I had to put something together in the aftermath of Sunday's episode. I'm looking to continue this with a few other chapters which I will hopefully find time to write soon. This first chapter is inspired by A Fine Frenzy's song "Near to You" and focuses on Alicia's thoughts as she dances with Peter. I know I'm ignoring the client part of the episode, but in the interest of getting this out to you quickly, I thought that'd be ok.

I do not own "Near to You" or The Good Wife. I'm just having a little fun here, and dealing with all of those emotions from "Death of a Client".

He and I had something beautiful
But so disfunctional, it couldn't last

Alicia tried to calm the thumping of her heart in her chest. This night had been too much. From the beginning, with the formal attire and the campaign pressure. She'd tried to take it all in stride, to come at it with a light hearted attitude and a lot of alchol, but even that hadn't been enough. No, something out there wanted to hurt her tonight. And whatever it was, it was coming at her with everything it could find to throw at her.

Eli was yammering on about something, while she tried to focus on dancing with Peter and wearing her "natural" smile. Her head was such a fog that it was taking all of her effort just to keep up with the music. The words she'd spoken to Will just kept repeating over and over in her head.

I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

She finally realized that she loved Will. It was different than her love for Peter, but she was in love with Will too. And yet, Will couldn't handle what her life had to throw at them. It was too much. It was too much for her, and she was used to it. What would it do to him, the bachelor adept at living his own life away from the drama of the press? No, she knew that he had feelings for her too, but she had to push all of that aside. If she had pulled him into her life, her true life, he would have ended up hating her for what it did to him. And that was why she'd had to let him go.

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss
Still a little bit delirious

All of the emotions bubbling beneath the surface had to be pushed away for tonight. She couldn't do this here, with all of Chicago watching. She had to ignore the sinking of her heart, the pain that seared her at the loss of any future with Will. So she danced, and she clung to Peter as a lifeline for the life she was supposed to lead.

Near to you,
I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Peter was the safe choice. The closer she got to Peter, the more she would forget about missing Will, right? Isn't that how it should work? But she knew in her head that she should be with Peter. It was better for both of their careers. It was best for their children. It only made sense. And that was their guide these days, things that made sense.

She'd told Grace that she loved Peter, and she did. She loved him for what he'd done when she got pregnant. She loved him for loving her children dearly all of these years. She loved him for providing a home and a family for her and her children. She loved him for those early years, before careers and scandals had destroyed their life together. But she didn't love him the way she loved Will. She couldn't trust him with her heart. Not again.

She couldn't trust Peter with her heart and she couldn't trust Will with the drama of her life. Rock. Alicia. Hard place.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

Peter was falling more into her graces these days. He was doing his best to cautiously rebuild their relationship. She knew it was all he could do. She couldn't expect more of him than that. After all they'd been through together, she had learned him so well and she knew that he was doing all he could for her. He didn't know that he wasn't Will and he never would be. He didn't need to know that. So she held to him, pressing her cheek against his and fell into a determination to make the best of this life she found herself in.

He's disappearing
Fading steadily
And I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me?