"Yes, sir... Yup... Got it... Good day to you, Mr. Suzuki." Takasugi hangs up a phone and turns to a random Koei worker. "Okay, we're a little short on cash here... So we're just gonna borrow some of the characters here to send to America to do some jobs."
"What kind of jobs?"
"Teaching jobs since they don't require much background. They can become substitute teachers. Once they get the paycheck, we can send it over here and exchange it for some yen."
"I don't think that's legal..."
"Who cares? We don't suffer consequences since this is a fanfiction."
"America... I feel like sending Ancient Chinese people to one of the most modern countries in the world... It's a slippery slope."
"They'll be fine."
"Only a handful of them have taught people. The others have never took an apprentice in their life."
"As I said, they'll be fine."
"Sir, this is a bad-"
Takasugi stares him down with glowing red eyes that go right through his sunglasses,"They'll. Be. Fine."
"You do realize substitute teachers barely make any money, right...?"
"Well, do you expect me to send some of them to freakin' Google and see if they can get in there?! All you need is a high school diploma and you're golden. We can just lie about their education."
"I feel like this is still a bad-"
*POW*
Cao Cao
He is in an itchy suit and is holding a briefcase as he walks through a doorway, it being already open. When he enters, the room had high school students going to their seats. He speaks into a microphone,"How do I do this again?"
"Just be nice and teach things." replies the microphone.
"What do I teach?"
"...Uh... Find out from the students."
Cao Cao approaches the closest student and asks,"What class is this?"
She replies,"World History."
"...Hm..." Cao Cao goes to a giant desk and finds a note.
"Show a movie... What's a movie...?"
"Crap... Um... Just get some of the kids to help you with that."
Setting the briefcase down, Cao Cao goes to the front of the class and does the introductions.
"Alright, class. My name is Cao Cao. Or you can call me Master or Lord Cao Cao."
"So, Mr. Cao?"
"Fine, whatever you people call elders these days. I will be your substitute teacher today and your original teacher apparently has a 'movie' ready. How do I do that?"
"It should be on the computer." points out one student.
"How do I use it?"
The class lets out a loud groan and a student goes up to him to lead him to a computer at the desk.
Cao Pi
"Alright, brats. I will be your teacher for today. What is this class about?"
"This is a chemistry class." says a random student. "But, aren't you going to introduce yourself?"
"Hmph, you kids want my name? Very well." He takes a marker and scribbles on the board,"I am Master Cao Pi, and that is the only name you will refer to me as."
A group of students at the back snickers,"Pee... Mr. Pee..."
"Oh my god! That is perfect...!"
"What is this 'Mr." you speak of? It is Master Cao Pi, you louts."
"You look too young to be a teacher..." points out a boy in the front.
"You look a little too old to be a student."
"That's because I was held back a grade, man."
"Phht, I bet your parents disowned you for such insolence."
"They don't care."
"I don't care. Now, let us get our books and read everything out loud."
"That's not what we do-"
Cao Pi shatters a beaker and throws the shards at the student who said that.
"You do not question your master!"
"He's dreamy..." swoons a girl.
"I know, right? He's so hot!" says another.
"You mean a dick..." says that student with the shards in his head.
Xiahou Dun
"Okay, who can tell me what is this?" Xiahou Dun draws a beautiful sketch of China and he calls on a student.
"China...?"
"Yes! And who rules China?"
"...The president of China-" Xiahou Dun chucks a marker at that student's mouth.
"Wrong! It is..." He draws a nice sketch of Cao Cao. "Lord Cao Cao!"
"Wow..."
"Isn't that the other substitute teacher in that other world history class...?"
"No way! That's racist, man. Not all Asians look the same."
"Cool, I didn't know the president until now!"
"Um... The president of China is not him-" Xiahou Dun throws an eraser at the student.
"You there!"
"M-Me?!"
"Year is 208 A.D. What event happened during this year?!"
"Uh... The Han Dynasty fell...?"
"Hmph, too general! You need to get into details!"
"Our teacher never taught us that! He just said the Han Dynasty fell!"
"And what caused its fall?!"
"Corrupt eunuchs and attacks from the north by foreign invaders!"
"That's what they want you to think!" *Three Kingdoms era? That doesn't exist in American textbooks.*
"AHHHHH!"
"Haha, I was just kidding. That was a factor, but that wasn't the big point."
"What is it then?!"
"It was..." He pulls down a picture of Dong Zhuo,"THIS thing!"
The class screams in terror at the picture hysterically,"AHHHHHHHHH!"
Cao Ren
It was a snorefest and sadly, the kids made fun of how short he was. But he got them back.
When students walk through the hallways, they run into giant walls that prevent them from getting to their next class.
"What the...?"
"Damn it! This is going to put a dent in my perfect attendance!"
"Whoo! Free period!"
When the student planning to ditch turns around, he runs right into another wall. He takes another way and runs into a wall again. Everywhere the students, went they were trapped within walls that blocked off every hallway.
"I'm going to die here...! Nooo...!"
Xiahou Yuan
"Class, according to your real teacher, he said to give you homework in the textbook. Well, I think I should put a little twist to it."
"Oh no... You're going to pile on more homework..."
"Nope." He takes out his bow and an apple. "Shoot this apple off of my head and I will not give you the homework."
"Hell yeah!"
"That's the spirit!"
Five minutes later
Xiahou Yuan stands there with real arrows embedded into his skull while the apple is still on his head.
"...Maybe real arrows weren't a good idea..."
"Oh my gosh! Do you need a doctor?!" exclaims a student acting like they just realized that Xiahou Yuan was hurt.
"...Nope... I'm fine..." He collapses right after he said that.
Zhang Liao
It was a P.E. class. Zhang Liao commands all of the students under him,"Give me thirty laps!"
