Heaven and Hell

by Errie-chan

This life had been a nightmare until Reita finally released me and let me live on my own. Until then, my life wasn't the best but now it's more than that, it's a heaven on Earth and it was all thanks to the older man who was now in this room. GazettE

Name: Heaven and Hell
Genre(s): Romance, Hurt, Drama
Length: OneShot
Status: Finished
Characters: Ruki (GazettE), Reita (GazettE), Aoi (GazettE), Uruha (GazettE), Kai (GazettE)
Couples: RukiXReita, RukiXAoi, ReitaXUruha
Current rating and warnings: rated: T, mentions of illness, mild cursing, mentions of suicides
Full Summary: This life had been a nightmare until Reita finally released me and let me live on my own. Until then, my life wasn't the best but now it's more than that, it's a heaven on Earth and it was all thanks to the older man who was now in this room.
Disclaimer: I do not own the GazettE nor their company. I only own the imagination to create and write down the story. Nothing less, nothing more.

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.:.:.:.

I ran off the stage holding a hand over my eyes and leaving a small hole to see the way. But still, I saw it all blurry. My eyes hurt like hell the past few weeks but none of this was serious to me. Until I could not take it anymore.

I heard Reita and Kai shouting my name far behind me. The truth was that I had no idea where I was running to, I had no particular destination. I just kept running, avoiding all the objectives and pushing doors.

"Ruki!"

The voices very closer now and it was only because I had slowed down my steps. I stopped. A cold breeze cut my cheeks and my hands. Where was I? I looked around. Lights, bright lights coming from a big building that I could not see well. It was the building where our live was taking place. And I was outside? How...?

"What the heck are you doing?" I heard Reita's angry voice.

"Ruki? Are you alright?" That was Kai's concerned voice, almost like a mother talking to her injured child.

"Why are your eyes red?" Kai's worried voice again.

"How can you see it? It's night." I said quietly, confused. I knew my eyes had been red but I still kept my contacts on, they hid it. But that pain could not disappear. It made me want to rip my eyes out.

"It's only late afternoon." Reita said and then I heard the both of them gasp.

What did they see? I turned to see behind me but there was darkness compared to where Reita and Kai were standing. I looked back at them.

"How are you feeling?" Kai asked again, worried.

"F-Fine." I hated lieing and I wasn't the best at it, too.

"Ask Aoi to get him to the hospital."

I waited for Reita to disagree with Kai's order, saying that he would get me to the hospital himself but... I heard footsteps disappearing ahead of me. I thought I could rely on Reita...

.:.:.:.

"How are you?" Aoi asked me. I heard his voice opposite of me, a little far. I could see him blurry... but at least I could. He was sitting on a chair that was against a wall on the other side of the hospital's white corridor.

"Ok." I didn't know if this word would describe my pain or how I felt but... I believed it did.

I blinked a few times trying to clean my eyes in the hope that I would not see anything blurry anymore. But, it was always the same...

Then, the lights went out.

"A-Aoi..?" my voice trembled in my try of talking. "W-Where are you?" I asked stretching out my hands. I was afraid of dark, I always did. It was something all of my band-mates knew about.

"I'm right here, Ruki." Aoi said and I heard a sigh. "Don't act like you can not see me." It was the 'don't mess with nonsense at a time like this' tone of his.

"B-But the lights went out..." I said trying to keep my voice from breaking, my hands still moving around me, stretched in an attend to find my fellow friend.

"The lights did not go out." Aoi said and I heard him rush to me. My hands fell on his waist. I looked up like I would do to see him.

"You can't see?" Aoi's panicked voice. It brought me the same feeling.

"N-No.." Tears started gathering in front of my eyes. If I could see, this would be the time when my eyesight should be blurry.

I could feel no Aoi with my hands. "A-Aoi?" I asked scared and turned my head around like I would be able to spot him. But I could hear no Aoi. No anyone. Did he just leave me..?

.:.:.:.

Tears fell from my eyes. I could not believe it. I was in Aoi's arms, crying like a small kid. But I didn't mind it.

Aoi tried to calm me down by whispering words like 'Everything is going to be fine' and 'It doesn't mean anything, it's ok'. Those and more words I would prefer to hear from Reita's mouth with Reita's harsh tone while Reita's strong arms were around me, rocking me back and forth. But he wasn't here and in Reita's place was Aoi.

But I didn't mind as long as Aoi kept me warm.

"I'm sorry about this. It is very advanced and it's too late now. I'm sorry." I heard the doctor apologize.

