These things happen.
Inside Cloud City, Luke Skywalker was very successful in his battle with Darth Vader. By leaping up to the ceiling and clinging to it, he managed to stay out of the reach of the powerful Vader and his glowing blood-red lightsaber.
That, of course, did not dissuade "Darthie," as Pete called him. He sent giant machinery flying at Luke. The first time, Luke stayed firmly rooted in place but despite his spider-strength with some invulnerability getting hit really hurt. After that, he started leaping out of the way, usually with a grin on his face. That was probably some of Pete's cockiness rubbing off on him.
Luke shot webbing in the lenses of Vader's helmet. The Dark Lord growled but he still swung his lightsaber with deadly accuracy. Luke realized Vader must really be attuned to the Force to act without his senses. Thanks to his spider-sense, Luke was able to leap out of the way with each swing of the lightsaber.
But then Luke started using his own lightsaber (cockiness again). Next thing he knew, the young Jedi-in-training was being backed out on to a railing. He recalled Yoda telling him, "Mindful of your surroundings you must be."
About that time, Luke's spider-sense really went off, and he quickly moved his hand sharply to his left to block a powerful thrust. Without that move, Luke realized, his hand would be gone.
Luke took no more chances. He leaped high up, and when he came back down, with Vader growling and swinging his lightsaber, Luke attached himself to the machinery at the end of the railing. There, he hung upside-down, well out of Vader's reach.
Had he been Peter, he would have said "neener neener." As it was, he just felt relief. There was nothing out here that Vader could throw at him.
Leaning over the railing, Vader spoke in his distinctive deep voice.
"Luke, let us end this destructive conflict. With your enhanced abilities, we could rule the galaxy. Join me," he said in a kind of sinister whisper.
Though spoken quietly, the "join me" sounded less like a plea and more like an order.
"I'll never join you!" Luke shouted in a hoarse voice while clinging upside down. Unlike Pete, he did not like to hang by a strand of webbing. And not really necessary for a Jedi to do so. .
Still leaning over the railing, Vader clenched his fist.
"Obi-Wan and Ben Parker never told you the truth about your father, did they?"
At the mention of Ben Parker, Luke felt a small sting inside.
"They told me enough!" Luke spat through gritted teeth. "They told me you killed him!"
The Dark Lord's voice was cool and crisp.
"No, Luke. I am your father."
A wave of shock went through Luke. His father? Oppressor of the people? Destroyer of worlds? Tool of the Empire?
Luke went with his gut reaction. "That's not true!" he blurted out. "That's impossible!"
A slight shaking of the fist accompanied the sinister voice of Vader.
"Search your feelings, youngster. You kno-o-ow it to be true."
During the pause that followed, there was at first only slight gasping from Luke. Then, everything inside Luke exploded.
"No-o-o-o!" he shouted.
Vader went silent while Luke gasped and groaned. It was like the Dark Lord knew letting this news sink in was his best weapon, his best strategy.
Maybe it was just a coping mechanism, but Luke found himself thinking back to Toshi Station and drinking Diet Mountain Dew with Biggs, Pete and Harry. But then he thought about that fateful trip to Oscorp, the death of Pete's Uncle Ben, the death of his own Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, the loss of Alderaan.
Vader's voice brought him back to the present.
"Luke, join me," the Dark Lord urged. "Together we can rule the galaxy as father and son."
Before Luke could respond or even consider his options, someone in red and blue swung in, knocking Vader over. "Whoo hoo!" that someone shouted. In contrast with the someone's exuberant cheer, the Dark Lord made growling-roaring noises. He even sounded confused and startled.
Perched on top of the steeple-like machinery at the end of the railing, Peter Parker shot web fluid over Vader's lenses, causing the Dark Lord to growl and roar some more.
I already did that, Luke thought. Hasn't even dissolved yet.
Firing more web fluid, Peter bound Vader's arms then hung him from a doorway. From down below, Luke recalled Peter doing the same to "Daily Bugle" loudmouth J. Jonah Jameson. Like Jonah, Vader kicked his legs as he convulsed and twitched. Pete had already used web fluid to yank his lightsaber away and send it falling.
"Too bad you don't have spider-sense along with the Force, eh, Darthie?" Peter said as his nemesis kicked and writhed, groaning and roaring all the while.
Luke jumped up to Pete, and the two ran through the doorway, being careful, naturally, to avoid the kicking legs of Vader.
Minutes later, they clung to a ceiling near a landing pad while stormtroopers ran below them. They used the Force to communicate mentally but even then Luke whispered sharply.
"What are you doing here? You were supposed to stay with Yoda and complete the training."
Peter pulled back the Spider-Man mask or at least part of it. Only to breathe.
"Hey!" Pete said in a sharp mental burst. "If it wasn't for me, Han would still be in that carbonite. Besides, I thought you could use a hand."
"I'm covered. Hear me, Leia," Luke called out with his mind.
"I already told her to meet us back here." Even as a mental message, Pete's words sounded testy. "And by the way, Yoda said there was 'another.' But it wasn't me."
"I wonder what that means," Luke mused.
Shortly thereafter, the "Millennium Falcon" hovered over the landing pad, and Luke and Peter attached their webbing to it. As the ship rose, with stormtroopers firing at it, Peter shouted, "Whoo-hoo!" Just like he did that first day he and Luke discovered their spider-powers.
Once inside the "Falcon," Luke took a few seconds to think about where they had been, where they came from.
He knew Peter's bravado was to cover up the guilt he felt about the death of his Uncle Ben. Peter felt directly responsible for that, as he once confessed to his Aunt May.
For Luke, it was different. When stormtroopers killed his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, Luke wasn't even there. Had he been there, there was nothing he could have done.
Luke's thoughts were interrupted when an image of Darth Vader appeared in his mind. The man spoke.
"Luke."
"Father," Luke said.
"Huh?" from Pete.
"Son," Vader said.
In Peter's mind, Vader held out a gloved fist.
"I will destroy you, you arachnid interloper."
"You can try, Darthie," Peter said. As the image vanished from his mind, Peter turned to Luke. "So now instead of calling him 'Darthie,' I should call him 'Daddy?'"
"It's not a joking matter, Pete," Luke snapped.