"But that's not what we-"
"I'm the master here, so thus you all must do what I say! I don't understand why are there both boys and girls here, but all of you shall train hard!"
"That's sexist, man."
"I do not know what that word is! Forty laps for back talking! After your forty lap warm-up, you all must grab a partner to combat with! Grab a sword and fight! The last one alive wins!"
Xu Huang
When he gets onto the scene, he sees bodies of students scattered around groaning and covered in blood. He looks around in confusion,"What happened here?!"
Zhang Liao is standing in middle of the concrete with crossed arms. He makes a tsking noise and says,"These kids do not know how to fight... I fear for this place's future..."
"You killed all of them!"
"I did not do this. A true warrior did this." He points dramatically at a single girl holding a sword. "If the army allowed women or if she were a man, she would make a fine warrior."
"...So I don't have a class to teach...?"
Dian Wei
When he gets to the scene, the security officers attempt to arrest him.
"Hey! Why are you people-?! Get off of me!" He bashes in their heads and beats them up, not knowing about the felonies he just committed. The security officers add to the unconscious bodies scattered around the blacktop.
"What was I supposed to do here again...?"
A static voice yells at him through a microphone,"Damnit! Just run! You blew it! Get to a safe spot and we'll summon you back here!"
Xu Chu
High schoolers are mean, so of course they make fun of his obese size. However, Xu Chu is not taking their shit.
The kids in the back snicker while passing along mean comments about Xu Chu. Xu Chu catches wind of their insults and goes over to them.
"You got something to say to my face?"
"What'cha gonna do about it, fat-ass?"
"Yeah! Hahah...! Fat-ass!"
"Okay, you kids aren't very nice, so thus I have to be not very nice to you!" Xu Chu turns to the side and tears out a lab table straight from the floor, frightening everyone in the class. He then slams it down onto the group of assholes and goes on his way like if nothing happened.
Zhang He
High schoolers are mean, so of course they make fun of his feminine appearance. However, he doesn't take shit from them.
It was an English class. Zhang He flips through a booklet and comments,"Poetry, eh? Seems simple enough. I love poetry myself. Let's see... I'm not sure how to read this right..."
Whispers can be heard in the back,"Hey, is that a man or a woman?"
"It's a he."
"Really? No way... I thought he was a chick!"
"Keep it down! Do you want him to hear you?!"
"I already did." Zhang He is already towering over that student and he maintains a friendly demeanor. "Say, are you familiar with poetry yourself? I'd like to know of this country's style of poetry for myself."
"Huh...? Um... I don't really-YAAAAGH!"
Claws stab into his desk abruptly.
"Jesus f*bleep*ing Christ! Where did you keep those?!"
"Nice to hear that you do not have anything worth contributing here. Now shut up and let me figure out how to be a teacher without someone commenting on my appearance."
Zhen Ji
She causes some erections within the male demographic of the music class she was assigned to.
"Uggh... I am sure you kids know when I said 'instruments', I meant the ones you can play and not what's in your trousers..."
Cai Wenji
Not as badly as Zhen Ji, but she still got some boys "excited" despite her clothes covering every inch of her body.
"Am I doing something wrong? Why are these boys not performing well?"
"Yeah, you are doing something wrong." Zhen Ji walks by and rips her skirt and blouse to expose her legs and cleavage, making the situation worse. Some boys had fainted with pitched tents in their pants.
Wang Yi
"Physiology, eh? What does that mean again?"
"The study of the body, ma'am." replies one student.
"Got it." She walks to a shape covered up with a sheet."So, kids. This is a human spleen." says Wang Yi after she uncovers the sheet to then rip out an organ out of Xiahou Yuan's corpse lying on the table. The class erupts into pure chaos with everyone screaming. She raises an eyebrow,"What? This person only recently died. This is what he would have wanted."
"No, I wouldn't have wanted this!" exclaims Xiahou Yuan as he sits up with a hole at in his belly. "Put that back!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The students run around in a panic with some kids jumping out of windows screaming,"Zombie!"
"Hmph. A human spleen isn't something to get excited about..."
Jia Xu
He doesn't even do the job and just sat in the desk sleeping. The microphone in his ear yells at him,"Wake up! They don't pay you to sleep! They pay you to just sit!"
"Same difference..."
In front of him is the students doing whatever they want and they throw paper anything at Jia Xu.
Guo Jia
The whole class period was the class trying to figure out his ethnicity despite Guo Jia trying to change the subject.
"Okay... Can we get to-"
"I still don't get it. How can a Chinese guy have blonde hair? Are you half-German?"
"What's a 'German'...? I know what a Roman is. How about we talk about those guys instead-"
"Are you French? Are you British? Are you Russian? At least half or something?!"
"This is a stupid conversation and even I know that."
"What part of Europe is your dad from?!"
"What the hell is 'Europe'?!"
"You're a history teacher, how do you not know what Europe is?!"
"To think sex makes these things... Forget it, I'm supposed to be... What exactly am I supposed to be doing?"
The microphone shouts in an imitation of Guo Jia's voice,"I'm a washed up K-Pop boy band member! The dye never came off and I'm stuck with yellow hair! You happy?"
"No way! You're Korean?!" exclaims a girl that was clearly a fangirl type.
"Great, I'm Korean now. Thanks a lot..."
"But why do you have a Chinese name if you're Korean?"
"Here we go... Come on, can I at least get someone to say I'm pretty or something...?"
A hand goes up and Guo Jia tiredly calls on it,"Please nothing about my race..."
"I think you're just a Chinese person trying to be white."
"..." Guo Jia turns and walks away from the room,"I quit."
"Get back in there!" exclaims the microphone.
"Fine, fine..."
After the class ends, when Guo Jia opens a drawer, a giant pile of ripped and folded pieces of paper flood out with scribbled phone numbers on them.
