Story: Fix you

Author: XSabineX

Story for: Brokeback Mountain

Summary: After the last scene of BBM, Junior goes back and finds her father broken. They talk, and dig up some memories.

Special thanks to dmcintosh, whose stories I love, and she's helped me with my story, to make it to what it is now. Thank you, Donna!

I do not own any rights or characters!

1983

"Bye dad, I love you!" Junior said to her father. She'd just told him she was getting married.

"Love you too, darlin'," he called. She walked up to the car and got into it. She waved one more time at her dad and left. Only after a minute of driving she realized she left her sweater at her dad's. She wasn't far on the way yet so she decided to go back. She knocked on the door of her dad's trailer and he opened it. Eyes red of all the crying, bottle of whiskey in his hand.

"You left your sweater," he said.

"You been cryin', dad?" she asked her father.

"I'll just grab it for you, and you can go back to that boyfriend a yours, 'kay? It's in my closet," he said, not wanting her to know the reason for his crying. If she would've had his character, she might have actually done what he said. But she had her mother's curiosity, and wouldn't just leave.

"No daddy, first of all, if you're cryin', you shouldn't be drinkin'," she said, "only makes the feeling stronger. Now, sit down, dad, and tell me what's bothering you."

"Junior, you can't fix this sorta thing, so it's best if you just don't know," Ennis told his daughter.

"Dad, please, tell me what's on your mind. I'm a good listener, you know. Did you do something? You can tell me, I won't judge," she tried to convince her father. She grabbed his hand and sat down with him on his bed.

"Junior," Ennis said, "I'll be fine, I'll just go to bed. That Curt guy is probably waitin' for you to come home so you can fix him some dinner."

"Okay, fine, just promise me one thing, dad," she said, "you stay away from the alcohol, I want my father to walk me down the aisle at my wedding." She stood there for a moment, looking at her father, then walked over to his closet to open it. Ennis quickly stood up to stop her, but stumbled and wasn't able to get there before she did. She'd already opened the closet, his private place. Nobody's business but his. Junior's eye fell onto something, though, and she stopped to look at it.

"Daddy," she said, "how many times do I have to tell you? If your clothes are dirty, you can't just put them back in your closet! What is this anyway? These are some pretty nasty stains to get out," she said, inspecting the two shirts hanging on the door of his closet.

"What? Ah, them shirts, nah, I don't mind," he told her.

"Dad, c'mon, I can wash 'em for you," she said, "I'm pretty sure I can get most of it out, though I'm not sure-"

"Junior, please," Ennis said, "I don't mind, not like I wear 'em that much anyway."

"Well, if you say so, but don't come knockin' on my door when you can't get them stains out, 'kay?" Junior told her father. "Hey daddy, this Brokeback Mountain?" she asked, taking the post card that was also on the door, "It's beautiful. How come we never went there?"

"Too cold out there, wouldn't like it."

"How do you know? I like cold. Seems like a beautiful place to me." Junior said.

All he could say about it was: "It is." Junior looked at the post card once again.

She looked at it, and a random name came up in her head: Jack. Well, maybe not so random after all. That name brought up a lot of memories. Some happy, mostly involving her father, and some sad ones, involving her mother. She closed her eyes, trying to remember. She vaguely remembered some scenes. A stranger visiting, her father leaving, her mother crying. She used to be scared when this scene repeated itself. Used to be afraid her father was going to leave them. Would not come back. When they split she'd known it had been coming for a while now.

She concentrated again, remembered her parent's fighting, remembered her trying to protect her little sister. The strangest of all, she remembered her mother had told her once, when Junior had asked her why she was crying, that she'd hit her toe. A meaningless thing, but Junior now knew she hadn't hit her toe.

Junior shook her head to get rid of the memory. She hated her parent's being unhappy. The only times her father was happy was when he would go fishing with his fishing buddy. Though those where the moments their mother was most miserable.

"How's that Jack fella? He used to be your fishing buddy, right?" Junior asked. The second he looked into her chocolate-brown eyes, Ennis knew he couldn't lie to her.