Peter held up his hands. "Okay, okay." To lighten up the mood, Peter changed the topic. "Looks like Darthie has been learning to talk like some of the other supervillains that have cropped up."
"He should," Luke muttered. "He helped create some of them."
From the cockpit entrance, Princess Leia Organa stood with arms crossed and a skeptical look on her face.
"So did the spider-boys accomplish anything down there?"
Peter grinned. "I got Darthie all tied up. And we're spider-MEN, thank you very much."
"You're Spider-Man. I'm still Luke. Although who I am now..." He trailed off.
Leia looked concerned. "Luke, what's wrong?"
"I'll tell you later," Luke said quietly.
As he smiled, Peter crossed his arms. "Don't worry, princess. I saved the day for everyone."
"Don't get cocky, Parker," Han snapped from the pilot's seat. "Boba will probably still be after me. My competitors have enough money to see to that."
"At least you're not in carbonite, Han." Turning to Leia, Peter smiled. "I did get Han out of the carbonite."
"I suppose," Leia said.
"I helped, too," Lana Calrissian said meekly as he held up a finger. When Chewbacca roared, Lando held up both hands as he backed away. "All right, all right, all right!" he said just before he collided with Leia. The princess gave an undignified "umph" and shot Lando a harsh look.
Glaring at Lando, Han stabbed the air with his forefinger.
"We'll talk about your 'help' later."
"Hey, come on, Han. Even from far away, I taught you how to run your new business. You know, before I betrayed you and turned you over to the Empire."
"Later," Han snapped.
"I'll shut up now," Lando offered meekly.
Peter knew something of Han's strange story. It happened right after the Transfer. A few days after New York City mysteriously appeared near Mos Eisley on Tatooine, a lot of New Yorkers took their winter coats and deposited them outside the city.
The Jawas quickly gathered them up, and they might simply have sat there as a nice mountain of winter coats. But then Han swooped in and began shipping them to the colder planets. Along with his smuggling buddies, he arranged to meet the shipping needs of the newly arrived metropolis. After all, they were no longer surrounded by the nation or world they once knew.
With a lot of import and export needs to meet, Han was suddenly a very rich man. So you'd think he would have retreated to some paradise planet. But with the Empire out there, there was no paradise.
There's also that old saying: Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it. Han spent about two weeks living a life of luxury before he became incredibly bored. To cure that boredom, he took a run-down seedy cantina in Mos Eisley and turned it into New-York-Mos-Eisley's hottest nightclub called "Han's." From there, he personally took on the more exotic shipping needs of some very unusual customers. Including two kids, an old man, and two droids.
Han was a CEO with his own smuggling operation. And with New York City sitting on one of the outer rim worlds, the Rebellion had a new source of supply and manpower. Of course, there were also unusual challenges to meet.
But luckily there was a rich CEO to help meet some of those challenges. Peter knew the "Falcon" had been updated with top-of-the-line components and weapons. (Including those snazzy guns that fired from underneath the ship, like they did that time on Hoth.) Luke once called the ship a piece of junk. And it certainly looked it; a great way to fool the Empire. Who'd think a CEO would be anywhere near such a rust bucket? But like Han said, "She's got it where it counts."
"Let's get out of here, spider-boy," Leia said.
"That's Spider-Man."
A slight grunt from Han. "I still say if you wanted to frighten criminals and stormtroopers, you should have dressed up like a bat."
"Or a minok," Leia said with a sly grin.
"Everyone hates spiders," Peter said. "Even the Empire. And especially Jonah." He grinned. "Hey, with a name like Jonah, you think he'll get swallowed by a whale?"
"We can only hope," Leia said drily.
Peter then pulled a camera from his belt. "I wonder if he'll like these pics of Spidey and Darthie."
"Does Jonah like anything?" Leia asked. She then looked at Luke, who seemed far away and distant.
Luke was, in fact, lost in his own thoughts. Those thoughts involved his friends.
Han got rich as a result of the Transfer. That's what New York City officials called the city's sudden appearance on Tatooine; others called it by less polite names. Besides using part of his riches to upgrade a shady cantina in Mos Eisley, Han also hired bodyguards to keep away the occasional unruly Hammerhead, Walrus-Face or Scar-Face.
One bodyguard was an old nemesis named Greedo. According to Han, the best way to get rid of a nemesis was to hire him and pay him well. Unfortunately, while this worked when bribing individual stormtroopers, it didn't work with Vader.
Luke remembered how he felt under-dressed when he visited the snazzy glowing club with its rainbow neon. In contrast, Obi-Wan seemed casual, easy-going, indifferent, unimpressed. Ho-hum, seen all this before.
Immediately, Luke noticed a few things about Han. One was that for a CEO he was very casually dressed with a black vest over a white shirt. And why did you need a blaster holster if you had bodyguards? That Greedo fellow looked like he might shoot any moment.
Luke also noted Han's smug smile, which was followed by his arrogant tone of voice.
"I'm Han Solo, captain of the 'Millennium Falcon.' Chewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system." Before Luke could respond, Han held up his hand as he smiled. "I'm a very wealthy man so no charge, if that's what you're worried about, kid."
"I wasn't worried," Luke grunted in response.
Once arrangements were made, Obi-Wan suggested Luke sell his speeder. Assuming he would never return to Tatooine or New York City again, Luke agreed. Through all this, Peter was silent. Still grieving the loss of his uncle, even after a year. .
It was a lot different from when the two friends cheered the Empire's unsuccessful invasion of New York City. Which was actually called New York Mos Eisley but most just called it New York, much to the consternation of the natives. They might be a wretched hive of scum and villainy but they still had some civic pride in their dust bowl planet.
The trip to Alderaan became a trip to a Death Star and Yavin. Through it all, Pete was often morose and silent, still feeling guilt about the death of Uncle Ben. More deaths followed. Obi-Wan. Biggs. But Pete took the necessary action when he had to, with all the face-saving bravado he could muster. And although Luke found Han to be cocky and smug, he turned out to be a good friend.
"Luke, you all right?" Leia asked softly.
"I'm fine," Luke said. "Just thinking back on all we've done."
Mentally, Luke returned to that first adventure. Aboard the Death Star, Han hardly needed to be talked into saving the princess. Apparently he was a CEO who craved adventure and didn't mind bickering with a spirited Rebel leader.