"Ooh, numbers. What am I supposed to do with these, do math? Jeez, I can't catch a break."
Pang De
Pang De is towering over security officers interrogating him in the midst of near dead teenagers being taken into ambulances.
"Have you seen a big bald man, near to late thirties and possibly a mix of Asian and African descent anywhere? We might think he had committed this crime."
"No."
"Anything else would you like to add...?"
"Do I still get paid?"
The microphone makes an approving voice,"That's the attitude you need to put on."
"Eh, maybe. We're not sure how the district does things, but I'm sure you will get compensated." replies the officer. "You're buff and tall, dude. Did you play on your high school's football team or something?"
"I fight in an army."
"Cool. Marines, Air Force, Navy?"
"Calvary."
"Never heard of that one."
Yue Jin
"Dude, where'd you get those scars...?" comments a student that was clearly a delinquent. Yue Jin turns to him and says,"I don't know. I just got them."
"Who'd you fight?"
"Oh, about a few hundred thousand men... But it's nothing really."
"Duuuuude... Respect." He makes a hand gang symbol and Yue Jin looks at it with no clue in the world on what it means.
"Are you trying to say something to me?"
"Yeah, man. I bet you know people on the inside."
"Inside of what?"
"Inside inside, man."
"Inside inside of what...?"
"Ah, I got ya. Don't want nobody snitching on ya, huh? I got ya, boy." The delinquent is slammed into the wall with Yue Jin scowling at him.
"Don't. Call. Me. Boy. I'm a grown man!"
"Damn, I must earn your respect... I see you... I get ya..."
Li Dian
"Ooh, what do these do?" Li Dian is in a classroom with computers at every desk and is messing with the one he has at his desk. The students in the class look at him with raised eyebrows. One asks,"Do we do anything this period?"
"Uhh... What does this do..? I think I'm getting a hang of... What are these things called again?"
"Computers...?"
"Sounds cool! What happens if I click on this... Oh, hello! I get a free E-Pad! I don't know what that is, but it's free!"
"NO! DON'T CLICK THAT!" exclaims everyone in the room.
Yu Jin
It was a geometry class and Yu Jin is tormenting the students in there.
"Wrong answer!" shouts Yu Jin as he slaps a student with a bamboo pole. "Can a non-idiot give me the right answer?! You there! What is this?!" He points to a triangle covered in number mumbo jumbo.
"It's-"
"Wrong!"
"OW!"
"This isn't legal! You're not allowed to hit us!" exclaims one.
"In my country, we hit unruly children like you! Take this!"
"Ow!"
Xun Yu
His voice is stuck on his Japanese voice and he speaks in all Japanese for the past twenty minutes, driving the students insane.
"Oh my god! I can't understand a word you're saying!"
"This is a French class! Not a Japanese one! Ahh!"
"This is like one of my Japanese animes! But not as fun!"
The microphone mumbles,"Grr... Why does your voice always change without consent...? A few taps here and there and there you go."
His probably/not-really-canon British voice replaces his Japanese one,"...Furthermore, I do not speak whatever this 'French' language is, but I'll assume it is related to Latin like the Romans speak. Now, what are you children supposed to do today...?"
But his changed voice just drives everyone just as nuts.
"Ahhh! I can't understand this weird form of English! What is it?! What is it?! I don't speak British! Does someone speak British?!"
"AHHHH! No one can!"
"AHHHH! We're doomed for the next fifty minutes!"
"...Is something behind me? Why are you people screaming?"
The door to the classroom opens to have an older woman walk in saying,"I'm sorry, class... I just got caught in a traffic jam and-Heeelllloooo... Who is this handsome man?"
The microphone tells him,"Just go. You do not have a job anymore. Use your pretty face to draw a paycheck from the higher-ups for your time."
"Well then, I am no longer needed. Good day."
"Ooh, you're British... We rarely get British teachers around here... Why don't you stick around and maybe pick up some French?"
A student blurts out,"I thought the French hate the British-"
"You be quiet."
"I really need to go..." Xun Yu manages to leave, but when he does get outside of the school, he is tailed by a mob of girls and women. He immediately notices them, but ignores them to continue walking. With every step he took, the others matched it and they were getting closer to him for Xun Yu begin running from them. He does get away from them only then run right into the street and get hit by a car.
The microphone makes a loud groan,"...Did you not learn-Right. I erased your memories of that time... Forget it." A woman was driving the car and when she gets out to examine the body she had hit, she immediately falls in love with Xun Yu's face.
"Oh no... I hope I didn't kill this one out of the gene pool..."
Xun Yu wakes up and quickly gets up to casually walk from the accident like it was nothing.
"Hey! Are you hurt?!"
"NO! Leave me alone! I know I'm handsome, but can't I be more than that?!"
"Oh, I totally agree with you! It doesn't matter what's on the outside, it's on the inside-"
"You are clearly making up rubbish up to get me to bed you and it is not working. Good day, desperate madam." He walks off with his head held high for just a moment when a truck runs him over.
Sun Jian
"I don't know if you guys are familiar with biology..." says the microphone.
"What is it?"
"The study of life. Animals, plants, people, all that stuff."
"Biology, eh...? Well, does this count?" Sun Jian pulls down a chart depicting a very detailed diagram of a tiger.
He tells the class,"You kids are in for a treat as the tiger is one of the animals you must know fully! In your life, you will see this majestic creature and being an aficionado about is sure to impress all those around you!"
"...Sure...? Why not...?"
"Well.. It is endangered... Guess so we can learn about-"
"That's the spirit! Now, let's start with the basics. It is one of the largest feline species on the planet, reaching a total body length of 3.38 meters! It's most recognizable feature is, you guessed it, its orange and black-striped fur! These creatures reside in the continent of Asia mostly..."
He continues on with a huge list of details about tigers, including the most trivial ones you could Google about.
