Full Summary:
Sometimes, Thor wonders how he ended up in the dark place he often found himself in, some days spiraling in a rage, out of control, and numb to the world on others. He supposes it's the culmination of all the bad decisions he'd taken, all the times he acted without thinking - he supposes they've finally caught up with him and he's getting what he deserves. It isn't fair, but then again, when was his life ever fair?
And now, here he is again - the light of responsibility beaming down on him, the sun merciless in its radiance. He doesn't like it - doesn't like the sun at all. Thor would much rather stay in his dark place, thank you very much. But he might not have a choice.
In which Thor is given his final chance, and finally does it right. Canon-divergence.
Notes:
So, I watched Endgame a week ago, and I'm going to watch it again soon - and in the in-between, I've been reading a ton of Thor-centric works, because though I loved seeing him on screen again, it was just... lacking. How he was portrayed was as comedy relief, and I admit to laughing so I really don't have any ground to stand on to criticize, but my heart hurt so much for this much beloved hero. They showed him as a joke and a punchline, and though he got his own moments of glory despite where he's at, the darker parts are left for us to put together.
So... here I am, writing this. I don't have any personal experience with alcoholism or PTSD, nor have I ever been clinically diagnosed with depression, so please don't take this personal interpretation as an accurate depiction. Anyways, enough rambling.
In the days following the decimation, Thor thinks back, but he can't seem to remember what he'd done right after Thanos had snapped his fingers, nor the hours after that. He knows that he had raged, that he had swung Stormbreaker like a madman, that he'd called forth a storm that turned the ashes of their comrades into a thick sludge with the mud... but beyond that, he doesn't recall anything but the resounding 'snap' he'd been hearing in his ears since then.
(Loki's neck had also been snapped- but the sound was a crunch. Curious. He hears that too.)
Thanos's taunting words also floated around in his head. Sometimes the voice sounds smug, sometimes accusing, and sometimes Thor thinks it isn't the mad titan's voice at all,
'You should have gone for the head.'
The days that passed were also a blur, one stretching into the other, with the rise and fall of the moon (because the sun will never shine on him again) seemingly unreliable in telling him whether it has really been days or if it was just him. Thor admits it might just be because he isn't sleeping, but that's besides the point.
The only thing clear to him now is how different everyone is, which comes as no surprise to him.
He's not blind to how the midgardians are around him, and he can see it in their eyes- besides the pain that was ever present in every pair- there was also accusation and a weariness. He noticed it especially in his fellow avengers.
It was in the way the captain would look at him, him directly, when he said that they needed to find a way to make this right, or at least find a way to get a hold of Tony and the others. It's as if the man is asking him specifically, and Thor has failed yet again because he has no answers. (He doesn't know how to make this right, and he doesn't know if he can ever make this right even if he had a way. Stark and the others are probably gone too and it's his fault that they might never find out.)
It was in the way that Banner shut him out and seemed keen on disappearing whenever he tried to look for the man, despite being the only one Thor can talk to openly about what had happened - the only one who knows about Sakaar and Asgard and the Statesman. (Gone. Asgard, gone. His people, slaughtered.)
It was in the steel of Natasha's eyes and voice, curt with her answers and always with a sharp edge, her distance and her elusiveness reminding Thor of Loki's own when the silvertongue wished to make his displeasure known. (Loki. Gone. Forever.)
It was in the way that his newest comrade, the rabbit, would glare at the handle of Stormbreaker, no doubt judging Thor unworthy to wield the weapon that the tree had helped to forge with its own arm. (Gone too.)
Thor knew they blamed him, and how could they not? He blamed himself. He had the opportunity, and yet still, they lost.
Because he did not aim for the head.
Because he wanted to see whether he could instill the fear of death into Thanos's eyes as the titan had instilled them in Loki's.
(Bloodshot, wide with fear, with a plea he could not get past his crushed throat and red frothing lips.)
Because he, Thor Odinson - no, Thor, son of no one, had failed. Odin would be ashamed of him. He would not deem Thor his son. No son of Odin's would still be so naive, so stupid, so brash.
Never has the pain of failure hurt him as much as it did now, with the weight of an infinite number of deaths pressing on his shoulders.
Mother.
Father.
Asgard.
Heimdall.
Stark.