It was Pete who worried him. He insisted on staying aboard the Death Star to try to sabotage it.
When Luke succeeded in blowing up the Death Star, he had a joyful reunion with Han, Leia, and the droids. But his joy was tinged by the thought he had lost one more friend.
While Rebels on Yavin cheered and celebrated, a TIE fighter landed nearby. A bunch of armed Rebels approached the downed craft, only to have Peter emerge and shout, "Whoo-hoo!"
After General Dadonna lectured Pete, an awards ceremony was held. The Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy were present. Peter insisted on hanging upside down on a web.
And how did all this happen?
While Uncle Owen would not let Luke attend the academy, he did let him go on a field trip to Oscorp with Biggs, Peter, and Harry. It was there Luke and Pete were bitten by genetically modified spiders. Soon they found themselves climbing walls and swinging on webs.
Back then, Norman Osborn was more subtle in his support of the Empire. Once he moved to another planet, he became more open as he developed his Goblin stormtroopers.
One particular Goblin stormtrooper, whom "Daily Bugle" editor J. Jonah Jameson dubbed "the Green Goblin" (an assistant suggested "Green Meanie"), decided to endanger a tram full of children and blaster-wielding actress Mary Jane Watson. Not only did the Green Goblin have to face angry New Yorkers, he also had to face two Spider-Men.
As the Green Goblin hovered on his glider, New Yorkers stood on a bridge throwing rocks at him.
"Leave the two Spider-Men alone!" The man who shouted seemed like the unofficial spokesman for the mob on the bridge. He had stringy black hair under a red baseball cap, and with his bulbous nose he looked like a real-life version of Leroy Lockhorn from the comic strip "The Lockhorns."
When he shouted, it was in a nasal voice. "You gotta pick on two guys trying to save a bunch of kids?"
Next to "Leroy," a Bob Marley look-a-like waved a fist with a gold bracelet underneath. "I got something for you here!"
Removing his cap and scratching his head, "Leroy" muttered appreciatively to "Bob." "That redhead down there don't seem like she normally needs help."
From next to the tram, Mary Jane fired her blaster. A couple shots bounced off the Green Goblin as he hovered in his glider. Having almost lost his balance, he quickly flew away.
"Ha!" Peter shouted. "Just like the Empire clearing out of New York!" He and Luke high-fived each other then Mary Jane held up two open palms and they both high-fived her at the same time.
With Mary Jane and the kids safe, the two Spider-Men perched on top of a bridge. There, Luke removed the Spidey mask he once said he would never wear.
"I was happy to help you this time, Pete. Whoa!" Luke waved his hand at the mask. "Have you washed this thing at all? Uck!" He spit out hair from his tongue.
"Where am I supposed to do laundry?" Peter asked as he removed his mask.
"You could use the Rebel washing machines."
"Easier to do it here."
"You can take pictures for money anywhere, you know."
"Yeah, I know. And I should. I'm trying to help my Aunt May."
"I know. I get that." A final spit from Luke. "I was happy to help you this time, Pete. But I have to focus on the Rebellion. And I really don't want Jonah's attention."
"Neither do I."
Luke took a deep breath. "I've decided to learn the ways of the Force, Pete."
"I want to do that, too."
Luke raised skeptical eyebrows. "You just decided that now?"
"No, I've been thinking about it for a while now. I mean, look at the way Mary Jane became a fierce warrior in such a short time." After casually shooting a web, Peter hung upside down.
Luke shook his head. How could Peter find that comfortable or relaxing?
"If I put my mind to it, I could learn the ways of the Force," Peter said.
Luke leaned over slightly. "Yes, I can see that you concentrate really well."
"Ah, doing this is easy. I need a challenge."
"Aren't you needed here to fight crime?"
"Maybe once in a while. The other superheroes can take care of that now."
"Doesn't Iron Man mainly deal with international situations?"
"Yeah, exactly. He can break up a war between the Jawas and the Sand People."
"Very funny, Pete. What I mean is Iron Man probably won't be stopping a lot of muggings and burglaries. And don't the Avengers mainly deal with extraterrestrial invasions?"
"If the Empire invades New York again, the people of New York can deal with them. With or without the Avengers." Even upside-down, Peter gave Luke an earnest pleading look. "Come on, Luke. I want to be part of something bigger. Just like Han."
Luke realized that for all his flippant brash talk and goof-off attitude, Pete really did want to help.
"Let's go then."
As they used their webs to swing to Mos Eisley spaceport, Luke said, "What if the Hulk goes on another rampage? The Emperor could use that as an excuse to send in more Goblin stormtroopers. The Emperor might even find a way to goad the Hulk into going on a rampage."
"Last time you used your lightsaber on him, and all you did was get him really angry."
"Yeah. I don't like him when he's angry."
Han had the "Falcon" waiting for them.
It was on Dagobah that Yoda sent Luke and Peter into a dark place where they got into a lightsaber battle.
"You could have saved my Uncle Ben!" Peter shouted as he brought his lightsaber crashing down.
"That's not true!"
"You were too busy being a farmer! You were too busy saving a couple of droids!"
Luke felt his anger rise up. "Maybe you could have saved my Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. If you had been there!"
As they paused, the two young men gasped and panted. More out of anger than physical exertion. This was a long way from drinking Diet Dew at Toshi Station. Or even facing the Imperial walkers on Hoth.
As he bent over, an out-of-breath Luke clutched his knees. "Face it, Pete. You're just trying to cover up the guilt you feel for letting that thief run out of Han's club."
Peter looked grim and sad. "You're right."
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad. But we have to face the truth about ourselves."
Weakly, Peter nodded. "We do."
It was then that Darth Vader and the Green Goblin appeared. Their heads flew off. Vader's mask fell away, and Luke saw his own face.
The Goblin's head lay at Peter's feet. His mask was also gone. Neither Peter nor Luke could make out the face.
When the two emerged from the dark place, they found Yoda tapping the ground with his walking stick, head bent as he looked down.
"As Ben Parker once said: 'Comes with great responsibility great power does."
Their training was interrupted by their little trip to Cloud City. And after that episode, they ran into a new problem. One they had to tell Leia about once they returned from New York.