Sun Quan
He has the chart as well in another biology class and is apparently saying the same stuff Sun Jian was saying.
"...and they are mostly carnivorous... Here's one eating an antelope." He pulls down a graphic picture of a tiger eating a dead antelope. "They often like to go to the neck with their prey..."
Sun Shang Xiang
Yeah, it's still going. It just so happens she got a biology class. The chart with the tiger eating a dead antelope is behind her as she energetically says,"...Normally, they live solitary lives, but they are capable of interacting with others, such as sharing its kills with other tigers. The way tigers mark their territory is spraying urine and anal gland secretions..." She pulls down a picture of a tiger marking its territory, disgusting everyone.
"And feces." She pulls down another picture that involved the feces part, drawing a louder groan from the class.
Sun Ce
He was doing the presentation too and at the end of it, he casually says,"Annnnd here's its penis." He pulls down a pixelated image, making everyone yell out in disgust and shock.
Zhou Yu
It didn't really matter what subject he was supposed to teach as the girls in the class just stared at him with googly eyes the entire time. The boys just did not take him seriously with how girly he looked. When he leaves the class for the day, he gets tailed by some woman who purr to him,"Heeello there... Would you like to join me for some coffee for the lunch period?" Another woman hisses at her,"Can it, grandma! He obviously wants a young piece of ass like me!"
"...Oh god..." Zhou Yu quickly walks away only to then be forced to run from the woman. "Ewugh, some of them look like my grandmother...!" The women continue to chase after him until Zhou Yu loses them by hopping into a janitor's closet. It was dark, but a few slits in the door let him be able to see whether or not the women were still following him. When he backs up, he bumps into what felt like another body and turns around to try looking for it. He takes a match to light it and he sees...
Gan Ning
Zhou Yu finds Gan Ning's body riddled with stab and bullet wounds. A symbol was carved into his chest and Zhou Yu doesn't even bother looking at it. He shakes his head,"Uggh... It's only been a few hours and he gets killed... Shameful... "
Behind is that delinquent quietly walking by with a bloody knife as well a gun.
Taishi Ci
It was P.E. and he was using Gan Ning's corpse as a dummy. He points to the neck, which was stitched up,"See here is where you need to hit in order to disable your enemy. Try it out on those around you and let's see who mastered it. Like this!" He delivers a swift blow to the neck, knocking the "dummy's" head off.
"Now you try."
The class all turn to one another to attempt the technique and everyone ends up on the floor rubbing their neck in pain.
"Aw, no one survived it."
Ling Tong
The head flies onto a field as Ling Tong is reading a booklet while kids are playing soccer in front of him.
"Soccer... What?" He stops reading and looks up to see the students kicking the black and white ball around. "It makes more sense to call it football... The ball goes to your feet, why not name it that...? Why give it such a bothersome name...? Football. Ball that goes to your foot. Easy."
The head rolls to his feet and Ling Tong kicks it hard without looking at it.
"Yeah, what idiot named this game...? I put my foot into a ball, thus FOOT-BALL. Soccer sounds like something involving socks or something."
Lu Meng
The head was kicked so hard, it crashes through a window and plops onto a stand in front of Lu Meng.
"Speak of the Cao Cao, I have a specimen here for you all."
Someone screams,"Ahhh! That's a real head!"
"Of course it is. Isn't this a class for the study of the human body? Let me cut into this to pull out the main thing that defines us all as human beings..." He takes out a scalpel and slices open the head to pull out the brain.
"Huh... I didn't know he had a brain this size... The knucklehead doesn't even use this... Oh well, who wants to handle it?"
"UUUGH! NO!"
"Eh... Old man... Put that back in..." mumbles Gan Ning as he comes back to life on the stand, driving everyone to a screaming mass.
"AHHHHH! ZOMBIE!"
"Fine, fine... It's not like you would use this thing..." Lu Meng slaps the brain back into its owner's head. "Who killed you?"
"Some kid who said he knew where my tattoos are from... I didn't get it, but he just then bam-ed me and stabbed me..."
"Don't walk around without a shirt, idiot."
"I was wearing a shirt! I just didn't button..."
Huang Gai
Teenagers lined up in neat rows are doing push-ups as Huang Gai yells in their faces. He yells at a boy,"My nephew can do a better push-up than that! And he's ten!" He goes to shout in a girl's face,"I know a girl who could do these back when she was a toddler! Don't think I'll go easy on you ladies!" He retracts his head, "In fact, all of you are ladies! How the hell are you expected to see victory in your army when you can barely get victory here?!"
Han Dang
"Run, you bitches! RUUUUUN!" roars Han Dang at teenagers speeding around a track. "I have no idea what I'm doing, but this seems right!"
"I think I'm going to pass out..."
"Good! The pain will help you be a better runner!" When he turns his head, the sun's rays bounce off of the bald part and hits a person running by in the eyes.
"Oh god, my eyes!" He falls down onto the ground. More people get blinded and get up tripping over the one student lying on the ground to fall into one big pile.
Lianshi
The boys stared at Lianshi's chest and they all never took their eyes off of it. Lianshi notices this obviously and stands there crossing her arms with a frown.
"Does anyone in here have something to say or ask?"
Many hands go up.
"NOT about my chest."
The rest go down except for one.
"Yes?"
"Just... How...?"
"I said nothing about my chest!"
"But come on! How can those things exist?!"
"I bet this bitch has some fake ones!" exclaims a random girl in a ghetto voice. She gets out of her seat and goes over to grope at Lianshi's chest roughly only to let go quickly and go back with an embarrassed expression.
"...I was wrong... Those are real... Respect..."
Zhou Tai
Zhou Tai is standing still holding a remote. His finger keeps pressing the up button as a Powerpoint presentation flips slide by slide in front of the class. Really, he had no idea what he was doing.
