The Incest Bride: The Classic Tale of Truly Bizarre Lust and High Adventures
But before we get on with it, I suppose I should explain myself.
This is based on a novel that is not mine or William Goldman's but a guy with a really long last name. Well, it's actually not that long of a last name but as I'm not bright enough to spell it properly right off hand I will give you a revised version of the fellow's name: S. Morgenstern. It's close enough. The point is, the novel that I am stealing characters and names and the title from does not belong to me. And William Goldman may be a more prominent name with this story but, as he will tell you, the book is not his either, though he does not deny that he wishes it were.
I will deny any such wish because my writing style is utterly different and the story just wouldn't be right if I had written it.
I digress, as usual.
The Princess Bride: The Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure (isn't that wonderful?) is my inspiration and I really liked the movie too. Now, if you haven't seen the movie then you are truly missing out on something wonderful, it wouldn't hurt to read the book either; I'm enjoying it so far. But now you are informed on what this ludicrous little fan fiction is based on. Not that it really matters, as the title is the only good part so far. Maybe it's because it's all I've written besides an extremely long and rambling disclaimer. Or perhaps this extremely long and rambling disclaimer is emulating the extremely long and rambling introduction that William Goldman uses in his revised edition of The Princess Bride. Oho! Bet that didn't occur to you. Amazing the way my puny brain works sometimes… but once again, I digress. You don't need to know the story of The Princess Bride to be able to appreciate this fan fiction, if you can even be bothered to appreciate it. All you need is an open mind and some insanity juice. Or a deadly poison that makes everything seem much funnier, because the world is a funny place when you think you're about to kick the bucket, mostly because you can laugh at everyone and they feel too bad for you to duff you up like you deserve.
Hey, guess what? I'm digressing again.
But Billie Goldman did that plenty.
Note to my English teacher: God forbid you to ever see this, but if by some tragic accident you happen upon it and find out who I am, just be proud of my emulation skills, you have trained me well, albeit, sadistically. Lucky for both of us that I am moving on to another grade and leaving you elsewhere, lest you see this and remember.
Ooh, I just heard a really scary noise right behind me. Why am I writing in the dead of night? Alone? After watching The Exorcist about three months ago? (Still sleeping with the light on….) Okay, now you are wondering when I'll get to the story.
Voila, it is beneath these wonderful star-like things.
*****
Chapter One: Of the Farm People
Buttercup was the most beautiful woman in the world and Westley was a hunky pirate. Their child was ugly beyond belief and her name was, if anything, a terrible misconception. Those who heard that Buttercup and Westley had had a daughter named Beauty thought it only fitting for them to have such lovely offspring. Then, upon meeting the child, fainted in shock, the two sides of their brains battling ferociously. Speaking to a hideous child named Beauty is like saying the word yellow when it's actually red. Why put yourself in that sort of situation?
I'll tell you exactly why they did it.
Because in Florin (the place where this classic tale takes place) there were very few attractive people and everyone was ready to bang anyone who showed any signs of being pretty. Beauty sounded gorgeous (you can't hear these things, you must see them, therefore you are hopefully now aware of how stupid the inhabitants of Florin truly were,) but just wait until I get around to describing this unsightly little maggot of a human.
See? I've already begun.
Beauty, when she was born, looked like any other baby. Buttercup, for years after would marvel at how such an ugly blob had slid from her womb and Westley would never understand how he had sired such a creature. But while she was a baby, she was a cute thing. That lasted for all of a week and then the acne poured in on the infant.
"But that's a good sign, dear!" Westley reassured his distraught wife. "That means Beauty won't have to endure zits" (this was a time after zits had been named) "in her years of young adulthood." (This was a time before the word "teenagers" became anything other than a disgusting swearword used to describe particularly bad luck, ex: He's sure got the teenagers; that would be like me saying to you "your life is sure f***ed up.")
Westley didn't know how wrong he was. The zits became worse as the days went by. Only the girl's right nostril was spared having the red dots spread over it. Even the infant's eyelids had been touched by the zits. By the time Beauty was six she was a skinny, spotty girl with thin mousy hair (the sort of hair that you're not sure whether it's brown, blond or gray. Does anyone else ever get this impression from hair? I mean, there are some blonds who just look GRAY to me! Well… she was one of them.) Her eyes were light brown but very dull. She looked very… stupid. Her nose was rather pig-like and her chin was big. The poor child did not receive her father's perfect teeth. Within her first six years of living she had managed to knock three out before they had even become loose of their own accord. Her ears were the sticky-out sort that would make you say "Dumbo" but since Dumbo hadn't been invented yet (this was a time before motion pictures had come out, yes, they did survive without television but, as you may say later, very primitive) her ears just made people think of carriage doors.
Everyone hoped that Beauty would live up to her name as years went by, but she just kept getting uglier and uglier until she was so ugly that people from all over Florin came just to get their pulses to slow. Listening to her talk was sort of like talking to a Neanderthal.