I didn't blame him. Nor Aoi for getting me here late. Nor Reita for not holding my hand in a situation like this. I blame no one. No, I did blame someone and that someone was me. If only I did not put work over myself and my health, I might have come here earlier and might have done the surgery.

But it was late and everything was over now. I would never see the sun's light ever again. I would stay in the darkness for the rest of my life... The one thing I was afraid of most would hunt me everyday for the rest of my who knows how many years...

I had lost my eyesight forever because of those damn eye lenses...

.:.:.:.

I heard the door slam behind me. "What are you doing in there?" Aoi's angry voice. I turned my head to the door direction out of plain reaction.

"N-Nothing!" I answered- my voice cracking, again... I could not tell anyone about this or they would try and stop me- and I didn't want that..

I heard the door handle shaking, making a sound like almost breaking. "Get out here right now! I will break the door, I'm not kidding!" Aoi kept shouting from the outside of the bathroom. I had been locked in here for what seemed to be an hour- if it wasn't already an hour.

Before I could answer, I heard the door falling on the bathroom's ground, making a loud noise. Wind from the fall traveled up to me. I froze.

"What are you holding?" Aoi grabbed the sharp thing I had been holding in my right hand. I felt a cold grib around my left arm and then cold fingers pulling up my blouse's sleeve only to revive my several cuts, all on my wrist's sensitive skin. I heard Aoi gasp.

Tears started falling from my eyes. And then, plainly, Aoi wrapped his arms around me holding me tightly against his chest. I buried my face in his neck, letting my tears fall on his neck and slide down to his chest and dirty his shirt.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I heard Aoi whispering, his heart was raising like crazy. It was probably from his worry.

I did not answer. I just closed my eyes tightly and stayed in Aoi's arms.

.:.:.:.

"Where have you been?" I asked him quietly, not wanting to seem like I wanted an argument. But I knew he would start one no matter what.

"Why should I tell you?" I heard the voice fainting in the background as he walked past me.

I touched the wall with my right hand and fallowed him. "I was just asking..." I kept my calm and innocent tone. But it was true, the last thing I wanted now was to argue with Reita about nonsense.

"Don't ask me about things that have nothing to do with you!" Reita was obviously mad. But at me? The most innocent he could find around? Why me...?

Things that have nothing to do with me...? Weren't we something more than friends? Weren't we lovers for the last 5 years? Weren't we in love? Weren't we planing about our future? Together? About our future? Those little words hurt me, stabbing my heart.

"I-I'm sorry..." I whispered stopping my walk but kept my hand on the wall. Why were he attacking me? What did I do? Did he find out about Aoi and me? Wait, there was nothing between me and Aoi. I loved Reita. Always did and always will. But he just did it so hard that it made me regret loving him that much.

I heard a distant sigh. Yeah, that was the word. 'Distant'. That was what Reita had become to me. He never was with me. No nights or days were spent with only the two of us. We could only meet up when the band had to go to the studio, and then, he would mostly talk to Uruha than me. Uruha? What did he had to do with Reita?

Aoi was closer to me. We would go to places together. He gave me all the fun Reita could have. But whatever Aoi did, I still thought of Reita being in his place. It made me want to sob, but I wouldn't. Aoi had promised me that he would do anything to keep me in life. Ironic. Reita should have said those words, not Aoi. But as it seems, Reita was too busy with his Uruha.

No, I wasn't jealous. But when I heard Uruha and Reita laughing when they were talking, happy-go-lucky, it hurt deep inside. I hoped that once, only once, Reita would look at me and tell me one of his ridiculous jokes only to make me feel better and smile. But as much as I hoped for that moment, no Reita would approach and do such a thing. Only Aoi would share with me funny stories, making me laugh. Aoi would-

"I don't want to see you anymore." Reita's sentence stopped my thoughts and broke my heart. Was he serious? I wanted so much to see his face now, only to check that he wasn't joking or testing my stamina or strength. To know that it wasn't one of his sick pranks like he used to play with me.

"A-Are you... s-serious...?" I managed to say despite my voice breaking and my tears almost falling. It was hard to breath, my heart had just been ripped to pieces.

"Yes."

"W-Why..?" I heard my voice panicking. "What did I do? What did I do wrong? Please tell me!" I ended up begging for his words.

"I just don't like you anymore. I don't live you, Ruki."

Those words... My heart ached, my mind started being dizzy... Tears falling from my eyes nonstop.

"Get out now."

