A/N: Greetings everyone. Today, I give you a fic. Not just any fic, a fanfic. A parody ridden fanfic involving poor Zuko that is a parody.
Ok, since we have the fact that it's a parody involving Zuko out of the way, this needs an explanation.
I've seen many, MANY fics with Mary Sues, multi-benders, weirdbenders, and dumbness. So, to express my feelings in a kind way, I made this. I made this in peaceful protest against the fail.
Important: Tongku means Pain in Chinese. Pain in the ass is too long to look up, so I went with just pain. That is all.
Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar:TLA, shadowbenders, Chocolate Frogs, or any Mary Sues. After you read this fic, the made up Sue will be in the pound.
What I Do Own: The Fanfic idea which is in this fanfic, Rose Boy, and Zuko's unstable mental state.
What Is Being Pounded: Tongku the Mary Sue.
Zuko walked leisurely through the market place of a quiet Earth Kingdom coastal town. He was relieved not to have annoying advisors or snobby nobles breathing down his neck, as he was on a much needed vacation from his Fire Lord duties. The market was busy and full of average looking people doing average things, and not making it their set goal in life to annoy Zuko while he was on vacation. Zuko closed his eyes and inhaled a large breath of fresh, clean, and pure air. He opened his eyes again as he exhaled. He wandered over to a stand selling sweets and took in the scents. The Fire Lord looked and saw a collection of chocolate roses, and made a mental note to get some shipped to the love of his life, and girlfriend, Mai, whom he loved, and no other ditzy big-boob girl, or any girl for that matter, would come between them. Zuko thought of himself as loyal, kind, loving, and caring when it came to Mai. Also the thought and fact that he'd wake up with a knife in the throat or elsewhere frightened him immensely.
He noticed a boy around his age purchase a chocolate rose and run to a random servant girl who looked like she had her head soaked in lemon juice. Zuko raised his one and only eyebrow and shrugged the lemon girl off. He looked again at the chocolates and noticed the different shapes. He saw that next to the chocolate roses, were chocolate rose petals. Zuko made a mental note of chocolate rose petals on fruit tarts. He also wondered if the stand shipped long distances to the Fire Nation capital. Zuko noticed the same fellow from before grabbing a majority of the chocolate roses and rushing to the lemon girl.
Zuko tried to concentrate on the stand's Chocolate Frogs which looked like they'd escape from the package and start hopping away while croaking, until he heard a loud proclamation behind him. Zuko turned around in surprise and saw the lemon girl proclaiming something about love and destiny. The rose boy stood and stared while looking like Ozai killed his puppy and served it with fire flakes to Azula, when only he was getting rejected by lemon girl. Zuko kind of felt sorry for him, considering lemon girl dramatically rejected him rather loudly in the middle of a market place. He shrugged and turned back to the edible frogs and noticed one was missing. He raised his eyebrow and shrugged it off and purchased a normal piece of chocolate.
The young Fire Lord started to walk away from the stand and commotion between roses and lemons. He closed his eyes and felt the sun on his skin like any other firebender would do. He opened his eyes and suddenly rammed into another person by mistake. He got his bearings and looked down to see the person. To Zuko's surprise and slight dismay, he saw lemon girl on the ground in a stupor. Being the polite person he was Zuko offered her a hand to pull her up. She took his and pulled herself up. She looked up to him with big and somewhat freaky blue eyes. Zuko raised his eyebrow, apologized and began to walk away. She maneuvered in front of him and blocked his way. Zuko looked at her with a puzzled expression and tried to walk past her. Again, she blocked his way.
"Uh, do you need something?" Zuko pondered. The lemon girl was wasting his vacation time. He tried to side step her, but to no avail. Once again, she blocked his way.
She smiled up to him. "No." She answered.
Zuko again tried to walk past. Again, lemon girl blocked his way. "Then, I need to go." Zuko stated.
