Author's Note: Part of a fic trade with nadeshikoshiraishi from tumblr.
His fingers fumbled with the thorned stem of a flower, pricking at his skin. Blood blossomed to the surface and while he winced, he continued to work tirelessly. That face of his was pinched in determination, teeth gritted.
"What are you making?" she asked, a hint of curiosity in her face. She had observed him from afar for some time before approaching. That voice of hers seemed ethereal – almost not entirely human. A look of confusion grazed his face as he peered up at her.
"A crown," he answered with a hint of embarrassment as he held it up. "It's for you."
Pleasantly surprised by that declaration, she extended her hand to accept the proferred item, only for her fingers to pass right through it. A look of horror crossed her face as she stared down at her hands, palms facing upward. Her skin was transluscent and surrounded by an eerie, otherworldly glow.
"I'll go take it to you now."
"Wait! What about your hands? Don't they hurt?"
Dusting the grass from his pants, he stood upright. And there was a sad smile on his face, eyes squinted shut. "It's okay. You wanted roses, right? So I got you roses."
"But I won't accept them," she protested with a hint of derision. "The only person I can see is Glen."
His brows arched slightly – not with surprise. It was some other kind of expression that she was entirely unable to read. "I know," he said with some measure of resignation. "It's okay, though. While you look at Glen, I will be the one looking at you."
"Isn't that painful?"
"If you're happy, then I think I can be happy, too."
Almost as soon as those words left his mouth, he started to move past her. She reached out a hand to stay him, but once again she was powerless – forced to watch him go. "Wait," she told him, "I don't want you to go."
"I have to go," he said. "I have to go, so I can see you."
There was a weight on her chest, and she could feel her throat constrict. It was a sensation akin to suffocating. Strange, since she was only a figment of his imagnation. A representation that he conjured up, that he talked to in order to ease his loneliness. She shouldn't have been able to feel anything. Her existence should have disappeared as quickly as it was created – with his whim.
But she lingered in that sunny field, amber rays glaring down on her. Yet her skin could not register the heat. All she could do was numbly sink to the ground, unable to cry even imagined tears. But che could feel it – his pain. The loneliness of chasing after someone who would never look back at him. And it left a dull ache in the center of her chest.
—
"Oh, Yu, I'm glad to see you here." She was feeling jittery, wringing her hands as he came up to her. There was a nervous smile that played across her lips as he reached up a hand to brush away a lose ebony tendril that had fallen into her eyes.
"You look beautiful."
A small giggle wriggled free, although it sounded a bit forced. Probably in light of the anxiety she was feeling. It was her wedding day, after all. And he had never seen her look more beautiful than she looked now, wrapped in white. The veil was, for the moment, pulled back. Her face was accentuated by make-up – playing up her natural beauty.
His hand lingered against her face. It was difficult to pull away, and ultimately, she was the one who drew back. She was always the one reminding him of that invisible line that stretched between them. His forehead creased as his arm dropped down. "Are you feeling nervous?" It seemed a bit redundant when it was already obvious.
"I shouldn't feel nervous. I don't know why, but my hands won't stop shaking. Is there something wrong with me? I feel like I should be prepared for this. We have been planning it for so long now. It just seems so natural – but I just..." Her voice trailed off and her chin dipped, a vulnerability in those dark eyes of hers.
How he longed to caress her cheek, to pull her into an embrace. Once he had dreamed of their lips meeting, but he knew that was an impossibility. His chest ached with longing while his lips moved in that lying smile he always gave her. "It's natural to feel nervous. I am certain Prince Glenn is feeling much the same."
"He doesn't seem to have any doubts," she argued.
"He has faith in you." As do I. Arguably, he had more faith in her than his cousin ever had. But mentioning that would do little to assuage the fear filtering in through her voice. His gaze shifted to the ground. "I should be returning soon, but I thought you might want some familiar company before the big moment."
Before he could turn and leave, a gloved hand shot out and caught him. Her fingers grazed his palm as she clutched at him with a hint of desperation in her eyes. "Everything is going to be okay, isn't it? I've made a good decision, haven't I?"
Those were painful questions to have to answer. It took a moment for him to find his voice. "Of course it will be fine. You made this decision with your heart, right? And you believe in Glenn. So believe in yourself, too, Nadeshiko."