As they entered the command center of the Rebel base, a cross Princess Leia stood with her arms folded over her long white dress.
"Where have you two been?"
Inwardly, Peter briefly noted that Leia had returned to the bun-rolls hairstyle. Outwardly, he gave a slight shrug.
"What can I say, Leia? There's always some crisis. If it's not the Empire finding the new Rebel base, it's something in New York."
"I hope you weren't followed," she said. "Now, what's happened in New York?"
"Oh, just the usual," Peter said.
"There was some substance threatening to destroy the city," Luke said.
Leia looked skeptical. "I would think the Avengers could take care of that."
"They were offworld," Peter explained. "An Empire trick."
"The Empire has a lot of those," Leia said drily.
"I got drawn into this because of a friend of mine, Doctor Otto Octavius," Peter said.
Leia raised her eyebrows. "The Otto Octavius?"
"Yeah. You know him?"
"Of course I don't."
Peter blushed slightly. "Right. Anyway, turns out the whole thing was an Empire plot to get to Luke and me."
"They attached these tentacles to him that scrambled his brain," Luke said. "We even needed Mary Jane to help us against Doc Ock."
Leia's eyebrows went up again. "Doc Ock?"
Now Luke blushed slightly. "Sorry. That's Jonah's name for him. Short for 'Doctor Octopus.' I'm no fan of Jonah but the name does kind of stick."
Peter cleared his throat. "Doctor Octavius," he said pointedly, "managed to overcome the programming in the tentacles through sheer will."
"He drowned the substance in the river," Luke said. "He saved us all."
"And you guys just watched?" Leia asked.
"We worked with Mary Jane to help the innocent bystanders," Peter said meekly. "There was a lot of stuff flying around."
Luke nodded. "It was almost like facing my fath-Vader."
Peter grinned. "But that's kind of inspiring, isn't it, Leia? That Empire technology can be overcome by the human spirit. Doesn't it just want to make you press on, keep fighting?"
Leia smiled. "In a way, it does, Pete."
As they headed for the briefing room, Luke thought how he had almost slipped. What would people think if they learned Darth Vader was his father?
Leia broke into his thoughts.
"You know, Luke, you can't be rushing back and forth between New York and our new base," Leia said. "Especially if you want to be a Jedi Knight. We need you here."
"I know, I know," Luke said. "I'll try to do better."
"Well, you're not alone," Leia said, placing a hand on his back. "I'll try to help however I can."
"Thanks, Leia," Luke said as he briefly held her hand. Outside of his friends, Leia was like family. .
After the Doc Ock incident, Peter and Luke had another little crisis. An alien symbiote, code name "Venom," got loose from Men In Black headquarters. It became a new costume for Peter, a black one. In addition to his new attire, Peter developed a rather obnoxious personality. .
This resulted in a showdown in Harry Osborn's penthouse. In his paranoid brainwashed state, Harry blamed both Luke and Peter for the death of his father (someone still very much alive and running Oscorp experiments for the Empire). Given Harry's belief, it was ironic that Luke tried to keep Peter from hurting their mutual friend.
At the center of the conflict was Mary Jane. Able warrior that she was, she was still powerless when the brainwashed Harry threatened to kill Peter. Under directions from Harry, she told Peter that she didn't love him.
Now the Venom-influenced Peter was much worse.
"Out of my way, Skywalker," Peter snarled. He had a large dark bang hanging over one eye though that certainly was not the most odd thing about him.
Luke held out an open palm. "I can't let you do this, Pete."
"You don't have a choice!"
"We always have a choice," Luke insisted softly.
Behind Luke, Harry tossed an exploding Goblin-ball. Alerted by his spider-sense, Luke leaped out of the way. But Peter stayed firmly rooted and swatted the ball back at Harry. An explosion followed. Peter was gone while Luke hung upside-down from a balcony.
As they both swung quickly across the city, Luke followed Peter to a bell tower in a church.
Once he landed, Luke made his breathless announcement.
"Harry's still alive, Pete. Ambulance is on its way."
"That's too bad," Peter said curtly.
In contrast with Peter's callous attitude, Luke regretted that the Force and his spider-sense hadn't enabled him to stop the explosion or pull Harry away from it. But he had no way of knowing that Peter would throw the ball back instead of leaping out of the way.
"I can't believe what you did, Pete.." Shaking his head, Luke looked and sounded amazed.
Peter responded with a cold look. "Let's hope it knocked some sense into him."
"It's not that simple, Peter. The Empire kidnapped Harry. Vader tortured him and brainwashed him. Vader turned him into the Hobgoblin."
"I don't care!" Peter roared as he suddenly pulled the black mask off. "He took Mary Jane from me!"
"There are bigger things here, Pete! And besides, whatever Harry did, he did it under Vader's influence!"
"Yes. Vader. Your father," Peter sneered. "Does the apple fall far from the tree?"
"This isn't you, Pete."
"Or maybe it is. All I know is it feels great."
As they leaped and fought around the bell tower, they stopped at one point to hang upside down from the ceiling and their lightsabers clashed; Peter tried to yank Luke's lightsaber away with his webbing. Luke was too strong and too fast for that.
As they fought, they occasionally collided with the bell tower. Luke noticed that when the bell rang, Pete's black uniform broke apart into strands almost like thick gooey webbing. Once he realized this, Luke delivered powerful blows to the bell, causing it to ring loudly and often. The black suit dissolved into strands that looked like melted rubber, and sunk to the pews below.
Peter was on his knees gasping and panting.
"Pete, you all right?"
"I need it back," Peter said tearfully.
"We'll find a way to help you through this." Luke felt pretty sure the Venom hadn't escaped MIB headquarters by accident. This was probably all arranged by the Empire.
"I'll contact M-I-B to clean up the mess," Luke said as he pulled out a communicator.
It was too late. Down below, the stringy symbiote found a new host: a hurt and angry Eddie Brock. As the dark webbing wrapped around Eddie and formed a new black suit, only the face of the angry young man remained visible. On that face, Eddie formed an almost demonic smile.
"Now the Empire is sure to take me as a recruit, maybe even their top recruit," he said in a snarling voice. "And I'll get even with Parker."
Now imagine if this were a movie. .
Well, for one thing, the movie theater would be very large because of the popularity of the two combined franchises.