Before I knew it, he ordered me to get out from his house like a stray cat. He didn't even give me the chance to ask why?

"Why d-"

"Leave!"

Was that... regret in his voice..? Was it... disappointment? Was it sadness? Was there any sadness in him..?

I turned around, I walked to the door biting my lips so I wouldn't scream nor sob. I swear I tasted blood from my lips but I didn't mind the rusty taste on my tongue. I opened the door, wind blew in my face and my whole body, raindrops cut me like needles everywhere. It was raining and I had to walk home... Irony... Oh, sweet irony...

I closed the door behind me, taking the first step to a destination that would lead me away from my lover, away from my future and with no hope... I felt weak and useless as the rain washed me in my way back home... a home... I had a home..?

.:.:.:.

I woke up. I felt something comfortable underneath me. I felt it with my hands. Thick blanket... sheets... bed... Where was I? I sat up, something fell on my lap. I touched it. A small wet towel? What the fuck? What was all this? I was so confused.

"H-Hello?" I asked, my voice seemed hard to get out, my throat felt so dry and it hurt. I turned my head around to see if I could hear any sounds from different angles of the room.

"Good morning." A familiar voice walked to me. I felt a warm aura around the person, making my lips form a smile almost as an automatic reaction. I felt the bed move.

I stretched out my hands and when I found his body, I jumped on him, hugging him tightly. "Aoi!" I shouted excited. At least someone did take care after me. Tears started falling from my eyes.

I felt Aoi's hands around my waist and then a soft kiss on the top of my head. "You finally woke up." It was Aoi's glad voice.

"How much had I been sleeping? Sorry foe any troubles, if I caused you." I asked and automatically apologized.

"You had been sleeping for almost one and a half weeks. And don't worry, you did not cause any troubles." I heard Aoi's soft chuckle. It made me smile. "You should eat." he said.

I nodded and pulled away from our tight hug. I covered my mouth with a hand and couched.

"Don't worry, you have a cold but it's already getting better." Aoi calmed me down.

That explained my throat... "Oh... I guess it was because I was walking in the rain... That reminds me, how did you found me?" I asked. I was just curious.

"Someone found you lieing on the ground on the pavement fainted and called an ambulance. Then, we and our manager were informed."

We... Did Reita belonged to that we or not...? Or was it everyone except him...? But still, I didn't believe he would do anything, he... didn't love me... he didn't care about me...

I felt tears raising to my eyes.. again. I wanted to bury my face in Aoi's arms and cry quietly but I had to look brave. Not be, look.

.:.:.:.

"Goddammit, Ruki!" a familiar voice yelled at me andyet, I had no words to shout back. "Get down from there! It's dangerous!"

I knew already it was dangerous. It was one of the reasons I came here. I hold tightly on the silver bar and moved the tips of my feet to the air while standing on the short silver wall. I couldn't bear my life nor how it turned out. And I don't believe anyone would cry for me if I was gone.

Cold wind blew through my wet hair giving me a chill. Rain drops kept watering me even if I was already seeping from it. My heart started beating faster and faster in anxiety and fear. I gulped hard, making my throat hurt.

"Ruki! Don't!" That voice again... that voice literally begged me... I could only hear his voice behind me, being worried sick and begging me to stay in life.

I couched. I was still sick but I didn't mind.

I heard footsteps approaching me. I didn't move. I kept standing there, like a frozen idiot that was too afraid to commit his planned suicide. I concentrated in his steps. Those steps should have been Reita's, the one who was far from here and knew nothing about this... But Aoi was always next to me and loved me even though I loved him... That bastard!

My grip tightened around the silver bar to the point my hand hurt. I took a deep breath. I wasn't afraid, I would jump. Even if Aoi would see all this, I know he would understand sometime... Someday...

Tears fell from my useless eyes. I felt everything around me turn and twist. I felt dizzy all of a sudden and before I knew it, my legs started trembling while trying to hold my weight. I felt like falling and hoped I fell in the river decades of meters beneath...

.:.:.:.

I felt something warm around me... Where was I? In heaven? Did I deserved to be up here? No it was soft and comfortable. I died? Did I finally fall in the river? Then, I was glad I managed it, I hated my life...

I felt a presence. Was it God next to me? Was he watching on my terrible appearance? Did he laugh at me while I was asleep? I wouldn't blame him if he did, I was pathetic and miserable.

"Ruki." That familiar voice... But whose it was? Oh, I remember... It was Aoi's. Wait! What was she doing here? Did he umped after me? No!