Relief washed over her features and she gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "Of course, you're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Yu. I don't know what I would have done all these years without your support. You're the best friend I could ask for."
Those words were far more painful than she realized, and he quickly recoiled, giving an awkward smile at her questioning look. "I should get back to Prince Glenn." Before he turned his back, he reached up and pinched her cheek. "Please, don't forget to smile. You are the princess, after all. And you're a wonderful bride."
She batted his hand away with a laugh. "Alright, I got the message. No grumpy expressions in front of the cameras. Wouldn't want them to get the wrong impression."
That wasn't what he meant, but he did not open his lips to contest what she said. Instead, Yu turned his back and started out the door. The sound of his footsteps echoed hollowly off the walls of the small room. He felt like he was suffocating, overheated in his suit. Maybe it was his imagination.
"Wait, you can still go back. Tell me the truth!"
It was that phantom image of her that always followed him when he found his head filling with doubts. How cruel he was to himself – to conjure her image.
"There is nothing to tell," he found himself muttering quietly.
"But you lied to me. You don't really think everything will be okay, do you? You're worried about me. Prince Glenn and I – we come from different social classes. Don't you think there will be many difficulties that I'll have to face in the future? What will happen when I can't handle the weight that bears down on me? It will crush me. You know that!"
"Please... get out of my head."
There was a pleading look on that ethereal face, which shimmered under the hallway as it floated along beside him. And she outstretched her hand toward his, but as she was only an illusion created by him, it was impossible for her to actually touch him. "Please, Yu... I love you."
"Not the same way that I love you."
Seemingly stunned by that retort, she suddenly stopped in her tracks. And while he continued into the distance, she stared at his back. That gnawing emptiness that she felt in the center of her chest grew exponentially. A void that had only deepened throughout the passage of time. If she could have cried, she would have.
—
"How are you feeling?" His throat felt dry, scratchy. It was difficult to swallow.
Through hooded eyes, she struggled to gaze up at him from her position on the bed. Those glassy irises of hers seemed to stare into empty space as a smile finally broke across her chapped lips. "Oh, Yu, it's you. I think I'm feeling better." She was lying, he could tell. Her forehead always creased with lines of worry whenever she fibbed. It had been that way since they were children.
As he settled into the red cushioned chair that sat beside her bed, he took her hand in his. Her fingers felt bony, and her grip was weak as she squeezed. "Did the King visit you yesterday?"
There was a moment of hesitation and then she said, "I think he must be busy." She was making excuses for him again. Although there was no doubt in the back of Yu's mind, that Glenn would have been at her side if he could have. That was the problem to begin with, though. Yu couldn't fathom it. If being King of a country meant not being able to be at your loved one's side when they needed you the most, what good was it to be a ruler?
He should come anyways. That was what he wanted to say, but he swallowed back those words. "I'm sure he'll be by as soon as he can. He has been working feverishly well into the midnight hours to try to get to your side."
Tears welled up visibly in her eyes. "Really?"
"Yes. But you have to get better, for his sake." There was no response as she just smiled silently. Yu leaned across the edge of the mattress, outstretching a hand and settling his palm against her forehead. The pallor of her skin was deathly pale, beads of perspiration lining her brows. And he could tell that she had a fever again.
Yu would have been the last one to expect that Nadeshiko would turn out to have such a poor constitution. She had always been strong, always given the impression of being unstoppable, unbreakable. No wonder everyone was taken aback when she had suddenly taken ill. And while they all expected a quick recovery, her health only continued to fail.
No doubt it was a result of the continued pressure placed on her for her position. The expectations that came with the title of Queen were too heavy for someone, who had once been a "commoner," to bear. He had not wanted this fate for her. And while she struggled daily to learn the proper mannerisms and etiquette, she was also frequently invited to tiresome parties and social gatherings.
With a smile, Nadeshiko had forced herself through the tedious ceremonies and engaged in the gossip of the noblewomen. Unbeknownst to her, she was the target of their scorn and her confidence had taken a hit when she found herself the target of their animosity. Glenn had been unable to protect her from that. Glenn had been unable to protect her from anything.
"I heard Alan took over my duties for me."
"He visited you recently?"
"Every day," she said with a stifled laugh. It sounded more like a dry heave.
Yu combed back the ebony tendrils hanging in her face. Despite the condition of her body, she still looked beautiful to him. And though those lavender eyes seemed unfocused, staring off into the distance – looking through him rather than at him – he felt comforted by them.