Everyone.
Loki. The worst of it all. How many times had he been the trigger for his brother's death? How many times did he bring his little brother to it's grasp and all but pushed him towards it?
And now, with no clear path forward, and no way to go back and undo his failure, Thor is lost. If he's being honest with himself though, he has been lost since… since he cannot remember. The only glaring difference now is that he is completely alone, and deservedly so.
Completely alone, and he doesn't know how or if there is a way to move past everything.
Still, he forces himself to help with the work in Wakanda- it's the only thing keeping him from spiraling into much darker thoughts. He helps in clearing the battlefield, in searching for their dead, in treating the wounded (though he isn't adept and would sooner bring harm than good, but he supposes their healer is taking pity on him) - if anyone were to bid him to polish their streets with his tongue, he would, lest it helps him pay for his transgressions against them.
(But he knows in his heart, no matter what he does, he will never be able to make up for his failure.)
When there is nothing left to be done, the avengers - what's left of them - return to their headquarters, and Thor rides the Quintjet with them, not trusting himself to get there without causing more problems.
(Incompetent. Pathetic.)
He can feel the judgement in the other avengers eyes as soon as he sits down, and Thor almost wants to call them out on it, to ask them to say it plainly, but he holds his tongue because he can't bear the thought of confrontation. Can't bear the thought of them affirming what he already knew. That the blame rests solely on his shoulders.
(Because he is to blame. Only him.)
So Thor holds in his grief, his wrath, his fear, his loneliness. He keeps his aimlessness, his insecurities, and all the other emotions roiling and warring inside of him and buried - and he can feel them eating him up. It's vast and empty, yet somehow, it feels like he's suffocating. It's as if he has the most unknown parts of the universe inside of him, and the most volatile ones as well, writhing and uncontrollable, seeking to destroy itself.
"Thor."
He snaps up at the mention of his name, and it's Steve who has called his attention, and Thor notices only now how miserably tired the man looks.
(Defeat is not a good look for him.)
"Captain?"
Steve tries to hide a wince,
"Can you… I mean… is there any way for you to look for Tony? I remember you mentioning someone who could find anyone anywhere as long as they don't hide- or anyone at all who can help- maybe some of your friends? Someone from your world?"
Silence.
"Thor?"
Thor can barely suppress his own grimace, his chest clenching painfully and his tenuous grip on his emotions thinning even more,
"I cannot, captain. I am truly sorry. Heimdall… he is… Heimdall is dead. I cannot see anywhere without his eyes," Thor manages to get out, and he hates how garbled his voice is, how much he mumbles. Mother would chide him, as would his brother. Another painful tug in his chest, and this one almost squeezes the breath out of him. "I don't… I don't know where the remnants of my people are."
And oh, the thought of being the last of his kind and the last of his kin, with no one to blame but himself.
"Oh," is all Steve can say as well. None of them know what to say. None of them know how to talk to each other in the wake of all their losses.
Their losses. Because of Thor's failure.
'You should have gone for the head.'
The rest of the ride is spent in silence, yet it's much, much too loud. Still, if any of them notices how dark the skies are or how the sound of thunder and storm follow them throughout the flight to the headquarters, they don't mention it.
(Snap.)
It's all Thor can hear in his ears, always ringing. All he can think about as he shuts himself in his own quarters after they land. Nobody stops him, nobody comes for him. Not for a few hours yet, anyways, not until his mind has twisted around itself in the silence.
(I promise you, brother, the sun will shine on us again.)
(Snap.)
(Loki's broken neck. His sightless eyes. His parted lips. Dead. Gone.)
(Snap.)
(The groan of metal as the Statesman came apart at the seams.)
(Snap.)
(Heimdall's last prayer to send the Hulk barreling back to Midgard, his last breath when Thanos stabs him in the heart.)
(Snap.)
(The screams of his people as they were slaughtered. The moans of his warriors as they lay dying. The pleading of women and children as they burned.)
(Snap)
(Chaos all around him. Death all around him.)
(Snap.)
(Millions, no, billions of lives all across the universe - all but ash.)
(Snap)
'You should have gone for the head.'
Thor doesn't know how much time he spends in his own company before they call for him, and they send Natasha. There must be something in his face, something Natasha must see that she hadn't before, because her eyes soften as they catch his.