I stretched out my hand weakly in an attempt to find him. A warm hand caught it in it's grib. I felt like crying again. "Aoi.." My own voice sounded weird to my ears. Or maybe it wasn't my voice. Maybe someone else called for him the same time I was going to. But I felt no other presence.

"Aoi..?" I asked. My throat hurt like hell but whispering his name was a medicine to pain.

"Yes?" Aoi asked with that serious voice he had. I felt the comfortable thing beneath me move and I guessed Aoi came closer to me.

"I..." I had no idea what I should have said. There were so many things I wanted to tell him but it felt like it was so little time. "I.. died?" I asked whispering.

I heard Aoi's soft chuckle. "Of course not." I felt a pair of lips kissing my forehead and his warm breath falling on my face.

I lifted my other hand and placed it on his face, it was in front of mine, leaving a few inches between us. I touched every detail of his face and stopping of his soft lips. I only wished I could see his face again. I could only see him through my old memories and all of them had been too blurry to trust.

He took my hand away from his face and placed his lips on mine. For once after so long, my heart started beating as it had just been reborn. It reminded me the time when I felt this with Reita but.. when was it...? Probably more than 2 years ago.. Long time and I have been a living dead all this time... No feeling, no emotion, no heart beat... I just had them when it was necessary.

Aoi pulled away from the soft kiss. I started trembling. I felt warm air from Aoi's small chuckle. "You are cold, aren't you?"

I thought a little about it. "Y-Yes." I wasn't sure if I was cold or if it was a reaction to my new emotions after so long.

Excitement, happiness, relaxation, calmness, peace, affection and... love..? I wasn't sure.

I felt Aoi leaving. "Stay!" I shouted stretching out my hand trying to find him.

"I'm just going to get a blanket." Aoi excused himself.

"No, I'm fine. Just hold me in your arms." I didn't need to hide it anymore, both of us knew that being only the two of us gave us a warm and comfort feeling.

Aoi came back, lieing next to me, underneath all those blankets he had brought. I placed my head on his chest and he wrapped his hands around me. I felt myself passing away in his arms just like that...

.:.:.:.

Aoi lead me to the kitchen helping me sit on my usual chair. "The food is on it's way." Aoi sang excited. I loved to hear him that happy, it made me smile and laugh.

My life had turned in a way that I didn't expect and I did tried to end it so many times. But Aoi was always there, to hold my hand and whisper those words that I had heard before as a lie. He would always take care after me, lead me anywhere and be there when I needed someone. Furthermore, he would always cover all of my needs. He would always feed me, help me change and hug me whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. He was always next to me, always did and he promised that he would always would.

I remembered the day when he begged me to move in with him so he would look after me all day long. I had agreed in hesitation. And he did keep his promise in making my life happier with no complain. And I was glad he could manage such a thing.

I, well, I could live again. It's been 4 and a half years since Reita broke up with me. But the last year I had been living with a joyful Aoi who brought me the feelings I used to have with Reita. No, Aoi wasn't a Reita substitute, he was more than that. He was unique and brought me more emotions than Reita ever did. And always, they were good emotions. No pain, no hurt, no tears, no depression.

This life had been a nightmare until Reita finally released me and let me live on my own. Until then, my life wasn't the best but now it's more than that, it's a heaven on Earth. And it's all thanks to the older man that is in this room with me, right now.

Aoi would always share with me everything. Those lame jokes and funny stories never failed in making me laugh. And his politeness when I was around.. He hold me in his hands like a fragile frozen rose that had just started blooming after years of coldness.

"Hey, what are you thinking again?" Aoi's nosy side broke my chain of thoughts.

I smiled. "Nothing." It was indeed nothing.

"The food is here. Wait a little because it's hot." I heard a plate being placed in front of me on the table. Then, I heard Aoi sitting at the chair next to me, on my right.

I couldn't but smile at him every time he was around me. Maybe that was the real feeling of love... It made me be glad that Aoi did not let me die but instead, he gave me those warm feelings, a warm hug and a warm house. Maybe this is what I should have felt with Reita. No! I wouldn't think of him again. I had Aoi. And he was far more better.

This was the happiness of affection and love. Both given to me by this precious person who was sitting next to me.

"You keep thinking, aren't you? What are you thinking about?" Aoi's nosy side broke my thoughts again.

I turned my head to his direction and smiled warmly. Then, I whispered those 3 words I had never shared with him before even though he kept telling me them over and over again to make sure I never forgot.

.:.:.:.