Author name: Blaze
Author email: darkblaze11hotmail.com
Rating: R
Spoilers: Order of the Phoenix DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Song is Numb by Linkin Park and I've got no claim to it.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
Harry lay on his bed staring at the ceiling without seeing it. In his mind the same image playing over. Sirius face as he was hit, the laughter dying out to be replaced with shock and the slowness with which he seemed to fall back. And all because Harry had fallen for a trap, because he had loved Sirius and Voldermort had known that. Voldermort had known and exploited it for the weakness it was.
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
If he could just do it all over. He would have opened that package that Sirius had given him before he returned to Hogwarts from Christmas break. If he had opened it he would have known about the mirror. He could have used the mirror to verify that Sirius was safe. He wouldn't have set off on the foolish rescue mission that hadn't even been needed.
Harry rolled over and looked out his window. He'd done nothing but go over what if's since he'd come home. At first he'd wanted nothing more than to blame Snape. It would be so easy to just lash out and absolve himself of all guilt. To just place it all on Snape's head but after a while he'd forced himself see reason. But he couldn't just blame Snape to do that reminded him too much of what he had seen in Snape's pensive about his father. He hadn't liked what he'd seen then and he didn't want to become like that.
No matter how much he wished to place the guilt elsewhere he knew deep down it resided only within him. Well with him and Dumbledore.
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
If they had trusted him with all the facts before hand so many things could have been prevented. He wouldn't have been stumbling around blind all that time. Had he not proven that he could handle things? Didn't they realize he wasn't a child to be coddled? He hadn't been a child for a long time. Not since he first faced down Voldermort from the back of Qurriel's head. Maybe even before that because of the way he was raised by the Dursley's. And yet they'd kept him in the dark.
He was so tired of being lied too or brushed off. He suffered all the indignities and ridiculed he could stand. He's never wanted to be The- Bloody-Boy-Who-Lived. All he wanted was to be left alone and to live his life in peace but that would never be possible with Voldermort dogging his every step and looming over him after his blood.
Voldermort the very name made him see red.
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
He had always blindly trusted Dumbledore and his decisions but not anymore. His goal in life had been to follow in Dumbledore's footsteps, to meet all of his expectations. To make him proud and in the end it he hadn't been able to make it fit. He couldn't be like Dumbledore and it became even clearer after this past year that he didn't want to be. He didn't want to be like Dumbledore pulling people's strings without them knowing.
But no more from now on he would do this his way. He knew what must be done. Had known after hearing the prophecy. He couldn't live at the same time as Voldermort. This meant he would either be the one killed or he would be the killer. Either way blood would be spilt. But it wouldn't his. They had tried it Dumbledore's way and all it hadn't ended in was blood and tears. His godfather had lost his life because of his blindly following Dumbledore and assuming he knew best. Dumbledore didn't know best.
And because of this Harry had spent this past month preparing and assembling his plan. He had done it all in a cold and practical manner. He'd even made a few trips to Diagon Alley to get more of what he needed. It had been very hard to do it without letting his guard dogs know. He had shaken them eventually but he'd had to make sure it was never during Moody's watch.
He would use his invisibility cloak or the invisibility potion he had brewed a few days after he had holed himself up in his room. Now he was brewing a new potion one vital to his plan. He planned to use the potion to get what he wanted. He'd gotten the recipe from one of the dark potion books he'd gotten on his trip to Knockturn Alley. He'd gone hidden in his cloak with his hood covering his face and determination fueling his every step.
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take
Harry knew he would never win this battle by relying on what people termed "good" magic or even with the grey magic. Voldermort had the advantage of dark magic which got a lot more to it than what he used. The reason Dumbledore would never defeat Voldermort was because he would not lower himself to Voldermort's level.
Well that was fine Harry would. He would learn all he could of the Dark Arts and he would excel. To survive he would need to think and act as Voldermort would. And for the first time Harry realized why the hat wanted to put him in Slytherin and why it had known he would do well there. Harry would do what he had to survive. And if that meant using magic's that were frowned upon he would do that. He would have his revenge. For Sirius. For his parents. Voldermort would pay.
But time was running out and if he was to put his plan to action he would have to hurry.
But I know
I may end up falling too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
He knew that by doing what had to be done he would be disappointing a lot of people but could not find himself caring. At first he'd felt nothing but a clawing ache within. Felt the grief and pain well within him and try to grab him by the throat. He'd felt nothing but great greasy waves of pain. And he'd pushed it back not wanting it. Slowly he'd become numb to it and so cold and finally he could think and he could see. It was all so clear to him now.
They had to pay but before he could make them pay he had to learn. Oh he had a list of all those who would suffer of those he would get before going to Voldermort. First would be the traitor Kreacher and then Sirius's dear old cousin Narcissa for countering Sirius's orders. Before Voldermort he would get Bellatrix and then the final goal Voldermort. They would pay. He'd make sure of it. He would make it hurt as they had made him hurt.
They had left a bleeding gaping hole in him. Taken away the closes thing he had to a father. The only one he could talk to. Without Sirius here there seemed to be no point. He had been the only one who had ever truly loved him and accepted him. The one he could confide in and tell anything.
Harry rose and checked his potion. It had cooled and could now be bottled which he did immediately. He bottled a few extra vials just to be safe. He had finally learned the vanishing charm Snape was always doing and performed it to rid the cauldron of the last traces. What did he care if he was expelled for doing magic outside of school? The twin had it right in the whole scheme of things it didn't matter. It was a small and stupid concern if he was kicked out of school. Especially with what he planned to do.
He packed his things and then shrunk them so that he could fit them into his pocket. He pulled out a parchment and pen and scrawled off three notes. One to Hermione, one to Ron, and one to Dumbledore. He didn't tell them what he planned or what he was doing only that he had to go away for a while and train. He wouldn't be back for the next school year and that they shouldn't expect to hear from him anytime soon. He had a few things to take care of. He sent them off with his owl.
"Hedwig deliver Ron's last and stay with him okay? I'm going away for a while but I'll come get you when I can" Harry told her.
Hedwig hooted but looked at him sadly as if she knew something he didn't. She nipped his ear and was off.
He sighed and headed down the stairs.
"I'm going out" he told his relatives.
His aunt just pursed her lips and said nothing. Dudley and his uncle pretended they didn't hear or see him.
He opened the door and the official bird dropped a letter in his hands and flew off. He didn't bother to open it or read it he just tore it into pieces and threw it in the bin as he passed it.
He was on a mission. He had a house elf to kill and a practiconer of the dark arts to track down and poison. Once he accomplished that he would force that person to teach him everything they knew about the dark arts if they wanted the antidote and valued their life. He'd spent lots of time in Knockturn Alley scouting the perfect candidate. They would pay. He would make them.
Harry had nothing more to lose.
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you