to breathe, so all he does is nod, watches as Emma's eyes widen. Finally, he finds his voice. "How did you know?"
"Because he was done accusing me. You were all that was left." Her voice shakes. "It…It was my fault, Toby, I led him on, I…"
And I didn't, Toby thinks, but what he says is "It wasn't anyone's fault, Emma," and he almost sounds convincing. You flirted with me, I thought you liked me, but that was something else . "Emma. You won't tell anyone? About me and Rick and…"
Her eyes fill with tears. She shakes her head, sniffles, says "I have to go, Miss Sauvé…"
"Yeah." He nods towards the washroom. "I have to go too," and the door swings shut behind him. He's always surprised when he catches his reflection, because he's not sure how it's possible to look exactly the same when he knows he's become someone new, different, foreign.You flirted with me, I thought you liked me, but that was something else, he thinks, and then, aloud, "I did like you. I do like you, still," and how different everything might have been if he'd only found those words sooner.