"Uhhh… d'oh… yup. I… uhhh… duhnnoooo." Her voice was low and dopey. Listening to her made passerby fall asleep, and once, a direct listener fell into a coma that lasted for seven weeks (but she deserved it, she had been making fun of Beauty to her face. Beauty didn't quite get it though, she just tried to string a few paragraphs together. Not pretty. No pun intended; I'm serious.)
When Beauty turned fourteen she began to start getting breasts, which was a surprise to everyone because she was so skinny. Her upper lip also began to start sporting many black hairs. Buttercup one day announced that Beauty needed to start plucking her face. Not only was she getting facial hair but her nostrils were reminiscent of bushes.
"I could braid that wad!" Buttercup wailed, wringing her perfect hands.
"Dear… what are you… ah!" Westley gave a start. "Beauty! You startled me, but what is all over your face? You look like a bushman!"
"Uh… I… gurloik!"
"What?" Asked her articulate father.
Beauty scratched her head with her amazingly long arms. Sometimes she looked like a gorilla. "Dunno, I… uh… think… uh… meatball."
"What do meatballs have to do with any of this?" Screeched Buttercup. Then she whirled to her husband. "Sometimes I think Humperdinck would've fathered a more… LITERATE child at least!"
Then Westley turned scarlet. "Sometimes I think he would've mothered a more attractive one."
"Oho! But I am the most beautiful woman in the world!" Buttercup pointed to herself.
"And I am the most literate pirate on the seas."
"You're not on the seas anymore; you gave that position to Inigo."
"Oh."
"Kiss me, my fool." She insisted. Then they had one of their world-famous kisses that some authors would babble on for paragraphs about. I will spare you and tell you only that it was very sloppy and wet and had you been there you probably would've wondered if they were about to start digesting one another.
"Mm… urgh… what… uhhh… I think I'll… go and… uhhh… milk the cow." Beauty trudged off and started picking her nose. The door swung open, slamming into the wall.
"BEAUTY!" Said Marvin.
Oh yes, Marvin is Beauty's brother. I didn't mention him because he was not extremely ugly or extremely handsome. In fact, his was extremely nothing.
"Uhhh… what?"
"Stop picking your bloody nose and milk the damned cow!" Then he looked inside. "DAMMIT WOMAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? EATING MY FATHER?!"
Buttercup didn't notice and when Westley tried to look away, Buttercup grabbed his head and continued.
Suddenly Marvin stormed out of the kitchen and into the field. His sister stopped milking long enough to make some weird statement to him.
"What are you talking about? I don't understand you about half the time, why do you even bother?"
"I… uh… was wondering… uh… if… uh…dunno." She blushed and went back to abusing the cow.
"You probably don't." Marvin shook his head. "I'm going off to get some… stuff."
"Stuff? What… uh… stuff?"
"I may as well tell you as you're too thick to relate to anyone the horrendous information I am about to expel."
"Uh."
"Exactly. I'm about to go get doped up."
"Uh."
"See you later, sis." And he traipsed away to the dope field. His friends eagerly awaited him.
"Man… it is just so… gooooooood to see you… man…."
"Load me up."
I can't give much more detail on this scene because it's quite odd and because I know very little about drugs other than that they're illegal and make people do stupid things. That is why I will enjoy relating the next few events to you.
Marvin left the dope field, kind of blundering around. He saw Beauty and realized just was a sexy little wench she was (this was a time long after sex had been invented) and trudged over to her.
"You're high, aren't you Marvin?" She asked, quite clearly.
"Totally." (In case you were wondering, there are no lava lamps in this tale.)
"Good, now I can…uh…whoa…I just smelled you."
"How are you talking so right, man?"
"I'm not as dense as I seem, but I'd prefer people not making fun of me all the time as I sound like prat because of my oddly deep voice and I have a furry face."
"Ooh! Got you there little sister."
"I'm older than you." Beauty pointed out.
"I'm so into you."
"That's called incest."
"Marry me or I'll kill you."
"But I don't like you that way."
"What does that have to do with anything? I'm a powerfully built male and you're a wimpy female in need of a man."
"I'm only fourteen."
"Oh, okay, never mind then. I'm going to crash…."
"Into a tree?"
"That is so not cool man…." But Beauty was right; Marvin did crash into a tree. Beauty rolled her eyes and was vaguely disturbed by the thought of marrying her brother. What did it matter who she married? Her brother may have ended up being the only one who was ever high enough to want her. Hadn't her mother, only years before nearly wed Prince Humperdinck because of a threat? Of course, Beauty knew that there was no one who would ever even consider marrying her. Incest was a disturbing thing, but it happened a lot.
What she didn't know was that in the royal palace similar events were taking place.
Perhaps I will continue soon. The next chapter will be called Chapter Two. Brilliant plan, isn't it? This one will be about the royal schmucks that we all love to read about.