"Hey! Slow down! Let me get this down!" exclaims a student. Zhou Tai blinks once and continues pressing that up button.
"Press the down button, please!"
His finger finds the down button and keeps pressing that now for the slides to backward. He continues to silently stand there with the remote and presses another button. A red laser shoots out and hits a student's eye. Zhou Tai blinks twice and continues to use the laser on everyone in the class without saying a word.
"Stop it!"
"Ow! What happened to the notes?!"
By this time, Zhou Tai was just playing with the laser and annoying students without making a sound.
Da Qiao
"Girl... You look too young to be a teacher..." says a girl.
"You... Um... You're overweight!" That was Da Qiao's attempt at a retort. The girl flips her table and storms over to Da Qiao to give her a piece of her mind. The class cheers on when the loud punching noises occur.
"I've had enough! Take this!" She had taken out her fans to blast away the bitchy girl off of her.
"Bitch knows how to fight with fans!"
"Yeah! And these have the pointy bits on them! Now sit back down!"
The girl slowly sets back up her desk to sit back in her seat with wide eyes. The room is silent for a moment when a boy coughs loudly.
"Ahhh!" Da Qiao flings her wrists out of reflex and those fans fly over to cut a huge area of hair off of the boy's head. He sits there shaking and sinks down in his chair.
Xiao Qiao
"Okay, class! Let's start by-"
"I'm out." says a boy as he walks out of the classroom. One by one, the other students walk out of the classroom with poker faces on.
"The district is really getting desperate..."
"Jeez, they have to start hiring kids now...? That's sad..."
Lu Su
"I don't understand why the other's are having trouble. I feel like I'm doing just fine..."
The class that bailed out earlier walk right in his class.
"Can we stay here for this period? Our sub sucks/is a fu*bleep*ing little kid."
"Riiiight..."
Zhu Ran
He is flailing his arms about as he throws random things into a pot of fire. He speaks fast and his eyes were going all over the place.
"...andthisheregoesinheretocreateanamazingchemicalreactionknownasburning!Itcan'tberevertedback!That'sthebeauty! Didyouknowfireistherapidoxidationofamaterialintheexothermicprocessofcombustionreleasingheatandlight!"
"Can you repeat that?"
"NO!HAHAHAHHA!"
"Koff... Koff... The windows...! Open them...!"
"No!Youallmustlearntolovethesmoke!Youcan'tlovefirewithoutlovingthesmoke!Lovethesmoke!LOOOOOVVVVEIIIIITTTT!"
Lu Xun
An older woman looks at him and scoffs while stirring her mug of coffee.
"Phht, you're no man. You're just a little puppy. These kids will tear you apart. If they don't, the older teachers will. Watch out, kid."
"I'll show you!" He turns to storm off and get to his assigned class, but he returns to the woman with an nervous look.
"Um... How do I read the little signs next to the rooms...? And which is mine...?"
"Ugggh... Come on."
When he did get to a classroom, it was clouded in smoke and there were windows that had been busted open all around. A pot off fire sits in the middle of a desk and Lu Xun goes over to examine it. A bottle was sitting next to it and Lu Xun takes it to pour into the fire with a straight face.
Liu Bei
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
Liu Bei is frozen watching a building get its top blown off from a giant fiery explosion. He nervously backs away saying,"Um... I think that is off-limits now..."
The microphone replies,"Yeah, you might need to apply somewhere else now. That one's... Oh boy... Hopefully, people survived. Get out of there now before the media gets there."
Guan Yu
"Can I touch your beard?" asks a student when he raised his hand.
Guan Yu replies with another question,"Are your hands clean?"
"...Um-"
"Then go wash them. No one touches the beard unless their hands are clean. You over there with the snacks, you may not touch my beard." He points to a kid in the back eating a handful of Cheetos. Another kid nearby raises his hand,"How do I grow a beard like that?"
"You don't. Only I get to have this luscious beard."
Zhang Fei
In the class he was teaching, there were delinquents in the back cracking open beers and Zhang Fei catches them.
"Soooo... You planning to share that?"
"What? No way, old man."
"If you're gonna have alcohol in my classroom, you better share."
"Whaa...? That's stupid, man... F*bleep* no am I giving beer to you."
"Okay." Zhang Fei takes the beer cans and walks off with them, prompting one of the teenagers to get up shouting,"Hey! Give that back!"
"Oh yeah? What'cha gonna do about it, huh, bitch?" Zhang Fei takes a can, crushes it in his hand and holds it over his mouth to let the beer spill into his mouth. "See that? I'mma drink your alcohol in front of you!"
"F*bleep* you!" The teenager boy runs towards him with a fist out as Zhang Fei taunts him by chugging down those beers. Zhang Fei then takes a yardstick and thrusts it forward to stab the boy right through the chest, shocking everyone in the room. Zhang Fei then drops the corpse to nonchalantly say,"There. Always share, kids."
Zhao Yun
Girls love his dreamy face while boys are annoyed at his preachy voice as he speaks out loud to the class. Zhao Yun had no idea what he was teaching and was a very good job at bullshitting. One student whispers to another,"He looks like the French substitute that my cousin had in the other school over."
"Really? Nah..."
"No talking in my classroom!" Zhao Yun flings a yardstick that embeds itself into one of the student's desks, shutting them up.
Ma Chao
His class was P.E.
"Where are your horses?!" loudly asks Ma Chao to the class he was assigned.
"We don't have horses, Mister. However, the private school in the mountains do."
"Then what is that track for?!" Ma Chao points to a giant track that surrounds a field of grass.
"Running."
"WITH YOUR LEGS?"
"Yes."
"Blasphemy! Everyone! Get a partner and decide who's the horse!"
Huang Zhong
"Okay, kids... I'm your teacher for today-"
A student raises his hand,"Can I touch your beard-" The student next to him says in a hushed voice,"Why, dude?! he's old! Why touch an old guy's beard?!"