There would be fanboys wearing Spider-Man masks and waving glowing toy lightsabers. Of course, there would also be fangirls. "Fangirls?" Oh, sorry. Is that sexist? How about fanladies?
Let's zero in on one particular movie theater and two specific fanpersons. One is a female fanperson named Peggy who has some questions and concerns.
"This is ridiculous," Peggy says with hand firmly on hip. She wears the waitress outfit Mary Jane wore briefly in the first "Spider-Man" movie. By that, I mean the first Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movie.
"How would something like this even happen?" Peggy complains. She lifts her hands then slaps them back down. "I mean, Oscorp and Peter Parker in the 'Star Wars' galaxy? How is that even possible? Explain."
Peggy's friend Harold, bereft of Spider-Man mask and lightsaber, lifts a finger as he responds.
"Don't forget the Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy were present at the awards ceremony in the throne room."
"Yes!" Peggy throws up her hands. "My point exactly." Then she gestures to the screen, as if that explains it all. "This is ridiculous!" she clarifies loudly.
No doubt someone would summon the theater manager if not for all the other commotion.
Harold, a writer of fan fiction, wears an impish grin as he taps his chin.
"Actually, they've already explained it. The Transfer, remember? But there are other ways to do it. Powerful beings could combine universes."
"Oh!" Peggy exclaims. "Like in the big D-C Marvel crossover!"
"Yes, exactly. Or maybe Q goes insane. Or the Ancients go rogue. Or both."
Peggy makes a face. "Wouldn't that just result in some big conflict between Captain Picard and S-G-One?"
"It could." Harold gets that look, like he's just thought of a new idea. "Or maybe something else happens. Something like this."
Harold outlines his idea in almost narrative fashion.
In the Fifth Dimension there was a magical imp named Mr. Mxyzptlk (Mixy to his friends). And while he had many extraordinary powers, Mixy was unable to combine universes or change an entire galaxy. Unlike that pesky Q, who was responsible for turning Captain Kirk's quadrant into a place of bright colors and artificial-looking landscapes.
But one day Mixy found a warehouse of extraordinary objects. One such object was a Reality Changer Machine. It was, he realized, probably one of those doodads left behind by some powerful race that had either gone extinct or moved on to some other realm. Powerful beings were always looking for a nicer neighborhood, usually one free of carbon-based lifeform infestations.
While examining the machine, Mixy recalled how he had recently watched the "Star Wars" trilogy, the original. He held his nose at the prequels and that annoying Jar-Jar fellow. He'd also watched the "Spider-Man" trilogy, the original with Tobey Maguire. He held his nose at the "Amazing Spider-Man" movies with that Garfield fellow. Although a Spider-Man movie with Garfield the cat could be very entertaining. Who wouldn't love lasagna combined with web-spinning? And of course that Emma Stone was quite a cutie.
In any case, Mixy set the dials for "Spider-Man" and "Star Wars." And voila! Oscorp and Peter Parker were combined with the Empire and the Rebellion. Having done his part to create more chaos in the universe, Mixy went off to search the warehouse for the Lost Ark.
"And that's how you end up with Peter Parker swinging around Cloud City," Harold concludes proudly.
"You can't do something like that!" Peggy protests.
Harold shrugs. "Why not? Maybe that's how New York City got transferred to Tatooine."
"Hey!" someone behind them hisses. "Why don't you watch this on video later where you can talk all you want?"
Harold looks at the guy who has his feet up on a seat. "Really? There's all this other commotion, and you're worried about the two of us talking?"
"Let's just watch the movie," Peggy says. "Even if there's no good explanation for the Transfer."
A few seats away, Raj Koothrappali munches on popcorn as he smiles.
"Hee-larious," he says.
Along with the rest of the audience, he turns his attention back to the movie and the crowd that has gathered in Times Square.
J. Jonah Jameson puffed on a cigar as he addressed the crowd of reporters and angry New Yorkers that had assembled in Times Square. To be fair, the people weren't quite as angry as when New York City first arrived on Tatooine; the shock value of that had long since worn off. But years of blistering heat for people used to seasonal change and winter had brought them to the boiling point.
The New York mob was pretty hot under the collar. And the focus of their rage was the short bald man in the white lab coat, the one inside the bubble that gave off sparks.
Jameson used his cigar to gesture toward the little man. "Well, Doctor Silvana, we're gathered here today to see if you've found a way to send us back to Earth, back where we came from." He smirked. "Because if there's a bright center to the universe, we're on the planet it's farthest from." He guffawed. "Like that? I made that up myself."
"No, you didn't," Luke muttered from the audience. He kept one hand on his lightsaber. In Times Square, there was always someone trying to snatch something. And they weren't always from the Mos Eisley section.
"That's Jonah," Peter sighed as he stood next to Luke. "A triple threat. Slander, libel, and plagiarism."
Luke leaned in toward him. "And he seems to see you as a bigger threat than the Empire."
"That's what some journalists do," Peter said in a bored voice. "They lose all perspective."
As Peter looked around at the crowd, he recalled three times the people of New York got really mad. When they first arrived on Tatooine. When the Empire tried to invade. Peter recalled Humphrey Bogart's line in "Casablanca" about how there were parts of New York that no one should try to invade. And the Empire certainly lost a lot of laser rifles during that ill-conceived invasion.
There was also that time the people of New York stood up to the Green Goblin. Peter was still touched by the support he got. And Luke, too, of course.
Along with others in the crowd, Peter turned his attention to the man in the bubble.
The most hated man in New York, Dr. Thaddeus J. Silvana, stood inside a force bubble for protection from the inevitable tomatoes, rocks and bricks that were thrown. Although the assembly began at noon, it was a good forty-five minutes before the booing and catcalls died down.
Now that there was relative calm, Jameson flicked ashes off his cigar. "Well, what about it, Silvana? Found a way to get us home, Dorothy?"
Silvana's thick-framed glasses made his dark eyes look bigger, and he gave Jameson a pleading look.
"In the future, could we do this by video conference?"
"No!" Jameson said sharply. "Call it motivation. Besides, I wouldn't want to see your ugly mug on a great big screen in Times Square. Just like I don't like to see that Jabba fellow. Uck!"
