A/N: This is not the chronologically first chapter of this story. Anything that seems AU will be explained in time. Oh, and if any of you are here looking for the promised re-write of my first story, don't worry, it's under way.

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As Tayuya regained consciousness, the first thing she realized was she had never felt so drained in her life. She felt she didn't even have the energy to open her eyes, but a quick assessment of herself deemed the action necessary. She was nearly naked, her only clothing being her breast bindings and her panties. She was lying on a cold and hard surface. Most alarming, she could feel something cold and wet gliding over the skin of her stomach.

She would have groaned from the strain, but that would have consumed excess energy. She opened her eyes. The first thing she noticed was the ceiling with the large, well-defined streaks of ink swirling across it. Though she was not well versed in fuuinjutsu, she could instantly tell that the markings on the ceiling were part of some sealing array.

With great effort, she lifted her head enough to look down the front of her body. A pot of ink sat at her side, and a blond-haired ninja - whom she instantly recognized as the fucktard who she thought had killed her - dipped a brush in it, before continuing to draw on her stomach. In the corner of the room stood an easily recognizable Jiraiya of the Sannin. He seemed to be scrutinizing the blonde's work with narrow eyes.

As Tayuya scanned the room, she noticed the walls and the floor of the small, dimly-lit room were also completely covered in the fancy, squiggly lines of fuuinjutsu, and all the lines seemed to converge on her. She was the central focus of whatever this sealing array was supposed to do, and that alarmed her. She moved her wide eyes back towards the blond, to find his own blue eyes looking back at her.

"Relax." He told her. "I'm going to take Orochimaru's curse seal off of you. Then, assuming you give us your full cooperation, you'll be granted full amnesty for any crimes committed against Konoha, and be given asylum within our walls. That's more than fair, I believe. Now lay still and let me finish."

He gently pushed her head back down onto the smooth, stone floor.

"Water." She rasped out from her dry throat. Without saying anything, Jiraiya approached her while producing a canteen, and gently pressed it to her parched lips while the blond continued his work. She greedily slurped at the precious liquid until the canteen ran dry. Jiraiya returned to his corner. As she licked her lips, she thought about what the blond had told her.

She had thought removing the curse seal was impossible, but here she was in the same room with the greatest living seal master. Sure, he wasn't the one actually drawing what she assumed was the removal seal, but he was watching the guy that was like a hawk. If they could actually get that slave collar off of her, then the blond was right. That deal was more than fair. She'd cough up everything she could about Orochimaru, which was probably all they wanted. Then with the seal gone and Konoha protecting her, he'd be unable to kill her for it. Of course, this was assuming the blond was being straight with her.

It was fucking good news, considering that the last time she was conscious she thought she was dying. The blond wrapped up his drawing after several more minutes, and then moved to look her in the eye.

"I'm going to knock you out again. The removal would likely be excruciatingly painful if you were conscious for it." She gave him the barest of nods.

He made a few hand seals, and then touched her temples with his index and middle fingers. She saw black.

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Jiraiya gave the large array one last once-over.

"Fantastic kid. I couldn't have done it better myself." He grinned. "We'll have to let you have a go at Anko-san next. I'm sure she'll be ecstatic to learn you found a way to get Orochimaru's hickey of doom off of her."

Naruto grinned right back at his sensei. "Thanks ero-sennin, but I couldn't have done it without your help."

Jiraiya clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Don't sell yourself short. You invented this array, not me. I just gave you a hand with some kinks." He walked to the focus point by Tayuya's head, and stood in it's center. "Let's get to it."

Naruto stood in the focus point by Tayuya's feet, and they both made a ram sign. All the previously dark lines of ink on the ceiling, walls, floor, and red-haired kunoichi's skin began to glow as they conducted carefully regulated amounts of chakra through them.

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"Rise and shine sleepyhead!" an overly cheerful voice announced in a sing-song tone.

"Shut the fuck up." Tayuya mumbled through her pillow. If she wasn't so damn comfy she definitely would have had to murderize the owner of the voice. Nothing pissed her off like a morning person.

"Come on now!" The voice, clearly female, persisted. "You've already slept for nearly a week. Don't you want to take a look at the clean, smooth skin where Orochimaru's seal used to be?"

That got Tayuya's attention. Instantly her encounter with Jiraiya and the little blond spitfuck came back to her. She sat up ramrod straight, and barely managed to register a hospital room around her before she noticed a small mirror being offered to her by a pair of hands. She snatched it up, and quickly angled it so she could look at the flesh where her seal was. There was nothing there.