"But it looks nice and soft like the other guy with a long beard!"
"That guy wasn't an old fart!" A marker flies into his forehead, leaving a circular mark. "OW!"
Huang Zhong was holding a bow made out of a yardstick and rubber bands saying coldly,"If anyone calls me an old fart one more time today, I'm going to smack a bitch..."
Jiang Wei
He looks the same age as the people in his class, so not a lot of them really took him seriously. He actually just stands there for the whole period, not knowing what to do. Whenever he talks, teenagers would snicker at how nerdy and Canadian it sort of sounded to them.
"Stop laughing!"
"Are you Canadian? What's with your accent?"
"What is a Canadian?"
"Say 'aboot'. Hehehe...!"
"Aboot."
"Oh my god, you do sound Canadian!"
"Oh, is that some form of insult, eh?"
"Oh my god, you said 'eh'! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Zhuge Liang
He got a literature class, so what he did was just teach the Romance of the Three Kingdoms with a twist.
"And the main character, Zhuge Liang, is a brilliant tactician who tragically dies before beating his rival Sima Yi. However, he still beat him."
"But the beginning pages have a guy named Liu Bei as the main character-"
"How do you know he's a main character?"
"Well, it's centered around him."
"It is the prologue. It sets up the story for you before you get to meet Zhuge Liang."
"If it is, then it's one long-ass prologue."
"It is necessary in order to understand Zhuge Liang's character."
"Okay..."
"Now, after you read those pages, I want you to think about how much of an idiot Liu Bei is and how it affects the story and how the debut of Zhuge Liang affects it positively."
Yue Ying
She got a math class, specifically algebra. She effortlessly writes numbers and equations on the board and provided a pleasant learning environment for the teenagers. Someone in the back points a laser at the red dot on her forehead whenever she turns to face the class after she would finish writing down a problem. Yue Ying knows who it was already and when the laser was shot at her forehead again, she chucks a flying machine thing that she had in one of her musous at the person with the laser.
The flying machine explodes in the person's face and Yue Ying nonchalantly continues the lessons while everyone looks at the charred messed in back nervously.
Pang Tong
"Oh my god, he's so short...!" squeals a girl when Pang Tong introduces himself. Pang Tong is wearing a face mask along with a baseball cap to cover up his head.
A student raises his hand,"Hey, you're not allowed to wear hats!"
"...Well, I need it."
"Why? You bald?"
"Do you want me to show you?"
"Yeah, and why not your face while we're at it?"
"Okay. You asked for it." Pang Tong removes the stuff off his head and face and the camera moves to the back of his head. From this view, you could see all of the looks of horror on everyone's faces.
Wei Yan
He had an English class, so he decides to talk in broken English the entire period. Of course, this ticks off the students considering how slow he is making the class.
"Me... name... Wei... Yan... Pleased to... meet you..."
"Oh my god, talk normally!"
"I talking... Now..."
"Arrrgh...!"
"To...day... We... will..."
"AAAAAAAGGGH."
Guan Ping
"I will be your teacher for today-"
A boy blurts out,"Dude, you look like our age. How are you a teacher?"
"Go sit in the corner!"
"You can't tell me what to do!"
"Yes, I can! Go sit in the corner or else-!" He pulls out his giant sword out of thin air and slams it down on a desk, breaking it to pieces.
"Oh Jesus!"
"Go sit in the corner like I asked!"
"Okay, sir!"
Guan Xing
Yeah, it doesn't really matter what he's teaching as he is only making the girls in the class sigh at his dreamy face. A boy angrily comments,"Why are my subs teenage boys?!"
"Cool, if someone like him can sub, I can sub and get me some money for that." says another teenager.
Guan Suo
At this point, people are not taking their classes seriously because of the high concentration of teenage subs. All Guan Suo does is be a piece of eye candy for girls and some boys.
Guan Yinping
As she happily introduces herself, the same boy mutters,"Now we get teenage girl subs..." A boy next to him says happily,"That's a good thing! She's actually pretty cute!"
"Okay, what am I supposed to do?" Guan Yinping reaches over for a physics textbook and and easily picks it up to read it like if it were a regular book. "This class is physics? But... But I don't know what physics is...! I guess this can be a learning experience for me..."
She tosses her double mace weapon to the middle of the class suddenly for the poor boy it hits to be knocked down to the ground with the weapon pinning his torso to the floor. He tries to lift it off him but screams when he couldn't,"Get this off! It's so heavy!"
"Okay, class. Tell me what just happened."
"HOW MUCH DOES THIS WEIGH?! Oh god! Help me!"
A student raises her hand and says,"Gravity...?"
"Yeah, close enough!"
Liu Shan
"Why is everyone cramped into this tiny room? How about we go outside and do our lesson there?"
"But this is a math class, what are we going to do outside?" asks a student.
"You don't need math. All you need is a weapon and benevolence. I only know basic math and I'm an emperor."
"Dude sounds high as f*bleep*." whispers a student to their buddy. "I want what he's having."
Ma Dai
It just so happens he got an art class to substitute for. He teaches the class on how to paint a tiger on a canvas and he starts out simple.
"Okay, you draw an oval and then a circle. The oval's the body and the circle's the head. I'm going to put four lines here to indicate the legs." Ma Dai then has his brush tap the canvas for him to instantly draw a perfect tiger before everyone's eyes. "And then you fill in the rest."
"WHAT?" shouts the entire class.
Xing Cai
"Yay, another teenage girl..." groans a student. "Just how desperate is our district again...?"
Xing Cai snaps her head towards the student's directions and flings a yardstick that stabs his desk.
"No talking during your assignment! If I hear another one talking, you will be sent to run with the P.E. class my brother is overseeing!"