"But it's almost like you're doing this just to vent your anger."
"No wonder you're a genius."
Although he had the same name as Captain Marvel's nemesis-
Harold clarifies. "That's D-C's Captain Marvel. Not Marvel's Captain Marvel."
"Shh!"
- Doctor Silvana had the creaky voice and timid demeanor of the Professor on "Futurama."
"My experiments in space-time transport shouldn't have done all this, I tell you."
On a giant Times Square screen, Jameson gestured for silence. Once the grumbling roar diminished a little, he spoke in a dismissive tone. "So in other words, no, you haven't found a way to get us home. Apparently you've been sitting around making lame excuses." Loud booing followed.
Meekly, Silvana raised his voice. "I'm telling you, someone or something interfered with the experiment, gave it a great big boost. An entire city transported an incredible distance? That is simply not possible!"
"Oh, but it is," Jameson said over the angry muttering. "Us standing here is the proof." With his cigar-free hand, he gestured for the crowd to quiet down. "We've heard your song-and-dance before. I'm not buying it. This is you! This is your fault!" The man with the black-stubble crew cut and white sideburns angrily chomped on his cigar. "Thanks to you, we're still stuck here on Ta-phooey-een."
"That's Tatooine," Peter Quill said calmly. Quill was respected throughout New York for helping everyday people against abuses by the Goblin stormtroopers.
"Ha!" Jameson pointed his cigar at Quill and his crew. "See there? Not only do you not get us out of here you bring us these guys. The Hoodlums of the Universe."
"We're the Guardians of the Galaxy," Quill said with the impatience that comes from exposure to J. Jonah Jameson.
"Hey, I'll pick the names here," Jameson said tartly. "And I say you're hoodlums."
"I am Groot."
"Pipe down there, tree-boy."
A patrol of Goblin stormtroopers flew overhead. An armed raccoon aimed his bazooka but Luke waved his hand and said, "Don't."
New York was a free neutral zone, and the Empire was always looking for an excuse to send in more troops. Of course, any Goblin stormtrooper unlucky enough to crash his glider on the streets of New York needed to run fast or face a severe beating. Hence, stormtroopers assigned to New York were those being punished for incompetence. The ones who failed to find the droids Vader was looking for found themselves on permanent patrol in New York.
Quill looked up and pointed. "With or without those guys, I'd rather not be in New York." He sighed. "But this is where the boss does business. So I guess we gotta put up with the rude, pushy people of New York."
As Quill complained about New York City and its fine citizens, loud murmurs behind him hinted at a riot. A few citizens closed in on him.
"I'm kidding," Quill said with a smile. "I love New York."
Lifting his chin, Jameson waved his cigar stub at Quill. "Whose name should I put on the obituary, bright boy?"
Quill looked mildly defiant as he drew himself to his full height. "They call me 'Starlord.'"
"That right? Pardon me, your majesty."
"No one calls him that." The green woman next to Quill, Gamora, sounded bored and mildly impatient.
The creature at her feet didn't hide his disgust as he waved his paws. "Give me a forest planet over this any day. And a fast speeder!"
Jameson flicked the last of his cigar away, causing the talking tree to yelp and reel back.
"I am Groot," he complained/protested/objected.
Jameson pointed to the creature then the scientist. "Is this you, Silvana? Did one of your little experiments create a talking raccoon?"
"Hey!" the creature shouted, waving one of his tiny paws. "That's Mister Rocket to you, pal! And change barbers!"
On a Times Square screen, something like a giant slug, one with large fish-like eyes, thrust his head forward and grunted in a rumbling voice. A man whose neck wrapped around his crown translated.
"Greetings, excellent esteemed ones of New York! The great Jabba invites your continued business."
As some in the crowd drew back, most had a reaction much like Quill's.
"Ick!" he said. "I really do not want to hang around New York."
"Maybe Han will assign us off world," Gamora said.
Quill glanced around. "I mean, there are some weirdos in New York. Am I right?"
"They are disgusting creatures," Rocket agreed.
"Not so loud, buddy," Quill muttered.
"Hey," Peter said. "I happen to like the people of New York."
A new commercial appeared on the giant screen.
"There's the boss man," Quill said.
"A bit more attractive than Jabba," Gamora said.
"Hello, everyone. I'm Han Solo, captain of Han Solo Incorporated."
As New Yorkers breathed a sigh of relief that Jabba was gone, Peter noted that Han looked a little stiff as he made his sales pitch. Nothing like the smooth fast-talking guy he saw when Han took him on a personal tour of the shipping plant. That place was like a Willy Wonka wonderland with Jawas in place of Oompa Loompas.
Yeah, Han was definitely one of the big three in New York now. There was Han, Jabba and Tony Stark.
Of course outside Tatooine there were other competitors.
Like Harry's dad and the Empire.
Luckily, Han had Greedo to protect him as well as the Guardians to run missions for him.
Peter turned his attention back to Jonah. Waving a new unlit cigar, Jonah bent down to talk to Rocket.
"Hope that isn't over your head, raccoon-boy."
Rocket growled. "I'll be dancing on top of your head in a second, buddy!"
"Easy, Rocket," Quill said. "The last thing we need, or our boss needs, is some scathing headline in the 'Daily Bugle.'"
Towering over Rocket was a bald shirtless man with slightly red skin. Jonah had to look up at him.
"What's the matter, big guy?" Jonah said in his usual taunting voice. "Bad case of sunburn? Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't go over your head."
At first, Red-Skin (real name Drax) blinked in confusion then he answered in a measured tone and stoic voice. "Nothing would go over my head. My reflexes are too fast. I would catch it."
"Try not to get mugged by a stormtrooper, Einstein."
Peggy whispers to Harold. "What about the part where Han is rich? Do you really think he'd hang out in a club, even his own club, to help Luke and Obi-Wan?"
"Yeah," Harold says. "He not only craves adventure he's looking for something bigger in his life. Now let's focus on the movie."
"No more talking!" the guy behind them hisses.
"Take it easy, dude," Raj says.
"Home sweet home," Peter remarked as he and Luke walked the alleys of the Mos Eisley section of New York. He gestured in the general direction of New York. "Still kind of weird to see Jawas in Times Square."
