Lyrics to the song modified from 'Hey there Delilah' by Plain White T's. Highly recommended that you listen to the original song before reading this :)

I don't think Phantom will ask Freud out this way, but what the heck. It's for fun!

Slightly questionable content mentioned in the songs, so take caution while reading :p Enjoy!

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Someone was wailing loudly outside his room.

Freud heard him, loud and clear, plain as day. The gut-wrenching voice he knew all too well, that of a Master Thief on moonlit nights. Nights such as these, where sounds carried well in the still air even over the gentle plucking of a guitar.

This could only mean that it was Valentine's Day.

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"Hey there Freud darling

Please don't think that I'm a nuisance, I spent weeks making the lyrics

And I hope that you will listen and realise —

I know you're frowning, don't you sigh

At these perfect lines"

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Heat rose to Freud's cheeks unbidden as he fought the urge to smile, was it really that obvious that he was scowling at having been distracted from his reading? Gods, it was as if the thief could see him from where he was.

Freud threw open the windows and the music only grew louder. Phantom was there in his front yard, on one knee and grinning up at him with what could quite possibly be the most charming smile he'd ever seen in his life. One that Freud really couldn't resist. A guitar was propped up neatly over his thigh, the thief's agile fingers dancing over the strings.

Phantom drew an exaggerated breath to continue singing, and Freud was seized with the compulsion to grab his staff and reduce the shameless thief into a pile of cinders.

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"Hey there Freud darling

I know you so hate me stealing, but please know I'm not a poet

So I stole that dictionary from your room —

Yes the one from your bedroom

— I'll return it soon"

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Freud chuckled mirthlessly, from his vantage point Phantom had probably seen him turning to scan the shelves anxiously, checking which dictionary had fallen into Phantom's grasp.

As Phantom began to sing again, Freud made a mental note to retrieve his prized dictionary before serving Phantom's his just desserts.

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"Hey there Freud darling

Please come out of your library, you need the sun or you'll get moldy

This is a plea to keep your sanity and mine —

Also fungus free would be just fine

— That'd be divine"

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So much for Valentine's day.

The staff was in Freud's hand before he knew it, magic coiling up his arm even faster. The urge to send the thief running for the hills was overwhelming. Though he'd never know whether it was because he was furious at having his precious time wasted or whether it was because of the embarrassment making him unable to even form a coherent threat to throw at the thief. He could think about it later.

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"Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, do I really have to flee

Oh, from fire aimed at me

Oh, I guess I'll let it be

It's what you do to me"

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His jaw dropped, he could actually feel the muscles in his face slacken and that thief was still playing his guitar, if anything the grin on Phantom's face had actually grown wider.

This was not going well at all.

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"Hey there Freud darling

I love the way you look so angry when I tell you that you're cute

I swear I'll woo you, court you, date you till you say yes —

Oh, but you'll know before I confess

— Damn loving you is stress!"

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Wow, that was a new one. Freud was actually quite surprised by that, he hadn't ever been insulted in song. Okay, he was hard to love, but Phantom was the one getting so involved in it. Wasn't his fault, no matter what Phantom said in his songs.

Freud raised an unimpressed eyebrow. Feigning innocence, Phantom whistled between a musical interlude before he launched into the next stanza.

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"Hey there Freud darling

The rings around your eyes are awful, but tonight you're radiant

And even Lumi isn't half as bright as you —

That's even after your bedhead grew

— I swear it's true"

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Alright. That was it. Phantom knew he didn't have time to cut his hair but this was out of line. Jibes sung over badly-structured, badly rhymed songs were still jibes, not to mention they disturbed his peace.

Freud set his staff down on the windowsill and leaned against the frame, letting the thief rack up his punishment points. He'd have fun watching the thief squirm later.

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"Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's just bad luck to me

Oh, to fall in love with thee

Oh, it's suicide don't you see

It's what you do to me

It's what you do to me"

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Suicide? Surely the thief didn't need to use such drastic words to describe their… 'relationship'. Oh dear, Phantom was really asking for it now. Freud calmly picked up his staff and headed downstairs.

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"Our friends will all make fun of us

And we'd just laugh along because

We know that none of them thought we were gay

First base for now seems pretty far

Since you want to smash my guitar

But you'll need more to keep me far away

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"Freud darling I can promise you

That by the time I'm through with you

The world will laugh for thinking you were straight

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"I take the blame"

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Freud unlocked the door and walked out onto the grass. Phantom was still there, on one knee and now that Freud was closer he could make out the grass stains on his uniform. Oh well. There'd be new burn marks there by the time the night drew to a close.

And even as Freud came up right in front of him, Phantom was still singing.

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"Hey there Freud darling

I've lost the urge to kill and plunder, your words are loud and real like thunder

You pulled me out from six feet under, showed me love —

You're an angel or a god thereof,

From skies above"

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Freud stopped in his tracks.

There was an unreadable expression in Phantom's eyes, that deep bottomless amethyst gaze that he so loved, that reminded him of looking up into the auroras and into the skies beyond. It was one that Freud had come to associate with Phantom's most genuine adoration.

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"Hey there Freud darling

You made me want to try again and throw my heart across the flames

Let myself be tamed by you and only you —

I'm so scared but you are worth all pain,

Your love's my gain"

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And as Phantom got up, lay his guitar across the grass, Freud understood then the unspoken question that lay at the back of both their minds. He felt his exasperations at the incorrigible thief fade away, as much as he wanted to teach Phantom a lesson he also wanted to savour this moment just a little more.

There were things that no song could ever say.

Phantom's hands were snaking around his waist, pulling him close with all the tenderness of a slow dusk, sheer contentment in his eyes.

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"Hey there Freud darling

Won't you kiss me when I'm lonely I want my lips against yours only

I'd fly a thousand miles to hold and cuddle you —

I'd ask for sex but we're not there yet,

I know it's a stretch"

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"Phantom!"

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"Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me —"

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"Get back here! I'm going to turn you to ash!"

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"— Oh, I'm sure it's not just me

Oh, you'll love it just you see

Come make out with me

I love you, tee hee!"

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"Just you wait!"