Bao Sanniang
"Okay class! Today we are going to do..." She quickly looks over to the side to read the English textbook sitting on a table,"English! Let's do English! Whatever English is..."
"Okay. We're doing English by talking."
"Yeeah..." She fumbles around with a piece of paper with instructions written on them. "...Take out Romeo and Juliet and continue off where we left off... Yeah, do that." She finds a copy of the book and reads through it to get all girly about,"Aw, this Romeo guy is so sweet! He reminds me of Suo except he's not poetic and less Suo-like."
Thirty minutes in...
The class finished the book and are left to watch Bao Sanniang sobbing into her copy of the book.
"Why did they die?! They were so good together...! Why?! Why couldn't the poor man wait a few minutes...?!"
"So wait, you've never heard of Romeo and Juliet?"
"No! Ahuhuhu...! This is so sad! Jeez! They could have made it work...!"
Zhang Bao
He got a P.E. class and he yells at everyone as they were running around the track,"Run! Run! Run! What are those legs for?! I can run faster than all of you!" After the running, he makes the students do what could be just a hardcore work-out regime. Push-ups, curls, squats, you name it.
"All of this is making me pumped! I'mma do it with you guys to see if it boosts your morale!" Zhang Bao rips off his shirt to expose his body, causing the girls in the class to gush at his six-pack.
The microphone sighs,"Well, that was a cheap shirt, so I guess I won't be mad at you just ripping it off..."
Fa Zheng
He abuses his power as a teacher to make the students read the whole textbook of whatever class they were in. Whenever someone questions him, he whips them with a curtain he yanks off the window.
"Respect my authority, welps! Read that book!" He whips a random student and the microphone yells,"Stop it! You won't get paid if you are reported by someone!"
Sima Yi
He gets the instructions that were left by the real teacher and goes through with them. His class was English and one of the things in the instructions was having kids read during quiet time.
"Hmph, is this what teaching is? Just standing and waiting while kids do things themselves?" He looks over the instructions again and reads a little footnote next to the quiet reading time.
Do not be afraid to punish those who disrupt the quiet reading time.
"Okay." Sima Yi finds a yardstick and fiddles with it in his hands as the students were doing what they were supposed to. In the back of the classroom, some students were looking at their phones under their desks and giggling together. He goes back there and slams down the stick onto a desk nearby there, startling the students.
"Put those away and do your 'quiet reading time'."
"You can't hit us. I know my rights!"
"Back in my country, we can hit children if they talk back to their teacher."
"But we're not back in your country-OW!" Sima Yi had slapped the boy with the yardstick.
The microphone shouts into his ear,"Don't hit them! Jeez!"
"I'm putting this on Snapchat-" Sima Yi whacks a student's phone out of a student's hand,"You're not putting anything on someone's ass!"
"Snapchat-OW!"
"Now you kids be quiet and do what you're supposed to do or else I will give you the stick! I've already proven I'm not afraid to hit you brats!"
"Fine, fine... Jeez... You're paying for damages to my phone-"
Sima Yi stomps on the phone on the floor, crushing it to bits to then innocently,"What phone? I don't see a phone. What's a phone?"
"That cost six hundred bucks!"
Sima Yi asks the microphone,"How much is that?"
"About 60,000 gold or 6,000 something of your paper money."
"Ah. Why would you pay that much for a thick glowing mirror?"
"It's a smartphone."
"It's clearly not smart enough to avoid my foot."
"It's a phone, not a robot!"
"I'd pay that amount of money for a robot instead of a glowing piece of glass."
"Why am I bothering to explain a smartphone to you...?"
Sima Shi
Girls were swooning over him as he teaches the lesson with the instructions he was given. At one point during the class, a paper airplane flies over towards Sima Shi with its tip hitting him right in the eye. He buckles down groaning in pain and all of the girls rushed over to assist him and take him to the nurse's office.
Sima Zhao
He was happy because the instructions he got involved just sitting there until the students are finished with their assignment. The moment he got the students to start, he rushes over to the desk to nap there. Of course, the boys noticed and began throwing random objects at him as he snores away.
Zhang Chunhua
Do I need to say? Every boy in her room had a little incident going on in their pants considering how much of her cleavage was showing.
Wang Yuanji
Some people joked at how small she was while some people were in love with her. But she did not give a crap. She just followed the instructions and threw a knife at whomever was disrupting the class.
Zhuge Dan
He got a class that was full of delinquents and he didn't really do a good job at disciplining them. They all just walked all over him until he finally grabs a yardstick to beat down a student in a fit of rage. This finally shuts everyone up and Zhuge Dan was able to make them do whatever his instructions were.
Xiahou Ba
"Oh my god, he's so tiny and adorable!" squeals a girl at Xiahou Ba's stature. "Aw, who's kid are you?" She goes to pick him up and girls swarm to gush at him. Xiahou Ba angrily shouts while wriggling in the girl's arm,"I'm your teacher for today!"
"Aw, I think he's one of the teacher's sons! Trying to be daddy or mommy, aren't you?"
"I'm not a kid!"
Deng Ai
His towering and buff figure made many students uneasy as he does his job. He wasn't strict or mean, but I don't think he has to worry about unruly kids as he's doing that already with his appearance.
Guo Huai
Many students used their shirts or arms to cover their faces the entire time Guo Huai was there. Whenever he coughed, the students recoiled while trying hard to not breath in the air.
"I think our district is getting to that point where they are hiring ANYBODY."
Zhong Hui
"Hmph, I'm stuck teaching brats."
"Hey, you're a brat too." says a student that looked like trouble. "You're, like, our age."
"I'm a better brat than you are."
"I can see that with your scrawny-ass and stupid Justin Bieber hair."
"Hey! Do you see this?!" Zhong Hui points to his rat-tail and the students laughs,"What is that?! Oh my god, is that a tail growing out of your head?!"