"We've got something," she says, leaning against the door-frame. She looks better than she did on the jet, so Thor assumes perhaps all of them have had the time to at least try for a semblance of normalcy. All of them except himself, apparently, because even in that, he finds himself failing.
He doesn't want their pity, though, so he squares his shoulders and straightens his back, and speaks as though he's not panicking just by saying the name,
"Thanos?"
"No… not yet. But we got a signal from Tony, though we can't track the exact coordinates. Too weak."
Thor feels his false eye twitch, almost as if he'd been slapped, but no, Natasha didn't call him weak, she was talking about the signal.
(It's true though, he is weak. If he were strong, it wouldn't have come to this.)
So he nods and waits for her to leave, but she doesn't. Natasha's eyes on him feel unnerving, he could almost physically feel them carefully pulling at the fragile thread that's keeping him grounded, but she says nothing until he stands up and follows her out.
"How are you holding up? Feeling alright?"
The question comes as a surprise, and Thor takes a while to respond, wondering how much of his heart he should put on his sleeve. After a moment, he answers with a smile that must look strange as he repeats some of the words he'd told the rabbit not so long ago,
"Absolutely. Rage, vengeance, anger, loss, regret. I'm absolutely alright."
"Hold onto that. We might need it soon."
There is a new member in their odd group. She introduces herself as Carol Danvers and offers to scour the universe for signs of Tony after they explain to her what has happened, and he can already feel her judgement too, despite nobody telling her that Thor was /this/ close to preventing this mess.
'You should have gone for the head.'
Thor wants to offer her his help- he really does, he can summon the Bifrost now with Stormbreaker, after all, but his words get caught in his throat. He swallows the lump down, letting his gaze roam over those of them gathered instead.
There's Steve, Natasha, Bruce, and Rocket. Rhodey came back too, though he wasn't on the Quintjet, and Thor struggles to remember when they had met.
(Incompetent and selfish, he couldn't even remember. He should have spent more time with his friends - had he even the right to call himself their friend? Is that even how they saw him? Or was he just a nuisance?)
They discuss their next course of action, and Thor doesn't see why they called him down for this. They could have handled this on their own. They had been doing fine on their own since he'd left them years ago after Ultron. They fared better before he came back.
Before he came back with Thanos nipping at his heels. Before he came back and all but led the mad titan right to the stones. Before he got the ball rolling for the horror that was their reality now.
(How many more deaths did you cause across the universe as Thanos hounded your steps, besides those who went with the ash?)
(Too many.)
Thor feels like he might vomit, so he stands and leaves the room without a word, and they don't go after him. They don't need him. Nobody needs him.
(Better off without. They are better off without him.)
(Snap.)
'You should have gone for the head.'
It's another few days (weeks?) until they send Natasha to call him again. She looks frazzled this time around, and not a trace of the soft understanding is on her face,
"Tony's been found."
"That is good news."
Natasha shakes her head, "You need to get your ass outside."
And so Thor does, and Stark is there - severely dehydrated and weak from being stranded on Titan, of all places - and Thor learns that not only had Stark lost 'the kid', Thor didn't want to ask who it was, he learns too that Rocket's entire team fell, as well as the sorcerer he and Loki had met. What was his name? Strange?
That isn't the end of it either, they learn that Barton's entire family was also victim to the decimation, and the man himself could not be found. Natasha insisted he yet lived. Thor thinks they should have checked in with him sooner.
(It's his fault. That they couldn't find the man was probably his fault too. They should all know it now. He had failed.)
His failure, his pride, his need to inflict pain on the titan that he himself had faced - why did he always have to fail? Thor wonders if he was ever worthy of anything at all. Vaguely, he acknowledges that Stark had just asked something about him.
"He's mad. Thinks he failed, which he did, but there's a lot of that going around." Rocket says, and the open admission that the rabbit thinks he failed hurts more than he cares to admit, even though he expected it.
Thor tunes out to the rest of the conversation, which is little more than his comrades bickering and pointing fingers at each other, which he finds kind of funny since in the end he knows - he /knows/ that they'll inevitably point to him. The rabbit was only the first to openly admit this, but they'd all see it soon enough.