"Yu?"
"Yes?"
"I'm tired. I think I'm going to..."
"Get some rest. You need it." He smiled at her, stroking the top of her head. "I'll be with you until you fall asleep." His other hand still held a firm grip on hers, and he could feel her squeeze – a sign of her gratitude as those eyelids folded gently shut.
"I'm not going to get better, am I?"
He lifted his gaze. It was his imaginary image of Nadeshiko, standing across from him on the other side of the bed. The phantom was gazing down languidly, and contrary to her counterpart that was tucked under the duvet, she still had a lively color to her cheeks.
Yu thought to respond, as though she was an actual person. But, he reminded himself, it was only a figment of his imagination. His jaw clenched as he returned his gaze to the sleeping Nadeshiko. He could see the gradual rise and fall of her chest that indicated she had already slipped into unconsciousness. He stepped away from her, pulling his hand from her weak grasp.
"If you leave, will I be alone again? I'm always alone. Nobody visits me but you." That was a contradiction. The real Nadeshiko had already stated that Alan visited her frequently. His inner voice was just tormenting him again.
Rather than afford an answer to a ghost that didn't exist, he strolled to the door and quietly departed. Watching him go, she felt the hole in her chest grow an inch wider. More and more – she felt empty. An emptiness that reflected his.
—
It was cold – and he felt something wet on the tip of his nose. The sky was clouded over, gray clouds impending above. Yu regarded them plaintively, his gaze returning to rest on the coffin that was being lowered into the half-frozen ground. His exposed hands felt a tingling numbness – the cold caress of the wind.
Beside him was that ghostly image, quietly peering over at him. No more torturous words. Perhaps it was because the real Nadeshiko, whom he had mirrored her after in his mind, would also never speak again. That was a bitter reminder that left him struggling to swallow.
The King stood in front of him, crying quietly, a silent sob wracking him as he sunk to his knees. Yu remained standing faithfully behind Glenn, his face impassive. He was simultaneously the one with the most, and the least, reasons to shed a single tear.
Almost as soon as the ceremony was done, he disappeared amongst the crowd of people that huddled around Glenn to give him their condolences. Yu slipped off, finding shade underneath a willow tree in the corner of the cemetery. Flowers were growing at the fringes of the premises, carefully tended to by diligent gardeners. Yu granted them only a passing glance of disdain.
He felt incredibly hollow as he settled down on the grass, leaning his back against the rough, twisted bark of the tree. He could already see rain sprinkling down gradually on the crowd of black figures in the distance. Umbrellas were being pulled out and already some were retreating back to their limousines.
His lashes fluttered as he shut his eyes, taking a deep inhale. The air was crisp, fresh. But he still felt suffocated.
"Don't worry," a familiar and yet eerie voice called out to him. "I won't leave you alone. You were always by my side. I can't abandon you now."
That was a lie. She had already left him. And that was nothing unusual – she was always leaving him behind, always one step ahead, always where his outstretched hand could never quite reach her.
His eyes cracked open. Her visage was almost blinding. He could feel his heart beat back to life as he saw her, mirage that she was. And he felt the temptation to reach up, to brush his hand over her cheek, to feel her warmth again. But he knew better.
"Are you sad?"
That was a loaded question. How was he supposed to answer? He averted his eyes, looking past her and at the crowd of people slowly filing away from Nadeshiko's graveside.
"It's okay to cry."
"Crying won't bring you back."
"Do you regret it? Would you change anything if you could go back?"
Again he was tormenting himself by lamenting the past, ruing the decisions that he had made. Decisions that, if he could go back and change, he thought that maybe he would. But what ifs were pointless when everything was said and done. He could change nothing.
"Maybe it would have been better if we had never met."
No, that was wrong. He was glad they had met. If there was one image that time would never wear away from his mind, it would be that smile. The happiness, the laughter that burst out whenever she was talking with Glenn, when she was engaged in a game with Alan. He remembered it distinctly.
All of a sudden her arms outstretched, blocking his vision – although her skin was semi-transparent. "Won't you hold me?"
"You're not real."
"I may not be real, but being with me can still give you good dreams, right? Close your eyes. I'll be the one to hold you this time while you go to sleep. Don't think about what's happening now. Let me shoulder the burden for once, Yu."