"IT'S A PIECE OF MY GLORIOUS HAIR-"
"It looks so glued on! Oh man! I'm going to get a Snapchat of this-"
Five swords fly and impale the student and Zhong Hui turns around with a huff. The microphone shouts,"You killed him! Why?!"
"It's not like that kid had a future anyway."
Jia Chong
Uncovering a corpse in front of his class, Jia Chong begins dissecting it. He then pulls out organs to show off to the class and gives them handy facts about them. It was a biology class, so I guess it was relevant.
"And this here is a heart. This keeps on beating even when you're dead. Of course, recently dead. Not long dead. That would be weird." A hand goes up and he calls on it,"Yes?"
"Is that real?"
"Yes."
"...Where'd you get it?" The corpse was of the previous student that had been stabbed to death by Zhong Hui.
"You ask too many questions."
The microphone scolds at him,"Don't you murder him!"
"I'm not. Go stand in the corner. Ask someone for notes later."
"Aw man..."
Wen Yang
When he walks into the room, he bumps his head into the top of the doorway and proceeds in while rubbing his forehead. He removes his hand away from his face to expose his sparkly dreamy face to the class, getting the girls to instantly swoon over him and getting one boy to look at him with googly eyes. Wen Yang reads off a paper and asks,"Is this Mr. Brown's English 3A class...?"
"No, this is Spanish." says one student.
"Ah, I'll be taking my leave now." Wen Yang leaves, prompting the female and one boy to all let out a disappointed groan in unison.
Diao Chan
Her clothes show off her cleavage, making it very hard for some boys to concentrate on their work.
"Oh no, I dropped a pen." Diao Chan turns around and bends down to pick up her pen, her behind towards the class and causing many boys to pull out their phones to quickly snap pictures.
Lu Bu
"What are you boys good for if you can't lift this much!?" screams Lu Bu into a student's face as he was forced to lift a hundred pound barbell. "I think you need to run another mile!"
"No, please, no!"
"Get out of here!" Lu Bu grabs him by the arm and flings him out of the room containing all of the weights and workout equipment, towards the track. A female student was up and Lu Bu acts more normal towards her saying,"You don't have to lift the hundred pounds if you can't-"
He sees the girl make an effort in lifting the barbell and turns to the boys with a frown,"Well, if this girl can lift the hundred pounds, maybe I should add on another fifty for you guys."
"NO, NO, NO!"
"I'mma do it!"
"NO!"
Dong Zhuo
He was given a class filled to the brim in disobedient students and he is walked right over by them. When he tries to use his tyrant personality on them, he is pushed down by two boys who laugh at how easily he was knocked over. They then roll him around the classroom and fellow students recorded it while laughing out loudly.
Yuan Shao
Yuan Shao pouts as he stands outside of a door as the microphone scolds him,"Get in there!"
"No! It is a class full of ruffians with no future! I'm wasting my time with them!"
"Just get in!"
"No! I demand a class worth teaching!"
"Uggh... Fine, maybe I can find the advanced placement classes... give me a moment... Or maybe I'll find a private Catholic school..."
Zhang Jiao
He literally just tossed the instructions he was left into the trash and did his own curriculum that involved teaching the Way of Peace and nothing else. The students didn't really listen to his mumbo-jumbo and one student even says,"Dude is high as f*bleep*."
Another says while holding up her phone,"This is so funny to watch, I'm putting this on Snapchat."
Meng Huo
He effortlessly lifts a barbell with large weights taking up either side of it. Dropping it, he points to a boy,"'Kay, pick that up."
"..."
"What?"
"That's too much."
"Okay, you do this or you can run ten miles."
"But the time for our class isn't enough!"
"I don't care! If you're not gonna pick that up, you're gonna meet my wife out there on the track!"
Zhu Rong
She had a microphone and she blasts her voice at students running on a track,"What are your legs for?! Use them! Use them! Come on, tubby! My husband's tubbier and he can run faster!"
Zuo Ci
He just sits in the teacher's desk looking he is meditating after he had given the students their instructions.
"Is the old guy dead?"
"I want to touch his hair."
"I know, right? It looks puffy and soft..."
"I'mma touch it."
"I dare you."
"I'mma do it."
A student gets out of his desk and goes over slowly extend his hand towards Zuo Ci's hair. The moment he touches it, Zuo Ci's eyes snap open and he shoots a bolt of magic that sends the student flying into the wall and he bounces off it to land on the floor a crumpled mess.
Zuo Ci says sternly, ignoring the student's injury,"Get back to your work." He then goes back to meditating.
Chen Gong
"Ooh, I've never got to have an actual class to be standing in front of! I was rejected from many schools as a teacher before ending up working for Cao Cao and then Lu Bu."
The microphone asks,"Really?"
"Yes, why do you doubt me?"
"Because records don't say."
"Well, historians won't record everything."
Few minutes into Chen Gong's class...
"Hmph, this is pretty boring..." He said with his legs on the desk and arms behind his head.
The microphone says,"That's because substitutes aren't really teachers. They can try to teach, but why bother? They get in, get out with the paycheck."
"That sounds crappy."
"Well, life is crappy."
"Aw, so I don't get to mold young minds today?"
"If you really want to do that, I could try finding an elementary school or preschool for you to sub at."
Lu Lingqi
As Lu Lingqi gives the instructions, students in the back whisper amongst each other,"I can't tell if she's a teenage girl or an old Asian lady."
"Maybe both."
"Oh my god, that's horrifying. A teenage girl and an old Asian lady mixed together..."
"Really, I don't see it's that bad... Look at her, she's pretty cute."
Lu Lingqi looks around nervously and looks back at her notecard containing the teacher's instructions.
"...I guess that's it?"
UGH WHY IS THE CAST SO HUGE?