"Still kind of weird to see your 'Manhattan' in the middle of Tatooine," Luke said as he glanced back at the New York skyline.
"Weird how it fused so well with Mos Eisley," Peter said. "Also weird to see Jaws on the subway."
"And the occasional Sand Person," Luke said.
Peter shrugged. "Not even the weirdest person on the subway."
Red, blue and yellow neon greeted them at the door to Han's. Inside they found a frantic Leia and Lando.
"Han's been captured," Leia said.
"He's in the lair of Jabba the Hutt," Lando said. Next to him, Chewbacca roared his indignation as he clutched his crossbow weapon.
Luke wore his most serious look. "The Empire must be planning to experiment on him."
"That's what they did with Harry," Peter said. "And Jabba was involved with that, too."
Leia looked worried. "What do you think they'll do to Han?"
"Something a little worse than just putting him in carbonite, I'm guessing," Luke said. "They'll probably turn him into one of their super-agents, like the Green Goblin or Doctor Octopus."
"Or this Sandman I've been up against," Peter noted.
Luke nodded. "Another Empire agent created by Oscorp."
"Apparently, Jabba lured him in with the hope of money to help his sick daughter," Peter said.
"What's our best plan?" Leia asked.
"I say we bust in," Peter said. "We can take Jabba. We can take them all on."
Luke gave him a look. "Now I know how Obi-Wan felt when I wanted to do something reckless."
"Yeah?" Peter said. "I think Yoda said you were reckless, too. Yeah, I definitely heard him say that."
Luke ignored the remark as he crossed his arms. "If we're going to free Han, we need an approach that's a little more subtle."
"I'll need a disguise," Leia decided. "And maybe a voice-changer."
"I'll disguise myself, too. Be a guard or something," Lando said.
"Hold it," someone said.
The empty dimly lit club suddenly had a group of unusual visitors.
"It's you guys," Lando said. "The Ruffians of the Universe."
"We're the Guardians of the Galaxy," Quill said tersely. "And if Jabba's grabbed our boss, we want in on this."
In his own language, Greedo voiced his agreement, his green bulbous head bobbing slightly as he did.
So it was that Quill and Boba Fett flew around on their jet packs as they wrestled each other near Jabba's giant barge. Below them was the sarlac pit. Only Boba ended up inside the sarlac. There was a lot of loud yelping just before the sarlac swallowed him..
"Oh, yeah, this is much better," Peter said as he and Luke swung around on webs aboard Jabba's barge. While Peter swung into Jabba's henchmen, Luke used his lightsaber to deflect blaster shots and cut weapons.
Leia pointed the giant barge guns at the deck then she and Luke swung away to a smaller barge. Peter was already waiting with the others.
"Uh, hey, Leia," Peter said. "Nice outfit."
"Don't get fresh, Peter."
"We're all here," Han said. Next to him, Lando wore a guard uniform.
With the Guardians and Greedo aboard, Luke was practically hanging off the side as he spoke. "Let's get out of here. And don't forget the droids."
"Hey, guys," Peter said to Artoo and Threepio as he hung from the bottom of the barge.
"You'll never catch me swinging from one of those spider-webs," Threepio said in his slightly fretting tone of voice. He hung upside down as he said this. "Oh, my!"
As the small barge sailed away, Jabba's giant barge exploded behind them.
"That's one way to get rid of a competitor, I guess," Lando said with a smile.
Han looked back at the sarlac pit.
"Boba should have taken my offer," he murmured.
"Hey," Leia said gently as she tapped his shoulder. "Good to have you back, general. You all right?"
"Never better."
"What did they do to you?"
"They didn't really have time to do anything."
Rocket suddenly pointed. "What is this thing doing here?" he demanded.
Perched on the edge of the barge was Jabba's tiny pet Salacious Crumb, who looked a little like the Muppet Gonzo with a Mohawk.
"Yeah, what's with the little guy?" Quill asked.
"He helped me escape," Leia said. "He's coming with us."
Quill looked skeptical. "You always make friends with annoying little creatures?"
Smiling, Leia spread out her hands. "Look at the company I keep."
Rocket jumped up, fists clenched. "That's the obnoxious little monkey boy that made fun of me! Let me at him!"
Quill held him back. "Easy, Rocket. We need all the allies we can get."
Salacious responded with his mocking high-pitched laugh.
"What's the verdict, doc?" Peter asked as they were all gathered in sick bay.
"Han seems to be fine," the doctor said. "But keep in mind. Since we're usually on the run, we don't have the best medical equipment. We can't detect everything. And if he was exposed to something, it could remain inert for months, even years."
"That's how it was with Harry," Peter said.
With a solemn look, the doctor nodded. He had tufts of white hair and bushy white eyebrows. "Until we know for sure, I'm afraid Han can't go down to the Endor moon with you."
"It's all right," Peter said. "I can go."
"Oh, joy," Leia said.
"And Harry's cured of his Hobgoblin disease so he can go, too." Peter gave the princess an impish grin. "Come on, Leia. Who knows? You might need us. Especially with all these Empire agents running around. Like Sandman and who knows who else."
"All right," Leia said with a sigh. "But I'm taking Mary Jane with me, too."
"No problem," Peter said.
It was while they were down on the Endor moon as guests of the Ewoks that Leia turned to Luke.
"What's troubling you, Luke?"
He gave her a very serious look. "I have something very important to tell you."
Within minutes, the life of Leia Organa was dramatically changed. She learned that Luke was her brother, that Darth Vader was her father, and that like them she was someone strong with the Force. As her friend and brother went off to confront Vader, a bewildered Leia was left alone. Han was not there to comfort her; in fact, she had received news that Empire agents had taken him away. Fortunately, Leia did have other friends to comfort her: Peter, Harry and Mary Jane.
It was these three friends who dashed into the Emperor's throne room and found an unusual scene. The Emperor hung from the ceiling, his arms bound by webbing as he kicked his legs. The webbing over his mouth muffled what were certainly regal obscenities.
Down below the Emperor and quite close to the elevator, Luke helped Darth Vader to walk.
"What's going on here?" Harry asked.
Luke frowned slightly. "A better question might be: what are you doing here?"
"We were down on the Endor moon battling Sandman and Venom," Peter said.
"The Venom is back?"