"Yeah," he said, "died a couple a months ago."

"Oh dad, I'm so sorry," she said, "was he your best friend?"

Ennis nodded. Glad she didn't think anything else of it. Glad he didn't have to lie, and didn't have to tell her everything neither. "Yes he was," he said. A tear he'd been trying to hold rolled down his cheek. He quickly turned his head away.

"How did you meet? If you don't mind me askin'," she said.
"Guess not," he raised his shoulders, "we spent one summer herding sheep up at Brokeback. Before you were born, before I married your mother, even. Didn't see each other for four years after that, 'til he sent me a postcard."
"And you went out fishin'," Junior said, "I remember, he'd come a lot. Must have been great, seein' each other after four years." Junior smiled at her father.
"I guess so," Ennis, again, raised his shoulders, not wanting to think of that moment. It'd been so good back then. He was a stupid coward, that's all he was, for letting Jack slip right trough his fingers.
"You know that's the only times I remember you being happy, when he come and the two of you'd go fishin'," she didn't add the part of her mother being miserable.
"I guess he understood me," Ennis said, "you know, 'cause we was in the same situation," he quickly added. Another tear rolled down his cheek. Junior took his hand and held it. "Oh daddy, everyone needs someone to talk to, you can't just keep it all inside, it has to get out sometime!" she told her father, "you know you can tell me, right?"
He nodded. "Guess so. You wanna beer?" Ennis asked his daughter.
"No thanks," she told him, "Dad?"
"yeah?"
"You ever loved momma?"
He sighed, he knew this question was coming. They both remembered. She'd asked that question a long time ago, when he was still married. He hadn't given her no answer.

1970

"Jenny, come over here, lie down next to me." the little girl told her sister. The four year old got out of her bed and got into her older sister's bed.
"Why they yellin' Alma?" Jenny asked.
"I don't know." The six year old didn't have an answer to that. She covered her little sister's ear with her hand and sang her favourite song. It was about two birds runnin' off together, to a warm place. Their mother sang it to them sometimes. Said they were her two little birdies, flying out together when they were big enough.
When her sister was asleep, there wasn't much for Junior to do but listen to her parent's fighting.
"What you mean, we got nothin' left, Ennis? You told me last week you was gettin' a raise! Where'd all a that money go? You ate it?"
"I spent it, Alma! Gals needed new coats, they was freezin' to death!"
"We made a deal, Ennis! We was gonna save money so we could go over to my folks at Christmas. Gals need to get out of here sometime."
"Well, they needed new coats and I bought 'em! Ain't seein' you do anything but smoke all day! We could invite your folks over at our place, couldn't we?"
"Aw, c'mon Ennis, you see any room for that? Maybe if you had a job down town we wouldn't be livin' up here. Could have gotten us a place down town, table for six..."
Junior stopped listening. She hated it when her parents were like this, but most of all she hated if her sister heard. She couldn't remember them bein' happy together. Sure, they would smile at Junior and her sister, tell 'em they loved 'em, but to each other they never did.
Junior had asked her dad once, if they loved each other. Only answer she got out of him was: "it's complicated, little girl, nothin' for you to be worryin' 'bout."
She'd left it with that, already knowing her daddy wasn't much of a talker.

1983

He hadn't given her no answer back then. Now, he just had to, looking into those lovely brown eyes.
"In the beginnin', I did, I think. Didn't know any better. Do think I loved her, not in the way I shoulda though." He sighed again.

"Daddy," Junior said, "there's no way you could have know that. You've been a great dad to me and Jenny, you know that right?"

When he didn't say anything, Junior said again: "You know that, right daddy?"

"Yeah." It wasn't that convincing, so Junior moved closer to her father and hugged him, crawled up in his lap. Remembering another day.

1972

Junior was sitting at the kitchen table, sketching on a notebook. Her mother and sister were out to get the groceries but she didn't want to go with them, so there wasn't much to do for her besides drawing. Her father came into the kitchen once in a while to grab a beer, and then he was gone again. After the fourth beer since she'd started counting she walked into the living room and climbed onto her father's lap and hugged him.