"Well hot damn." she murmured. "Those glorious bastards did it. They really did it."

All smiles, she turned to the owner of the hands that had passed her the mirror. Surprise registered on her face as she recognized Tsunade Senju. She smirked viciously.

"Let me help you fuck up your old teammate any way I can."

Tsunade smirked back. "I like your attitude. Give us full cooperation, and we may let you have a direct hand in that."

"We?" she asked. "Aren't you the Hokage?"

"That I am, but I'm not your warden. I've given that responsibility to Naruto. Upon his request, actually. You'll be under house arrest under his watch until you've given us everything we want. Then you'll be free to do whatever you want." She folded her arms under her impressive bust. "You'd best be grateful to Naruto. He's the only reason you're not in Torture and Interrogation right now, with Ibiki-kun."

Tayuya held her hands up. "Wait, who's this Naruto guy, and why the hell's he so interested in me?"

Tsunade shrugged. "Ask him yourself, you'll get to meet him in a minute. I sent for him when I saw you were waking up."

Tayuya reached down and pulled an IV out of her arm. "Could I have some food? I'm fucking starving. Oh, and clothes. This hospital gown ain't gonna cut it for long." She dearly hoped it'd been a female nurse to undress her, and put the damn thing on her.

Tsunade passed her a water bottle. "You might want to wait until Naruto gets here, and mooch some food off him. The hospital food will make you wish we had given you to Torture and Interrogation. I also told him to bring some spare clothes for you, until you can get new ones."

Tayuya frowned. "You still haven't told me who this 'Naruto' is." She was a little worried. This was the guy who was gonna have complete authority over her until Tsunade had 'gotten what she wanted'.

"Oh, don't worry." A new voice said. "I'm pretty easy to get along with." Tayuya whipped her head towards the window, only to see the same blond fucker who'd decimated her team, captured her, and removed her curse. Weighing it in her mind, she decided the last one made him pretty alright. But she was still pissed at him. He was wearing pretty standard shinobi garb. Black, form-fitting reinforced cotton with a chuunin vest – which she realized hadn't been there before her capture – over the top. The only odd thing was that it was trimmed with burnt orange.

Naruto hopped into the room from his spot on the windowsill, and dropped a duffel bag onto the foot of Tayuya's bed. "My most asexual clothes are in there. They'll do until we can get you better. I don't own any bras or panties, but I included a very clean pair of boxers and some wraps that can be used for chest binding if they'll make you more comfortable."

Tayuya wanted to blow up at this fucker, but found she couldn't. "Thanks." she said dryly.

Naruto turned to Tsunade. "You need to be anywhere for awhile?"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "I've always got paperwork. A bottle of saki might convince me to leave it alone for awhile though." she deftly caught the small porcelain jug Naruto tossed to her, before taking a swig.

Naruto laughed. "You're too easy, baa-chan." he ducked as she sent the bottle hurtling back at his head, letting it smash against the floor, spilling it's precious contents. Before Tsunade could begin her hissy fit, Naruto quickly blurted his piece.

"You-really-need-to-be-here-to-listen-to-what-I-need-to-tell-her-it's-really-really-important-and-will-make-you-understand-why-I-didn't-want-to-hand-her-over-to-Ibiki-oh-gods-please-don't-kill-me!"

Naruto inhaled sharply. Tsunade slowly lowered her fist. Tayuya frowned. She really wanted to hear this too.

Naruto turned to her. "Your name's Tayuya, right?"

"Yes." she nodded in affirmative.

"Do you have a last name?"

Tayuya frowned. "No. I'm pretty much a classic war orphan."

Naruto grinned. "What if I told you you are very directly related to a clan?"

That got Tayuya's attention, if she was related to one of Konoha's great clans, that would give her a free place to stay after all this, and an army of skilled clansman constantly surrounding her. But something didn't quite add up.

"How could you possibly know if I'm related to a clan?"

Naruto's grin just stretched wider. "Tell me, just exactly how large are your chakra reserves compared to the average shinobi? Or even someone like Orochimaru?"

Tayuya grinned at the chance to boast a bit. "The only person in all of Oto with more chakra than me is Orochi-cock-sucker himself. Even Kimimaru couldn't match how much raw chakra I have. That's why I was given my doki, I'm the only one with enough chakra to use them for any significant length of time."

Naruto nodded and 'hmmm'ed, still grinning. "Yet you have top-notch control, enough to be a genjutsu type."

Tayuya nodded. "Yup. I'm a monster."