Peter nodded. "He took over Eddie Brock."
"Sandman was the bigger problem," Harry said.
"We took 'em out, natch," Mary Jane said. She blew on her blaster then offered a dimpled smile.
"The Empire captured us and brought us here," Harry said.
"We got away, natch," MJ said, clucking her tongue.
"Thought we'd give you a hand. But..." Peter trailed off as he gave Luke a confused look.
Luke quickly explained. "The Emperor tried to kill me, and my father actually tried to stop it."
Mary Jane made a face. "Your father?"
"Yeah, he gets that a lot," Peter said.
"Darth Vader. Your father." Harry shook his head. "And I thought my father was bad."
"Apparently, mine has had a change of heart." Luke groaned slightly as he adjusted Vader's black-gloved hand on his shoulder.
"I know something about that," Harry said, glancing at Peter.
"We both do," Peter said.
"He's coming with us," Luke said firmly as he moved into the elevator. "And I suggest we not chat too much when there's a Death Star about to blow up and we're on it."
"Smart thinking," Harry said.
"Yeah," MJ said, biting her lip. "It did look like Leia was about to bring the shield down."
As the elevator moved, Vader spoke. "It is too late for me, my son. Go. Leave me."
"No, I've got to save you," Luke insisted gently.
"You already have, Luke. You already have..." As Vader trailed off, he sagged against Luke.
Peter wore a wide-eyed worried look. "Is he-?"
A groan from Vader, combined with the breathing noise, indicated he was not. Not yet anyway.
The elevator doors opened, and they found the Guardians running toward the Emperor's personal shuttle.
"We've planted the bombs," Quill reported. "Just in case Admiral Ackbar and Lando don't quite hit the target."
"It won't blow up the whole thing," Gamora said. "But any damage to a Death Star is a good thing."
"And an explosion is always good," Rocket said as he grinned and spread out his paws. "The bigger the better. Am I right?"
"I only wish I could throw around some more stormtroopers," Drax said.
"I am Groot."
"You said it, pal," Rocket said.
"Let's blow this popsicle stand," Quill said.
"Won't do any good," a voice said.
The high-pitched voice came from above them. They all looked up. It was the Green Goblin on his glider.
"You'll all be dead before the big bang!" he screeched.
With amazing swiftness, he threw nets over the Guardians, Harry, Peter and MJ. As the Goblin then flew toward him, Luke used his webbing to yank him off his glider.
Briefly, the Goblin lay on the ground and groaned. Then slowly he rose, laughing as he did. His mask whirred as ribbon-like sections of it moved aside, revealing the face underneath.
Luke stared at the familiar face.
"Han," he whispered.
"Hello, Luke," his friend said in a raspy distorted voice.
"You're the Green Goblin?"
A grinning Han stood in his green armor. "They've been injecting me for years. Captured by Jabba? That was just a ruse. Just like putting me in carbonite." He laughed boldly and loudly. "Remember that day on the bridge? Pesky New Yorkers. Give me the scum of Mos Eisley any day. Am I right?"
As Luke continued to stare, Han suddenly convulsed.
"Luke, help me," he pleaded in his own regular deep voice. "Don't let the Empire...don't let him take me again," he said in a slightly raspy voice. "I knew you could save me. You and Peter."
Luke's spider-sense went off big time like crazy, and he jumped up, avoiding the deadly blades of the glider. Instead, those blades went into the chest of Darth Vader as he dived in front of Han.
Mary Jane came up behind Han/the Goblin and used a taser, knocking him out. She touched the knife sheathed at her side. Briefly, Luke, still wide-eyed, noted the cuts in the net.
Quickly, he collected himself.
"We need to go," he said.
Soon they were all aboard the shuttle, including the unconscious Han and the corpse of Darth Vader. Groot not only quickly separated Vader and the glider, he used his powerful multiple limbs to quickly usher everyone aboard.
Understandably, Luke was in a great deal of shock. So much so he barely noticed when the Death Star exploded behind them. Mary Jane had to do the piloting.
"I don't get it," Luke murmured. "Why would the Empire do something so elaborate? And why now?"
"Simple," Harry said. "They're just following my father's philosophy."
"Attack the heart," Peter said.
Luke had a distant look in his eyes. "And when you least expect it apparently."
Later down below on the Endor moon, there was an odd juxtaposition.. Rebels danced with Ewoks and Ewoks danced with droids. Lando joyfully shook hands with Wedge Antilles, a heroic survivor of both Death Stars. Leia, of course, was nowhere to be found even as some loudly sang, "Han-ee Luk-ee-la, hey, hey!"
Near the festive scene, Luke watched the flames on his makeshift funeral pyre consume the armored figure of his father. He couldn't help thinking of Pete's words earlier in relation to Doctor Octopus: that the human spirit could overcome the Empire: its technology, its tricks and its use of force, whether technological or personal.
As Luke reflected, three glowing spirits appeared to him.
"Oh, hey," someone said.
Along with the glowing spirits, Pete, Harry and MJ entered the clearing. MJ wore a look of awe.
"Who are your, uh, glowing friends?" Harry asked.
Pete pointed as he identified them. "There's Yoda and Obi-Wan. And the other one must be..."
"My father," Luke said.
"I guess there's hope for all of us to turn back from evil," Harry said.
"Han did," Peter said.
"You and I did," Harry said.
The three glowing figures smiled and nodded as they faded away.
Luke turned to his corporeal friends.
"How's Han?"
It took Mary Jane a moment to speak. "The doctor's keeping him sedated until we can get an antidote to the Green Goblin gas."
"That means we have to break into Oscorp," Harry said with a rueful expression.
"Or maybe Han can overcome it on his own," Peter said. "If Ewoks can take on the Empire and win, I think a guy like Han can overcome a little Green Goblin gas."
Luke smiled. "I think you may be right, Pete." The Jedi glanced in the direction of the Ewoks and Rebels dancing around Artoo and Threepio. "Whatever we're going to do, we'll do it tomorrow. Tonight we celebrate what we have."
"Whoo hoo!" Peter shouted.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Originally, this was to be just Luke having experiences that paralleled those of Peter Parker.
But once I got the idea to transport New York City to Tatooine, the writing became a lot more fun, and as you can see, there are all kinds of possibilities.