"Hey daddy!" she said to her father.

"Junior, not now, please," he said, "I've got a headache."

"Mommy says it's because of the beer. It ain't good for you, daddy!"

"That's what your mom says," he answered, "I say I can do what I want, I'm a grown man."

The little girl thought about that for a moment. "How old do you have to be to be grown?" she then asked her father.

Ennis smiled. "I don't know, Junior, I guess when you're able to make the right decisions, you're grown."

"Like drinkin' beer is the right decision for you?"

"I've got my reasons for that, gal," Ennis said, "helps me with stuff."

"What stuff, daddy?"

"You'll figure it out when you're older," he answered.

"And I can make the right decisions?" she asked.

"Right."

1983

"Daddy," Junior said, "I'm a grown woman. I can make the right decisions now, but can you?"

"'Course I can," he replied.

"Are you sure?" she asked, "are you sure shutting yourself out from the world is the right thing to do? Are you sure drinking beer and whiskey is what's good for you? Are you sure you can live without anyone to love? Are you-"

"Okay," Ennis said, "I get the point. You don't think I should live like this, but it's my life."

"This ain't no life, daddy! Why are you drinking actually? You divorced momma seven years ago, that's over! Okay, your best friend died, that's months ago! Get over it!"

Ennis closed his eyes, a failed attempt to keep the tears inside. "Some things just take a little longer to get over, Junior," he said. Another tear rolled down his cheek, and this time he didn't do anything to hide it. Junior saw it and looked into her father's eyes. She saw so much in those eyes. Sadness, bitterness, regret, doubt, but also some kind of happiness and pride.

Another memory came up in her head. It didn't have anything to do with the conversation they were having, though. She closed her eyes, trying to remember every word of the conversation she'd had with her sister.

"What you thinking 'bout?" Ennis asked.

"You know, one day, I think we was 'bout thirteen, fourteen years old," Junior said, "me and Jenny was talking. She asked me 'bout Jack Twist, asked me who he was. I asked her why she wanted to know. Said she'd heard you and momma talk 'bout him. She said she'd heard momma call this Jack Twist, Jack Nasty, and that you didn't go fishing with him. Jenny asked me what you did do, then, and I didn't have the answer."

"So," Ennis said after a while, in a husky voice, "what'd you tell her?"

"I told her she should ask momma."

"And?"

"I don't know what she told Jenny," Junior answered, "and I never asked."
Junior swallowed, as bit by bit, it all began to fall in it's place. Suddenly, all those things had a different meaning.

Her mother crying, didn't mean she'd hit her toe anymore.

Her father saying he didn't love her mother the way he should have, now had a total different meaning.

Him not getting remarried had another reason.

Fishing trips, a best friend, Jack Nasty… all had a different meaning now.

One of her latest memories came. Her dad crying in the doorway. She now understood. She sat down next to her father and held him.

"Daddy," she said in a soft voice, "you loved him."

There was no denying this, there was no point in anymore lying to Junior. He'd always known that someday, no matter how old he'd be, someday he'd have to tell. And why shouldn't that moment be now, and shouldn't that person be his daughter, who of all people would never judge. She knew, and once she knew something, it would stay with her.

"I was supposed to love your mother," he said.
"You didn't know any better," Junior told her father, then after a while continued: "You didn't know any better until you met Jack Twist."
"I didn't plan for it to happen, it just did. I would've gone up to Brokeback, save some money, me and your momma was gonna get married, find a place of our own. We did, and we got the two of you, the only good things about that marriage, may sound horrible but I know that if you ask your mother she'll say the same. We was gonna start a life together, but instead, I threw away the life I had for one I was too afraid to live. Let me give you some advice, gal, live your life like you want it. Don't let nobody tell you what to do. You know what I told you, about being grown? Guess I'm not grown, I made the wrong decisions in both a my lives. And now all I've got left is regret and those shirts. Promise me you won't let anybody tell you what to do, and for sure don't let fear take over your life."

Junior now also had her eyes filled with tears. She nodded at her father. "I promise."