A/N: Hi, my name is the Witch King of Angmar. Great name, I know. Do I have another? Nope. Sometimes I wonder, why couldn't I be called something short and to the point...like Bob, or Tom, or even something like Boromir? As it is, I always go by my title. Oh well.

You may be wondering why I'm not dead. Well, actually, that's why I'm here. No, I mean, okay. Of course I'm here if I'm not dead; what I mean is, I'm here (and, yes, I should be here, so cut it out) to tell you that (okay, prepare yourselves) Tolkien got it wrong! Yes, he did. Really.

Let me explain: #1 Eowyn didn't stab me. Merry did, the little brute, but he paid dearly for his folly, so that's okay. #2 I didn't die. Honestly! I didn't! (Can't you tell?) #3 Well, you know. There were a number of little details Tolkien changed around, which I will relate during the course of this narrative. Which reminds me, I should go ahead and get on with it. But first, let me make a few things clear.

First, I'm not saying that the Lord of the Rings isn't a great book. It is! It's awesome! I mean, hey! I get to die in it...how cool is that, dude? Sometimes, when I read that part, I almost wish I had died. Almost.

Second, I don't own the Lord of the Rings or any of the characters in it, besides myself. (Btw, I think it was really rude of Tolkien not to ask my permission before putting me in and saying lots of bad stuff about me. Eowyn says it's because he thought I was dead, but even if that were the case, he should have at least asked my estate!)

Okay, so anyways, here it is.

The Witch King of Angmar

My day had been going well. I had succeeded in breaking Gandalf's staff and proving I was more powerful than he was (a high point in my career) and was just about to finish him off for good and all. Looking back, I should have gone ahead and done it and taken care of Theoden later...the elephants had him under control anyways...but, hey! You can't think of everything!

I was so annoyed when I saw the Rohirrim riding down upon my army that I flew away without thinking it through properly. Theoden was just too tempting. I detest that guy; he always ruins...or ruined...everything (but don't tell Eowyn I said so).

Anyhow, I descended upon him and successfully made him my prey. I was just about to kill him when out of nowhere, a little Rohirrim dude with a fruity voice popped up and chopped the head off my pet dragon!

"I will kill you if you touch him!" he said. (The Rohirrim, not the dragon.)

The nerve! I could have told him the same thing about my dragon, had he given me the chance. As it was, all I said was "You fool! No man, woman, elf, dwarf, hobbit, or anything else can kill me!"

Almost immediately, someone stabbed me in the back...such a cowardly thing to do!* It was Merry, that puny little hobbit from the Shire. The foolish creature hadn't realized that such an act would hurt him far more than it hurt me, and immediately doubled up in pain. The Rohirrim didn't notice.

"Wait a minute!" he said. "I thought it was just no man!"

"Whoever wrote down the prophecy left out the last part," I replied, smirking. I had already recovered from being stabbed.

"Aww man!" he said. "But I had my line picked out and everything! I'm gonna use it anyways!"

I was curious. "By all means!" I said gallantly.

"I am no man!" he...or she, as it really was, said. She pulled off her helmet and all her hair fell out. (Out of her helmet, not out of her head.)

My first thought, on seeing the yards of blonde hair and makeup, was that it was an elf. Then I realized that she was a girl...and a singularly pretty one at that.

"Hey!" I said. "You're kind of cute!"

"Really?" she asked. "I don't think I'll stab you after all." Just goes to show what a compliment can do.

"There really wouldn't be much of a point," I agreed. "It wouldn't kill me...or even hurt me very much."

"Oh well," she said, putting away her sword. "So much for that."

I looked around at the battle. It was fairly obvious we were losing. (Not that it mattered much, anyways.) And, by this time, Gandalf was probably long gone.

"Hey," I said, "what's your name?"

"Eowyn."

"You doing anything tonight?"

She shrugged. "I didn't have any plans."

"There's this cool place just around the corner where they sell the best pizza...orc style.** Want to go?"

"Okay."

We're going steady right now. As for everyone else, Theoden died on the battle field. Merry died later on from the wounds he got from stabbing me (serves him right). Aragorn couldn't save him which proved he wasn't the true king of Gondor, so he didn't get the throne. He's really upset right now because Elrond won't let Arwen marry a common ranger and Eowyn won't even look at him. Eowyn is really glad she didn't get herself stuck marrying him...she only wanted to in the first place cause she wanted to marry a king. Faramir was never even an option. She still can't believe Tolkien said she married him. She was really mad when the book came out. She says she can understand why he wouldn't want to say that she's dating a Nazgul, but Faramir is hardly an improvement. I heard he's actually dating a she-haradrim-surfer-dudette-girl, but I'm not sure. I never go to Gondor anymore. As for Gandalf, I think he sailed off into the sunset some time ago.

Anyways, all's well that ends well.

*Publisher's Note: The Witch King neglects to inform us he was holding the Rohirrim up by his throat at this point.

**Pizza was very popular among orcs, as well as with practically everyone in Mordor. For more information, see 'Sailing Moon' and 'Lego Lord of the Rings-Nintendo Wii'.

Publisher's Note: The sentiments presented in this narrative are solely those of the author (the Witch King of Angmar) and are not necessarily held by the publisher (OneSizeFitsAll).