Those were words he wished had come from her mouth. Not the shadow of her, formed by his warped interpretation of her personality. But despite knowing the futility of it all, he obediently closed his eyes and waited – waited for sleep to claim him.
—
Blood bubbled to the surface, moments after he pricked his finger. There was a visible wince as he retracted his hand, dropping the rose crown that he had been meticulously constructing. And while he popped his index finger into his mouth, he turned to the sound of approaching footsteps.
"Hey, Yu! What are you doing all the way out here? I was looking everywhere for—is that blood?!" There was a look of abject horror on her face as she suddenly reached up, jerking his hand away from his mouth. Tears welled up in her eyes. "You idiot, how could you get hurt?! Hurry up, let's go back to the house."
"But, I was building you a—"
"You're more important to me than that," she argued.
His brows peaked in surprise at that, and he found himself dragged along at a jerky pace as she sauntered through the field of wild flowers. A smile teased at the edges of his lips. "What about Glenn?" he asked with some hesitation. "I thought you were playing together?"
"Yeah, but I missed you. It's not fun if you're not around." A subtle blush had crept onto her cheeks. "It's just not the same without you..."
Those were not words that he ever thought he would hear from her. And he felt a growing warmth in his heart as he squeezed her hand tightly.
"You have to be more careful in the future, okay?" she choked out, tears steadily streaming down her face. "I never want to see you get hurt!"
"Okay, I'll be more careful."
They slowed as they approached the house. And the moment the soles of her shoes hit the cement, she stopped suddenly. Yu nearly hurtled right into her back, shocked at the sudden pause in movement. He was even more shocked when she abruptly turned toward him, her cheeks flaring an even darker color red.
"I-I have something... I want to say."
"Is something wrong, Nadeshiko? You didn't hurt your ankle while we were running?"
"I'm not that clumsy," she grumbled, expression soured. "I wanted to tell you that I... I really like you. I love you. So you can't go off on your own without me from now on, okay?"
I love you. That was not something he had ever even hoped to hear from her. This had to be a dream. He suddenly reached out to pinch himself, somewhat afraid that doing so might shatter the image of her flushed face in front him. But he winced from the pain, and startled, looked into her eyes.
"S-say something... this is embarrassing."
"O-oh... well, I... I love you, too. I've always loved you."
Those words having been spoken, she suddenly threw her arms around him. He could feel her warmth – and her scent flooded his nose. It was like cinnamon and spice. And it tickled his senses as he wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling her neck. Her hair brushed against his closed eyelids.
"Yu..."
"Yes?" he breathed the word out against her neck. But that voice didn't quite sound like hers. It seemed more... distance. More... masculine.
"Yu?"
"What is it?" He pulled back to look at her face but she just stared at him innocently.
"Yu, wake up."
He jolted upright, nearly knocking his forehead into someone else's—that someone being Glenn, he belatedly realized. And immediately he sank back against the tree that had been propped up against for some time. "Your Majesty—forgive my rudeness." Those words were steeped in bitterness, though he wasn't sure that Glenn could tell as much.
"I'm ready to return," Glenn told him, wearing a dour expression. "To the castle, that is."
Of course he was. To go back to work. Back to signing papers, to granting nobles an audience so they could air their petty grievances. The same "work" that had kept him from being by Nadeshiko's side when she had needed him.
The taste of bile rolled across his tongue. And while Glenn suddenly outstretched a hand, as though to help him up, Yu ignored it as he straightened himself. He knew his position—knew better than to pretend any kindness from the royal family amounted to anything. "Very well," he said curtly. Their shoulders nearly grazed as he brushed past, steadily making his way down the slight incline of the hill.
The rain pelted him, but he hardly noticed. Reality had brutally torn him out of the only dream he had, for even a moment, allowed himself to believe was real. But the truth was a bitter pill. Even if he didn't want to swallow it, he saw it – etched in the grave marker that he passed on the way to the limousine.
He paused, if only for a moment, to stare at it.
"Don't loiter," her voice told him. Without looking back, he was sure it was that phantom image standing behind him. "Please keep moving forward. And don't look back. You don't have to wait for me anymore. I'll be the one waiting for you this time."
Tears prickled at the corner of his eyes, and try as he might to desperately swallow them back, the dam had broke and he felt his shoulders tremble as they came streaming down his face – mingling with the water draining from his rain-soaked hair. He was finally crying.