Stark collapses, and that ends whatever arguments they were having. They decide linger about as their newest ally once again offers to retrieve something that might help.
Thor wishes he could do that too, but he would only fail Tony if he tried.
He retreats again, in shame, and each time that he leaves and nobody bats an eye, he leaves a bit of himself in the room to shrivel up and die too.
They meet once more in the morning when Danvers returns with whatever it was she'd gotten for Tony.
Thor has been sitting at the dining table since he woke up from the fitful doze he'd unexpectedly fallen into earlier, but he doesn't know for how long he's been there, once again tangled in his head.
Steve had set a plate of food in front of him earlier, and he's been half-heartedly eating bits and pieces, though he isn't really hungry. He hasn't been in a while, and he hasn't needed sleep either, but exhaustion is slowly creeping up along his spine, so he gives minimum effort to care for himself just so he can still function.
In case they need him.
(Unlikely.)
When talk of Thanos is once again brought up, Danvers wants to go confront him. Steve agrees, and so does Natasha, but Banner isn't so sure.
Thor just sits idly as they continue to press the need to do right for everyone who had vanished.
'You should have gone for the head.'
(Snap.)
And just like that, the anger is back, because there's that blasted ringing in his ears from the mad titan's deed, there's the voice in his head that never leaves, and the bubble of something far uglier than his need for vengeance.
He wants blood. He wants to lob off that bastard's head.
Thor gets up, he feels taut with unreleased tension that he's surprised he's not lighting up, and stops in front of Danvers. He shoots his hand out to call for Stormbreaker, and the weapon must sense his bloodlust because it eagerly flies into his palm.
Danvers looks at him evenly, not giving away a single thing.
"I like this one," he tells them, and he hasn't spoken ever since Natasha had asked him how he was. His own voice sounds strange to him. He looks from Danvers to the rest, and they have all regained a look of determination in their eyes. Thor smiles, but it isn't a happy one.
"Let's go get this son of a bitch."
They arrive too late, much too late, and Thor wonders why he didn't just transport them to this place with Stormbreaker. Why hadn't he even thought of it until it was too late? Though it wouldn't have mattered if he did bring them here through the Bifrost, since the activity they had observed of the stones was from two days ago. Thor still blames himself.
(Always late. Always a failure. Not enough, not enough, not enough.)
He barely hears their conversation, the only thing his mind can seem to focus on right now is that voice - that voice that was in his head all the time, that taunted him at all hours and even plagued his dreams.
(Snap.)
The ringing fills his ears again and drowns out everyone else, everyone else but Thanos, and Thor's vision tunnels and sharpens at the same time, and his chest is filled with things he cannot put into words let alone explain.
He feels sick again.
Everything is trying to crawl out of his skin. His mouth feels numb and filled with sawdust, his tongue swollen. His head weighs like lead. His heart and lungs constrict and is filled with broken glass. His stomach is twisting and writing as though full of snakes a thousand strong. The blood beneath his skin feels like it's boiling, everything ablaze with the eternal flame they had used to summon Surtur. Surtur who razed Asgard to the ground, leaving them all on a vulnerable ship for Thanos to find and slaughter with ease.
Thanos, who erased half of all living things. Thanos, who drove Asgard into non-existence. Thanos, who murdered his little brother.
Thanos who is right there in front of him.
(Snap.)
'You should have gone for the head.'
(Snap.)
"I am… inevitable."
(Snap.)
He can't hear anything at this point, just the blasted ringing. He's in panic.
Thor doesn't feel himself move, he just does, and oh- his ax passes through Thanos's neck like melted butter. Effortless and just sliding, and there is a squelch of purple blood, and his ears are still ringing and he can't breathe.
The slight look of surprise in the mad titan's dead eyes makes him want to bring Stormbreaker down again and cleave the head in half. He wants to dismember limb from body and keep hacking until nothing is left but chunks and pieces. Wants to sever muscles and bones and organs, tear everything apart and leave the flesh to grow putrid, like how Thor himself feels, he wants-
"What… what did you do?"
A moment of temporary clarity, and Thor feels his lips moving, his voice without emotion,
(He has a voice?)
"I went for the head."
He leaves the suffocating confines of the small hut and the horrified stares and stunned silence of his comrades -
(Are they his comrades, though? Did they think him mad? Did they finally see how much of a failure he is?)