Naruto chuckled, making Tayuya scowl. "Are you now?" He turned to Tsunade, who had already caught on. "Massive chakra reserves, pinpoint control, and fiery hair and attitude. Not to mention her injuries almost completely healed in the seven hours it took to get her back to the village and set up the array to remove her curse mark. Do you need any more proof?"

Tunade shook her head with an amused smirk. "Nope."

Tayuya was looking rapidly between them. "Well?" she demanded impatiently.

Naruto turned to her. "Welcome to the family, Tayuya Uzumaki nee-chan."

Tayuya looked at him blankly for a moment. "Uzumaki?" She wracked her brain for anything she knew about them. "The Uzumaki... They were destroyed, right? By Iwa and Kumo in the second war. They had no kekkei genkai, they were just a bunch of badass motherfuckers who just so happened to be related to each other. They lived on an island surrounded by whirlpools in the north."

Naruto nodded. "That's the basic gist. But let me tell you a little bit more." He paused for a moment to think. "The Uzumakis were known as badass motherfuckers for several reasons. One, they had massive chakra reserves with pin-point control. It's not a kekkei genkai, but still. Every Uzumaki ninja had enough chakra to toss around A-rank ninjutsu like candy for hours on end. That alone would have been enough to make them a great and feared clan."

He grinned proudly. "But that's not all. It manifests to varying degrees in different members, but Uzumakis have a powerful healing factor, and great vitality and longevity. My own healing factor is very strong. I can even regrow lost limbs. Yours isn't quite as strong, but the beating you got when I captured you would have put a non-Uzumaki in a coma."

Tayuya was getting excited now. She wasn't sure why, she was just hearing that she had a bunch of dead relatives (and one living one) that she got a substantial amount of her badass-ness from, but her heart-rate was starting to pick up.

"Lastly," Naruto continued "They were known as the greatest fuuinjutsu experts. Ever. Let me tell you, that is one fierce combination. Ninjutsu powerhouses who could defend their home with fuuinjutsu based traps? When Iwa and Kumo invaded Uzushiogakure, they sent a combined force of 10,000 ninja to raise the village, all of them jounin and elite chuunin." He smirked. "The Uzumaki clan had about 800 ninja total. Guess how many Iwa and Kumo ninja walked out alive after the destruction of Uzu?"

Tayuya felt her heart hammering in her chest now. "Uh, several thousand?" she guessed liberally. Her guess was probably too low; it would be amazing if the 800 Uzumakis took more than three or four thousand jounin and chuunin to the grave with them.

Naruto smirked at her viciously. "317 ninja walked back out, and more than 200 of those were crippled, unable to continue being shinobi. The Uzumakis achieved a twelve-to-one kill-to-death ratio."

Tayuya's mouth hung agape. "Holy fuck! How is that fucking possible! Even with the homeground advantage, that's fucking ridiculous!"

Naruto just smiled with satisfaction. "They were just that badass. My mother was one of the survivors. She was living in Konoha at the time of the attack. I don't know how your progenitors survived, but apparently they did, and you're here now." He smiled a genuine, friendly smile at her. "If you want to become a Konoha shinobi, I'll teach you how to fight like a real Uzumaki. None of that stupid crap Orochimaru was wasting your talents on."

She thought about it for about a millisecond. "Fuck yeah! I'll be a Konoha shinobi! Just teach me how to be one of those twelve-to-one kill-to-death badasses!"

"Hold it!" Tsunade yelled, turning to glare at Naruto. "Even if she is your long-lost clansman, how can you guarantee her loyalty? I won't have you training a potential traitor in your clan's style."

Tayuya's heart fell into her stomach, but Naruto spoke up in her defense. "You know as well as I do that she has no love of Orochimaru. Who's she gonna betray us for?"

Tsunade's eyes narrowed. "She may not have any reason to betray us, but she has no reason not to either. What happens when a reason to betray us comes along?"

Naruto smiled. "Her reason not to betray us will come along first. And it will be stronger. I guarantee it." Tayuya wondered what the hell he was talking about, but decided that it would be wise to keep her mouth shut.

Tsunade kept glaring for a minute... then she sighed. "I trust you way too much brat. Come by my office later, and I'll officially instate her." She smirked at Tayuya. "You're officially discharged from the hospital. Let Naruto show you to your new clan grounds."

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A/N: As with many opening chapters, this one was a little short and introductory. Future chapters will be significantly longer.

Please, tell me what you think! I felt I took a risk by stepping into a Naruto world that's a bit AU without explaining everything at the beginning, and that several bits had enough cheese to make an XL deep-dish pizza, so don't hold back your criticism, as long as it's constructive.