He quickly brushed past her and began to walk briskly away. Somehow lemon girl got in front of him, again. Zuko glared at the lemon headed annoyance that was ruining the only vacation that he'd get until somehow the world finally agreed on something. She walked closer to him until the hair on the top of her head started to try and make its way up Zuko's nose. Zuko took a large step backwards. She took a few steps forwards. Again, he stepped back and again she stepped forward. Before her hair was able to make way up his nose again, he stuck out his arm so it shoved her head back a bit, and backed away so they were an arm's length apart. She looked at him with a puzzled expression. She then saw the chocolate that was in his hand.
"For me?" She asked? Zuko tried to bring his arm, and the chocolate close to him. She grabbed the chocolate from his hand. "You shouldn't have!" Before Zuko's mind could register what happened, she grabbed him by the arm and started to escort him away from the market. Zuko looked to the side and saw rose boy from earlier glaring at him. Zuko's face was in a mix of fear and confusion.
She led him to a small apartment and shoved him inside. Zuko quickly regained his ability to walk freely and turned around, only to nearly run into lemon girl who just closed the door behind her. Zuko's face fell. She walked past him and began to open windows and curtains. The apartment was relatively the same size as his in Ba Sing Se's Lower Ring and had a similar layout. He began making plans and excuses to escape, as he dubbed it. She stared at Zuko and sighed. She plopped down on a mat and motioned for Zuko to sit next to her. The abducted Fire Lord looked at the girl and blinked. He plopped down where he was and sat stubbornly across from her. A pout made its way across her face and a scowl across his.
Zuko took a deep breath. He had questions that needed to be answered. Why was he here? Why did she abduct him? Why did she take his chocolate? Many important questions buzzed through the Fire Lord's mind. None of which he was able to ask. Instead he asked a different question. "Why'd you dunk your head in a barrel of lemon juice?" Not exactly what he wanted to ask, but it was a start.
The girl looked at him with a smile. "Oh silly, I didn't dunk my head in lemon juice. My hair is naturally the color of the sun. Mother said that I would marry a loving man with sun colored eyes." By this time, she was nose to nose with Zuko, who just noticed himself. Zuko ungracefully scooted backwards. She stared at him. "And, you have sun colored eyes and gave me chocolate."
"Correction, you took my chocolate." Zuko stated in a matter of fact tone. Again it wasn't what he wanted to say. He began to think that the girl radiated some strange aura of stupid.
"I'm Tongku." She started. "I guess because you're my future husband by the Spirits' will, I should tell you my secret."
Zuko was dumbfounded. It was like the outer reaches of the universe wanted to make his life horrible by trapping him with this stupid girl. He said nothing, afraid that the aura of stupid might cause him to say something ridiculous.
She looked up at him and continued. "Well, mother said I was a gift from the spirits, considering my sun colored hair." She paused. "And because I'm a gift from the spirits I have special abilities." She stood up and backed away. "I can bend all four of the elements." She paused. She made a gust of air with a swing of her arm. She took the water from a wash bin and put it in a flower vase. Tongku then rose and lowered the earth of her floor and finally held a flame in her hand.
Zuko stared blankly at Tongku. Last time he checked, only the Avatar, who was Aang, who was in the Southern Water Tribe with Katara, could bend more than one element. Surely the stupid was making him hallucinate. He rubbed his eyes and ears. He blinked not once, but twice.
She looked at him with an expression of sadness. "I also am a shadowbender." She did motions with her hands, and in fact the lighting and shadows did change. She continued. "Mother said that my husband would still love me even though my abilities."
Zuko stared. Nothing but a dull 'Uh.' came out of mouth. He quickly silenced himself. He was sure that the stupid emitting from the girl was messing with his vision. Or, he hoped.
Tongku sat down on the floor across from him. She began to speak again, much too poor Zuko's displeasure. "Well, when I was little the Fire Nation took my mother and killed her. My mother was sure I was safe and told me to keep my abilities a secret." She was quiet as tears began to fall. "Now I hate the Fire Nation, Fire Lord and all."