Rocket sounded mad. Natasha and Steve's eyes looked a curious mixture of complete horror and anger and defeat. He couldn't see Bruce inside the hulk-buster, but Thor knew his reaction was probably nothing good either. Thor doesn't care to look at Danvers.
As soon as he is outside and he feels the sun on his face, he completely loses it.
Because the sun should never shine upon him again, but he can't remember why, and he needs to, it's important.
(Snap.)
(Failure.)
(Fool.)
(Can you do nothing right?)
He can't breath, and Thor knows they will come after him and demand things of him once the shock wears off, accuse him, and berate him on how thoughtless he is. (And it's the truth. He's so /stupid/! They could have kept the titan prisoner and tortured him for answers or for vengeance or something-)
And Thor… Thor can't take anything else today- he can't /take it anymore/, so he doesn't give them the chance to break him some more and summons the Bifrost with Stormbreaker.
Where the weapon brings him isn't where he wants to be, but the others will take a while yet to get back home.
(Home? He has no home. This isn't his home. He is an intruder here.)
He bypasses those who try to talk to him, Rhodey and Lady Pepper and Stark, and heads straight for his quarters and barricades himself inside.
Thor paces, Stormbreaker had yet to be cleaned, but to Hel with the titan's blood, and his being, and everything else. To Hel with whatever was left, because Thor had sought to fix his mistake, to take off Thanos's bloody /head/ yet it fixed /nothing/. On the contrary, it made everything worse.
He was still enraged, still in grief and mourning, still empty and alone, and still a fucking failure. He'd thought to make things right and still- still- a failure.
(Not just a failure, but a fool many times over as well.)
Everything Thor did, the consequences of his actions always backfired and weighed against him tenfold, and the monster inside of him that's kept stealing his breath these past few weeks was at it again, but it's hunger is much stronger now than it had ever been.
(Would that it would rob him of breath and life and spare the rest of the cosmos from his existence.)
His vision is darkening at the edges. Thor spins around, trembling all over with a heat behind his natural eye, the telltale sign of tears (and isn't that just pathetic?) as his mind scrambles for something to focus on. He spots the ice box- fridge, his mind corrects, as though it /matters/- and he stumbles towards it and falls on his knees, yanking it open.
A stash of Asgardian mead is there from the last time he'd been here, but there is only so much left, and he will likely never be able to taste it again when this is gone because Asgard is gone too, but he finishes everything anyways.
(When had he left those here? When had that been? He wishes he could go back to that time.)
Midgardian brews did nothing for him, but they burned. Thor opened every bottle and downed each one to the last drop as well, relishing in the heat that passed his throat and settled in his gut, burning away at the tendrils that were squeezing his chest.
He downs a couple more until nothing is left, and the warmth fades to the cold and hollow emptiness again.
He gets up and throws bottle after bottle against the far wall and falls to his knees again once all that's left is shattered glass. Thor leans forward until his forehead touches the ground, shutting his eyes tight and covering his ears, but they don't block out the voices and the ringing. He needs to block everything out - but it doesn't make anything stop.
He just needs everything to stop.
There are new voices in his head now, those from his past as well as his present, and voices he doesn't even know. It's so much worse.
'You should have gone for the head.'
'What have you done?!'
'You idiot!'
'You don't think, brother! You never do!'
'You stubborn boy.'
'What were you trying to accomplish?!'
'Why are you being so difficult?'
'What the hell is wrong with you?!'
'Why? Why did you let me die!'
'Failure.'
'It's all your fault.'
"You ruin everything."
It takes him a moment to realize that the last one isn't in his head, but comes from his own mouth.
Author's Notes:
Have I mentioned how much I love Thor? And it isn't because he's hot (lies! kidding, though he is ridiculously attractive), but because though he's basically a god, his flaws are so, so human. I just really appreciate the struggle of an otherwise all-powerful being with redemption and doing the right thing and just trying to be a good person. It makes me feel okay about not being the best or all that, and makes me strive to be better.
Anyways, I'm writing this when I have spare time, so I don't know when the next chapter will be - also, it's been AGES since I've written anything, so my apologies if the tenses and grammar and whatnot are all out of whack! Many, many, many thanks if you took the time to read :)