Zuko's eyes widened. He was Fire Nation. He was Fire Lord, the one and only Fire Lord minus Ozai, but he didn't count anymore. He had the crown tucked safely away in his robes. He began to think that he might have something going for him.
Lemon girl looked to him, hoping to find some sympathy. Unfortunately for her, Zuko's patience and possibly his mental state were wearing then. He preferred whiny nobles and generals over this crack pot any day. Suddenly there was a loud crash as the door flew between Zuko and Tongku and against the wall. There in the doorway was rose boy. Zuko used what was left of his deteriorating mental state to put things in order. He gave up after the mysterious disappearance of the Chocolate Frog, which compared to everything else, made sense. The stupid was taking its toll.
"You! How dare you steal away my precious Tongku!" Zuko was sure he saw rose petals falling gently behind rose boy.
Zuko stood up dumbly and rubbed his head. He looked from rose boy to Tongku. The stupid radiating from both of them was unbearable. "You said you hated the Fire Nation, right? Fire Lord and all?" What a stupid question he thought, soon after, a plan formulated in his mind. The stupid hasn't won the battle yet.
Tongku nodded eagerly, apparently excited to be addressed by Zuko. Rose boy walked valiantly into the room and spoke. "I hate the Fire Nation with the passion of all of Tongku's beautiful locks of hair! Each lock of her beautiful hair burns with the light of a thousand suns!"
Zuko stared blankly at the odd couple. The stupid was taking its final effect on him. He said nothing and began to walk to the doorway, completely forgetting why he asked and confirmed her hate of the Fire Nation and his family. He was almost to the door, to salvation when a slab of earth blocked the doorway. He looked back and saw Tongku in an earthbending stance. Zuko groaned in agony. Finally his plan rushed back to him. He grinned inwardly, sure his plan was mean, and sure it'll bite him in the blubber later, but he wasn't going to be stuck with these lunatics anymore. He walked up to the duo and rudely grabbed the red rose from rose boy's hand. He ignored the pain of the thorns, because freedom was worth every bit. He held it between his thumb and forefinger. Zuko took a breath and watched the rose burst into flames and shortly fall into a pile of ash on the floor. Soon after he began digging in his robes for his crown. He felt the cool touch of the metal and the tip of the crown. Resisting the urge to quickly thrust the sharpened hair piece into both of their jugulars and watch the blood spurt around ten feet, he took it out of his robes and shoved it into both of their faces.
"Fire Lord! I am the Fire Lord! The Lord. Of. Fire." He shouted proudly. "Son of Ozai, who tries to kill kids and destroy anything organic! Grandson of Azulon, who enjoyed depleting the Water Tribe of benders and laying siege to big, walled cities!" He took a breath and finished off loudly. "And lastly, great grandson to Sozin who reigned down genocide on the Air Nomads with a magical comet because his boyfriend dumped him and in a heartbroken rage left him in an exploding volcano to die!" By this time Zuko's hands were in the air pointing to his crown. "And I'm Fire Lord Zuko, bringer of peace and kindness to the world!" Zuko took a deep breath while his unscarred eye twitched uncontrollably.
Tongku and rose boy stared blankly at the temporarily mentally unstable and impaired Fire Lord. Silence fell on the room. "How are you going to get out if there's a wall of earth blocking the way?" Rose boy asked rather stupidly.
Zuko stared at them with a look of complete and utter shock. He took a deep breath and turned towards the rock wall. He closed his eyes and got into a firebending stance. He did the required circular motions with his arms and extended his right, and with a loud crack, lightning broke through the earth wall and slightly grazed the apartment across the street. "That's how!" He said victoriously.
Well knowing that he quite literally blew his cover into tiny bite-sized bits and quickly regaining his mental stability, Zuko booked it out of the strange village as quick as he could, crown in hand and in plain sight. Zuko ran to the nearest port that would take him home. Annoying advisors and snobby nobles were soon in his future. He missed it, but it could have been the remaining unstable mentality talking. Either way.